22. Twenty-two
Ineed to talk to Knox. He deserves the truth, no matter how badly I want to keep it to myself. And something tells me he has his own truths he needs to get off his chest after our last phone call.
When he rings the doorbell mid-afternoon, I’ve already worked myself into a bit of a mess, which translates to having stress-baked three completely unnecessary desserts. What I need with chocolate chip cookies, angel food cake with strawberries and fresh whipped cream, and cinnamon streusel coffee cake, I don’t know, but my hands needed something to do while I waited after texting Knox and asking him to stop by.
I’ve also taken tripod photos of myself with chocolate streaked across my cheek, licking whipped cream off my fingers and lips, holding a handful of cake while leaning on the island topless surrounded by the desserts that strategically, and just barely, covered my tits. I posted one to Instagram with a caption that read sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what good girls are made of, but bad girls will eat you whole before bolting out of the app and letting Alicia deal with the engagement numbers, which have been astronomical.
She’s been positively thrilled, and book sales have continued to increase, so whatever reason I’ve been drawn to post these damn thirst traps, they’re obviously working for me. Yesterday, she said Food Wine Magazine had called me the sexy, foulmouthed Ina Garten in their latest write-up on my book, and I had beamed in pride. Ina Garten is my idol. I just need a bunch of gay friends to host for boozy lunches now.
“Hey,” I say, smiling when I open the door and let Knox in.
“Hey,” he replies, a nervous smile on his face. “Too early for the little man to be home. Is your mom here?” he asks, shrugging out of his jacket and setting it on the edge of the couch before he settles himself next to where I’m already sitting cross-legged and twisting my hands.
“She’s out for the afternoon. It’s just us. I thought we could use some time to catch up. There’s been a lot going on lately. Do you want anything to eat? I was stress baking today.”
He smiles, warmth infusing his face as he raises an eyebrow at me. “I saw that. You really know how to hook your audience. I’m good, though.” Knox runs a hand along his buzzed head and blows out a breath as the humor retreats. “Why does this feel so serious and weird? We’re cool, Harley. No matter what’s going on.”
I look down at my hands and still their movement before launching into what has been haunting me. “Zander Olsen is Hendricks’s father, and he wants to know his son.”
I cringe. The words come out in a rush like I’ve ripped the tape off of a cracked pipe and it decided to burst. That wasn’t what I’d planned to say. I made notes and practiced how to segue from one topic to another while I was baking. I was going to ask about his life lately, talk about how I’ve missed hanging out, and then gradually lead into the Atlanta Haute List speculation and all the nosy as fuck people that popped up wanting to know my business.
Knox saves me from having to explain. “I thought that might be what you wanted to talk about. You know you don’t have to tell me, or anyone else, every little bit of your life, right? It doesn’t matter if every gossip site and people you don’t know are asking. You don’t owe it to anyone if you’d rather keep it to yourself.”
“I know that, I do. It’s just… you deserve to know, since, well, we’re in this,” I say, gesturing between us at whatever we are.
I keep telling myself I have a boyfriend, since that’s the easiest way to label what Knox and I are trying, no matter how platonic it sometimes feels. Yet, I can’t bring myself to call it a relationship when it matters. It’s more of a situationship, I guess.
“I think Zander will be coming around here more. I wanted you to know before you saw some headline or read whatever the gossip sites are saying about me, or us.”
“Do you have feelings for him?” Knox asks softly. He’s staring down at his clasped hands, and he radiates calm, when I expected something more furious. I thought there’d be crazy accusations and demands from him to never see Zander again, because it was too much of a betrayal of our situationship.
“What? No! Of course not! There’s no way anyone can develop feelings for a man who chooses not to stick around longer than necessary,” I say in a rush, feeling guilt wash over me. He didn’t accuse me of anything, yet I feel like I’ve crossed a line already. I’ve let Zander too close. Whether or not I intended to, I’ve enjoyed every one of the small touches he’s given me. And he kissed me. It’s as good as cheating and I should really come clean to Knox now, no matter what happens.
He holds his hands out in front of him, a gentle smile on his face. “Hey, It’s okay if you do. It’s okay if you want him even now, no matter your history. He’s the father of your child. That’s a unique bond you will always share with him, whether you like it or not. There will forever be something tying you together, keeping you in each other’s orbits. That’s pretty fucking hard to compete with, actually.”
How Knox can hit the exact sentiment on the head is astonishing, but also why I gravitated toward him to begin with. I shake my head.
“God, Knox, this isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go at all. I just wanted to tell you about Zander. We didn”t even date. We spent two weeks together on a trip and then he shut me out of his life completely. It was over before it ever started, but I got Hendricks out of it. It’s complicated. I never wanted him to learn about Hendricks after the way we left things, but now Zander knows and he’s insisting on getting to know Hendricks.”
“As is his right, but only if you allow it. You have raised that little boy for four years all by yourself. You have protected him, nurtured him, and turned him into a cool as fuck kid. There is no denying you can do this on your own.” He takes my hand in his, his thumb brushing gently over my knuckles. “But you don’t have to do it on your own, not if you don’t want to. And if he’s here, wanting to make the effort, I think it’s worth letting him in.”
“What are you saying?” My brows knit together as I study Knox, trying to parse out his thoughts, his motivations.
He’s not at all angry or even a little bit jealous. He’s taking it way too easily for hearing that his sort of girlfriend’s sort of ex is back in the picture and will be close to her. Where is the rage? The touch her and die vibes? I know exactly how Zander would react if the roles were reversed, and I feel myself leaning toward his over-the-top alpha bullshit response than this quiet acceptance.
Indignation rises in me, and I feel myself getting worked up. Am I not worth fighting for? I’m a fucking catch and he should care more than this. I’m about to start pushing back when his soft response stops me dead in my tracks.
“I think Zander is a better match for you than I’ll ever be,” he says, as if he’s read my mind.
I blow out a frustrated breath and sit up straighter. “Knox, that isn’t—”
He shakes his head and silences my protests. “I haven’t exactly been honest about my intentions with you.”
I purse my lips in confusion and stare at him as he keeps his gaze down at where he still holds my hand gently in his much bigger palm. My quickly rising anger swirls in me with nowhere to go. I”m not exactly mad at him, I”m mad at a situation I”m creating in my head.
“I think I’m gay.”
The breath rushes out of me in a gasp. His admission hangs between us like the dropping bomb it is, and when the words finally click in my head, the explosion leaves me reeling.
“You’re… gay?” I ask, looking up into his worried face as my anger morphs into shock and, if I’m being honest, relief courses through me. “So, why are you dating me?”
“Because I didn’t want to admit what I secretly knew I was. I wanted to be normal. I wanted my teammates and the fans to see me with you and never question it. Because you’re cool as hell and I like spending time with you. There are a million reasons why I wanted to be around you, but it’s been me lying to myself, and wasting your time in the process.”
“Knox, no, this hasn’t been a waste of time,” I say in a rush, gathering his other hand in mine and yanking on them both so he’ll meet my eyes. “You have been so good to me and Hendricks. You’ve been patient, kind, and so respectful.” I pause and look at him with new eyes, seeing every interaction we’ve had through the lens of this information. “Though, now I know why you didn’t want to sleep with me, and thank fuck because I was developing a complex thinking that I didn”t have any sex appeal now that I’m a mom and look different from when I was modeling. Knowing I have the wrong parts to get you off makes me feel a hell of a lot better about it, actually.” We both break into laughter, and just like that, the tension that was hanging thick around us mists away.
“Fuck, thank you for making me laugh. This has been weighing on me far too long, and I think I got too worked up about how to tell you and not make you hate me.”
“I could never hate you, not for this,” I tell him. “You don’t get to choose who you’re attracted to and love. It’s just wonderful that you get to find love at all, and I hope you’ll look for it where you actually want to, now.”
“Well, I did sort of lead you on and take up the last few months of your free time with a really slow build-up to nothing, so I was prepared for the worst.”
I laugh, but I can see why he was worried. We both have things we need to come clean about. And now it’s my turn. “Zander kissed me,” I say cautiously, feeling an uncharacteristic blush steal up my face until it’s hot.
“That man looks like he can kiss the hell out of anyone. Fuck, I bet he’d turn half my teammates if he really put some effort into it. How was it?” Knox looks up shyly, and I glimpse the real him staring out at me from his deep espresso eyes for the first time. He’s vulnerable, but doing his best to let me in, and it opens my heart to him even more.
I think back to that first night Zander showed up at my house and had me play bartender for him while he worked through his work crises and whatever reasons had driven him to my doorstep. When he kissed me so gently, then said some of the most vicious words he could, I was left reeling.
“We were fighting. He just showed up at my house asking why we’d been suddenly thrown back together and why I hadn”t told him about Hendricks. I told him I didn’t owe him any explanations after he cut off all communication and ghosted me. It wasn’t like either of us planned for a kiss to happen. One second we were arguing, and the next he had me in his arms, kissing me so fucking softly I didn’t even think to stop him. When I called him out on it, he reminded me what hadn’t been on the table and why I shouldn’t have wanted him after. It was… confusing.”
Knox whistles. “He’s all up in your head, Harley, damn!”
I close my eyes in pain and lift my hand to stop him. “Okay, if we’re going to be gay besties now, you have to stop calling me Harley. I have much better nicknames than a fucking mid-life crisis motorcycle manufacturer or a psychotic clown-loving baddie bitch. Pick anything else.”
Knox leans his head back and laughs so hard he shakes the couch. “Why didn’t you say something earlier? I wouldn’t have called you that if I knew you didn’t like it.”
“I didn”t have the heart when we were kind of dating. Now that you’re out with me and I’m not trying to get you in my bed, you’re getting everything unfiltered.”
“Fine.” Knox laughs again. “What would you prefer I called you?”
“My friends call me Lolo. I’d like you to be my friend.”
“Friends is good. Since that’s out of the way, Lolo,” he says, emphasizing the nickname before he continues. “Why is Zander Olsen fucking with your head now after, what, five years? He has the audacity to kiss you and then tell you that you shouldn’t expect anything from him? Do I need to crack his head open?” He squeezes his massive fist until his knuckles pop ominously and gives me a look that tells me he would, if I asked him to.
I shake my head, but smile appreciatively. “I think Zander is confused by his own feelings, and it’s messing with me,” I answer, leaning back into the comfy couch cushion and blowing out a breath. “I don”t know how to feel, or what to expect. He’s so intense. One second, he’s pushing me away, saying he blocked all contact because he never promised more, the next he’s showing up wanting to know about Hendricks and, like, woo me, or something.”
“Wait, I have to follow this up before you continue. Woo you? Do men know how to woo women in this century? That sounds like a romance novel, but, like, the ones from back in the day when they had Fabio on the cover. All shirtless dudes and fainting women with heaving bosoms.”
“What do you know about romance novels, football player?” I ask, narrowing my eyes and wondering if I’m going to get to know the real Knox Contraire, reading habits and all.
He gives me a sheepish grin and rubs the back of his neck. “Truth? My mom loved those damn books. She would come home from the grocery store each week with a new paperback and leave them around the house. Even at a young age, I was interested in the dudes on the covers, so I would pick them up from time to time and read a few chapters, looking for the sex. Whatever was in those books was hot as hell when I was twelve.”
“Oh my God, you’re not kidding!” I say, leaning forward and grasping his arm. “I loved my mom’s V.C. Andrews books when I was in my teens. Those were some messed up stories, though. Locking kids in attics, the brothers falling in love with their sisters. But the new romance authors putting stuff out now?” I purse my lips like I’m eating spicy food and fan my face. “It’s even better. No closed-door bullshit. They tell you everything that is going down, from the intimate noises to what is going where and how the characters feel. It’s hot.”
“I wouldn’t be opposed to borrowing some books,” Knox says, laughing.
“I have a bunch that are male-male, too,” I tell him, raising my eyebrows. “You don”t have to read just straight romance to get your kicks anymore.”
“No shit?” he says, his eyes widening and a look of genuine interest crossing his face. “They make gay romance novels now?”
I nod enthusiastically. “In whatever flavor you’re into, whether it’s vanilla or something kinkier. But they’re usually love stories at heart, no matter who the characters are or what they”re doing. I love them. I’ll get you an e-reader and a list of titles you may like to download.”
“I think that’s the nicest thing someone has ever promised.” He puts his hand on his chest and stares at me with true feeling. “You know, I think I like us even better this way. Thank you for making my first time coming out to someone so… easy. It’s made the idea of telling my family a little less nauseating.”
“Thank you for being your authentic self with me, even though you were scared of telling me. I like us this way, too.”
He gives me a shy look before he moves his gaze away. “Will you still be my date to galas and events? I don’t think I’m quite ready to come out to the world.”
“Knox, I’d do anything for you, short of something that could get me thrown in jail because I have a kid who needs me here. Being your date to a gala would be totally fine.”
“Good, because there’s one this Saturday I’ve been asked to speak at, and I’d like you to come with me.”
“You’ve got yourself a date.”