Chapter 40
SHAY
An hour and another glass of wine later, there’s no sign of Kolton, and I’m lit up like a Christmas tree.
When a waiter passes with a tray of chocolate truffles, I pop one into my mouth. (My fifth, but who’s counting?) I slide my tongue over my gums, savoring the decadence, but fingers grip my arm. Kolton.
“You and I need to talk outside,” he says.
He doesn’t wait for me to answer or look at me. I almost have to run in my heels to keep pace with his aggressive strides as we dodge bodies.
The music pumps, people busting a move on the small dance floor. A few drinks, and everyone loosens up. Everyone except Kolton, apparently.
He pushes out the side emergency exit into a dark alley. An overflowing garbage bin farther down alerts the alcohol in my system it might need to evacuate. Up my throat.
Breathing through my mouth, I give him my best glare. “What’s so important that you needed to rush out of the event?”
“You accepted the job,” he says, flat.
Crap. Hilary. She must have mentioned something to him.
I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Alcohol is not my friend.
“I’m sorry, I just…I should have told you first, but with the excitement of the event and the drinks…
” I press the palm of my hand to his chest. “I wanted to wait to tell you until we were alone, so we could celebrate.”
He stares at my hand over his heart, then his eyes flick up, dark with accusation. “How could you accept a job and tell her without even talking to me? And what do you mean celebrate? How is this a good thing for us?”
The scents of rotting food dissipate, a sudden breeze blowing them the opposite way, but my nausea persists. Kolton scrubs his face, blinking at me like I’m a stranger.
I hug my arms around my waist. “Because I want the job, Kolton. Like, really want it. But I want us to be together, too. It’ll only be for a year or so to build my résumé and gain more experience from Hilary.
I’ll walk away with a portfolio that will guarantee me a good position in Vancouver, and then I’ll move there.
We can make this work.” He scowls, and I press on, “I don’t know exactly what happened with Marina, but whatever it was obviously didn’t ruin your relationship.
You two got married, had Jackson. And this isn’t four years of university.
It’s just a year or so. We can totally do this. ”
He swallows once, twice. Tilts his head back and jabs his toe into the pavement—an internal battle raging. Then he looks at me with haunted eyes. “Marina cheated on me, Shay. So, yes, it did change things between us.”
I pull back, shocked. “I don’t understand.”
“We were having a rough go of it,” he goes on, his voice tight. “Fighting, pissing each other off. The longer we were apart, the worse the tension got. Then one day, I said some mean shit. Unspeakable insults. So she got drunk at a party and slept with some dude to get back at me.”
“God, Kolton. I’m so sorry.”
He holds up a hand, clearly needing to purge more.
“Please, don’t be sorry. Her betrayal was as much my fault as it was hers, and yes, we eventually moved past it, but it always hung over us in an abstract way.
So when I say long distance isn’t an option, it’s not an off-the-cuff statement.
I’ve seen how badly it can go. And I have Jackson to think about now.
Already, he talks about you when you’re not around, which is fine.
He understands dating isn’t always long term, but the more time we spend together, the more attached he’ll get.
If we fall apart down the road, what then? ”
Tears gather—sympathy and anger mixing into a salty cocktail that burns my throat. “I’m sorry about Marina, but I’m not her. I would never cheat on you.”
“Marina would’ve said the same thing,” he says, the anger bleeding out of his tone. He sounds resigned now. Detached, almost. Totally unlike the man I’ve come to know. “And it wasn’t just the cheating. It was how we changed while apart. The resentment. I can’t risk it,” he finishes.
“So…what? This is an ultimatum? I quit my job and move now, or we’re done?” My saliva sours. Nothing about this argument feels rational. This isn’t the Kolton who wooed me with PEZ and videos and candy bouquets. This is a stranger.
He stuffs his hands into his pants pockets and shrugs one shoulder. Shrugs, like he isn’t breaking my heart. “I don’t know another way that protects Jackson.”
Except his easy dismissal of me doesn’t feel Jackson related. This feels…different. And I’m, apparently, the only one who has to make sacrifices.
Bitter memories of passing up a job for Richard slice through me, a familiar self-hate dredged up from my past. Again, a guy is making me choose. Again, a man’s life takes precedence over mine.
I shake my head, the movement getting sharper, faster. “I’m not a snowball, Kolton. At least, not anymore. I’m a snowflake now.”
I swear, that sounded better in my head.
He blinks at me like I have three eyeballs. “What are you talking about? And what does being a snowball have to do with you not giving us a shot?”
“I’m not giving us a shot?” I gesture angrily at…
everything. “I’m the only one working for a mutually beneficial solution.
A snowflake solution, so I don’t turn into a snowball and disappear into your life.
If I move now, I’ll be giving up everything just to be with you.
What does that say about me? What type of person does that make me? ”
“Brave,” he says, not backing down an inch.
I match his squared shoulders with my own. “I am being brave, Kolton. I’m offering you a compromise. If we spend some time long distance, I’d be in this with you. If you get hurt, I get hurt. If Jackson suffers, I suffer. I would never cheat on you. I…I love you.”
Instead of acknowledging my vulnerable confession, he stares up at a flickering light, the strobe snapping to a silent beat.
“Marina loved me, too, Shay. Distance changes people. I didn’t like the guy I became.
” Flicker flicker flicker goes the light.
“Anyway, it’s fine. You made your choice.
It would’ve been nice to hear it from you and not Hilary, but it’s your choice just the same. ”
“Kolton…”
Nothing else. No words are adequate. My chest constricts. His decision feels bigger than Marina having cheated on him. Like he’s using that as an excuse. Like he’s purposely using this as a way to end us. To quit before things between us get tough, because…
“You’re scared,” I blurt, my mind suddenly on fire.
The past weeks, he’s been oddly distracted at times, sometimes looking flushed and worried, like his thoughts might be spiraling.
Usually during our more quiet moments—at the beach, at home when we were with Jackson, lounging together on the couch—which could mean he’s been quietly freaking out.
And he didn’t broach the subject of me moving to Vancouver until Hilary offered me the job.
I assumed he waited out of courtesy to me, so I could make an informed decision, but now I’m not so sure. It’s more like he knew getting the job would alter my decision. Like he was waiting for me to get the offer, wanting me to turn him down.
I look at this man I love with all my heart as the reality of his pain truly sinks in. “You’re scared to love me and lose me like you lost Marina.”
“What?” He blinks and shakes his head, but there’s no missing the sudden sheen in his eyes. “That’s not what this is. I pursued you, if you’ve forgotten. I asked you to move to Vancouver with me. I was ready for that big next step, but since that’s not happening, I’d say we’re done here.”
He passes his hand over his mouth, and I’d swear he’s shaking.
“I’m switching my flight,” he goes on. “Leaving tomorrow. Maybe you should stay with one of the girls tonight, pick up your stuff from my place after I go. I’ll tell Jackson you said goodbye. Sawyer can handle things from here.”
Leaving? Tomorrow? His abrupt decision is a blowtorch to my heart. And Jackson. The idea of not seeing him again, not pushing him on a swing or reading from the dictionary with him has a sob climbing up my throat.
Suddenly boneless, I crouch on my heels to keep from falling down.
This is a different Kolton: sterile, clinical, unfeeling.
Gone is the charmer who woos. He’s shuttered himself from me.
This man who taught me to trust again is walking away to protect himself, and I don’t know how to combat that.
If this is fear to lose another woman he loves, how do I battle this level of panic?
Why would I uproot my life for him, lose an amazing job, if he’s not ready to be all in?
His shoes shuffle in front of me, then he says, “Shay.” Followed by a quiet, “Are you okay? Should I get the girls?”
“No,” I whisper. “I’ll be fine.” Total lie, but I manage to stand. “You can go.”
The side door suddenly slams open, and Lily and Raven tumble into the alley. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Raven staggers toward me but stops when she sees Kolton. “Sorry. Did we interrupt?”
He shoves a hand into his pocket. “No, we’re done.”
Over. Finished.
Forever.
He opens his mouth but closes it. “Enjoy the rest of your night, ladies.”
Then he’s gone. No backward glance.
The door clicks shut behind him, and tears slip down my cheek.
Lily wipes my tears away. “He didn’t like Option Three?”
I shake my head.
Raven squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sorry. We were gonna drag you inside to dance. They switched to a DJ and Pink was on.”
My eyes widen. “Was it ‘Stupid Girls’?”
They both nod.
That song always zooms us back to high school: stolen alcohol, a car stereo blasting, and the three of us dancing in the street. I sag forward. “Can’t say I’m in the mood for dancing.”
“What happened?” Lily asks.
I shrug, my shoulders feeling a thousand pounds. “It’s over. The Marina thing was bigger than I realized. She cheated on him during their year apart, and he’s not willing to try long distance again. But I think it’s more than that.”
Lily rubs my back. “More how?”
“I don’t think he ever got over losing Marina the way he did.
Like loving again is too big of a risk for him.
He probably pushed for me to move, thinking he was trying to make us work, but subconsciously knew I’d want my promotion here.
Like he wanted me to turn him down. I think the guy is terrified to love me, and now…
” My thinning voice cracks. “He’s gone.”
Raven tucks a curl behind my ear. “Maybe you both need some distance to figure things out. He might realize his mistake in time. This doesn’t have to be final.”
But everything about Kolton’s body language screamed final. I bite my cheek to keep from crying more.
Lily grabs each of our hands. “I think tonight qualifies as a girls’ night. I’ll ask Kevin to crash at a friend’s, and”—she tips her chin toward me—“you can stay with me for as long as you need. Slumber party?”
Grateful, I nod, my tears pushing their way back to the surface. Needing a distraction, I nudge Raven. “Did you talk to Nico tonight? He kept watching you from afar.”
“Nope. I avoided Hercules. No need to revisit that mistake.”
For some reason that makes me cry harder. God, I’m a mess.
Raven kisses my cheek and wipes my tears. “Don’t cry, babe. How about I do my impression of your impression of the Dick’s orgasm face. That’ll for sure help.”
She twists her mouth so hideously I can’t fight my laugh. My tears leak regardless as our giggles build into a familiar symphony—our teenage years, once again, revived. South Park. My first (and only) cigarette. Gossiping about Randy Armstrong’s mullet.
I’ve clocked a lot of laughter with these ladies. Amid my streaming tears, I link arms with them to head inside, thankful for our bond. If the hollow in my heart persists, moments like this will be my balm, along with regular therapeutic runs.
Surely, I’ll get over Kolton in time. Surely, this deep heartache can’t last forever.