Chapter Thirty-Three
THE DAY brEAKS WHEN I finally find my way out of the tunnel.
In my half-delusional state, I hadn’t realized how close we are to the sloping outer edges of Macoby.
The hill leading to the outside world looms to the left, and on top of it, Macoby’s own set of gates.
Humanity and nature collide in a monstrous yet beautiful sight.
Late autumn grass blankets the hill surrounding the valley town, mustard yellow and corn silk.
How many ants, worms, and critters speckle the earth?
How many are alive, and how many have been turned?
And with Earth having so little time in its lifespan, why haven’t I made this world all that I can for myself?
The sweet, musty fragrance of my grandma’s rose perfume drifts through the air; Bunny’s childlike scent of Cheerios softens my skin.
She hasn’t had Cheerios in years, but I cannot detach my younger sister from the association.
Soon, she will be a teenager. Soon, she will see this terrible world as it is.
I will be by her side when that happens.
I eye the sniper guarding the Macoby gate.
The guards in Egal use crossbows. While I felt safe when I lived there, a veil hung over my eyes.
What would happen if a drove of zombies attacked like they did in Costco?
You can’t crossbow a hundred zombies. Is Chandler as ignorant as I was?
Is she blinded by what Jamie did to her family?
Or does she simply not care to protect her community?
I’m starting to think she never cared. That all she ever wanted was power.
In that case, Bunny and Grandma aren’t safe.
One’s disabled, and the other’s old. Chandler will use the physically strong citizens to do her bidding: the doughboys, the medboys, the builders. But she doesn’t need my family. I do.
At this point, I’m not confident that Chandler wouldn’t use Grandma and Bunny as lab rats. And even a tinge of uncertainty is enough for me. I’ve got to get them out of Egal.
“When are Anika and Sawyer set to complete the dig?” Greeley asks.
“What?” I ask, distracted by my tumbling thoughts.
“I’m sorry—let me rephrase that. How soon can we kick you back over to Egal for your imminent death?”
“Two weeks,” I say, my stomach curdling at the thought of going back into that tunnel . . . and picturing how narrow it may become. I’ll be a human sardine, but I’ll suck it up for my family’s sake. I’d squish myself into a can of King Oscar if I had to.
“Dear god.” Greeley gags. “We have to deal with you for another fourteen days?”
“You can count that high?”
Greeley lunges for me. “I ought to wring your neck right now.” I spin on my heel, but she grabs my arm. “Come on, you lug, we’re going fishing.”
“I thought you said we were going hunting?”
“Same difference.”
Not really? Also . . . “With Jasper.”
“Ugh, we’re losing daylight!”
“Greeley . . . the sun literally just came up.”
“You’re unbearable.”
“I’ll say.” I yank my arm away. Her eyes glitter with spite. I walk toward the general direction of Jasper’s house, toward the center of Macoby. I think. “I’m going to Jasper’s house. You don’t have to come.”
Greeley stomps by me. “Like you have any idea where you’re going, Blondie. I’ll lead the way.”
I NO LONGER HAVE A home in Egal, but I can’t call Jasper’s cottage home either, so when we reach the front door, I knock. Greeley stands next to me with her arms crossed, impatiently tapping her foot against the stone patio.
Tap tap tap tap.
No answer.
I rap a knuckle on the door again.
No answer.
I lift my hand to knock again, but Greeley bulldozes past me.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” She plows inside, screaming, “Ho, ho, ho, it’s me, Santa Claus!
” I shut the door behind me as Greeley plops onto the couch.
She cups her mouth and shouts, “Leaving the door unlocked now, Jas? Your shit’s mine now, tool! ”
Jasper emerges from his room, his hair mussed. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was sleeping.” He drags his gaze to me, sending a lightning bolt through my belly button. He waves as he moves to sit on the couch next to Greeley. “Hey,” he says, sinking into the worn cushions.
“Hey,” I whisper back.
“Well, isn’t this sweet?” Greeley leans back, stretching her arms across the back of the sofa. “A budding romance.”
I focus my eyes on the floor, heat rising to my ears. I realize I’m still standing by the door, twiddling my thumbs. Hands—what do I do with my hands again?
Jasper clears his throat. “Remind me why you’re here, Greeley?”
“To thorn myself into your side, of course.” She kicks off one shoe, then the other, and I’m shocked to find her socks are frog-patterned.
They dance as she wiggles her toes. “Now, while you’ve been disturbed with naked dreams of this one”—she nods at me—“we’ve been scouting out Miss Kota here’s suicide mission. ”
“I’ve been thinking about that.” Jasper runs a hand through his hair. His eyes explore mine, and I drown in their brown, melting void. Then he says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Greeley claps her hands together. “Oh shit—you actually do like her.”
“No,” he says. My shoulders deflate, but I pull them back up before they can notice. “Kota’s not capable of doing what we need. I’ve seen her out there, in the wild, and she’s not ready. I don’t think she’ll ever be.”
Greeley rubs her hands together, smirking like a goblin. “I knew drama would go down today. But I didn’t expect this. C’mon, give me specifics.”
Jasper stands up and steps toward me. “I saw you, Kota. I saw you walk into Walgreens two years ago. For what it’s worth, I thought you saw me, too.”
I gasp. The shock that sweeps through my core is obscured by an onslaught of memories. The day replays in my head like it only just happened. Sweat dripped down Bunny’s pale face as I carried her trembling body into the store. Her big eyes glazed over as she stared up at me.
Kotie, I don’t want to die.
“I didn’t see anything but my sick sister. Did you know the store was riddled with zombies? Did you hear our screams?”
I clench my fists, remembering the monstrous sound of that first zombie.
Grandma, Bunny, and I scrambled behind the pharmacy counter as its roar ripped through Walgreens.
I laid my sister down on the grimy vinyl floor while Grandma searched the shelves for insulin.
My hand quivered as it gripped my balisong.
I’d never killed a zombie before. My head told me I couldn’t, but my heart told me I must. I squared my shoulders, ready to lunge toward the encroaching zombie.
And then another one sprang up from the candy aisle. Another, from the hair dye aisle. Another. Another.
I stood frozen in terror. Grandma jabbed insulin into Bunny’s side. My feet were stuck in tar. I dropped my knife.
I couldn’t move.
Zombies stretched their decaying bodies over the pharmacy counter, brainless but motivated. It was only a matter of time.
I peered down at my family. Grandma looked resigned as she held her granddaughter. At least Bunny no longer appeared to be in pain. At least she would be held in her final moments. I told them both I was sorry for failing them.
The front door burst open. Peter strode inside, spotting us immediately. In the blink of an eye, it seemed, he killed every zombie in Walgreens.
Anger boils in my chest. “Where were you?” I ask Jasper. “You say you were there, but you let him save us. Why?”
Greeley asks, “Who?”
“Peter.” I grit my teeth.
Jasper recoils. “I entered through the back door, just a moment before Peter. He sprung into action, and I thought . . .” Jasper pauses. “I thought you’d have a better chance in Egal. I didn’t think you’d survive in Macoby.”
“Well,” I spit out. “I’m surviving now, aren’t I?”
My ears burn and my chest fills with fury so big I may burst. Jasper was the one person who believed in me.
The one person who made me feel strong, capable.
Now I can see that was a lie. He thinks I’m weak, just like everybody else.
He didn’t think I could survive in Macoby, and he doesn’t think I can complete the mission.
“You don’t think I’ll be able to find Garrett and Eagan? That I’m not smart enough—or strong enough?”
Jasper doesn’t answer. His face is stone.
“You’re wrong,” I tell Jasper. “I can—and I will—complete the mission.”
I curl my hands into fists and storm out of the house.
I slam the door behind me and sink to my knees on Jasper’s front porch.
My nose tingles but I refuse to let tears fall.
Grandma would tell me crying is a sign of strength, not weakness, but if I let just one tear fall, I’ll end up drowning the whole city.
So I pucker my lips, scrunch my nose, and—
Achoo!
Sniffling, I close my eyes and let the dewy smells and the trickling sounds of Jasper’s creek engulf me. The door creaks open behind me.
“Hey.” Jasper’s soft voice makes me clench my teeth, draws angry red steam out of my ears. His shoes scrape the concrete as he sits down. “Probably a bad time to offer you this . . .”
He pulls a Fig Newton out of his pocket. Where in god’s name did he get such a thing, and is it strawberry?
I snatch the bar out of his hands, rip it open, and shove the entire cookie down my throat.
“How’d you know?” I ask, mouth full of jammy deliciousness.
“Know what?”
“Strawberry’s my favorite.”
“I didn’t.” He smirks. “But I’ll file that away in case I come across a variety pack.”
I lick the corners of my mouth, catching stray crumbs. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Jasper says, something like relief spreading across his face. He clears his throat. “Are we okay, you and me?”
I turn away from him, unable to hold his searching gaze. Instead, I look down at my hands, noticing new calluses on my palms. I pick the dry skin away and fling it on the porch.
We’re not okay. The anger boiling in my chest has lowered to a simmer, but it’s been replaced by a wave of embarrassment and hurt.
I feel Jasper’s eyes on me, as though he is waiting for me to say something.
I focus on the lines of my palms, little maps etched on my skin.
Eventually, I’m ready to speak. “I see what you see. I’m a pitiful excuse for a survivor.
I let myself get captured, and I need constant help to stay alive.
I understand why you think I’m weak. I just hoped .
. .” I trail off, unable to get the words out.
“But my family’s lives are at stake. I couldn’t save them in Walgreens, but I can save them now.
” I turn to Jasper. “You have to know I’m willing to do anything to protect them.
I’m going to bring them here—and I’m going to be the person they need. ”
Jasper’s eyes light up. “You want to bring them here? To live?”
“Yes,” I say. “They deserve a better life.”
Jasper releases a deep breath. “So do you.”
I shake my head and gaze at the winding pathway beyond Jasper’s house. A single bird bounds off a curling tree branch and flies away. “Then why can’t you let me do this?”
“Because, Kota,” Jasper says, “I don’t want you to die.”
I don’t want you to die?
These words.
These words make me seethe.
“I don’t believe you,” I spit out. “You want me to stay weak; that’s really what you mean.
So you can protect me. You want someone to hold power over.
You want a plaything. Just like Peter.” I push myself up and stare down at him, fists clenched.
“You know that I care about two things: Grandma and Bunny. If you truly cared about me, Jasper, you would want me to do this; you would support me in getting them back.”
“Dammit, Kota!” Now Jasper’s standing. Staring down at me. “I just want you to be safe.”
“My life means nothing without them!”
The front door flings open. Greeley raises her eyebrows. “Hate to break up this lovers’ quarrel, but we gotta go. Get your stuff, Jas.” She thumbs behind her. “We don’t have all day.”
If she notices the tears about to erupt from my eyes, she doesn’t make it known—not with her words, and not with her body language. Is she showing compassion, or am I imagining things?
I’m probably imagining things.
“He’s not coming,” I say.
I don’t need him.
“Whatever,” Greeley says, jumping off the patio. She gestures for me to join her. “Time to get a move on, Dakota.”
“Wait—don’t leave yet.” Jasper stands and hurries back inside the house.
“Bossy, isn’t he?” Greeley jokes.
I grit my teeth.
She rolls her eyes and kicks a rock.
Greeley is desperate for someone to banter with, isn’t she? We’re all lonely. All in search of someone to give us comfort—and that means something different to each of us.
Jasper bursts back outside and places a gun in my hand. “Take this.”
I cringe when his warm hand curls around mine. I pull away and shove the gun into the waistband of my pants.
Am I angry at Jasper? Yes. But am I stubborn enough to refuse a gun? Hell no.
“Aw,” Greeley says, drawing the word out. “The damsel in distress found her knight in shining armor.”
My ears and cheeks burn despite myself. I spin away from Jasper and join Greeley on the dying lawn. “I’m going to kill you, Greeley.”
“Not if I kill you first! Tag.” She slaps me on the shoulder. “You’re it! Now, grab a backpack and follow me. We’re going fishing.”