Chapter 29 #2
He didn’t let go. True to his stubborn nature, he’s still holding on to me, while the rest of my family watches from the trailside.
As we’re falling, he quickly tucks me into his arms one last time before we meet our end.
“It’s okay, Clo. We’re going to be just fine,” he whispers into my hair as we descend the last dozen feet.
Suddenly, my entire life is playing out before my eyes.
My first bike ride. My first day of school.
My first friends. My first time dancing.
My first family cabin trip. My first time swimming.
My first hike. My first time driving. My first time.
My first heartbreak. My first prom. My first job.
My first solo vacation. My first hot-chocolate chat with my dad. My first time chasing dragonflies.
Dying alone would have been okay. I probably deserve it after putting myself in this situation.
But dying with him? The person who has been my rock since the moment I opened my eyes in this world? Unacceptable. He deserves to live.
I don’t give a damn about what happens to me, but if he dies with me right now, I will never forgive myself. Mark my words.
Thud.
Crunch.
Snap.
Darkness.
A burst of scorching pain shoots violently through my body, rattling every inch of me. I have no idea how long I've been out.
I attempt to move, but I can’t. I think I’m paralyzed.
I attempt to speak, but I can’t do that either. My chest is killing me, and my breaths grow more and more ragged by the second.
I can't even open my eyes.
I know it for certainty now. I’m dying. I have minutes left, at most.
I can’t make sense of much right now, but I can feel my surroundings. My head is resting on his chest.
His still chest.
He isn’t breathing.
My dad is dead.
I killed him.
Before I can even begin to process this tremendous loss, I hear leaves crunching and panicked breathing in tune with the sound of a running stream. We must have landed right on the large rocks bordering the creek.
It sounds like my family caught up with us before my bitter end.
My mother collapses next to our bodies in hysterics, softly caressing my arm.
“My baby girl. My baby. My love,” she whimpers.
I’ll miss my mom and her soothing persona more than words can describe. She has stood by me through every up and down of my life. If I could speak, I’d thank her one last time.
My baby sister rests her head next to mine on my dad’s unmoving chest and bellows.
She screams at the heavens, pleading for a reason why, breaking my heart even more.
I taught her how to swim, you know? My parents were busy watching my brother, so I took the liberty of showing Sadie the ropes of the waves.
I can’t believe we won’t ever swim together again.
All the while, my brother is quietly stroking my forehead with his thumb, maintaining a stable and strong presence for my family.
He’s already taking on the responsibility of what it means to be the oldest and only man in the house at only age twenty.
I wish I could see his face just one last time.
I wish I could tell him it’s okay to take his time processing this, that he needs to lean on others for comfort, too. He deserves support.
I wish I could stay for my little brother—for all of them.
I know they’ll manage without me. But what are they going to do without my dad?
None of this is fair. I’m responsible for his death, yet I get to escape life and meet death. I should stay here with them. It’s my duty to take care of them after the devastation I’ve caused.
I don’t deserve peace. I don’t deserve joy. I don’t deserve love.
For this transgression, I deserve to rot.
“We love you, honey. You can rest now.” My mom gently runs her hand through my hair, no doubt getting caught on clumps of bloody matted hair. My sister kisses my head as my brother holds my hand.
“No, I don’t deserve your love,” I want to shout, but I can’t.
I don’t deserve rest.
Look at what I’ve done, the destruction I’ve caused. I broke our family. This is my doing.
I deserve to rot.
Rot.
Rot.
Rot.
That’s what I’ll do. No matter where I end up after this, I vow to sit with this every single day for the rest of my existence. Not a day will pass that I won’t punish myself for my actions. I ruined their lives.
With that promise to myself, a tear slips out of my eye. A coarse finger wipes it away. Jonathan has always been good at wiping my tears away. I’d smile at him if I could.
I may not deserve their love, but I’ll love them with every fiber of my being forever.
It’s growing more and more painful to breathe. Slowly, I accept death’s embrace and take my last shallow breath, bidding my whole world goodbye forever.
It’s happening again. One minute, I’m dancing with my best friends. The next, I’m falling to my death. I can’t remotely comprehend why I keep living this nightmare.
Is it real? Is any of this real? Am I dead or alive?
I’ve relived this experience so many times I’ve lost count. What the hell is happening? Am I actually in Hell? Or somewhere worse?
Again, I plummet off the ledge to my death, wrapped in my father’s arms.
Again, I’m so enraged and hurt I can hardly think coherently.
Again, I promise myself to remain miserable for the rest of my existence.
“No, I don’t deserve your love,” I want to scream, but I can’t.
I don’t deserve rest. Look at what I’ve done, the destruction I’ve caused. I broke our family. This is my doing.
I deserve to rot.
Rot.
Rot.
Rot—
“You deserve more.”
This time is different… I seem to be aware that I’m reliving this experience over and over again for the first time since this cycle began.
My subconscious is communicating with me. Odd.
I can’t tell if that’s a good sign or if I’ve officially lost my mind.
I also can’t help but wonder why my subconscious has such a masculine, deep voice.
As that thought crosses my mind, I hear a rich chuckle inside my head.
Oh, no. I’m actually hearing voices that aren’t mine. Who knew that was a part of the crossover experience? Why didn’t this occur during any of the other horrendous times?
“You deserve more,” the voice repeats urgently.
“No. I do not,” I whisper within my mind.
“I’m afraid you do. You’re meant to be happy, angel.”
Angel. That nickname strikes a chord.
“I don’t know if you’ve been watching this play out, but I’m no angel. I’m a destroyer. I single-handedly destroyed my family within a matter of seconds. I killed my dad. So, no, I don’t deserve happiness and never will.”
“You didn’t kill your dad. He fell with you because he couldn’t bear the thought of you going through this alone. He did that out of love for you.”
“Love I don’t deserve!”
“Give yourself grace. Can’t you see how much your family loves you?”
“I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it. I ruined their lives. I should’ve died alone.”
No person who loves me walks away unscathed. I hurt everyone who loves me. I’m like a black hole, a plague, a—
“The short amount of time you were a part of their lives made their lives.”
Tears sting my eyes as my mom runs her fingers through my matted, bloodied hair. If I could shake my head in protest, I would.
“Your family wouldn’t want you to put yourself through hell for what happened. Especially not your old man.”
“You couldn’t possibly know that.”
“I’m all-knowing, actually.” I hear a smile in this voice.
“But I am responsible for his death. How could they ever forgive me for that?” I pause, holding back tears, shallow breaths escaping rapidly. “How could I ever forgive myself?”
“You’re not responsible for the choice your dad made. There's nothing to forgive.” He pauses, then a warm sensation begins to flood my senses. It almost feels as if the sun itself is holding me in its arms. “Be kinder to yourself.”
“How can I do that when all I want is to hurt myself for what I’ve done?” My chest tightens “I’ve hurt the people who mean the most to me. Don’t I deserve to be alone?”
“It’s okay to hurt, but it’s not okay to hurt yourself. Especially not forever.” His voice is smooth. “You deserve love.”
As the warmth spreads throughout my body, this world begins to fade away. Again, I take my last breath.
But instead of immediately returning to the club, I’m in a dark environment I don’t recognize. The warmth continues to envelop me. As I’m being embraced, a sense of peace gently streams through my body.
Finally, I have the strength to open my eyes, and instead of my dad’s chest, I’m face-to-face with the glowing outline of a different being. To my surprise, he's funneling warmth into me.
“Now, are you ready to accept it?”