F O U R T E E N
“Pump the brakes, you’re telling me you went rated-R with Charlie? And you’re just now telling me?”
“I haven’t exactly had a free moment to tell you.”
“But enough time to do it again in the on-call room, Meredith Grey.”
“Perry,” I gruff.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’m just… what? ”
I sigh. “I know,” I utter, slowing for a red light.
“Everything else aside,” she murmurs. “How was it?”
“Perry.”
“Come on,” she whines. “It’s Charlie. The same guy who looks like a dirty book cover and does face masks with you. I refuse to believe he’s a subpar lover.”
She can hear me grind my teeth together.
“Oh!” she giggles. “It was fucking good, wasn’t it?”
I’m silent.
“Oh, it so was!”
“You aren’t helping.”
“Banks, be a girl for two seconds,” she asks. “Stop overthinking this and just live in it for a minute. This is monumental for you.”
“I had sex like every other adult human.”
“You aren’t every other adult human. You’re Banks. The girl who wanted to be swept off her feet. Who has high expectations. This was important to you.”
“I know.”
“So?” she tries to drag out of me. “Charlie? I mean what does this mean?”
“I don’t know,” I fuss. “I have no fucking idea.”
“Well… what do you want?”
“I want to know what he’s hiding from me.”
“I assume he wasn’t that injured if he fucked your brains out hours later.”
I don’t have it in me to grunt her name a third time.
“Maybe he’s embarrassed,” she suggests.
“Of what?”
“Who knows? Men think in alien. What we think of as completely logical, they think makes them a wussy.”
“I still can’t believe I went from furious to letting him touch me like that.”
“Wait till you have make-up sex,” she says. “It’s so good, your toes will curl.”
“Perry!”
There it is.
“Alright, alright,” she inhales. “What about the doctor? Where are you with that?”
“He’s nice,” I admit. “I do enjoy hanging out with him…”
“But he’s not Charlie.”
I groan as I park. “No. He’s not.”
“No one is ever going to compare to him,” Perry murmurs. “Even if you two don’t work out, finding someone who is your best friend and you want to fuck, is one in a million.”
“Are you saying you don’t have that with Dan?”
“Of course not. If I was fucking my best friend, we’d be Frenching right now.”
That makes me laugh .
“You know me, the worse for me the more I get sucked in. I know that. I’m trying to figure it out.”
“You don’t have to stay with him, Perry.”
“What if no one else loves me, Banks?” Her insecurities slip.
“Your made-up man is out there,” I promise.
“Sometimes knowing the devil you’ve got is better than the one you don’t know yet,” she sighs. “The same can be said of you. You know Charlie. Who cares what he’s hiding? Maybe it’s for good reason.”
I understand what she’s saying. She’s talking about living in ignorant bliss. You can’t want for more if you don’t know there is more.
“I’m home,” I breathe.
“He’s waiting for you?”
“He asked me to come over after my shift.”
“Don’t think so hard, Banks. Just enjoy being with him for a little while. There’s nothing wrong with a honeymoon phase.”
“Maybe…”
I can hear her roll her eyes. “Well, I love you no matter who you choose,” she says. “But it better be Charlie.”
“I hate you.”
She makes a smooch sound.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
“Later, Banks.”
I take a moment before I get out of the car. Part of me wanted to listen to Perry and enjoy this new direction in our relationship. Forget everything else and just be in the moment with him. Earlier in the on-call room flashing through my brain as I walk up the stairs. It's almost scary how easily I can get lost in him.
My body hummed for his. I melt under his kisses and the care he takes when he touches me.
He’s careful, tender but not like I’m breakable. He knows I’m durable, but he’s soft because… well I guess I don’t know.
The few times I’d gotten close to sex before Charlie, the kisses were sloppy and not in a sexy way. I’ve never experienced being aroused by a real man, except for Charlie. When I invited Ryan in, it was more in hopes that maybe he would be different. Maybe I could have gotten there with him if given the right circumstances. Now it makes me feel dirty. Wanting to feel desire even if I had to force it from myself.
I unlock my door and step inside slumping against it. My eyes instantly find my bed, made with clean sheets.
I blink.
Had Charlie made my bed?
My lion sat on the end with a little note between his paws.
I set my things down and reached for the note.
I put your other set in the wash. They should be done by tonight. – Charlie xx
Of course, he did.
That’s who Charlie is.
Thoughtful.
Swoon-worthy.
I give the lion an affectionate pat on the head and take a quick shower. I smelled like hospital and I needed to condition the rats' nest I call hair .
I dressed in a pair of light gray sweats and a loose long sleeve. I purposely didn’t want to look sexy. Charlie has seen me in every form, green goo and all. I brushed out my hair but left it down before I put on a pair of Halloween pumpkin socks and slippers. It’s almost eight now and I couldn’t stall any longer.
I pushed away thoughts of the files I found in his nightstand as I stood outside his door. I shouldn’t have been snooping. I needed to let him tell me when he was ready. I need to force myself to not push him. To give him grace with his secrets and hope that one day he feels safe enough to share.
“Hey,” he smiles, opening the door seconds after I knocked on it.
His curls hung over his forehead, his split lip looking slightly pinker.
“Hi.” I can’t help but grin back. “Is that pizza?” My nose has a mind of its own.
“Yeah,” he chuckles, pulling me inside.
Two pizza boxes sat on his kitchen counter, one with a cheese pizza and the other with my favorite garlic knots.
“I thought you’d be hungry.”
“I’m starving,” I confess.
We don’t bother with plates, taking the boxes to the coffee table and climbing on his couch. He finished cleaning up the damage from the wall and put away his laundry.
“Thank you for washing my sheets,” I say after I scarf down a piece or two.
“There was some blood,” he says softly. “I didn’t think you’d want them to stain. ”
My lips parted, unsure if I should feel embarrassed or not. I know it’s normal, I just…
“It’s fine, Banks,” he notices. “It’s completely normal.”
My cheeks flush a little. “I guess that’s not the first time you’ve…”
He lifts a brow. “I’ve what?”
“Had sex with a virgin.” I find my confidence.
His eyes darken a little. “It was,” he says. “It’s not the first time a girl has bled though.”
“Oh.” The words seem foreign. “Umm…”
“Period sex, Banks,” he chuckles. “I didn’t injure anyone.”
“You’re into that?”
He shrugs. “She started while we were having sex. It wasn’t planned,” he explains. “It can be messy but I’m not opposed to it. Maybe just have it in the shower is all.”
I snort. “I sound like a dumb teenager, don’t I? I mean I’m a freaking nurse. I shouldn’t sound so ill-educated.”
He reaches out toward me, pulling me into his lap. “I don’t mind answering your questions. I don’t care what your experience level is. I care about you, Banks. I would very much like to keep having sex with you, but I am happy if I just get to spend time with you. Your body isn’t a requirement for my affection.”
My eyes search his.
He isn’t lying.
A loss of sex wouldn’t be a loss of Charlie if I were to back out now.
I touch his cheek. “I like having sex with you,” I murmur.
He smirks but not in a smug way.
“But what does that mean?” I can’t help it .
“Banks + Charlie,” he says, bowing to touch his forehead to mine. “Does it have to be more complicated?”
“You know me better than that.”
He chuckles. “I’m yours,” he says simply. “Any way you’ll have me.” His blue eyes peer into mine.
“I want to know what you want, Charlie,” I whisper.
“I want you,” he murmurs. “I’ve always wanted you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that to begin with?”
He sighs with a sad grin. “You needed a friend, Banks.” He pulled back a little. “When we met again at Harlem’s... if I pursued you like this, you would have run from me.”
“You don’t know that.”
He nods. “I do. You needed me. I told you that. I became who you needed at that moment.”
My heart squeezes.
“When I was saying you needed a real man, I meant me,” he confesses timidly. “I was trying to show you…” He shuts his eyes. “When you told me about your date, I was happy for you. I was,” he breathes. “But I can’t lie and say it didn't tare me up inside.”
“Charlie.” I raise my other hand, touching both his cheeks as his eyes open. “Banks + Charlie. You and me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I need you.”
I nod, pressing my lips to his.
Charlie’s secrets are his to share.
In his own time.
I would need to respect that.
“You want to sit on the balcony and stargaze?” he says against my lips.
“After,” I hum, and he gets a cheeky glint in his eyes .
“Oh, but I want to take my time with you,” he husks.
“We’ve got all night.”
I ache physically and emotionally. I can’t comprehend my feelings as I press my back into his chest. His arms wrapped around me as his comforter blankets around us in a warm cocoon on his balcony. Faint little snowflakes leisurely fall. We’re tucked under the eve, but a sprinkle of snow covered the railing.
“What were the stars like in Germany?” I ask him. “Were they like they are here?”
“In some ways,” he replies. “There’s nothing like being in the middle of nowhere though. With no lights for miles, just the stars. They aren’t that bright in the city because of all the electricity.”
“Will you show me one day?” I glance up at him, resting my head against his collarbone. “Take me into the country, we can bundle up in the bed of your truck and watch the stars all night?”
He snickers. “What book did you read that in?”
“It’s a classic scene.”
“Yeah.” He kisses my temple. “I’ll take you one day, Banks.”
“Your birthday is coming up,” I say.
“It is.” He squeezes me.
“What do you want?”
“You.” He buries his face in my neck.
“I’m not a birthday gift. ”
“Says who.” He blows against my skin and I jolt a little, giggling. He grunts, and I realize I hit one of his bruises with my elbow.
“Sorry.” I frown.
“It’s okay,” he utters. “I don’t need anything,” he returns to our topic. “I just want to spend it with you.”
“Kai will want to go out.”
He nods. “I still want time alone with you.” He brushes my hair from my face. “Will you come out with us?”
“I think my social anxiety can handle it.”
“That never bothered me,” he tells me. “You know that right? I don’t care about going out.”
“You didn’t become a shut-in for me?” I tease.
“I would never go out again if you wanted me to. There’s only two reasons a guy goes out in the first place, Banks,” he educates me. “To get laid or get drunk. I’m not looking for a random lay and I can get drunk in the comfort of my own place.”
“You should be out though,” I say. “You’re a positive vibe, Next-Door-Charlie. You make people happy.”
“I just want to make you happy, Banks.”
“You do make me happy,” I say after a breath, and he leans in for a kiss. A soft one. Our lips are still bruised from the second time we had sex earlier. We were a little rough with each other.
The fact that we are still naked, wrapped in his comforter, sitting on his balcony in the middle of winter doesn’t stop me. I turn in his lap, straddling his hips.
“Banks.” His tone, almost warning me.
I look at him through my eyelashes, reaching between us, taking him in my hand, him hardening almost instantly. His hands palm my back as he tries to keep it covered from the cold.
“Just once,” I ask. “Just us.”
His eyes flood.
“I can take an afterpill,” I offer.
“It’s not that,” he says. “It’s just I’ve never…”
“Maybe I can have one of your firsts then.”
“I wish I could have given you all of them,” he swallows, and I wrap my other arm around his neck, slanting my lips over his.
His tongue meets mine as I stroke him a few more times before lifting my hips and sliding down on top of him. Both of us groaned at the closeness. Our eyes open as our lips touch but don’t kiss. I lift my hips once more with a throaty breath.
Our eye contact never breaks as his hands slide down my back to my hips, moving with me, ever so gently guiding my movements. My arms are locked behind his neck as our chests brush against each other. My nipples are erect from the cold and the oh-so-delicious way Charlie’s skin rubs against mine. I fist his hair in my hands as I raise and fall over him. My shoulders are exposed to the chill, but my body is on fire. Every movement is so intense, so fucking good.
But it’s the look in his eyes.
He’s so lost in this, in us, in… me.
I don’t care that it’s freezing, that we’re on a balcony outside where anyone could see, that he’s raw inside me. All I care about is how close to him I feel.
I feel everything.
I feel all of Charlie and I never want to know anything else.
It becomes too much, and I feel tears pooling in my eyes as my climax approaches.
“Babe.”
His hot breath hitting the cold air.
“Babe, what’s wrong?”
He tries to stop me, but I grind my hips into his, harsher and frenzy-like.
I can’t say it.
Not yet.
I take his lips with mine, rolling my hips in the chase of pleasure.
“Come,” I bark into his lips as I’m nearly there, wanting him to come with me.
“Banks, what’s wrong?” he asks again, his voice straining as he attempts to hold some composure and I buck my hips a little faster.
“Charlie,” I whimper as my body tenses, clamping down over him. He moves my hips one last time, and he follows me. I fall into him, as he wraps the blanket even tighter around us. Both of us, now covered in a sheen of sweat and panting.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I say when I can breathe. “I just got caught up.” I hug his neck, him still inside me as he holds me closer.
“I know,” is all he whispers.