29. Twenty-nine
“Harlowe, I have the best news for you. Are you sitting down?” Alicia asks over the phone as soon as I answer.
“I’m driving Hendricks to school, so technically, I’m sitting in the car.” I glance in the rearview mirror and see Hendricks is busy with his toys and isn”t paying any attention to the conversation playing over the car speakers.
“That’s good enough, but do not crash your car so soon after getting it repaired.” She barely pauses for any sort of response from me before continuing on in an excited rush. “You’re on the freaking New York Times Bestseller list. With a cookbook! That’s the kind of thing people like Martha Stewart and Ina Garten do, and look at you, right up there with half of your Mount Rushmore of cooking icons.”
“Shut up,” I say on a forced exhale as the news hits me square in the stomach. “My book? It”s a bestseller?” This doesn”t feel real. I must be dreaming, or I didn’t hear her correctly.
“Yes! Your amazing cookbook, the one we have worked on for years. At Home With Harlowe: A Foulmouthed Foodie’s Guide To Eating Well is a mother-effing bestseller. You did it, babe!”
She lets out an excited squeal and I can”t help joining her. “I can”t believe it. I never expected to see my book rank highly, let alone get onto a bestseller list. This is insane.”
“It is so well deserved. You did this. Your recipes, your personality, the way you can connect with an audience. It all came together to make something truly special, and I’m so proud of you,” she says, gushing more than usual and being my biggest hype woman, in addition to my normally very focused manager.
“Thank you. Oh, my God, this is surreal!” My voice wobbles with the effort to not burst into happy tears. I was too afraid to hope for my book to be a bestseller out of fear that the opposite would happen, that I wouldn’t sell a single copy and my dreams would be fruitless, left smashed sadly under the feet of uninterested people.
“But that’s not even the best part. The Gourmet Network called and they want to shoot a pilot for a new cooking show based on At Home With Harlowe! They love the Foulmouthed Foodie social media side of things with your thirst traps and want to do something a little racier to hit a new demographic for their streaming service. Like spice it up in the kitchen or something. We have time to pitch ideas, but they absolutely love you.”
My heart leaps even more as I learn that the authentic, strong, brazen parts of me that I have completely embraced and shared with the world are what have attracted this new opportunity my way. It doesn”t feel possible, real even, that the parts of me that I once hid and shied away from are now making my dreams come true. “I think I’m going to throw up. Not in my wildest dreams did I even expect this.”
“This is an incredible accomplishment, sweetie, and you deserve to revel in it. Please go out and celebrate. I wish I was there because I would absolutely take you out and treat you to everything your little heart desires to really make sure you mark this momentous occasion. Oh, I have another call. Love you, babe. I”m so proud of you!”
Alicia ends the call and leaves me dazed as I pull up to Hendricks’s school without remembering how I got there. The drop-off is quick because Hendricks is always excited to go to school, so I am quickly left with my thoughts and feelings. Enough people are buying my little cookbook to make me a bestseller. Not only that, The Gourmet Network wants to shoot a pilot for a new show with me. What is this life? It’s better than any dream I could have had for this book release and my future, and I want to follow Alicia’s advice, because she’s never steered me wrong. She said to celebrate, and that’s just what I plan to do.
Mom was happy to watch Hendricks and Paloma was down to celebrate with me, but Callie couldn’t make it, so just the two of us are at some place downtown that Callie recommended when I called to tell her the good news. We’re enjoying delicious overpriced cocktails and nibbling on several of the appetizers now.
“How many books do you have to sell to make you a bestseller?” Paloma asks, taking a sip of her purple-tinted concoction with a pretty orchid adorning the rim.
I swirl the straw in my own cocktail, a pink drink with a plumeria flower on the side. “I have no idea, but I would assume a lot. Alicia didn’t tell me the number, only that I’d made the list.”
“That’s incredible. And an option for your own cooking show! God, Lolo, that’s so cool. I knew you’d do well because you have so much talent and your food is amazing, but it’s one of those things you can’t really expect and just have to hope for the best with, you know?”
I do know. It’s exactly how I feel. I pluck the flower out of my drink and twirl it in my fingers close to my nose, inhaling the heady floral scent. “The last time I saw plumerias was in the Maldives.” The with Zander part of the statement is left unspoken. I tuck the bloom into my hair by my ear, remembering when the flowers were stuck to my skin after the bath that changed my life and had me falling in love with a liar.
“How are you feeling about Zander coming back around and wanting to be a part of your life?” Well, I guess it won’t stay unspoken on her end.
“He wants to be a part of Hendricks’s life,” I amend.
“Babe, you’re usually so good about not lying to yourself. You’re making me take your place tonight? Fine, tough love best friend it is.” She downs the rest of her drink and levels me with her hazel eyes. “That man is after you like a hound on a fox, and if you want to tell yourself this bland little story that he’s just wanting to get to know your son, that’s doing the situation a disservice. He. Wants. You,” she says, flourishing her empty glass.
“He’s had me. He doesn’t do repeats. Whatever has brought him back into my life is motivated by Hendricks, and maybe seeing me, kissing me, touching me, is just a ploy on his part to make sure I allow it to happen. There’s no way he wants anything serious enough to actually try to have a relationship with me beyond that. It’s not in his nature.”
It’s hard to trust Zander’s motives now when he’s shown me how effective he is at promising forever and then yanking it away when I give in completely. Even last week at the gala when I gave in to that kiss with him that felt so damn good and he promised to earn my heart, I still wasn”t sure if it was because he saw me there with Knox and was jealous, or if he really meant it.
“Do you actually know that, though? He has a one-track history when it comes to dating. Maybe he wants to try something different.”
Her defense of Zander is a surprise. She’s normally very much in the anti-Zander camp, given what went down between us. Maybe telling her Knox and I decided to just be friends instead of dating gave her the idea that I want something more with Zander. Which…I may be warming up to. Like, a lot. Seeing him with Hendricks broke down so many of the walls I have up against him. It may have melted the ice, but it’s still hard to trust him with my heart after he shredded it once before.
“I think you mean his nonexistent dating history,” I say before taking a drink to remedy the flustered feeling that is rising in my chest. I ground myself in reality rather than give in to a fantasy daydream that may or may not be manifesting in my head. “You can’t count hookups as dating, no matter how many of them he has.”
Paloma scoffs and signals for the waiter to refill our drinks. “Didn’t he say he wanted a second chance with you? That he wants to try this? That’s huge from a confirmed fuckboy.” I’m beginning to see the downside of sharing everything with her. She has no issue using the information against me when it suits her. I glare at her, but it lacks my usual force.
“That’s the thing. I don’t want to try something with him without knowing he’d be committing fully to it. I let him meet Hendricks. He’s now inextricably connected to me and my son, and if we did try out a relationship and he decided it wasn”t for him, I would still have to see him, interact with him, watch him with Hendricks, whether I wanted that or not. It would absolutely crush me to see him and know he was going home to fuck another woman. Why would I even give myself the opportunity to feel like that?”
Saying the thoughts out loud hurts more than I thought it would, but they deserve to be spoken, as this is the reason I’m holding myself back from him now. I know the devastation he’s more than capable of, even after seeming so sincere.
“For the very real chance it could lead somewhere even better than you could imagine. I know I‘ve said some shitty things about him in the past, because what he did was shitty, but I also believe in second chances and people realizing the error of their ways. Or, I will if that’s what this is. You’re seriously hot, talented, smart, funny, and a total catch. I’m surprised you don’t have even more men falling at your feet asking for a chance with you. It doesn’t shock me in the least that Zander is trying to get your attention again now.”
“The timing is the hardest part to believe. Zander could have come around at any point in the last five years, yet it took seeing a story about me with another guy and my kid for him to reappear wanting answers and second chances. What’s his motivation? Is it that he has a kid, or that I was seen with someone else?”
Paloma studies me as she drags a finger through the sugar on the rim of her empty glass. “Well, you’re not with anyone now. And most guys wouldn’t come within a ten-mile radius of any potential children, yet there he was when it was made public. That speaks volumes to me.”
Our server appears with our drinks and gives me a minute to think about Paloma’s reasoning. The fact that Zander chose to come back into my life after learning about the possibility he had a kid is telling. She may have a point.
“Are you on Alicia and Mom’s side now?” I ask, taking a grateful sip of my pink paradise in a glass.
“Do they want you to see what happens with Zander?” she asks, lifting her drink and sipping.
“Definitely. Mom has slightly higher stakes, but they’re strongly team Zander.”
“What did you want the most when you got back from your trip with him?” she asks, leveling me with a look that lets me know she’s about to dish out some especially tough love, and I’m not going to enjoy this part.
“I wanted him to talk to me instead of ghosting me.”
“That’s not all, and you know it. You wanted a relationship with him. You wanted to be the one who changed him for good, no matter what he told you about his intentions. He’s offering that now, isn”t he?”
“I don’t know what he’s offering, really. I”m not even sure he knows. It’s such a foreign concept for him I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s completely winging it just to see if he can.”
“Why are you such a cynic all of a sudden? Normally, you’d be willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt and would take it at face value. Is it because he broke your heart before?”
“This is Zander, I’m allowed to be cynical about him,” I say, catching the note of defensiveness lacing my tone.
She tsks and shakes her head at me. “I was there, remember? I held you when you were falling apart. I know you were heartbroken. You wanted something more with the man and were devastated when you couldn’t get a hold of him after your holiday, and then even more so when you found out you were pregnant. It took a while for you to be okay not having him in your life, and I think that happened because you were mad and wanted to prove you could do it on your own to spite him.”
“Okay, I’m a spiteful wretch who doesn”t trust the guy now.”
I drain what remains in my glass and feel the warmth of the alcohol seeping into my blood and radiating out from my stomach. I don”t have the heart to fight with her or continue lying to myself on this. I’m usually truthful to a fault, but it’s hard on this one topic tonight. I don”t think I have the fight in me at all when it comes to Zander.
She’s right. I wanted this effort from him so badly five years ago. I wanted him to say everything he’s saying now, just back then. I’ve had five years to harden my heart against him, but it doesn”t change what I wanted to hear all along, or that it lights up a part of my heart to have him saying it even now.
“Fine, you know it all bitch. I’ll give him a chance. And hey, maybe I’ll even get something fun out of it. I could finally get fucked properly for the first time in forever before it all comes crashing down on my head.”
“That’s my girl. Get that good dick, no matter what it costs.” Paloma grins at me, and I burst into tipsy giggles.
“God, what I would do for that right now,” I admit on a groan. My phone vibrates next to my hand on the table and I look down out of habit. Zander’s name flashes across the screen. “Damn, if it isn’t trouble calling. It’s like he knew I was talking about fucking him with this timing.”
“Well, you better answer when the dick is making itself available like that. And I’ll support you, no matter what you decide to do. I could still carve his eyes out for how he treated you, even if he fucks you like a champ. This is your life, Lolo. If you really want Zander, even a little bit, give him a chance and see what he’s like off that island, in the real world, now.”