Chapter 42
SHAY
The buzzer in my apartment sounds, and I hurry downstairs, hoping the delivery is the picture frame I ordered for one of Raven’s stunning photographs.
Outside, a thin-mustached delivery guy taps his toe, yawning, a small package tucked under his arm—too small to be the frame. “Shay Gallagher?”
I nod. “In the flesh.”
Another yawn, a scratch of his neck, then the guy holds out a computerized pad for me to sign.
He lumbers to his van, and I walk back to my apartment, box in hand, turning it over. There’s no return address. No hint to what’s inside. I close my front door behind me, grab an X-Acto knife from my kitchen drawer, then pry the cardboard open.
My stomach plummets.
Fighting for control of my motor skills, I examine the DVD inside, knowing precisely who sent it.
The Terminator’s dark imagery—black leather, sunglasses, and gleaming gun—screams Kolton.
Like everything these days. I can’t go into a convenience store for fear of seeing a PEZ dispenser.
I can’t look at word games, dictionaries, puzzles, or pottery without my throat burning as Jackson’s sweet face fills my mind.
I can’t eat McDonald’s.
There’s no note in the box, but no one else would send me an action movie. I glance outside my window in case Kolton is hiding behind one of the maple trees, watching me fall apart. No long-haired man is in sight.
It’s been over a month without a peep. Forty-nine days, during which I dissected every conversation we had, every sexcapade, wondering how I missed the signs of his fear, how badly losing Marina had scarred him.
In the end, the signs don’t matter. No one can force Kolton to risk his heart. Or force me to get over him.
The question is, why did he send me a DVD now?
I stomp to my computer and stuff the disc into the optical drive, hoping he didn’t tape over this with some gross porn. Or a how-to-ski lesson.
Pulse racing, I hit Play and quickly learn it’s just the stupid Terminator movie.
But why? Why would he send this to me now?
Uninterested in playing his games, I reach to eject the thing, but a name is spoken by the characters. A very specific name.
Connor.
Even more frazzled, I hit Pause.
Toronto’s Snow Show convention is starting soon. He must know Lily invited me to go and see the accessories she designed. I’m aware he’ll be in attendance, too, and have been stressing over seeing him. Did he send me this to make things less awkward between us?
I should toss the disc. Watching it will only open festering wounds, but my curiosity wins. I need to know why he gave me that ridiculous nickname.
Unfortunately, as I watch the movie, my irritation builds. Does he think I’m a damsel in distress in need of saving? With bad eighties hair? Is that why he called me Connor? But by the end, when the credits roll, I lie on the couch and stare at my ceiling.
Sarah Connor wasn’t weak; she fought back. She became a feisty, badass, take-no-prisoners woman who fought for her life. She absolutely rocked.
And Kolton called me Connor.
My phone buzzes with a text, startling me.
Lily: Come to O’Day’s. Raven’s on her way.
The last thing I feel like doing is putting on my social face. Recently, all I’ve done is decline any attempts the girls have made to get me out, shooting down invitations to bars and out shopping. Here I strike again.
Me: Can’t make it. I’m tired.
Lily: But I really need to talk to you. There’s a lot going on. Stuff with Kevin. Please come.
Not much I can say to that.
Me: I’m on my way.
I walk into O’Day’s—a shitty-ass pub in a shitty-ass part of town—and I loiter at the door.
To say this place is ten years past a much-needed makeover is being kind.
Instead of doing my Etch A Sketch thing, erasing the stained green carpet and spindly wooden chairs in my mind, I shove my hands into my pockets.
The girls are in a booth, laughing, something I haven’t done since Kolton walked out of my life. Sighing, I plod to the corner booth, pull a chair from a table, and sit at the end.
Lily pats my knee. “I’m glad you made it.”
“Yeah,” Raven says. “I’m surprised your apartment door still opens. Another few weeks, and I’d be coming by with an axe.”
“Hilarious.” I drape my purse over the back of my chair. The furniture wobbles as I shift my weight.
Lily pushes a glass of white wine toward me. Smart woman.
I take a generous swallow and relax. “Thanks. You okay?”
“Yes and no.” The way she picks at her blue nails, I’d say the scale tips toward no.
Raven stays mum, so I nudge Lily’s foot with mine. “Lay it on us.”
Flecks of blue polish dot the table beneath her hands, accumulating by the second. Finally, she says, “I’m thinking of breaking up with Kevin.”
“Did something happen?” I ask.
Lily shakes her head emphatically. “No. Nothing specific. It’s been rough for months. Years, if I’m honest. It’s just so hard to let go. There’s so much history. And I love him, I really do, but I’m not in love with him. I can’t keep hoping it’ll go back to how it was. It’s hurting both of us.”
Raven sips her beer, licks her lips, then leans on her elbows. “You know I’m all for you moving on. I haven’t exactly been quiet about it, but you need to be sure. You guys have been together forever. There’s fallout with that.”
“Eleven years,” Lily whispers.
My jaw drops. “Jesus. I know you guys got together young. I just never calculated the time. That’s longer than most people stay married.
” Lily’s attention stays fixed on her nails, so I place my hand over hers.
“You can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there.
It might hurt at first, but you’ll both be happier in the long run. ”
I pull my hand back, taking a cardboard coaster with me. I rip notches into its edges, anything to keep my hands busy. Happier in the long run.
Does Kolton want me to reach out to him? Is that why he sent me that video? Why the heck wasn’t there a note?
“I agree with Shay,” Raven says to Lily. “You’re not doing Kevin any favors by dragging things out. He looked like hell the last time I saw him.”
Lily sighs. “I know. You’re both right. I just keep thinking about our families, too. How close he is with my folks, how much I love spending time with his parents. His father wants me to design the shirts for his bowling team. How cute is that?”
Still picking at the coaster, I cross my legs. My chair tips back and forth. “Who knows, maybe you two can stay friends.”
Raven snorts. “Like that ever works. But I need to ask, does any part of this have to do with Sawyer?”
A red stain transforms Lily’s pale skin, a glow seeping from within. She scrapes her teeth over her bottom lip. “I am curious about Sawyer. More than curious, to be honest. We’ve spent a lot of time together the past eight months. I mean, he’s gorgeous, and we get along great.”
She does some yoga breathing—deep breath in, a slow, hissing sound out.
“But this isn’t about him,” she goes on.
“I booked a trip to Belize for Kevin and me a while back, an anniversary gift. It’s not until late December, but the more I think about it, the more I panic.
I’m not sure I can go with him and pretend things are okay.
Because they’re not.” Her pale eyes widen, her head slowly shaking.
“I can’t go with him,” she says again, mouthing the statement a third time.
“Right?” She looks to us for answers, but I can tell she’s figuring things out for herself.
“I can’t keep living a lie because of our history. ”
There’s fire in her expression now, as fierce as the day she challenged our art teacher, claiming Raven’s cubist sculpture deserved a passing grade. The thing made Jackson’s work look professional.
Lily’s hand flies to her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m going to do it. I’m going to break up with Kevin.” She actually looks excited.
Knowing Lily, the other shoe will likely fall, her moment of clarity sure to falter when faced with the task. But it’s our job to be the wind in her sail.
I smile and raise my glass. “To Lily. You got this, girl.”
Raven lifts her beer in the air. “To being brave. We’re here for you.”
Lily clinks our glasses and says something that doesn’t register, because all I can think is: brave.
During my argument with Kolton, he accused me of not being brave.
Of not trusting myself to function in a healthy relationship.
Is that what I did, in the end? He definitely pulled the plug on us, but could I have taken more of a risk?
Tried harder to find a good job in Vancouver?
Was I worried I loved Kolton so much I’d change too many aspects of my life to fit in with his?
Someone brave would have reveled in those risks. Someone brave would deserve the nickname Connor.
“Kolton sent me a video,” I confess to the girls.
Raven raises one dark eyebrow. “Kinky. Is there some girl-on-girl action?”
My chair tips as I fling my shredded coaster at her face.
“Not that kind of video. The Terminator.” When both girls frown, I add, “It has to do with a name he used to call me. It’s just, I don’t know why he sent it.
And I’ve been thinking about our breakup.
” Tick tock goes my chair. “There’s no question that he panicked about the prospect of getting hurt after everything with Marina, but I think maybe I messed up, too?
I didn’t even look at the other design firms he researched.
I think I was too scared I’d get snowballed into his life.
I thought I was over everything with Richard, but I think I maybe let that same stuff drive my decision with Kolton. ”
“Well,” Raven says, sounding angry, “I wouldn’t be surprised. The Dick was verbally abusive, Shay. That kind of trauma takes time to deal with. But you’re feeling better now, right?”
I nod. “So much. I mean, I’m a mess over Kolton, as you know, but clearer about my past choices, if that makes sense.”
“And work’s been good?” Lily asks.
I smile easily at that. “Really great. Each project is scary to attack, but that gets my creative juices thriving, and I love the challenge. And the new partner Hilary hired is actually super nice and helpful. It’s just…I’m realizing that maybe the job is just that—a job.”
Hours that fulfill me in important ways, but that time doesn’t put the bounce in my step or the fire in my belly or the laughter in my life. It doesn’t come with Jackson and his perfect quirks. My job at Concept certainly doesn’t come with Kolton.
“It’s possible,” I go on, thinking aloud, “that I thought this was it—my one shot at independence and advancement? Which I’m slowly realizing isn’t true.
I can design for a variety of clients with varied styles, and I think I’m kind of wishing I’d checked out the Vancouver design firms Kolton sent. ”
“Then check them out,” Raven says. “He might not have used those three words, but there’s no question Kolton loves you. The video he sent must be his way of reaching out. I bet he misses you as much as you miss him, although he might not be inhaling pounds of icing.”
“Or,” I say, ignoring her jab, “what if the movie was just him mending fences so it’s less awkward when we see each other at the Snow Show convention? What if”—my stomach lurches—“he attends the Snow Show with a date?”
“You look green, Shay.” Lily’s eyes widen. “Are you feeling okay?”
I laugh—an abrupt, harsh sound. “No. I am far from okay. I haven’t been sleeping much.” I grab a second coaster and begin shredding it.
Lily stills my hands. “He doesn’t have a date, Shay. I know he misses you. I think he’s realizing he fucked up.”
Her intel must come from Sawyer, which means Kolton and I have both been drowning in our own sorrow, too afraid to take the next giant step, believing our histories were bound to repeat.
The girls talk among themselves while I shred another coaster and rock on my chair and sip my wine, the whole while on the verge of tears.
As a stuttering kid, I was ushered to appointments, my prolonged stammering examined with a magnifying glass.
The good moments, the ones where I’d channel my inner cheetah and chase sounds fluidly, happened around family or when I sang or chattered to my dog, Snoopy.
The bad times were in school with my “peers.” My syllables would whir in place, an endless skipping record.
Through breathing exercises and articulation, I gained control over my voice.
Belonging to a ski team was the final push I needed: my fear of the fear of speaking dissipated, but it was a battle to get there.
Now, fifteen years later, I realize that experience still impacts my life. Like every obstacle I face is another struggle I must fight. And win.
But every challenge isn’t a battle. My mistakes aren’t life sentences. If I walk away from this job, another will arise, because I’m capable. And I can fight for Kolton, too. Show up at his hotel tomorrow, tell him I want to take a bigger risk, and pray this boost of bravery isn’t too late.
Brave. Brave. Brave.
I nod, as if the action will shake something loose in my obstinate brain.
The girls are still chatting, shooting furtive glances my way.
I grab my purse and put cash on the table. “I’m heading home.” I turn to Lily. “Call me if you need anything. I’m proud of you.”
I’m about to leave when Raven says, “You normally take Bathurst Street, right?”
“Sometimes, why?”
“Bad accident earlier. It was down to one lane on my way here. I’d take Spadina.”
It’s a bit of a detour, but nothing is worse than sitting in traffic. “Okay, thanks.”
With one last wave, I leave to spend another lonely evening in my apartment. Hopefully, Kolton’s Terminator movie wasn’t just a peace offering. Hopefully, it means he still wants to work on things. If not, tomorrow will be the start of an epic cupcake eating competition.
Contestants: Me versus Me.