49. Bailey
bailey
. . .
Without realizing it, time passes us by, everyone keeping busy on the property as spring brings in endless work.
I haven’t sung or written since everything leading up to and the award show.
But I kept myself busy learning how the property runs, how the different businesses operate together and helping Cole with Iris.
My grief is still there, just softer. Like the air drifting through open windows.
It feels wrong somehow. Like the world shouldn’t keep moving after Sadie died.
Like my grief shouldn’t soften. But it does.
That’s the strange thing about grief. Eventually it stops feeling sharp every second of every day and instead becomes something quieter.
Heavier somehow. Like carrying a stone inside your chest that never really leaves.
I took a referral from Luke’s therapist, I still haven't been to a joint session with him. But I see someone now and she is helping me work through my feelings, my guilt and the anger that was festering in me. And somehow before I even know it, their anniversary comes out of nowhere.
One year since Sadie and Cole stood on this very property promising each other forever.
One year.
It feels impossible.
The property is quieter that morning. Rose keeps herself busy in the kitchen baking enough food to feed a small army while Thomas disappears outside before breakfast pretending he needs to check fencing that definitely doesn’t need checking and grumbling something about apple blossoms. Noah hovers around Cole awkwardly like he doesn’t know whether to crack a joke or hug him.
Cole barely speaks at all. But that isn’t unusual anymore.
Grief changed all of us. Just in different ways.
I find myself looking for Luke automatically sometime after lunch and the realization still catches me off guard every time. Because things have been different between us since Nashville.
Since the awards.
Since the trailer park.
We aren’t fixed, but through open conversations and sessions with my therapist I am starting to understand.
Luke keeps showing up, he has been a steady constant at my side and that too has me feeling softer.
Like all the jagged edges between us finally started smoothing down enough for us to touch each other without bleeding out.
I stopped second guessing every glance, every touch… Every moment. Some nights I even fall asleep curled against his chest without thinking about it.
And Luke…
Luke never pushed.
He is letting me lead. He is not only showing up for me, but for our families and for our dreams…
this property. Whether it's helping his dad repair machines, helping his mom in the kitchen, learning all about the different types of cider we make here or getting up with Iris when Cole looked too exhausted to function.
Loving us all through the grief without asking for anything in return.
I found him near the overlook. The wind moves softly through the trees as I walk toward the benches overlooking the valley below. Wildflowers have started blooming around the edges already, little bursts of purple and yellow scattered through the grass.
Sadie would’ve loved it.
Luke sits leaning against the large tree by the benches, a blanket spread out beneath him and Iris. She is on her back, playing with her toes and cooing along with the song he is signing to her. His guitar balanced across his lap.
“And if someday your heart aches bad
Wondering about the time you didn’t have
Baby look up after the storm rolls through
She’ll leave a rainbow there for you.”
I slow to a stop just listening. Iris stares up at him completely mesmerized, her hand reaching out to him, tiny fingers wrapping around the fabric of his shirt while little happy sounds bubble from her every few seconds.
She’s gotten so big, her cheeks are rounder now, hair is thicker, and she smiles now, real smiles that light up her whole face. Especially for Luke.
The second he finishes the chorus she lets out this tiny excited squeal that makes him laugh softly, and the sound wrecks me a little, because he looks so natural with her.
Like this version of Luke was always somewhere inside him waiting to be found.
His eyes lift then and land on me standing near the path.
Everything about his expression softens instantly.
“There’s my girl,” he says quietly.
Something warm and dangerous unfolds low in my gut. Iris notices me a second later and immediately starts kicking excitedly.
“Well damn,” Luke mutters dramatically. “Guess I’m chopped liver now.”
I laugh softly for the first time all day. The sound still feels fragile and unfamiliar. Luke watches me carefully like it matters.
I move closer until I’m standing beside the blanket looking out toward the mountains.
“It’s beautiful up here in every single season,” I whisper.
Luke glances toward the wildflowers surrounding the overlook, at the life living in full summer growth all around us. “She’d like the colors.”
My throat tightens instantly. Luke reaches for my hand slowly, giving me plenty of time to pull away if I want to.
But I have been realizing that I don’t. My fingers slide between his automatically now.
After a while Iris starts getting fussy so I join them on the blanket and give her the bottle I had packed in my bag before I went looking for them.
She snuggles into me, one hand clasped with mine, while the other tangles in my hair.
And Luke strums on his guitar beside us.
For the first time I can admit that I miss her without bursting into tears.
The next few days pass quietly. Luke and I fall into each other again in small, almost accidental ways.
His hand settled against my lower back while we cooked dinner.
Me leaning into him automatically during movies.
Falling asleep beside him on the couch while Iris snores softly in her bassinet nearby.
It’s like we are healing slowly in all the little spaces between grief.
My birthday arrives wrapped in summer sunshine and a backyard full of people pretending they aren’t watching Luke and I like nervous parents waiting for us to either kiss or combust.
Noah loses twenty dollars to Rhett before dinner even starts. Apparently there was a fair amount of betting involved around my birthday, our anniversary.
The night settles around us warm and golden while music drifts softly through the property and Rose is buzzing around taking what feels like a million pictures. Iris is passed around looking like the cutest sunflower in her yellow tutu and the tiniest pigtails I have ever seen.
For the first time in a long time… Being surrounded by people doesn’t feel exhausting.
It feels safe.
Luke finds me alone near the orchard just after sunset.
“Are you hiding from our family?” he asks softly.
“Yes.”
He laughs and I smile slightly as he steps beside me. The air between us feels different now.
Not heavy anymore, but still weighted. Full of all the questions we still haven't addressed.
Luke shoves his hands into his pockets before glancing down toward the grass and suddenly he looks nervous. That alone nearly makes me laugh.
“What?” I ask softly.
His eyes lift to mine slowly, as he asks, “What do you want to do about us?”
I have been waiting for this question to come.
Knowing at some point he would need to know where we stand, we both need to know.
But I wanted to be sure about how I was feeling before I approached it.
The divorce still hangs unfinished between us like the last ugly thread connecting us to the worst version of our marriage.
Luke swallows hard. “I meant what I said,” he tells me quietly. “About therapy. About doing the work properly together if… if that’s something you want.”
I stare at him for a long moment. At the man standing in front of me now. Not the broken version from last year or the ghost who disappeared inside addiction and fame.
This Luke.
The one who came back. The one who held me up when I was ready to fall. My Luke.
“I’ve been thinking about it,” I admit softly.
His whole body stills. “And?”
I take a shaky breath. “I can’t imagine loving anyone else.”
Emotion flashes so hard across his face it nearly undoes me. “Bailey…”
“I’m still hurt,” I whisper quickly. “And my trust is still broken in places. I think maybe it will be for a while.”
Luke nods immediately. “I understand.”
“But…” My throat tightens. “Nobody will ever know me the way you do. And despite everything… I don’t want this to end.”
His eyes close briefly like the words physically hit him. Then quietly he asks, “So… no divorce?”
I laugh softly through the tears suddenly filling my eyes. “I already asked Rachel to withdraw the petition.”
Luke just stares at me. Like his brain stopped functioning completely.
“So…” He swallows hard. “We’re still married?”
I nod once. “Yes.”
The emotion that crosses his face right then almost destroys me.
A mix of relief, love, disbelief, hope and so much more.
Luke steps closer slowly like he’s afraid moving too fast might ruin this moment somehow.
Then he brushes a piece of my hair back from my face and tucks it behind my ear, his hand still hovering there.
He asks quietly, “Can I kiss my wife on her birthday?”
My breath catches instantly. After everything… That question feels monumental. Butterflies twirl in my stomach and I feel almost giddy.
“Yes,” I whisper.
Luke’s hand slides gently behind my head, before he pulls me toward him slowly, carefully, like he’s still giving me space to change my mind.
But I don’t, I want this, I want him.
The second his lips touch mine every broken piece inside me shifts painfully back into place.
Home.
That’s what this feels like. It isn’t fireworks or wild and chaotic. It’s him and me and our lifetime together.
My fingers fist in his shirt while his forehead rests against mine and our breathing turns ragged almost immediately.
Emotion swells so hard in my chest it physically aches.
A tear slips free before I even realize I’m crying and Luke catches it gently with his thumb before pressing a soft kiss against my forehead.
Then he just holds me there against him while laughter and music drift across the property behind us.