B O N U S E P I L O G U E
The best feeling after a really long trip is the moment the plane tires touch the surface, and you know in the deepest parts of your soul that you are… home . For a split moment, every reason you left and every moment you experienced while gone, leave you and all that’s left is the relief. That unmistakable comfort of home.
I have been on my fair share of planes by now and nothing beats the feeling of the arrival.
Only I’m not truly home.
The home I’ve yearned for the past two years doesn’t exist anymore.
Only in my dreams can I visit there.
My mother hides her displeasure with a teary grin on her lips. I ruined her joy of me coming home the moment I told her of the job I took, starting only a few days after my arrival. I’d have nothing more than a single night in my parents’ home before I would take the train into two states over where my new apartment was waiting for me.
I barely recognize my nephew on my brother’s hip and have yet to meet my newest one in my sister-in-law’s arms.
“You cut your hair,” my mother whispers in my ear as she squeezes me to the point that I am lacking oxygen.
“Mom,” I still manage to almost whimper.
Her pink fingertips palm at the black tresses sitting on my shoulders, hopelessly pinned away from my face with a gold barrette .
“One day isn’t nearly long enough,” she grumbles, lightly pulling away. Her beautiful face gained a worry line or two over the time I was gone, I fear I might have been the cause of it.
“Let her breathe, honey,” my father softly chuckles to my mother’s left. His once dark gray hair is now silver, but truthfully it suits him. Replacing my mother, he kisses my forehead.
“Welcome home, Banks,” he tells me warmly.
“I missed you, Dad.” I shut my eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling of being a little girl for just a second.
“I missed you more,” he replies before letting me go.
Hawke’s arm drapes over Jessie’s shoulders as they exchange a look. Still in love with another baby boy. It’s nice to see the good things that came out of the last two years.
“Wes, you remember your Auntie, don’t you?” Hawke grins, talking to the now toddler. Weston stares at me, his own dark hair touches his eyelashes as he leans into his father.
“Hi Weston,” I smile, and he slowly returns it.
“You look great, Banks.” Jessie sidesteps my brother and gives me a one-armed hug.
“You too, Momma.”
She smiles.
The comfort of my family is as sweet as it is bitter. I yearn to be with them, to settle into the life I had before, but I can’t do it. And I’m not sure if I ever will.
Coming home wasn’t my first choice when my contract was up. Returning to the States meant my ability to live in limbo must end. I would need to truly find a way to move on with my life. Think about dating, think about finding a way to get all those things I wanted before I left, even though it will look so much different than I pictured.
It’s madness how six months can alter the entire course of your life. I’ve spent four times that away and somehow, the wounds still feel as fresh as they did the day it all came crumbling down.
Even as I sat at the table for my welcome home dinner, wanting to savor the moment, all I could feel was the ghost of that first dinner together. Where Weston was just a tot and Charlie’s eye was black.
Places hold echoes of time.
And I am unsure how it’s possible that a few moments could override an entire life’s worth of memories.
How so much happiness could so easily be swallowed.
I wanted to be able to stay here, but even just a day felt like too much to bear.
“Matsumara, you got a bleeder in bay three.”
I nod at the charge nurse, taking the chart from her.
I give my neck a crack as it’s been a long shift, nearing my last forty-five minutes. The emergency room tends to make the day buzz by, yet you never know what you’re about to walk into, which can be mentally taxing.
I push back the curtain. “Hello, I’m Nurse Matsumara,” I say while skimming over the chart. “You’re Robbie?”
I peer at my patient, finding a fifteen-year-old with a busted lip, black eye, and an artificial head wound. He’s holding a gauze pack to the site, his tight ringlet curls in the surrounding area are covered in blood .
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Looks like they want you to have a CT, I’ll take you up there once we get the bleeding under control,” I note, setting the chart on the end of the gurney before walking over to the supply cart.
“Is that really necessary?”
His dark eyes look impatient as I toss a few more gauze packets on the bed beside him.
“You said you got the cut in a fight?” I repeat the notes. “Head wounds tend to look worse than they are but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
The kid huffs while I pull a tray over and grab a swab to give him some topical.
“So,” I hum. “What’s the other kid look like?”
I replace his hand with my own, removing the bloodied gauze while applying the topical. Robbie peers at me curiously for a moment before his lips curl.
“About the same.”
“Is he being treated here as well?”
He shrugs. “I’m only here because my counselor made me. This ain’t nothing I couldn’t patch up myself.”
“Hold this,” I ask, wanting to give the numbing a few more moments to sit while I open some wound wash.
I take a closer look at Robbie. His clothing is worn and likely second-hand, but his shoes are brand new. He looks like a street kid, but his words alone were enough to confirm my suspicion. He said counselor, rather than parent, and he’s obviously patched up his own wounds for quite some time.
“Who started the fight?”
“I don’t have to tell you anything,” Robbie starts to clam up .
“I’m not going to turn you in.” I start to wipe away the topical. “Just curious is all. I haven’t patched up a wound like yours in a while.”
“I box,” he finally says. “I’m pretty good.”
“Right.” I smile. “Your black eye and busted forehead might say otherwise.”
“Oh, the nurse got jokes now?” Robbie smirks.
I start cleaning the wound, causing him to wince a bit, but truly he takes it like a champ. Like a kid who's been through much worse than a little alcohol.
“You new here?” Robbie wonders. “Last two times I’ve been here, I ain’t seen you.”
“I am. I started just a few days ago.”
“You’re the only nurse that hasn’t given me an earful about boxing.”
“Would it make a difference if I did?”
Robbie chuckles. “No.”
“Believe it or not, I learned a long time ago, that people are going to do what they want regardless. While I think you’re far too young and stupid to be doing what you’re doing, my job is only to bandage you up.”
“So I can keep a standing reservation with you when I take a hit?” He attempts to flirt with me.
“You’re a nice kid, but I’d rather not see you again, Robbie.”
“Oh come on, just when I thought we were becoming friends.”
I grin, sealing the bandage before I start to collect the garbage. “Let me get you an ice pack for the eye. ”
I toss the trash and take off my gloves before grabbing an ice pack, cracking it open, and massaging it in my hands while I make my way back to Robbie.
“... not even that bad,” I hear Robbie say as I push through the curtain only to be met with the back of a man.
My entire body freezes as I’m hit with a familiar scent. I can’t control myself as my eyes shut, and I inhale.
It’s for just a millisecond as I find myself staring at a head of short dark brown curls and rounded shoulders, covered in a dark gray corduroy.
“Tell him,” Robbie mutters as the man turns and all words seize.
As if it were possible he looked even better. Bright, safe blue eyes with healthy color around them. A dusting of facial hair and soft pink but scarred lips. His hair is trimmed the shortest I’ve ever seen it, but I can still see his curls.
My teeth sink into the flesh of my own lips as he slowly begins to smile at me.
“Tell Lacky that I’m fine, Nurse.” Robbie crosses his arms. “Just need an ice pack.”
The chill in my palm reminds me that I am holding said ice pack.
“Sorry,” I almost choke, handing it to him. “You’re—”
“Matsumara, you got the CT patient?” A medical assistant tugs back the curtain.
“Yes.” I blink, turning to my colleague.
“I’ll take them if they’re ready.”
“I really don’t need all that,” Robbie utters again.
“You’re getting one,” Charlie states. “Now go.”
Robbie him and ha’s before jumping off the side of the bed .
“Thanks, Nurse.” He nods at me before reluctantly going with the MA.
Heat flushes to my cheeks as I am left with my past.
“Banks.”
I swallow, feeling like my throat is suddenly sandpaper.
“You look…”
I find it in me to glance up at him.
“You cut your hair.”
“So did you.”
We both pause for but a moment, thought it felt like an eternity.
I crack a saddened grin. “You want me to walk you to the waiting area for the CT?”
“I would like that.”
I can feel him at my side like a phantom limb as I walk him out of the ER and into the hallway.
“What are you doing in North Carolina?”
“I needed a change after—”
He clears his throat.
“I have a cousin that lives by the beach and he let me stay with him and his family till I got on my feet. What are the odds that you’re here?”
I have a death grip on my stethoscope. “I took a random job,” I confess.
“When did you get back?”
“A week ago.”
“Wow, straight back to work then?”
“Something like that.”
To my luck and dismay, the waiting area isn’t but a two-minute walk.
And those two minutes were up .
I have so much I want to say, so much I don’t know if I can ever admit. So much I want to know.
So much I am utterly terrified of.
I came here because I thought it was my fresh start, that no one from my past could possibly show up.
Yet here he stood.
As if he was always meant to be exactly where I am.
“He shouldn’t be long,” I say. “If it’s been longer than thirty minutes, you can ask reception for an update.” I pointed at the desk in the corner.
“Banks,” Charlie whispers as I’ve refused to look at him since we left the ER. “Please.”
I tilt my chin up as my bangs fall in my face.
“It’s good to see you,” he says softly.
“You look well.” I attempt to smile. “I’ve got to go.”
“I understand.”
Now is when I should go. I should turn and all but run.
But I can’t.
I can’t do it yet.
I have to soak up one more look.
He does look well.
He looks perfect.
My heart bursts in my chest because with just one glance all the pain feels worth it.
Letting him go let him begin to heal.
Even if it shattered me.
“Why does Robbie call you Lacky?” I can't stop myself from asking.
His eyes almost roll as a glimmer of a smirk draws across his beautiful scared lip. “Lame ass counselor. L.A.C. The ‘E’ part just sort of evolved. ”
My own weighted grin stains my face as I nod.
“Goodbye, Charlie.”
I don’t wait for a response because I can feel him watching as I go, sucking back happy tears.
It had been a week since I bandaged up Robbie when an envelope was left for me.
“Been here two weeks and you already got a secret admirer,” Roxie, a fellow nurse snickers as I hold the letter in my hand. I unlock my locker and shrug off my jacket before I look at the front.
All that is written is my name.
Just Banks.
I would know the sender’s handwriting anywhere.
My eyes shut as I inhale deeply.
I wait till I’m alone, sitting on one of the benches as I muster the strength to slip my finger under the flap.
It ended with a letter.
And maybe…
When I’m ready…
It can begin again with another.
I still love you.
I’ve tried to start this a hundred times, but I feel like I can’t say anything till I’ve said that. You have haunted me in the most extraordinarily painful kinds of ways, Banks. Having to stand there and watch you walk out of my life… the life I pushed you out of… truly broke any resemblance of a man that was left. I spent months unable to eat, barely able to keep a job, much less be a functioning human being. Just abou t all I could do was sit on the balcony, utterly shit-faced, and stare up at the sky, praying like hell that you were staring up at it too.
I cut all communication off with Kai before he could. I couldn’t face him; which means I am even more of a coward. I couldn’t look into the eyes of my friend, knowing what I’d done to his sister. What I’d done to us.
I’ve lost anyone I’ve ever truly loved, but I know now the only time it was truly my fault was when I lost you. I could have prevented all of it if I had just been honest with you.
We would be married by now.
You would bear my last name and live in our house.
It would be my arms you sleep in each night.
I would have the one person I have always wanted. The life I have always wanted. The life I wanted for Carsyn one day.
You told me she deserved better, and you were right.
I wasn’t honoring anything with my secrets and punishing myself was the last thing she would have wanted. The best way to honor my sister is to live a meaningful life. To experience everything I possibly can so when we reunite one day I have a lifetime of stories to tell her.
Honesty was the bare minimum of what I owed you. I know one lie amongst the hundreds of truths ruined everything and I only wish I could have understood that sooner. If not to be with you again, but just to give you the apology you deserved. Somehow, I think I could have done the worst of things, and you would have loved me, just as long as I told you the truth along the way.
Nothing about the last two years was easy for me. I feel the ache of the vital organ you took with you in every breath, every step, and every thought I’ve had in that time. I will forever want you, Banks, but I did learn to function without a heart.
I stopped fighting.
That night was the last that I ever stepped foot in a ring.
After moving, I started working at the community center here. They have support groups for people who have lost someone to suicide. I can’t tell you how many times I stayed outside, unable to actually walk in. How many times I sat there and just listened once I finally did make it inside. It’s been a little less than a year since I was finally able to speak.
I went back to school. I’m nearly finished with my degree now. I think about applying for an internship at an observatory, but I really like what I am doing now. At first, they hired me as just a janitor, but about six months ago I moved into a counseling position. Everyone knows I’m completely unqualified, but the kids talk to me. I see so many of them in and out of this place, some reminding me of Carsyn. Only making me want to help them more.
Robbie is one of my regulars. He’s a good kid, just a little rough around the edges. He wants to box, no matter how much I try to convince him that fighting isn’t the answer. His home life isn’t great, and in some ways, he is fighting for the money, but mostly he just loves it. He loves his sport that was born out of a means of survival.
He knows about you and why I lost you. A cautionary tale I told him in hopes to change his tune. But you’ve met him and he’s as stubborn as I was. He couldn't believe it when I told him that you were the one to bandage his wounds as you once did mine. I am doing my best to ensure he learns from my mistakes.
I understand why you left, and I don’t blame you, baby.
And I will respect your decision if you never want to see me again.
But I need you to know, I have been in love with you since I was just a kid myself.
I love you more than the stars, and only you know just how much that truly is.
And I want to know everything you did while you were gone if you’ll allow me the opportunity.
Seeing you again, it was as if you never left. I am still in utter awe of you.
And I want to fight with you and for you.
I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that you can trust me, showing you that you are safe with me, earning your respect and love.
I want to be the one who tells you how beautiful you are. And you are, Banks. You’re so fucking beautiful. Still. Now and forever.
Our paths crossed again despite all odds. I know how you feel about fate, baby, but whatever the reason, I am so fucking grateful. Even if you never reach out after reading this, I am still grateful to have seen you again. Just once.
With or without you, my heart is yours, but I understand if yours is no longer mine.
If there’s any chance…
No matter how slight, please give it to me.
Please give me the chance to earn you. To be the man you always knew I could be.
Please fall back in love with me, baby .
I have no more secrets, and I’m still broken, but I spend every day trying to mend that brokenness.
I’m yours, Banks, still and forever.
There’s somewhere in time and space where we work out.
I keep praying like hell that it’s this one, but I will wait as long as it takes and if that be till my last day on this Earth, I’ll see you in the stars.
I love you.
I am still so goddamn in love with you, Banks Malie Matsumara.
Forever,
Charlie.