Chapter 47.
‘So, it turns out you were right all along. I’m stupidly stubborn. I left it too late to see a doctor. I convinced myself it was IBS. I spent a fortune on antacids. I refused to even consider the fact it might be cancer. People kept saying it to me, and I just... didn’t listen.’
I can’t look at her face. I stare instead at the heightened outline of her clavicle. She’s thin, so thin. And tired, and entirely without appetite. She looks drained. Every movement is laboured.
How the hell did I miss this?
Because I was too busy thinking about Jamie to notice what was happening right in front of me.
‘But . . . I thought . . . I thought it was your mum who was ill.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. It was just easier to let you assume... until we could have this conversation. Until you were ready to hear about Jamie – and really hear it, without your mind being clouded by my news.’
I think about the diet I’ve been so convinced she was on. ‘But you said you were detoxing... Were those pills—’
‘Digestive enzymes.’
‘But . . . Felix took them too.’
‘His were vitamins. He’s been doing that lately... if I’m not quite ready to tell people.’
‘This can’t be happening. It isn’t fair. It isn’t...’ But I trail off, my thoughts by now a waterfall, far too fast to grip onto.
Lara lets out a shallow laugh which turns quickly into a cough. ‘I think Jamie’s dad might disagree with you there. He’d say this was karmic justice or something, I’m sure.’
‘You know that’s not how cancer works, Lar,’ I whisper fiercely, squeezing the tiny mass of her hand in mine, feeling a fresh bloom of anger towards Chris for his lifelong commitment to being a complete arsehole. ‘Let’s not mention Chris, or Jamie, or any of them, ever again, okay?’
She smiles softly. ‘Sounds good to me.’
A battle plan is already taking shape in my mind. ‘Okay. A second opinion. We’ll get a second opinion. I’ve got savings – you could go private.’
‘I’ve had three separate opinions,’ she says, calmly. ‘They all said the same thing.’
‘But have they exhausted every option? What about alternative therapies?’
‘Neve, listen.’ She quietens me with a squeeze of the hand. ‘It’s over. Okay? I’m dying. They told me in July I’d have about a year.’
But five months have passed since then. ‘July?’
She swallows. ‘Yeah. Actually... I found out a few days before you and Ash met Felix for the first time.’
To be told she knew she was dying that night on Tombland feels nothing short of devastating. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I wanted to sort everything out with you first. Because selfishly? I quite fancied spending some time being your friend again.’ She laughs softly. ‘The last few months have been bizarrely comforting. While I’ve been with you, I’ve been able to pretend... this isn’t actually happening.’
‘There must be something they can do.’
She shakes her head slowly. ‘The cancer’s too advanced. Surgery’s... not an option.’
I can hear nothing now but the scream inside my head as I revisit all the signs I’ve completely failed to register during the time I’ve spent with her lately. The skipped meals and booze forgone, the weight loss, her permanent lack of energy. How the hell did I miss this?
‘What about chemo?’
‘I’m not having chemo.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve said no to chemo.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Exactly that. I don’t want chemotherapy.’
‘What? Why?’
‘I watched my dad go through it, and Neve... it was grim. Look – if there’s a chance it could shrink the cancer or make it operable or save me, then it would absolutely be worth a shot. But they’re only talking about it extending my life by a few months.’
‘But I’m sure it would be worth—’
She shakes her head. ‘You’re going to have to trust me on this one. I’m dying. I’ve seen a lot of doctors and had a lot of tests. There’s nothing they can do.’
I choke back a sob. ‘Lara. No.’
She squeezes my hand again. ‘Listen. I’m going to California, to be with Felix.’
‘When?’
‘Soon. I’m going to spend my last months there with him, in the sunshine, overlooking the ocean.’ She smiles bravely. ‘Since I met him, it’s grown to be my absolute favourite place in the world. So, if I’ve got to die, then that’s the best way I can possibly imagine.’
‘You’re going . . . to California?’
She smiles. Unbelievably, there is light in her eyes. ‘He has incredible care lined up for me. Everything’s arranged. I love him so much, Neve. I just want to be with him, out there.’
‘And is . . .? Is your mum . . .?’
Lara shakes her head. ‘The trip would be too much for her. We’ve agreed to say our goodbyes here. In fact... that’s what I’m doing with everyone. Out there, it’s just going to be me and Felix. We’ve discussed it a lot, and that’s what I want.’
‘No, Lara, this is... This can’t be it. This can’t be happening.’ I start to cry. ‘I wish you’d told me. I’m so sorry. We’ve missed out on so much.’
‘I know we have. I’m sorry too.’
Through the window, a stripe of winter sunlight falls across her face. It affords her a glow that makes her look so pristinely radiant, I want to shake her with frustration. Because she can’t – she cannot – possibly be dying. I mean, yes – she looks very unwell, I have finally realised. But not as if she’s only got a few months left to live.
‘Hey, at least I’m sticking to my side of the pact.’
I frown, confused.
‘Don’t you remember? That holiday in Devon. We pinky-swore to never get old.’ She smiles wistfully, and I feel my heart fragment.
‘Yeah,’ I say, softly. ‘I remember.’
‘So, look, Neve. Can we... talk about the accident? Because I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I came back.’
‘It doesn’t matter any more,’ I say, through fresh tears. ‘I don’t care if I never think about that night again in my life.’
‘Okay. But let me just say this, because I’ve never said it to you before: you were right, that night. You were right, and I was too stubborn to listen, and now Jamie is dead. And whatever kind of guy he turned out to be, he didn’t deserve to die.’
‘The accident wasn’t your fault, Lar.’ I should have admitted this long before now. Because of course it is the truth. It always has been. But the strength of my love for Jamie would never let me see it.
‘No,’ she says, ‘but my attitude that night was horrible. And... I am sorry. Truly.’
I stare blankly at the POSITIVI-TEA mug, wondering how many teabags you get through if you’re diagnosed with terminal cancer. Hundreds? Thousands?
‘Ironic, isn’t it,’ she says. ‘That you turned out to be just as stubborn as me. Refusing to let the idea of Jamie go, all these years. Maybe that was why we were such good friends. We were more similar than even we realised.’
Our eyes meet, and my body floods with love for her.
‘Are you in pain?’ I ask, even as I’m thinking, Please say no .
‘Not right now. I’m on decent pain relief, and it’s working so far. And I’ve got options, if it gets worse. I haven’t hit the opioids yet. But, you know. My thermoregulation’s shot to bits. And my stomach’s a mess. I can’t digest food too well, obviously, hence the enzymes.’
I want to ask if she’s scared, but I don’t. Because of course she is. Who wouldn’t be – even someone as fearless as Lara?
‘So, listen. Neve. After I die, they’re going to fly me home... so my ashes can be buried next to Dad’s. It’s all arranged.’
I want to beg her to stop talking, tell her I can’t handle hearing this. That it’s all too crazy, too sad, too unbelievable.
But she’s being so brave – and she’s the one dying. The least I can do is be brave in return.
‘Everything’s sorted: the funeral and cremation, the whole thing. I didn’t want Mum to be burdened with any of it. And next Saturday... I’m having a living funeral, the night before I fly. We’re going to California the next day. Everyone’s coming. I want you to be there. I need you there, Neve.’
‘Next week?’ I stare at her. We’ve only got a week?
She smiles, but it is frail. ‘Well, everyone’s always at a loose end between Christmas and New Year, aren’t they? Thought my parting gift could be an extra party.’
Despite my best efforts, I start crying again. She can’t be dying. She just can’t be. She’s still so... alive. She’s smiling, forming sentences, ordering me about. This isn’t what dying looks like.
‘At my dad’s funeral,’ she says, ‘we all agreed how happy he’d have been to see his friends and family together in one room. How much he’d actually have enjoyed the day. So that’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to dose up on painkillers and do my best to have a lovely last afternoon with all my favourite people.’
A last afternoon . How unfathomably awful to know it.
‘Don’t be sad for me, Neve. I’m actually... incredibly lucky. A lot of people don’t get to die this way. With time to say goodbye. The best care at their fingertips. I’m fortunate, I really am.’
Trust Lara to find the upside of a terminal diagnosis.
‘If I have any regrets,’ she says, ‘it’s missing out on ten years of friendship with you.’
‘I regret that too.’ I am spilling tears now, struggling not to completely lose it. ‘And I will for the rest of my life.’
‘No. You need to listen to me now.’ Her blue eyes begin to blaze, more fierce than I have ever seen them. ‘I want you to take the years I had left and run with them, okay? Make it up with Ash. Grab love with both hands and don’t let go. It’s too late for me, but it isn’t for you. It’s your time now. Don’t waste another second.’