45. Luke
luke
. . .
Five days after Sadie left us, I found Bailey outside of Iris’s room.
She had been going through the motions and disappearing to our house whenever it got to be too much.
I knew she hadn’t processed losing Sadie, I watched her shut it all down after we got the news and rushed over to the house to help care for Iris, while Bailey was there for Cole.
It felt weird waiting for someone to break, but I knew it was coming and I wanted to be here for her when she needed me.
I had two virtual sessions with my therapist in the days since we lost Sadie and a plan to see him in person when I felt like I could leave.
I stood in the hall for a few minutes watching her, even in her pain she was the most beautiful person I had ever met.
I had been beating myself over where our relationship was right now, how I felt like if I hadn’t fucked everything up that I would be in a better place to help her, comfort her.
My therapist reminded me I couldn’t change the past but I could be here for her in any way she let me and that when the time came I needed to have an open and honest conversation about what happened and that I still saw a future with her.
Until then I would wait. I would wait forever for her.
Like she sensed me, Bailey stood from the doorframe and looked over her shoulder at me, her big golden eyes were glassy and red rimmed.
It took everything in me to stay put, and not wrap her in my arms. But she needed to be the one to decide what she wanted, I didn’t want to take any more from her.
So I waved her over, gestured with my head for her to follow and walked down the hallway to the open living area.
My mom was already in the kitchen, baking and cooking, making sure everyone was fed and feeling connected by making some of the recipes she used to make with Sadie all the time.
Jackson and Rhett had left two days ago and Rachel left late last night saying she'd be back soon but she had assholes to deal with.
After a few minutes I heard Bailey’s unusually heavy footsteps coming behind me.
I turned and noticed she had put on my sweater and pulled her hair up in a messy knot.
I wanted to offer to swap out my sweater or at least wash it for her but I didn’t want to burst whatever it was she felt by having it with her all the time.
Bailey kept a cautious distance between us so I took a step closer to her.
I cleared my throat that suddenly felt blocked and asked, “Can you come with me, I want to show you something.”
Bailey instantly shook her head, no, an almost panicked look taking over her beautiful features, “I can’t just go, Luke.”
“Bai…” But they cut me off, “What if Cole wakes up and needs me or Iris…” She trailed off looking behind her down the hallway. Cole had been sleeping in the nursery with Iris, avoiding his room entirely.
“Mom is here and Dad and Noah will be by after they are done…”
Tears started to drop down her cheeks as she shook her head furiously, like the idea of leaving this house with me terrified her.
I took a step closer and Bailey’s big eyes were looking up at me, almost pleading with me.
I tentatively reached out one hand grabbing hers and stroking it with my thumb while I gave her a little tug saying, “Come with me please, I need to show you something.”
She looked behind her again and then back at me, her lower lip trembling. So I stepped in closer, pulling her the rest of the way to me and said, “It’s what Sadie wanted.”
Her golden eyes went wide as she swallowed hard and then after whipping the tears from her cheeks nodded her head in a ‘yes’.
I left Bailey to get herself ready to go outside and peaked in on my mom, giving a kiss to her forehead and letting her know we would be stepping out of the house for a little bit but would still be on the property.
I wasn’t sure how Bailey was going to react with what I was going to show her, but I needed to do it. It was the last thing Sadie asked of me and I believed even if it didn’t help Bailey now, it would eventually.
Late winter to early spring was still a mix up of weather in this range, I had walked the path and ensured it was safe for Bailey to come up with me today. Eventually I wanted to build a proper path so that anyone could come up here in the future. But today was for Bailey.
We made our way in silence, every once in a while I would catch her looking up at me in question, in response I would squeeze her hand and rub my thumb along her hand to reassure her.
We finally got to the clearing and I let Bailey’s hand go. Not that I wanted to, but I wanted her to explore this area and give her the space I knew she would need.
Bailey walked right up to the giant tree at the edge of the clearing and then looked over the view.
“What is this Luke?”
I let her take in the space, before answering. But she added, “You said this is what Sadie wanted… you… wait…”
It looked like she was piecing things together. But I wanted to make it easier on her.
“I did and it is. This is what I have been helping Sadie with. She wanted a place on the property where everyone could visit her, where she could feel like she was still anchored here.”
Bailey spun around, tears dripping down her rosy cheeks, “You?”
I took a step closer and nodded saying, “Sadie came to me after I got home from rehab, asking if I could help her with this. She had a few favourite places around the property but she wanted to be away from the public buildings, she wanted a view and she wanted it to be a place where everyone could visit her.”
Bailey was blinking, staring at me, then she took a deep breath and let her eyes trail over every single aspect of this space.
While she took it all in I continued telling her everything, “The day of the nominations Sadie was looking at what I had been working with Brody Palmer and his dad on.” Bailey didn’t look at me but I knew she was listening, so I continued, “I got this space as cleared as I could to show you, and Cole when he’s ready.
But I wanted something permanent, something that people could use.
Brody is making a few benches from wood cut from this property, and a plaque…
” At that, Bailey looked up at me in question.
I took a step closer to her, taking in the view of the setting sun blanketing the property in a golden glow.
“Sadie didn’t want a head stone, she thought maybe a small plaque could go on one of the benches, or maybe a sign where everyone can be added when the time comes. ”
Bailey nodded, seemingly processing the information and then turned so she was facing the view of everything she built.
The view Sadie wanted to be her final resting place.
And as Bailey took in the view, I took her in.
I watched as so many emotions played over her features.
Bailey grabbed at her chest and sucked in a breath.
I was going to go to her but then one of those rare weather situations in the mountains where it could be a sunny clear day and stray snowflakes could find you came about all of a sudden.
Bailey closed her eyes, the sun shining on her as fat snow flakes landed on her face and hair.
I watched her have this moment, this is exactly what Sadie wanted.
A spot for everyone to come and remember her, with love in their hearts instead of grief.
A place we could bring Iris, a place where we could all join her eventually.
I stepped closer to Bailey when I noticed her mouth was moving, like she was whispering and then I heard ‘Sadie’.
Bailey tilted her head in my direction and opened her eyes, that looked like liquid gold in this light, with tears in her eyes.
I walked right up beside her, close enough that she could feel me, feel the support I was offering, but far enough that Bailey needed to make the choices to close the distance between us.
And she did. Without hesitation Bailey stepped into my side, so I wrapped my arm around her, tucking her into my side.
We both let out a sigh at the same time.
Standing at the place that Sadie had picked for her ashes to be spread, where we could have a view of the entire property, so she could always be looking over us.
I knew I had a lot to make up for, I had a lot to explain.
But for the first time in a long time, even in my grief for losing Sadie, life didn’t feel hopeless.
As I stood with the love of my life tucked in my side, looking over the dream we had talked about most of our lives, a certain calm knowing settled in to me.
I would do anything for Bailey, I would be the man she had always thought I was. I would put her before my own wants and mend the damage I created in our relationship.