Chapter 23 #2
“I am a shapeshifter. It's a handy little gift. Helps me get out of and into all kinds of trouble. I think I can hold a form for quite some time, I've never tested it for longer than a couple of hours at a time, though,” she answers.
“Magic has limits and consequences,” Raiden adds.
“Okay, my turn for a question!” Livinia bounces in her seat and looks at me.
“Shoot,” I tell her, moving back to my own chair.
“How does it feel to be out of the Smog? Raiden says it's just awful.”
I think about her question for a moment. “It feels like I'm free. Like I was living under a heavy blanket and didn't realize it until someone took it off.” I lock eyes with Raiden.
Liv clears her throat. “And your power? I mean, being a healer is pretty wonderful. Is it easier to use your power now?”
My cheeks are hot, and I've only barely heard her question.
“Uhm—"
“She is an amazing healer, Liv. A talented fighter, too." Raiden's praise makes me feel like goo inside, but the look he's giving me makes me wonder if I'm melting into my seat.
Lavinia yawns and stretches. “I don't know about the two of you, but I am exhausted. Why don't you both stay here? The bed is big enough for two.”
I am not interested in being alone in this room with him after what happened earlier. Do I trust myself not to stab him again?
“No!” I shout, a little too eagerly. “I mean…we can't take your room from you. Where will you sleep?”
Lavinia's conspiratory grin tells me she already has somewhere in mind. “That's my business, thank you very much. And I won't hear it. You'll stay here tonight. That's final.” Her royal command sounds a lot like the voice she used when she was pretending to be her mother. It's very persuasive.
She gives me a quick peck on the top of my head, and practically skips out the door.
The wine has me feeling light and airy, made even more noticeable when I go to stand, wobbling past Raiden to get to the bed.
He grabs my hand from where he sits, stopping me, and I sway.
“Are you mad?” he asks.
“Yes! I'm fucking livid!” The words come out a hiss.
“Why?” His features soften.
“You made me care about you! Knowing you had no intentions of following through on whatever was growing between us. You let me have feelings for you, and then you humiliated me! And you cut my hair!” Tears prick the back of my eyes as things start to resurface.
“Those feelings would have come no matter what, Arina.” He pulls me down to kneel before him, holding both sides of my face.
“What do you mean?” I ask, and the tears spill over.
He uses his thumbs to wipe them away. “You … are my mate.”
“What? No.” I shake my head, but deep in my soul I know it’s the truth.
“Those sparks, those feelings like you will die if you don't find your way back to me, and the irrational rage you feel? It's passion. It's out of our control, and it will stay that way until we solidify our bond. Maybe even after,” he explains.
Holy fucking gods. “When did you know?”
“The first moment I saw you. It was like this force, calling to me, drawing me to you. Konnor sent me to deal with some things in Lukasia. We had scouts watching you, always. But I promised I would lay eyes on you myself. I would blur into your room at night. Watch you sleep.” I narrow my eyes at him, but he ignores me.
“That first night, fingers wrapped tight around your dagger beneath your pillow, you called out my name in your dreams, and I was done for.”
I think back to the nightmare I’d had before the tournament. Those golden orbs, glowing in the corner of my room. Gods fucking damn it.
“You knew before we even met. You've known this entire time!” I don't bring up that he's just admitted to watching me while I sleep, we can talk about that little detail later.
“I had a hunch. It was confirmed that evening in the breezeway when you let me buckle your shoes. When you let me—"
“Touch me,” I finish for him. “I had thought I felt something when your skin brushed mine, and it's happened a few other times, but I never thought …”
“At first, I thought it would be easier to let you be killed in the tournament.
I had lived my whole life without you. I figured I could fight it.
But you are so fucking resilient, and I promised Konnor I would help keep you safe.
And then I couldn't fucking stand the thought of your life ending. Or never getting to see you smile again.”
He pulls me into his arms, and I sink into his warmth.
“And then you killed Dolan, and I knew I would do anything to keep you near me, even as torturous as it is. Convinced myself it would be better if you hated me. Because the gods are cruel fucks, and I will never be whole. You deserve more than that.”
“Well, that's not what I've got, though, is it?”
He laughs, but it's pained. This thing inside of me doesn’t allow me to think rationally. It only demands that I stay as near to the male holding me as I possibly can. Whatever the cost.
“I think … I know I'd rather have pieces of you than none of you at all. We can find a way to make this work. We can get you out of the marriage. Neither of you want it anyway.” I can't keep the hope from my voice.
“I don't see how. I've made so many promises to get us to this point, and it still might not be enough to win Lukasia back. I want to see you grow old and fulfilled in the sunshine. I want to give you the kingdom you love, thriving and healthy and good. Good enough for you. Because you deserve a world full of beauty and light and life.”
I am sobbing because I do not believe anyone has ever cared for me like this.
“Fuck your promises. You made them without knowing what you were giving up. Besides, What about Lavinia? She wants to stay here and rule Clestraya. We don't need help. We can go back and end the curse ourselves.” I feel like I'm begging.
“Invidia is a demon goddess. She is a parasite living inside my mother's body.” The wine must be really getting to me because he's starting to not make sense.
“She's been feeding off her soul and the land for decades now. Sucking them both dry. She is very powerful, and just waiting for someone to challenge her so she can really let loose. We fail, we die.”
“Fail at what, exactly?” I ask, though I don't think I really want to know.
"I must acquire the help of the gods. They will agree to restore the land. They have to. We are out of options. Unless you'd rather go back and be the queen of death and shit, hiding away in the tunnels until you eventually go mental and die."
Did he just say he's going to speak with the gods? I am much too drunk to continue this conversation, but I say, "I'll be the queen of whatever you want as long as we're together."
Raiden
“WE ARE GOING to see my father,” I announce at breakfast the next morning, ready to face the sea god again and finish what I started.
Arina is drooling over a piece of bread and jam, but almost chokes at my words.
Lavina beats her to the question, “What are you talking about?”
“I do not wish to see your parents without knowing we have a solution. We will speak with the sea god, find out his terms and what help he is willing to offer, and then come back for the Clestrayan armada,” I tell them.
Both females look at me as if I've killed their pet. I don't know how to convey to them that I cannot bring a problem to Gideon and Kyrrah without being able to tell them I know how to solve it.
“It's true that my parents sent me away to give me a well-rounded education, but there is more to the story.
When I was first born, there was a threat to the throne, and they decided it would be best to tell everyone I was stillborn.
They sent me to live with Konnor. He and Demitra cared for me for a little while.
“As I got older, my powers started manifesting in unprecedented ways. Ways that might suggest my lineage isn't quite what Father would have preferred for his heir.” Lavinia's face is schooled, like a true dignitary, but I know I'll get an earful at some point for not sharing this with her sooner.
“Mother didn't want Father to discover the truth—didn't want anyone to, really.
So, I was sent to Clestraya. They would visit from time to time, but never long enough for Father to look too closely at me.
" Arina touches my hand, but I don't need her sympathy.
She has had it so much worse than I did.
I've been loved by many, and she has had very few in her corner. I am the lucky one.
I pat her hand and give her a small smile to let her know I'm okay, and then I continue, "Their last visit before Father—before King Cornelius—died … I think Mother knew something was coming. She was so scared. She told me the truth. My real father is the sea god.” Both girls cover their mouths, and I want to laugh a little.
It feels so good to get all of this off my chest.
There's just a little more to go, and so I finish, “When word of the curse reached us, I sought out the sea god to hear it from him, and he confirmed everything.
He was thrilled to have a potential heir of his own ruling an entire kingdom.
He's been very … helpful. As he should. Everything is, after all, all his fucking fault. "
Neither female speaks for quite some time. Both start to, but then stop themselves to ponder their words a little longer.
I collapse in a seat at the table with them and crunch on a piece of salted pork, waiting for them to untangle the mess the gods have created for us.
I haven't even begun to explain how the demon-goddess fits into all this.