Chapter 22
SHAY
I’ve been staring at the computer screen for a good five minutes, the cursor blinking in the same stupid spot. Coming to Concept on a Saturday morning was supposed to help me focus, but it’s a lost cause.
All because of Kolton.
Everything in my life these days revolves around him. This amazing job, the lonely nights I spend wishing he were with me. His continued gifts that are depleting my resolve to keep him at arm’s length.
Needing a voice of reason, I search my desk and find my phone under a pile of sketches. Normally, Lily is an early riser, but seven a.m. on a Saturday is questionable. Still, I tap out her number for a call, hoping her boyfriend doesn’t hate me for calling at this hour.
“You’re up early,” she answers after three rings.
Story of my life. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m at Concept. Thought I’d get some drafting done. Did I wake you?”
“Nope. I’ve been in my sewing room for half an hour. What’s up?”
My whirlwind of emotions. “Kolton gave me another gift yesterday. This one was…wow. I don’t know what to do, aside from work more hours.”
“First,” Lily says warmly, “I’m so proud of you, and Sawyer loves the work you’ve done. We can’t wait to see the space put together. But back to Kolton and his wow gift. Do tell.”
Normally I’d latch on to her use of “we” when discussing Sawyer, like they’re an item. A pair. Today, however, I’m too confused to tease her.
I trace the edges of Kolton’s latest note. “He’s outdone himself.”
Lily huffs. “I find it hard to believe he topped the videos.”
“Consider them topped.”
“Ooh,” Lily singsongs. “I’m dying. Tell me everything.”
I open my mouth to reply, but I pause, unsure how to describe this last gift and the extent to which it’s affected me.
“You still there?” Lily prods. “Was it better than the PEZ?
“Yes, I’m here. And yes, it was better than the PEZ.”
“Did he buy you a fast-food chain?”
I laugh at her ridiculousness. “No, he did not. But remember the first night in their condo? The bathroom sex?”
“Yes…”
“Remember the red lingerie I bought that day?”
She sucks in a breath. “YES…”
“Well, we were kind of frantic, and he tore off my underwear. And…” God, this is mortifying and the hottest thing ever.
“AND????” Lily demands.
She’s so eager, I start to laugh again. “And I figured they got trashed. Totally forgot about them. But—"
“No,” she interrupts, for sure sensing where this is going.
I confirm her suspicions with a pathetic, “Yep.”
“He kept your torn underwear? For all this time?”
“He did, and the note he wrote was…a lot.”
I glance down at the note. I’ve read it at least twenty times, like the masochist I am:
I’m consumed by you, Shay. I don’t understand why, but I’ve stopped trying to figure it out.
You’re the first woman in forever to get under my skin.
And it’s not just the attraction. This torn lace holds some delicious memories, but I kept it because it reminded me of you.
It’s the only thing I had to remember our time together, and keeping it meant there was a chance it wasn’t over.
That I’d see you again. Don’t let this be the end, Shay.
We’re too good together. It’s too wild and too much fun and I, for one, hate going home alone each night.
Please, take a risk on me.
I blink through my misty eyes and swallow. “What do I do, Lil? Even after our first hookup, which was hot but also pretty volatile, he couldn’t let me go. But we have no future together, not with where we both live.”
“You have the summer, though. That could be fun, right? And no one knows how the future will play out.”
“Kolton said the same thing, but if I say yes and go out with him now, I could mess up everything with this job.”
I don’t mention how desperate I am for the promotion and the raise that comes with it. Not a word about my dwindling cash now that I’ve lost shifts at Sass and Style. Angela’s barely getting by, working extra hours to cover for me. Who knows how long she’ll let this go on.
My life these days is balanced on a fraying wire.
Lily would help me if I asked. She’d invite me to her apartment, but she and Kevin have been struggling lately, their relationship no longer as solid as it was. Even if I could swallow my pride, that’s not a scene I want to crash. And Raven’s place is tiny. Like one-cramped-room tiny.
Still, if a miracle doesn’t happen in the next twelve days, I’ll have to ask Lily to borrow money. I’ll have to be that friend.
“Are you interested?” Lily asks. “If the job wasn’t in the way and you lived in the same place, would you go out with him?”
I reply without hesitation. “Yes.”
“And if you don’t give in,” she pushes, “do you think you’ll always wonder, what if?”
This time, I do pause. Something in my chest pinches. “Yeah, probably.”
“Then there’s your answer. Deal with the future later. As for your internship, you’ve done nothing but amazing work on this project. I can’t imagine Hilary would hold it against you.”
My resolve wavers, so I pile on the excuses. “But it’s like he’s too entrenched in my life. My job is because of him. He may have hired me because he thinks I’m right for the work, but he’s still the reason for it. I don’t want to feel reliant on a man again.”
Lily doesn’t answer right away, but my phone vibrates. The incoming message is from Kolton, and I’d swear a cool breeze whispers across my neck, a visceral reaction I can’t blame on the no-longer-broken air-conditioning.
“Give me a second,” I tell Lily.
Worried Kolton can hear the rapid beating of my heart, I place my hand over my chest as I read his text.
Kolton: Hate to ask this, but I’m in a bind with Jackson. Stella’s taking him to a morning pottery class, but she has to leave early. I have a few things to do and might not make it to pick him up. Any chance you can grab him for me? At 11:00? Take him to the library, and I’ll meet you there?
Disappointment rolls through me at his businesslike tone.
Candid. Friendly. Detached.
After I left the construction site yesterday, his anonymously left giftbag clutched in my hand, I’m sure he expected a reaction from me over the panties—a call, a text, anything. When I got home, I sat with the neatly folded red lace, unmoving, for who knows how long, and sent no reply.
He took a risk, admitting just how much he’s thought about me since Aspen…and that he’s a bit of a perv for keeping my torn red thong. Still, the sentiment and his words crept under my guard, and my heart nearly burst. Too overwhelmed to even crack a joke, all he got in return was silence.
Have you been wearing these daily? I should have texted.
Or: The fabric smells kind of salty. But I said nothing.
Now he’s distancing himself.
Like the day my supposed best friend Christine did an impersonation of my stutter in front of our class, my lungs struggle for air, the feeling like swallowing burning tar.
“Shay?” Lily says, her voice faint, since I’m forlornly staring at my phone.
I lift the phone back to my ear. “Yeah, sorry. I’m here.”
“And I’m here for you,” she replies. “I don’t think Kolton is the type of guy who’d want a mindless Barbie doll girl, like Richard. Kolton gave you those gifts, each unique, each representing the real you, because that’s the woman he’s fallen for. The real Shay I know and love.”
She’s right, and I’m tired of fighting my feelings. If I don’t go out with Kolton, potential regret and what-ifs could snowball until I’m a bigger and hotter mess than I was after Richard.
I’m done sitting on my heels. “You’re right. Thanks for talking me off the ledge.”
“Always. And does this mean you’ll go out with him?”
“Odds are high. But if things go south, you have to fill my freezer with ice cream.”
She laughs. “Deal.”
The second we hang up, I type my reply to Kolton before I freak out again and change my mind.
Me: Sure, I’ll pick Jackson up. Forward the address.
I hit Send, even though I haven’t finished drafting the changing rooms for the shop. Even though I’m wearing ripped jean shorts and an oversize Wildcats T-shirt, and I have a shift at Sass and Style this afternoon.
Time to play my hand at the Game of Life.