Chapter 4 - Hearts Desire
My chest flared with light and my hands lit up with heat. My eyes met Daigen’s violet ones and all I wanted was to turn him into char.
Burn.
I released my magic with a scream. The surge of power I had sent toward Daigen bent back and flared through his house.
Fire crackled around me. Heat radiated through the air. My eyes stayed shut as my power thrummed through my body. Years of anger shredded my throat all at once and I could not hold it down.
“You turned my brothers into ravens!” I screamed. My temples ached. My muscles flared. “We thought they were dead! For seven years, we thought they were dead!”
I could not even sense Daigen through the blinding heat of my power. The bitter truth of my brothers’ reappearance shoved itself to the front of my mind and the fire burned hotter.
The House of Ravenwood was destitute because its only heirs had died, so I had shouldered the impossible burden of the family’s fate. I had schemed to become the Duchess of Lycaster, lied for years, and destroyed myself little by little to survive in the hell they left me in.
“ Se-ra! Se-ra! ” my brothers cried.
My heart raced. My breath escaped my clenched teeth in labored huffs. My body screamed with pain as the white flames raged through my arms, but I could not stop.
“ Litlnadr, ” Daigen’s voice was infuriatingly calm over the roar of my flames, “keep going.”
I hated him. Hated him.
I clenched my fists so tightly my fingernails cut my palms. Daigen needed to suffer. He needed to know exactly what he robbed from me.
I pushed the rest of the burning fury through my throat. “I refused to love anyone because they left me.”
Suddenly whatever was fueling my fire had run out. The flames extinguished as my magic quieted. My knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor.
My eyes fluttered open. A smoking ring of char on the stone floor surrounded me. Daigen’s wooden table had turned into a pile of ash. His iron tools were scattered through the remains and still glowing red. The Nordingaard crystal in the vise was a luminescent white.
The flutter of wings whispered near my ear. One of the ravens—one of my brothers —landed in front of my face. As soon as he started preening wisps of hair off my sticky cheeks, I knew it was Erik.
Daigen stood over me with the handle of a wooden pail in his hand. “Feeling drained after your little tantrum?” He shook the pail and water sloshed within. “Good thing you emotionally exhausted yourself, I was afraid I was going to have to give you a bath.”
A loud squawk filled the air and the other raven—definitely Endre—flew toward Daigen with his talons out.
Daigen slammed the pail on the floor and shielded his face with his forearm. “I’m helping her, corpse reaver!”
I winced as Endre’s talons sank into his skin, but Daigen did not even blink as he lowered his arm to bring Endre to eye level. “I am helping. ”
Endre lowered his head and made a low sound like a growl. Erik croaked and Endre turned his head and croaked back.
Were they…talking to each other?
“I was going to let her find you, you didn’t have to interrupt me!” Daigen said to Endre.
Endre hissed, but lowered his hackles and released his grip on Daigen’s arm.
He fluttered to the floor and nuzzled his feathered head against my palm. I could not believe Endre was in front of me, touching me, and being playfully affectionate again.
I snapped my eyes up to Daigen. “Change them back!”
“Can’t.” Daigen moved his index finger over his sleeve—his wounds from Endre’s talons had healed and he was stitching the torn wool back together with invisible magic. “It’s easy to convince the magic to turn men into animals, since…well, most men are animals, but the other way around? I would have to know who they were as people to make them people again.”
My heart fluttered. I knew who they were!
I placed my hand on Endre’s smooth feathers and shut my eyes, focusing on the tiny bits of magic in his body that sparkled in my mind’s eye.
Instead of letting rage fuel my power, I focused on memories of dark wavy hair and calloused hands. A dented dueling sword. Rude jokes our parents hated.
My whisper skated over my lips. “ Please. Please come back.”
The tips of my fingers tingled, but I opened my eyes and only found the shining black eyes of a bird staring back at me, not Endre’s mossy green ones.
I huffed. Maybe Endre was just being stubborn. Typical.
I focused on Erik. I centered myself on the memories of his scolding voice as I snuck away from the manor past sunset, his charcoal sketches of the cat that lived in the kitchen, and him drawing my blankets over my shoulders on cold nights.
But my magic refused to cooperate.
I threw down my hands with a scream through my clenched teeth. “Nothing is happening!”
“Your flame is different from mine.” Daigen lowered his arm with the perfectly-repaired sleeve. “You don’t have the affinity for transformation, but you’ll develop the skill eventually.”
My heart sank as I looked from brother to brother. What did eventually mean? Would it be years before I heard their voices? Felt their arms around me? Laughed with them?
Tears lined my eyes as I drew my knees into my chest. It was like losing them all over again. Was love just something I could not have? Would it always loom just out of reach like an apple on a tall branch?
I looked up at Daigen, searching his violet eyes for an answer but finding none.
“I know you might hate me for it but…” Daigen sighed and his face softened. “What Ganora does to the people the giants carry through the pass…no one deserves it. At the first battle, I had nearly exhausted myself turning boy after boy into rabbits or what-have-you as soon as the fog from the pass hit their faces. But when I saw those Ravenwood green capes around their necks, it was very easy to convince the magic in their bodies that they would be better off as ravens than have their bones decorate Ganora’s crown.”
Endre dipped his head low and hissed.
Daigen pointed at Endre. “ You had damn near crossed over when I saved you! Your inner self was begging for help. Death had almost taken you and you’re still bitter—”
“Stop it!” My flame awoke again. I gritted my teeth and held onto the burn as my heart raced.
Then, like a cool breeze, a thought wisped to the front of my mind.
My brothers were alive. They might not be as I wanted them…but they were alive.
The small amount of energy that fueled my white flame sapped like I had sprung a leak at the base of my spine. A calm breath escaped my lips as I opened my eyes.
Daigen loosened the crystal from the vise in the pile of ash. The crystal had stopped glowing and had returned to its normal, deep blue hue.
The crystal disappeared into his palm and he lowered onto his haunches to look me in the face. “I heard your mind, Litlnadr —you’ve shut out your emotions for years. You’re about to feel the harsh intensity of everything you’ve suppressed now that you’re getting in tune with your magic. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but you have to face it if you’re going to get what you want.”
I did not want to face anything. I just wanted…
I bit back a scream of frustration. I still did not know what I wanted other than to punch Daigen between the eyes.
Without my anger, my heart floated in a dark chasm. Directionless.
I looked up at Daigen as Erik and Endre rested at my knees. “I just want to know where to go from here.”
Daigen pressed his finger in the center of my chest, right over the sparkling diamond the Man of the Mountain had placed in my heart. “Since your heart’s desire guides your magic, I can’t tell you what to do.”
I wrinkled my nose. Heart’s desire? That sounded like faerie story nonsense.
Daigen’s violet eyes gleamed and he tapped the space between my eyebrows. “I can’t lead your mind because your heart has to be in the right place. You have to emotionally arrive at the right conclusion every time. That’s why I make you figure out the answers.”
I clenched my teeth, holding back all the questions that spun in the back of my mind. How was I supposed to trust in a monster, believe in faerie story nonsense, and feel my emotions? How would any of that release Fraleigh from the Hytons? How would that free Riyan from Ganora’s threat of oblivion?
What had happened to the careful woman who counted her breaths and waited until the perfect opportunity to strike? Each passing moment was unpredictable as lightning and Daigen was trying to drag me into a world where fickle emotion made the rules.
Daigen sighed and his face softened. “Trusting people has not been easy for you, I know. That’s why I have something tangible for you to lean on.”
My skin crawled. I hated how he could read me so well. I felt too seen.
My eyes flicked down to Daigen’s hands as he pried a smooth onyx gem out of…my choker?
My hands flew to my neck and felt bare skin. How had he—?
He laughed. “I told you, I’m famous for my tricks.”
With a quick shift of his hands, he deftly replaced the onyx stone with what had to be the Nordingaard crystal in his hand. He pulled the ribbon of the choker tight as he held it up.
My breath caught in my throat. What was once a rough stone was cut into a heart and secured in the center of the choker. The crystal threw firelight through its smooth facets, making spots of green and blue light dance around the room. Had I not known any different, I would have mistaken the collection of hardened magical tears for a normal, yet beautiful, gem.
“Told you I was going to make it useful.” He slid his hands behind my hair and tied the choker so the crystal was flush against my neck. “Any time this crystal glows, you have found your heart’s desire and are ready to bend reality to get it.”
My fingers traced the smooth edge of the crystal. I looked down at Erik and Endre, who kept their black eyes on me.
I nearly looked away in shame. “I am so sorry. I am sorry I cannot—”
Endre hopped on top of my knee and butted his head against my chest. His wings fluttered as he looked up at me. “ Se-ra…love…you. ”
I sniffed and let a little smile bloom on my lips. Erik fluttered up to perch on my shoulder. He preened a few wisps of hair away from my temple. He was never one to dispense verbal affection, but he delivered the sentiment all the same.
I gently ran my fingertips down Erik’s glossy back, then Endre’s. Having some of them was better than none at all.
Daigen picked up his pail and walked to the fire in the hearth, which was losing its azure hue by the second. “If you have had enough of your little reunion, I have a reunion of my own that I need to get to.”
Endre perched on my available shoulder as I slowly rose from the floor.
“I had no idea an immortal could be so impatient,” I said.
Daigen tossed me a sly glance. “And I had no idea a sorceress could be so difficult.”
He tipped the pail and doused the fire. I furrowed my brows.
Daigen glanced at my face and set the pail down with a clatter. “I already had to explain how water works, do I have to explain how heat works too?” He walked toward the pile of ash that was once his table. “Fire burns away all the moisture in the air around it, meaning there are too few tears around most flames for you to manipulate. Anything more than a candle is going to require normal mortal tools to snuff out.”
How inconvenient.
He plucked Reginbani out of the pile of ash and slid it back into the scabbard at his hip. He pulled a pair of pants and a dusty pair of boots out of a cupboard and shoved them on.
Daigen finished the last knot on his boot and stood up. “Well, Baron, we’d best be leaving. There is a scared little girl at the fortress who just lost her parents and is needing some help.”
My stomach dropped. Astrid. Nikkolas and Hilda Bloodstone had died more than three days ago. Poor Astrid was lost and confused on a normal day, how was she faring now that she was completely alone?
The bigger question, however, was why did Daigen want to go to her? Hilda had told me Daigen had cut Riyan free from his mother’s womb, so he had appeared when Astrid was in peril at least once.
Did that mean she was in worse distress than I feared?
My hand slowly slid into the pocket of my skirt. I traced the threads of the three flowers embroidered into a scrap of linen, each one representing a promise I had made Riyan before he left.
Take care of Astrid. Take care of the North. Try to be happy.
I let out a breath. Even though I felt like I was failing Riyan with every passing minute, I could at least keep my promises.
I pulled out the golden Bloodstone pin bearing the snarling bear and pinned it next to the Ravenwood pin that held my cape closed. If we were going to the fortress, might as well announce loud and clear that I was the North’s new Baron.
Daigen fastened a grey and green cloak around his shoulders. He held the door open for me as I stepped into the night.
Erik croaked in my left ear just as I was about to take my second step. I looked down and my heart leaped as my foot dangled in the air over the ledge.
I froze. Erik and Endre fluttered their wings against my hair as I almost took one step too many. The space outside the door could not have been more than six inches long—perfect for a sorcerer with hooves of a mountain goat, but not for a person! “The hell—?”
“Thought you were going to rely on me to get everywhere?” Daigen said. “This is another exercise in trust. You are going to trust in your magic to get back to the fortress and I am going to trust that you will not fall to your death.”
Endre hissed and raised his hackles. I bit my tongue and was foolish enough to glance down. I could not even see how far up I was from the ground.
I turned around. Daigen leaned against the doorframe with his arms folded across his chest.
I could have punched him. “If I die, you will never get what you lost from the Hytons.”
Daigen’s smirk disappeared. His cheek twitched in his silence, as if he were carefully considering what he was going to say next.
Finally his eyes gleamed and he smiled. “I’m glad you finally figured out that I need you just as much as you need me, but the Man of the Mountain gave you the gift of sorcery for a reason. If you don’t use your magic, you might as well sit next to Fraleigh at the feet of Duke Hyton’s throne.”
I huffed. “Duke Hyton cannot own me. I am a Baron!”
“Such silly mortals, inventing titles that mean nothing.” Daigen straightened his spine. “Oh, you are a Baron? Allow me to cower in the presence of your golden pins! How is that going to stop the unyielding leader of the Hytons? Or his army?”
I furrowed my brows. “I have my own army! Bloodstone has dozens of soldiers—”
“And Duke Hyton has Fraleigh.” Daigen’s eyes turned deadly.
I swallowed. The Dukedom did not kneel to the Great Sorceress of Nordingaard out of mere respect. If the legends were true, Fraleigh could wipe out the Bloodstone army with just a sweep of her arm.
And if Fraleigh was truly that powerful, how could the Hytons have enslaved her in the first place? Nothing was adding up.
“You really think an army of mortals would make any difference when an army of giants couldn’t?” Daigen said. “If you have any hope of freeing the prisoner in the golden palace, your magic has to get stronger than this.”
I was starving for answers and Daigen was only feeding me crumbs. It went against every instinct I had, but if I were going to save Riyan, all I could do was follow each order blindly…
…even if it meant stepping off the edge of a cliff.
I let out a breath and tried to wake the white flame around my heart. I raised my hands and took a deep breath, trying not to shiver as I closed my eyes.
The tears sparkled like tiny beads in the air all around me. I could sense them even farther than my eyes could see. They were in the trees below the ledge. They frosted the rocks beneath my feet. I even sensed them inside the goats further up the craggy rocks.
Each tear vibrated softly. Waiting. Listening for my next command.
I closed my eyes and took in a breath, letting a few tears into my chest. Then I let them out slowly.
The crystal radiated warmth against my neck. The flame around my heart lit up with a calm, quiet energy.
Daigen’s voice, smooth as ice over a pond, appeared behind me. “What do you want, Litlnadr? ”
I took in a breath again, and I smelled the faint scent of Riyan that lingered on my cape. Nectar and wheat. Lilies and sunshine. Jam-filled buns and moonlit dancing. A comb through my hair. An arm to snuggle against. A broken bed and a mended heart.
Each memory was comforting, but tainted. How much of my memory was influenced by Fraleigh’s enchantment and how much of it was real?
I let out a cool breath. “I want to know what was real.”
Warmth pressed against my neck—my Nordingaard crystal was glowing. I had found my heart’s desire.
Daigen’s hand rested gently on my back. Wings ruffled against my hair on both sides.
“Then go to the fortress,” he said.
I let out a breath and took a step off the ledge. Wind screamed around me and my eyes popped open.
My magic had failed. I was falling.