The Starter Ex

Chapter 1 #2

“Sweetie, this is a good thing. I was in love with him. Truly. Then I discovered Ian doesn’t have a loyal bone in his body.

Short story: He’s loaded. He cheated. No prenup.

Cha-ching. We’re visiting my parents to celebrate.

In fact, I’d clink glasses with you if I had any champagne handy.

” Charlotte glances at her companion and furrows her brow.

“Goodness, sorry. Julia, this is Vanessa Cordero. Vanessa, this is my bestie, Julia.” Turning to Julia, she says, “Vanessa and I went to college together. She’s the starter ex I told you about.

The one who helped me land the asshole in the first place. ”

In the beginning, I’d considered asking my clients to sign a nondisclosure agreement, then felt mildly embarrassed at the thought of taking what I was doing so seriously. In this moment, however, I have regrets. Many, many regrets.

Her companion’s eyes grow as wide as saucers. “Oh-em-gee, this is the genius who tortures men for a living?”

My face warms under her blunt appraisal. “That’s not an accurate description of what I did. And anyway, it’s all in the past.” I wave away my and Charlotte’s connection as if it’s no big deal. “Misguided college stuff.” Damn, it’s hot in here. Is the restaurant’s air-conditioning on the fritz?

“Well, past or not, I bow down to you, girlfriend.”

Still seated at the table, Lisa clears her throat. Or maybe that’s a snort. Yeah, considering this stranger unironically called me girlfriend, Lisa definitely just snorted.

I spin around as if my sister has appeared from nowhere. “Oh, right. Charlotte, this is Lisa. My younger sister. We were just heading out—”

“No, we weren’t,” my traitorous sister says.

“We haven’t even ordered.” She motions to the empty chair next to hers.

“Want to join us? I’d love to hear more about this torturing business from someone who has firsthand experience seeing my sister in action.

” Lisa pins me with a frosty stare, as if to say, You have a lot of explaining to do, pendeja.

I drop onto my chair and rub my temples. Damn, this is going to be painful.

“Picture this,” Charlotte tells my sister, as droplets from the second glass of champagne she ordered land on her place setting. “Vanessa knows Ian’s a neat freak, so she comes over to his place after supposedly participating in a mud run—”

“A what?” Lisa asks, her forehead creased in confusion.

“It’s like an obstacle course. Lots of running.

Lots of mud. Think army training. Crawling on the ground.

Climbing over a wall. Sprinting through a tire maze.

Point is, there’s no way you’re finishing without getting absolutely filthy.

So then your sister goes over to his place and asks if she can clean up there.

” Charlotte looks over at me. “Want to pick up the story from here?”

Not really, but they’re all staring at me expectantly.

“Um, yeah, there isn’t much to add. I stood outside his apartment, but he wouldn’t let me through the door.

He asked if mud runs were a hobby of mine, and I said yes.

A once-a-month thing, in fact, I told him, which of course wasn’t true.

And I pointed out that if we got serious, I’d find a way to drag him along too.

His face paled. He was already pale to begin with, by the way.

I think the mud runs were the final straw.

Before that, I’d rearranged his kitchen in a way that made no sense.

Refused to take off my shoes at the door.

Silly stuff, really, but I knew that wasn’t enough for him to end things.

The mud run, though? That was a deal-breaker.

The key is to know your target’s pressure points. ”

Lisa leans forward, setting aside her ridiculous “naked” pizza, which boasts no toppings and is the least offensive item on Grenadine’s menu. “So how’d you smooth the way for Charlotte?”

“Well, he already knew Charlotte was my roommate. We met through her. So I started mentioning little things here and there. How she cleaned up after me. How she organized our apartment. How funny and engaging she was. Listen, it was all true. The thing is, he couldn’t see or hear any of it until he needed a lifeline.

It was like the juxtaposition of our personalities helped him realize she was better suited for him than I was. ”

“And you did this for multiple women?”

“Yes, and one guy. For that assignment, both the client and the target were bisexual men.”

Lisa collapses back against her chair. She’s peering at me as if she’s looking at a stranger, as if everything she’s ever understood about me has been upended. “Goodness. You’re blowing my mind right now.”

“You don’t do it anymore?” Charlotte’s friend Julia asks, a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

“No way. Can’t imagine doing anything like that ever again. I’m not proud of what I did.”

“Well, I’m grateful,” Charlotte replies, her speech slurring just a touch.

“Okay, babe,” Julia says, rising. “Time to get you to your parents’ place. Something tells me you’re going to have a nasty hangover if you don’t quit while you’re ahead.”

Charlotte allows Julia to help her stand. As Julia gathers their belongings, Charlotte slides over to me and squeezes my shoulder. “If you ever want to reopen your starter ex business, I have lots of friends who’d hire you.”

“Thanks, but I’ll pass. Those days are over.”

She giggles. “Suit yourself.” Then she blows kisses at us and trots away, Julia struggling behind her with their bags and that damn accordion file.

Lisa and I sit quietly for a moment, both of us absorbing the impact of Charlotte’s revelations. I want to ask Lisa what she’s thinking, even though I’m not sure I’d appreciate her answer.

After a minute, she blows out a breath. “I want you to do that for me.”

“Do what?”

“Be a starter ex. For someone I’m interested in.”

I cackle and wait for my sister to join in on my amusement. She doesn’t. An eerie sense of déjà vu sets in. “Oh shit. You’re serious about this?”

“I am.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Hear me out, Vanny.”

Oh, we’re back to nicknames, are we? How interesting. Still. “There’s nothing to hear, Lili. The answer is no.”

The light in her eyes dims, and her expression sours. “Fine. Let’s just get the check.”

Okay, I probably shouldn’t have rejected the idea outright.

This is an opportunity to connect with Lisa, and I squandered it.

Mind you, I’d never agree to this kind of scheme again, but what’s the harm in learning why she thinks she needs my help?

Maybe I can use this as a chance to bond with her. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Lisa sits up, her expression softening. “His name is Jason Torres. He’s my best friend’s older brother. And I’ve had a thing for him since high school, but he doesn’t see me in that way. I’m starting to think he never will.”

“If he can’t see how amazing you are on your own terms, then perhaps it’s for the best.”

Lisa slumps her shoulders. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if?

, though. All the men and women I’ve ever been interested in pale in comparison to him.

When I’m with someone else, I’m thinking of him.

And questioning if I’m with the wrong person.

I just thought this starter ex stuff might kick Jason out of neutral.

If he can see you as a potential girlfriend, it wouldn’t be as much of a leap to see me as one too. ”

“It’s a little more complicated than that, sweetie. The reason those other engagements worked was because I didn’t have a hugely personal connection with the person asking for my help. Being your sister injects a fundamental flaw in the mix. If anything, he’d run in the opposite direction.”

“That’s assuming you two had some kind of grand love affair.

But it wouldn’t be anything heavy, right?

It’s not like you’d be dating him for years.

You wouldn’t even be having sex. And after the breakup, you’d sing my praises.

Assure him you wouldn’t be jealous and you’re supportive of the relationship.

Extra points if you were the one to suggest me as a replacement. Subtly, of course.”

“Okay, but let’s spin this out a bit: Let’s say this works.

Jason decides he’d prefer to date his ex-girlfriend’s younger sister, and you two fall madly in love.

There would always be this big lie of omission between you two.

Honestly? I never understood why the people I worked with wanted that burden, but I was young and dumb and didn’t care.

As a grown-ass adult, though, I’m having a hard time understanding why you’d want to do this. ”

“Because I’m just not seeing it as a big deal. You’re simply giving him a little push in my direction, that’s all.”

“It would be awkward as hell.”

“Not really. It would be the kind of thing we’d laugh about one day. It doesn’t have to be awkward if we don’t make it awkward.”

“For him, Lili. I meant for him.”

She gives me a dismissive wave. “Guys are clueless about these things. They take their cues from us. Besides, if he thinks he’s dodged a bullet by dating me instead of you, he won’t care.”

“So this guy, Jason, he means something to you?”

The faraway look in her eyes as she considers my question is answer enough, but I still want to hear what’s going on in that head of hers.

“This isn’t some silly crush. I’ve had real feelings—strong feelings—for Jason for a while now. I just don’t know how to get him over that hump.”

“Is he a lot older than you? Is that his hang-up?”

“No, he’s twenty-nine. We’re only three years apart.”

This guy’s my age, then. That’s a relief.

“Is it because he thinks his sister would object?”

“She wouldn’t. If anything, Camila would love for us to get together. It’s him. He’s jaded. Cynical about relationships. Not wary of women, per se. More like he’s wary of people in general.”

“Sounds like a charmer,” I say under my breath.

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a really great guy. It’s just…he has his relationship walls up.”

“Well then, he sounds like a challenge. And my usual antics probably won’t fly with him.”

“That’s where I think you’re wrong, actually. Remember, he’s jaded. A terrible girlfriend is exactly what he’d expect. Nothing you do would ever surprise him. You’d just be playing into his preconceived notions.”

“How does that help you?”

“I’ll be the antithesis of a terrible girlfriend. The exception to the rule. The one person who wouldn’t pull the bullshit you’re doing. And if I can get his family—his mother especially—on my side, there’s no way he wouldn’t at least consider me.”

I draw back and gawk at her. “Jesus. Who are you right now? When did my little sister become this scheming mastermind?”

“You’ve been gone a long time, sis. I’ve always been this way. It’s just…you were never around to witness it.”

A pang hits me deep in my chest. Well, she’s right about that.

But trying to reconnect with my sister shouldn’t come at the expense of my efforts to be a better person, to make smarter decisions in my personal and professional lives.

I’m trying. Agreeing to be a starter ex for her would set those efforts back several steps.

Lisa fidgets with the cloth napkin in her hands. “Let me ask you this: Has any person fallen for you despite whatever it is you do as a starter ex? Because that would be my only hesitation. I wouldn’t want to toy with Jason’s feelings. Not to the point that he’d actually get hurt.”

“Good Lord, no. My tactics make that virtually impossible. Now, mind you, being a starter ex was a bit of a dance. These men wouldn’t have continued to date me if I’d been terrible to them all the time.

So there was flirting and fun. But then I was really good at making them miserable too.

Seriously, Lili, my skills were unmatched.

And my success rate stands at ninety percent.

But again, that was a long time ago, and I have no interest in resurrecting that part of my past.”

“One more time, Vanessa. That’s all I’m asking. And it wouldn’t be for long. Camila’s getting married in July, and I’m her maid of honor. That’ll give me plenty of opportunities to be around Jason. And just as many opportunities for you to be around the family if you two hit it off.”

“There’s a possibility we wouldn’t hit it off at all. What then?”

“Then we’ll forget about the idea altogether. I’ll just act like Kathy Bates in Misery and chain him to my bed until he falls in love with me.”

“Be serious for a minute.”

“I am being serious,” she says, shaking her head. “And I’m not doing this for shits and giggles. Please, Vanny. I need this.”

There’s a touch of urgency in her voice; it baffles me. “But why?”

“Because I don’t have anything for myself, V.

I work ridiculous hours, helping too many kids in an underfunded and understaffed education system, while my life remains stagnant.

I’m tired all the time. My kids and their families take up most of my hours during the day, and when I get home, I continue thinking about their problems. And then when I’m not obsessing about my students, I’m helping our parents.

I just want something for me. No, someone for me.

Someone who’ll put me first. I always put on a smile and tell people things will be okay, but I’d love to be able to lean on my partner when I’m worried that things might be as bad as they seem. Is that so much to ask?”

Turns out, Lisa also knows my pressure points.

Reminding me that I’ve been absent in our parents’ lives for most of my adult life—forcing her to fill the void—is an express ticket to the land of Guiltopia.

And the feeling’s multiplied by thousands when I remember why I made myself scarce.

“Of course it’s not too much to ask. But what’s wrong with trying to get close to Jason the old-fashioned way? ”

“I’ve been trying, but whatever I’m doing isn’t working. He treats me like a sister, not a woman he could date. What he needs is a push. A well-executed push.”

“I’m sorry, Lili,” I say, avoiding her pained stare. “The answer is still no. It’s a bad idea. And I bet if you give yourself time to think this through, you’ll come to the same conclusion.”

She leans back in her chair. “No, I don’t think I will.

Which isn’t surprising. We’re not as alike as I once thought.

” Then she digs into her purse and pulls out her wallet.

Poking the inside of her cheek with her tongue, she flicks a few bills onto the table—for her share of the check, presumably—and leaves without a backward glance.

Lovely. This redemption tour is off to a great start.