Epilogue #2
Calm, cool, and collected, he leaves to catch his flight, treating me like the friend and coworker I am.
But I can’t move from my stool. I’m overheated from his presence, as unclear as ever about his feelings for me.
Not that they should matter, considering I can’t drum up the courage to break up with Kevin.
Frazzled and needing a voice of reason, I call Shay.
“Hello, beautiful lady,” she answers. “What’s up?”
“I’m having a day,” I blurt.
“A good day or a bad day?”
“Definitely bad.” I scan the street through the window, looking for another glimpse of Sawyer. He’s gone, but I swear I still feel the soft press of his lips against my cheek. “You know how I never broke up with Kevin?”
“I do,” she says gently. “Has something happened?”
Of my two best friends, Shay is the most pragmatic and approaches advice with a soft touch. Raven is blunt and direct. I’m the seesaw that sways back and forth and tries to keep the peace. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe I need to find my inner sassy woman.
If she exists under my introverted shell.
“The thing is,” I say, speaking as I try to untangle my thoughts, “it’s like Kevin is part of who I am.
Not just my neighbor and best friend growing up, which Raven loves to tease me about, but he was my rock when my grandmother passed.
Like, he grounds me. And he was there for me when I was away from home for the first time.
And I think, maybe, my happiness feels tied to him?
Even though I’m not in love with him,” I add quickly.
“I think I’m maybe worried I’ll fall apart without him in my life. ”
The last thing I want is my stress-induced compulsions to reappear, and breaking up with my boyfriend of eleven years is the height of stressful.
“Whatever you decide, you won’t fall apart, Lil. You have me and Raven.”
“I know, and I love you both.” But they don’t know all of me.
“Out of curiosity, were you with Sawyer just now?”
I glance around, like she’s hiding in the restaurant. “Yes?”
“And does he have something to do with why you’re thinking about this now? I know you’ve said in the past that he’s not why you’re debating your breakup, but I kind of feel like he plays a part.”
Shay might not know all of my idiosyncrasies, but she certainly knows enough.
“Technically, ending things with Kevin is only about him and me. I mean”—I lower my voice—“we haven’t been intimate in over a year.
We don’t even cuddle anymore.” No stolen kisses.
No flirtatious games. “We’re roommates who have a long, involved history.
But…yes, I think about Sawyer too much. He’s not the reason, though, and I’m not even sure he’s interested. ”
“Right, but is it possible that’s part of why you’re hesitating? For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been single. I’m wondering if the possibility of Sawyer not being interested is holding you back—fear of actually being single.”
My face and ears suddenly heat as my mouth dries. “No. That’s definitely not the issue.”
I’m not one of those women who needs a man. I’m creative and smart. I’m a supportive friend and excellent whistler. Sure, I’m a card-carrying member of the introverted club, but I like my own company.
“No,” I say again, firmer. “I’m interested in Sawyer because of the friendship we’ve built, and the attraction is…” Like nothing I’ve ever known. “It’s intense. I think I’m more afraid of learning he’s not interested and feeling hurt by that.” Definitely not fear of being on my own.
“Okay,” Shay says after a pause. “So, if Sawyer is interested, you’d be ready to get together with him so soon after ending things with Kevin?”
Shay hasn’t lived with Kevin and me. She hasn’t witnessed the lack of intimacy, the way we make our own plans, no longer involving the other most of the time.
The dividing line in our bed that is never crossed.
And I shed so many tears this past year while sorting through my feelings for Kevin, it’s like I’ve already done the getting-over-him part.
The ice cream eating. The lonely nights sitting solo in a café listening to Regina Spektor.
“I wouldn’t classify Kevin as a technical ‘boyfriend’ anymore. Not for years, really. We’re roommates who grew up together. I still love him, but I’m not in love with him. So, no, I wouldn’t have any issues getting together with the right guy, even if it’s soon after we break up.”
Which should tell me all I need to know about this decision.
Especially because I do think Sawyer could be interested. If I wait much longer, he might meet someone else, move on, and I’ll live with regrets, worrying I lost him because I was too afraid of his rejection.
“I know I’ve said this before,” I tell Shay, more determined than ever, “but I think this is it. I think I’m going to break up with Kevin tonight. Actually—scratch the ‘I think’ part. I’m tired of living in this weird limbo. It’s time to move on.”
And to find out if Sawyer and I have a future.
Unease grips my chest, but I don’t dwell on what this level of stress might cause. Worrying about ifs is why I’ve taken so long to make this change.
“Whoa,” Shay says. “I like that steel in your voice. Who is this new Lily?”
I don’t know, but I’m excited—and somewhat terrified—to find out.