T W E N T Y - S I X
Since our last fight, it was as easy as taking a breath.
Being with him.
To the point that I started to believe him when he said it would be the last time he ever asked me to believe in the suspension of disbelief.
I started to think it really could be this easy. I could move past our bumpy beginnings and look to the future.
A shiver shot down my spine as I sat on the rooftop of our building.
Perry is in my apartment, as she arrived last month. She has taken up knitting as a stress reliever, an alternative to finding another Dan. That in of itself is a wonderful pro to the con of my apartment being covered in balls of yarn.
Not a single cloud touched the sky tonight.
Only stars.
And only the moon.
Spring is slowly starting to fade into summer again.
A light breeze blew the few strands of my loose hair around my face as I pressed it into my hands. Flashes of the last few months are before my eyes as I consider what's been given to me. I've only read about twenty books to the usual hundred or so in that time.
And it's because of him.
Because I would rather be out living in the real world with him than in my apartment with the made-up men .
He makes me feel like a sunflower on a summer day, basking in the heat and glimmering.
He's given me so much self-confidence and strength, despite our shortcomings.
A year ago, I would have turned this offer down out of fear.
Fear of the unknown.
But now...
A part of me is jumping at the opportunity.
“Nurse Mastumara?”
I lift my head, angling in the direction of my name being called.
I am met with a soft grin.
“Dr. Stevens,” I smile back. “How are you?”
“Great.” He stops just short of where I sat. “You?”
“Great,” I echo.
“I'm glad to hear it. May I?”
I hadn't really spoken to Ryan in months. A nod or wave here and there, but I kept my distance and so did he. A mutual respect.
“Sure,” I nod.
He pulls out the chair across from me, setting his charts on the table while I set my fork down.
“I wanted to ask you something,” he says. “But please know our history has nothing to do with my recommendation.”
I raise a brow.
“I've been asked to join Doctors without Borders,” he begins. “And I would very much like it if you would accompany me for my contact.”
“I'm sorry?” I cough. “What?”
Ryan grins. “They need another nurse on my team, and I am asking if that nurse could be you.”
“Where?”
“The Congo.”
“Africa?”
He nods. “Yes. We'd be working with children mostly. You'd be there to assist on surgeries but mostly aid in the delivery of vaccinations and such.”
“That's amazing.”
“It would be a wonderful opportunity for you.”
“How long?” I ask. “Is the contract?”
His lips form a line. “Roughly eighteen to twenty-two months.”
My eyes widen. “Almost two years?”
“Possibly,” he admits. “I understand that's quite the commitment, but I feel you would be the best fit for the position.”
“I don't... I don't know.”
“You have time to decide,” he tells me. “But please think it over.”
I opened my mouth to tell him 'thank you, but no thank you' but he had already stood.
“Personal matters aside, this is a very important mission for my career and could be for yours as well. I hope you'll truly consider taking the opportunity,” he murmurs. “It was nice to speak with you again,” he adds before offering me one more closed-mouth grin and walking away.
My heart swells at the thought of being able to help those who need it the absolute most. It's why I became a nurse, wasn't it? To brighten someone's day, even if it only be for a few hours. Going to the Congo with Ryan could change someone's life, not just their day.
The other part of me keeps seeing Charlie's face and the idea of leaving him for two years...
That feels like a rusty switchblade making soup out of my insides.
“Did you make a wish?”
I glance over my shoulder as the access door shuts behind him. His hair is getting ridiculously long, pulled back in one of my butterfly clips. I am forcing him to let me cut it tomorrow. His lip is busted again, he claims to have bit it after a co-worker dropped a pineapple box while running into him.
He grins at me as he leans against the partition I am sitting on.
“There wasn't a shooting star.”
Charlie hums. “What are you doing up here?”
I huff, pushing those silly stray hairs behind my ear. “Thinking.”
“How was work?” He sits beside me.
“Interesting.”
He hums again. “Perry?”
“Knitting.”
Charlie lowers his jaw. “What do I have to do to get more than one-word answers from you?”
I stare at him for a moment before I lean my head on his shoulder and glance at the shimmer of blue above us.
“My birthday is next week.”
“I know,” he replies with slight amusement.
“You know what I'd wish for?” I whisper. “On shooting stars and birthday candles?”
“If you tell me, they won't come true. ”
I twist my neck to find him watching me. His blue eyes glowed in the dark. “I don't know about that.”
“Fair trade?” he says. “I'll tell you what I wish for.”
I smile.
“You.” His palm creases my cheek. “Every single time. You.”
I had to say it now.
“I was given a job offer,” I exhale as his forehead presses together. “I received the official paperwork this afternoon.”
His palm falls. “What kind of job offer?”
“Doctors without Borders.”
His expression becomes blank as he looks away from me. I picture the cogs in his brain spinning and spinning as I let it sink in.
“You want to go?” he murmurs an infinite time later.
I feel my eyes tear, but I don't let any fall. “I don't know,” I admit.
“How long?”
I pick at my nails. “Potentially two years.”
“Two years?” he gapes, finding his feet. I watch as his own anxieties slip, and he quickly tries to conceal them. Tugging at his hair then quickly releasing it. Clenching his jaw then opening his mouth to stop.
“It's a serious commitment,” I add. “But I'd be able to help so many people. So many kids.”
Charlie grunts before looking at me and I see the fear in his eyes. “Are you asking me or telling me?”
I let my legs slide down and stand. “Neither,” I say. “I want us to talk about it. I won't lie, one part of me really wants to do this, but that part of me only exists because of you, Charlie. ”
He gnaws on his cheek, baffled.
“Before you, the idea of going to a foreign country alone would scare the shit out of me. You've made me stronger. Helped me see that real life is worth living.” I touch his arm. “But the other part of me... is terrified of leaving you.”
“I don't know what you expect me to say.” He falls cold. “Assure you I won't cheat? You know I wouldn't.”
“No.” I roll my eyes, knowing he's just scared. “I just need my best friend right now,” I say. “To talk this out with me. I could be halfway across the world truly helping other people, making them happy or giving them hope but being here at home with you makes me happy.”
“Helping people makes you happy too, Banks,” he utters.
I nod. “Yes, it does but not as happy as us makes me. I don't know that I want to live two years of my life without you.”
His chest rises and falls as he finally reaches for me, pulling me into his arms.
“It's your choice to make,” he breathes into my hair. “Whatever it is, I'm going to be right here waiting.”
His arms squeeze around me.
“I never want to be the reason you don't go after your dreams.” He presses his cheek against the top of my head. “As hard as it would be for me, I'll wait for you, Banks. I'd wait my entire life if that's what it took.”
I shut my eyes, inhaling him.
Would this job be worth putting us both through that?
He says something just then under his breath.
“Koinoyokan?” I repeat. “Koi no yokan?”
“You know what that means?” he asks.
“It's Japanese? ”
He nods. “It's the sense of meeting someone you'll fall in love with. A premonition of love. The feeling of falling in love,” he explains. “I've had that feeling since I met you when we were kids. I have it now and I'll still have it in two years from now and a hundred after that.”
Those tears I kept at bay rushed out like waves.
He takes my face in his hands, brushing the tears away the moment they fall. “I'm sorry my initial reaction was cold,” he murmurs. “I want you to follow your dreams, Banks. I want you to have everything you've ever wanted. I don't care if it kills me, I'm not going anywhere.”
“I want you, Charlie,” I sob, taking his mouth with mine.
This is home.
This is contentment.
Him and I under the stars.
How could I ever need anything more than this?
“I don't want to spend two years without you,” I cry. “Maybe if the contract was shorter—”
“This can't be about me.” He opens his eyes. “It's about you.”
I nod. “I know... but don't you get it, Charlie Barnes?” I tearfully grin. “I can help people right here and that's good enough for me.”
And it is.
I decided in that moment it's enough.
It would always be enough if I got Charlie.
Always.
“How can I fill someone else's cup when mine’s empty?” I murmur. “You fill my cups, Charlie. I'm so freaking in love with you, leaving you would gut me. Just the idea of it. I had to bring it up,” I declare. “I had to talk it out. Give it a fair shot because I owed myself that much. To see if my free will mattered but the truth is, I want to see the world with you . I want you right by my side. I want—”
His hand behind my head thrusts me forward as his tongue slips between my lips. He kisses me like he's begging me to stay as if my choice wasn't already made. This love is once in a lifetime, and maybe I'm a fool, but no job could ever fulfill me like this.
In my depths, I'm a romantic who needs love.
In all capacities.
I need him.
I need him like the blood in my veins.
I used to be idiotic enough to think that I could part with him, but I cannot.