35. Luke
luke
. . .
The last two weeks had been a blur. I thought I had been dreaming about being home with Noah, about Jackson and Rhett being in our Nashville house.
But it wasn’t a dream. Noah had come for me, with the help of two people who made it very clear that they were there for Bailey and not me.
When I had been coherent enough to ask if Bailey had sent them, Noah had looked away saying she didn’t know and he wanted it to stay that way for a while but wouldn't tell me why.
I had this nagging feeling that he wasn’t telling me something, that something was very wrong, but I was pulled under in my restless sleep.
It took over a week for me to be stable enough to travel any distance and then the doctor, Noah, had called for help, prescribed me stabilization meds to get me home and then into a rehabilitation centre close to Hawthorne ridge.
The doctor had suggested driving home instead of flying but Noah had shot that down fast, saying he didn’t want to be gone that long.
Again, I felt like he wasn’t telling me everything, but he told me to focus on getting well and that he would explain everything when I was in a better headspace.
Noah chartered a plane and the doctor had helped with medication that could settle some of my symptoms while we traveled and gave Noah instructions for when I was home and waiting to be admitted to the program the doctor had suggested.
The closer we got to home, the more my anxiety grew. I hadn’t seen Bailey in person since… in months?
How long has it been?
My mind felt like it was muddied… fogged over. Like bits and pieces would reveal itself to me when it felt like it, but when I tried to pull on a memory or piece something… when I tried to get my words to work…
What day is it?
My hands hadn’t stopped shaking and I had lost a lot of weight. I hadn’t noticed until I overheard Noah talking to our parents on the phone when he thought I was sleeping.
I stumbled into the bathroom, flipped on the light and then squeezed my eyes shut trying to keep myself upright, gripping the porcelain sink, feeling the cold surface ground me.
When I was steady enough to open my eyes I didn't recognize the man in the mirror.
My face was hollow, my once clear dark blue eyes were almost murky, dull.
My normally tanned skin looked pale and older then it should.
My clothes hanging off my normally muscular frame.
Noah’s words echoed in my mind as I took myself in…
“Dad, he looks like a fucking ghost of himself…”
“No he is not ok, just keeping him at the property will not be enough…”
“He needs help…”
“You will barely recognize him…”
I stood staring at myself, tears streaming down my face, speckling my shirt and the sink, until Noah found me and brought me back to the living room, trying to coax me to eat.
On the flight over he had tried to explain to me how much of the compound had been built, and when he realized I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about he had gotten mad and gone quiet.
I stared out the window until I drifted off into memories that my mind was forcing me to see…
relive. Every time that Bailey had brought up the compound, every time she talked about the dream and then when she stopped.
When she stopped trying because I was already so far away from her. I stopped trying first… I…
I woke up as we landed in Summit City. Noah had told me that Mom and Dad would be waiting for us at our property so that mom wouldn't make a public scene.
Our property… I vaguely remember something being mentioned in the divorce papers… I remember…
I closed my eyes and thought of the last time we were together in the Nashville house. I remember her laptop screen lighting up and pictures… I remember thinking this was still just a plan… but she had told me hadn't she… she had said…
“What is all this?”
She closed her laptop like she had to protect what was on it from me.
“It’s the compound, the orchard. The property back home.”
I was so confused… “You mean the idea?”
“It’s not an idea anymore.”
‘It’s not an idea anymore’ kept playing through my mind as Noah drove us out of the city and through towns that had once felt like part of me, like home.
But now felt almost like a distant memory.
My body hurt, my head splitting, but I forced my eyes to stay open.
To take in the moment we crested into a valley and my breath was stolen.
I sucked in a shuddering breath and Noah responded, “This is where the property starts. Mom found it a few years back and Bailey bought it without a fuss…”
He blended into the background, my heartbeat in my ears, as we drove past land that Bailey had bought for our families… all she had done while I was focused on… me.
“It’s not an idea anymore.”
Oh god… Bailey. What have I done?
We drove until we came up to a long lane and Noah shot me a look before pulling in, slowing down and we bounced over the gravel drive.
Out buildings and an orchard pulled my focus… Dad must be so happy.
They all must be…
Are they better off without me?
Noah turned and we headed toward a section of the land that seemed to be separated from the main areas, four houses came into view and I didn't even try to stop the sob that tore out of me. Everything we had talked about, every dream we had wished on was right in front of me.
She did it….
Without me…
Because she had to…
I let her down… but Bailey kept on going…
I could barely see our parents standing on a porch of one of the finished houses, the tears blurring my vision.
I didn't notice them move or hear the door open, but then I was wrapped in a hug I would know anywhere.
My moms arms pulled me in tight as I was enveloped in her scent, her sobs joining mine.
“Oh my god my baby boy.”
“It’s ok Luke.”
“You are home and we've got you.”
I don't know how long we stayed like that. Noah and dads voices drifting in every once in a while, between moms words.
Mom was eventually pulled back, as dad helped me out of the truck and hugged me tight. My eyes drifted instinctively to the right… to the house that hadn’t been finished yet… to the home that I just knew was supposed to be ours.
Exhausted from traveling and the medications the doctor had prescribed me, they brought me to a spare room in the house they had built and told me to rest. That we could talk and make plans when I had more energy.
I managed to sleep through the night, my dreams filled with golden eyes and the sweetest smile I had ever seen.
One memory in particular kept playing on loop.
It was just after Bailey had signed her contract and it felt like everything was changing so fast. Like someone had hit fastforward.
It was the first time I could remember feeling like we weren’t equals anymore.
Like she was on a different path than me.
We were at an industry bar in Nashville, Rachel and some big time producers had pulled Bailey away to talk to some other big names that were there that night.
I watched from a high top table off to the side as everyone swarmed her, as she shared her light with everyone.
I watched how each person who approached her lit up, left a little bit happier, a little bit more inspired.
I felt a jealousy I had never once felt before in our relationship.
This surge of panic that she would realize she wouldn't need me, that I brought the person I loved the most in this world here and that if I didn’t catch up I would lose her… I would lose everything.
I woke up with a gasp, tears streaming down my face.
Because I did lose her, just not in the way I was terrified of. I pushed her away in an attempt to keep her with me forever.
A wave of nausea hit me all at once and I barely made it out into the hall and into the bathroom.
When I was done and able to stand I washed my face with cold water and tried to take in deep breaths.
My vision swam for a few minutes and my head split.
The feeling of not being in control of my body, of my mind… It was terrifying.
I heard voices coming from the main part of the house and so I followed them leaning against the hallway wall, feeling so weak… so small. I got to the end and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, when I heard my dad.
“Do we think it’s the best idea to have him here where we make and sell hard cider?"
I heard my mom huff, “Thomas what are you saying? That we kick our son out…”
I wanted to walk to them, to tell them it wasn’t like that. That I would be ok… But I was so lightheaded…
“Rose, he has a problem, an addiction. You can’t mother that away.”
I heard my mom sniffle and I opened my eyes determined to get in there. Get to them.
I took a step and my legs almost gave out on me, but Noah was beside me, looping his arm into mine and holding some of my weight, guiding me to the kitchen where mom was standing at the island and dad was seated at the dining table.
Mom looked up at me and made a choking sound before turning her back to us.
I am so sorry…
Noah brought me to the table and after I was settled he moved to mom giving her a kiss on her head, whispering something low just for her and then moving to put the kettle on. I felt dad’s eyes on me, but I kept mine on mom. Wishing I could go to her, tell her it was all going to be ok.
But… I wasn’t… I am not ok…
Noah came up beside me, placing a glass of water and a box of crackers beside me, “Sadie says these are the only things that help when she is nauseous, maybe you can keep them down. I am making you some tea.”
He walked back over to mom, his words playing in my mind… Sadie… Why was Sadie nauseous?
Before I could ask, Dad cleared his throat, “When do you leave for Rehab?”
Mom gasped and spun her tear soaked cheeks flushed, “Thomas.”
“Rose we talked about this, this will always be his home if he wants it. But he needs to get better, figure out how and why he could have fucked it up so spectacularly with Bailey. With us.”
Mom was crying harder, so I took a shaky sip of water and looked up at dad.
“You are right, dad. I need to figure myself out…” A wave of nausea hit me again, I felt my clammy skin start to sweat, but I pushed it down. “I will go to rehab and come back better…”
The kettle whistle went off and I took the box of crackers in my hand, trying to get them open.
Eventually dad snatched them from my hands, opening the box and placing it back in front of me.
I tentatively took a cracker from the box and took the smallest bite, working my way through finishing the square.
Noah and mom joined us at the table and Noah slid the tea in front of me.
Pushing the box of crackers back, I took the warm tea mug in my hands, absorbing the warmth and comfort.
“Is…” My voice croaked so I cleared it and tried again. “Where is Bailey?”
“You don’t get to ask…” Dad started, but then mom cut him off, “Thomas…” But he pushed on, saying, “No Rose, he doesn’t get to break our girl like that and pull all the shit he’s pulled, then come back to the place she built without him and ask for her.”
Mom was busy whipping her tears with the sleeves of her sweater, “He’s our son, Thomas.”
Dad let out a gruff sound, “He is, and you’ve gotta know that I love you Luke. But Bailey does not need this right now. I told you when you first concocted this plan that this wasn’t fair to her.”
Mom reached out squeezing my forearm, “She said he was always welcome…”
Dad stood quickly scrapping his chair back, “I know that Rose, that girl would never say no. But she also said that before her life was turned upside down…” What was wrong with Bailey?
“...She doesn’t need to come home after everything he put her through…
after everything she is trying to come to terms with and come face to face with Luke. ”
Mom’s hand was trembling on my forearm, so I slipped my opposite hand from the mug and laid it on top of hers.
“I am sorry, if me being here is a problem. I…”
What was I going to ask?
Dad scoffed, “It is a problem and will be a problem but I got out voted… so there's that.”
He turned and stomped out of the kitchen, the front door slamming behind him.
“I… sorry.”
I was suddenly so tired…. I felt like there were so many things I wanted to ask… wanted to know… But then Noah was lying me down by the fireplace, covering me up in a soft blanket and telling me to rest. So I closed my eyes and dreamed of golden eyes and a life where everything was ok.