Chapter 23
Lioran rode to Othryl with a supply shipment, and I avoided saying goodbye. I needed time that only space would allow.
Fyn tried to assure me Lioran wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t sure I believed it.
Cora and I spent endless hours working with plants, trees, and the dirt itself until I felt the magic run deeper in my veins.
I could call on it with little thought, but even with my newfound ease, it took from me still.
My daily pain was a constant reminder of what I would give every time I used my magic.
The corridors of the castle echoed with each aching step. My heart throbbed in beat with the sound.
Lioran caught me deep in thought. He waited for me outside my door.
I wanted to embrace him but resisted. “You’re home.”
“I know you don’t want to see me right now.” His body stiffened.
“No, I do.” My arm settled on the door to my chambers, pushing it open.
“We need to discuss Myrwood Grove.”
“You need to let me make this decision on my own.”
“I can’t…” He exhaled. “The Grove is far too dangerous. The cost is too great. Cora may be wrong.”
“My existence…started a war. A war that resulted in a blight—and if I’m the solution, I must consider if I can pay the price.”
“I don’t know of any fae that have had their magic severed from them. What if it takes more than your magic?”
He wouldn’t stop until I backed down—until I told him I wouldn’t go. I didn’t want to discuss it any longer.
Sunlight danced across the high ceiling, casting leafy shadows over my bed. My head lowered—this room was a constant reminder of who I would never be. As much as I hoped to keep the thoughts at bay, they crept back in like the tide—unpredictable and unrelenting.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe it’s time to stop.”
His breathing intensified. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean this…” I gestured my hand around the room. “It’s meant for someone who isn’t me.”
“It is yours. Please. We just don’t agree on Cora’s vision.” His words were desperate. A stinging chill slid down my back.
The color slowly drained from his cheeks, and his eyes dimmed.
“You will be the king your people deserve.” My lips grazed his—if I could keep this moment—this feeling for all eternity, I would. “I will be your loyal subject always.”
He cupped my face in his palm. “You will never bow to me.”
My heart unclenched with his touch, but my jaw tightened with his words.
“The stars have other plans for us. Maybe it’s time for us to accept that.”
“I will never.” He leaned closer, his lips hovering over mine—as if he were asking permission to kiss me again.
My lips greeted his and I sank down inside of myself.
“Maybe there’s another way...” I hesitated to say it, unsure if I even believed it. “A way for us to still love each other, even when you...marry someone else.” I could never promise it, but I said it like I could.
“What life would that be for you? Keeping secrets…” His hands wrapped around me, holding me in front of him. “You’d stand there and watch me with my wife…with my children…while we exist in stolen moments?”
It was never what I wanted for myself.
Someday he would marry her, his queen. She would love him maybe even how I had. It wouldn’t just break my heart to steal away in secret, it would break hers.
I couldn’t do that to either of us.
“Could you?” He wouldn’t stop until I answered him.
I could see it all.
His wife. His children. His life without me.
A bitter taste settled on my tongue.
“When the time comes for you to marry, you will do what you must.” I would disappear somewhere else—far from the high court, maybe even far from Lythira.
He wouldn’t hear from me again, because even with glimmers of his love, it would never be enough.
I knew our time would be limited, but I chose to live in this fantasy.
“You deserve a home—a place where you’re safe and happy.”
“Don’t.” I pulled from his grasp.
“Be honest with me, because I can’t stop wondering how you really feel—what you truly want.
” Lioran stepped closer, his hand reaching for mine.
“I need to hear it for myself. That you don’t desire any of the things that being with me in secret would take from you—that you never wanted to be a wife, or have children of your own…
” He inched closer. “You’d be hidden, living a life that you could never make your own. ”
“Just stop.” I could barely speak, barely breathe.
I had never told him how much I wanted those things. Never shared the future I always envisioned.
“Tell me. I need to hear you say that you’re okay with that life. That you could exist only as my—” He flinched.
“I want all of that. I’ve always wanted all of that. Now I’m supposed to go watch you live that life with someone else. She will give you everything you truly want in a way I will never be permitted to.”
“No one else ever could.” The lines around his eyes hardened with my words.
“When you must marry, I will find someplace else to go.” He wrapped his arms around me as I collapsed into him.
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know. I will figure something out.”
He saw Cora’s vision as a threat against me, but I held onto it still. It brought me hope that maybe my future would carry meaning that was bigger than the heart break.
He would never understand. As much as I feared the fate she described, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“My heart would never recover.” His truth filled the void between us, gripping my heart harder.
“One day this will be nothing more than a beautiful memory.”
“I’ll live in it every day for the rest of my life,” he whispered in my ear. “If it’s too painful for you to stay…I understand.”
“If my heart has to break, I will let it break.” My voice cracked.
His finger slid over my lip—his head shook.
“I will be with you until I can’t any longer.”
I would live in our love for the days, months, or years that remained.
The musty scent of paper wafted in the air. Shelves as tall as the ceiling were lined with books bound in dozens of hues.
I found Fyn hovering over papers in the library. “Cora said I might find you here. I need to do something, and she doesn’t have time for training today. Is there anything I can help with?”
“Are you alright?” He asked.
“No.” My lips quivered.
He patted the bench beside him. “Want to talk about it?”
“We can never truly be together.”
A hint of sympathy glimmered behind Fyn’s eyes.
“You’ve had his heart the entire time. I think you’re the only one to ever truly hold it.
” Fyn dropped his quill on the parchment, his hands motioned me closer.
“This struggle isn’t just yours. He was here a moment ago.
You two are more alike than you think.” He cleared his throat.
“Fyn?”
“I know what it feels like...” His words crept between us. “It is a wonderful thing to love deeply, but unbearable to know it’ll be taken from you.” He choked on his words, as his eyes hazed over.
“Who is she?”
A smile tugged at his lips, but he fought it back. “Her voice was…” He grabbed the quill again. “She is no one.”
“No one… has you this emotional?”
“I am not emotional. Goodness—I try to relate to you, and you turn it around on me.”
“Okay…so this relationship with no one has you feeling like you understand what I’m going through?”
“Fine. She lives in Eyrsea. Her magic was tied to the sea, but my duty to Lythira kept me here. It wasn’t tragic or anything.”
“Sure,” I nodded. “I shouldn’t have pried.”
“You really shouldn’t.” He continued scanning his list. “The moment she said I couldn’t give her what she wanted; I stopped trying. I should have done anything, but I never went after her.” He rolled up the parchment and placed it aside.
“I’m sorry, Fyn” I said.
“Don’t waste your time with him. Allow yourself to have whatever you wish with him, while you still can. So you don’t live to regret it.”
“That is exactly what I want, but sometimes it feels too painful.”
“You will find your own way, in your own time.” He chuckled, but despair entangled with the fading sound of his laughter. “You always do. Probably because you’re so stubborn.”
“Just when I think you’re about to say something nice about me.”
“I say nice things about you to others all the time.”
“Sure you do, Fyn.” I smirked at him. “Is there anything I can do to help with your work? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the conversation in the emergency council. I need to do something.”
He pushed a scroll over towards me.“Lord Orion and I are organizing a group to pack supplies for Othryl. We’d love the help if you’re willing to do the work.”
“I’m willing to do whatever is needed.” I unrolled the paper. A detailed list of healing herbs was transcribed line by line.
“The others will be waiting outside—Lord Orion, Lady Aura, and whoever else he’s gathered.”
Their world had slowly become mine, but I remained an outsider. “They won’t mind me helping?”
“No one turns down an offer to help around here.” Fyn gathered his paperwork.
Voices carried through the castle halls as fae ladies and lords carried crates to the courtyard.
“You can help Rowena with the herbs,” Fyn said as he gestured to the fae healer that helped Lioran during his time in the infirmary. “Rowena, Lady Aelira is here to assist you.”
“I will gladly take your help, my lady.” Rowena nodded to me.
“Please, just call me Aelira.”
She nodded. Her hand extended to crates beside her. “We will take the supply list and make sure everything is prepared for the next shipment. The healers there are without many essentials.”
“We stopped in Othryl, with Prince Lioran.” My heart hardened with the thought of the healer, so frail she couldn’t help him.
“You know how essential this work is then.” I nodded, blinking back the tears.
Lady Aura eyed me from across the courtyard as she directed crates of produce into place. Lord Orion checked them each off his list.
I sat beside Rowena, reading names of herbs off the list. “We don’t have oregano?” The glass bottles clanked in the crates as I sifted through the contents.
“No, it won’t grow as fast as we use it. It’s a shame, too, it has so many wonderful medicinal properties—to fight off infection.”
I thought of the lavender fields, of the roses blooming beneath the willow. Maybe I could make it grow. Everything I grew I had touched before, but I wasn’t sure if I had ever even seen oregano.
“Rowena?” I hesitated to ask, to admit what magic I had hidden from them all. “Do you have any oregano?”
“Yes, but we need it desperately here, too. I don’t mean to be selfish, but I can’t part with it.”
“Can you bring some oregano to me? Even if you have just a sprig. I can give it back when I’m done.”
“Done with what?” Her eyebrows rose.
“Are you almost done packing the herbs?” Lady Aura ran her fingers along her dress, trails of dirt fell on the fabric.
“Almost. Can we have a little more time? I wanted to try to prepare something for the shipment.” I stood beside her.
Fyn watched from a distance as he crouched beside a crate.
“Whatever you and Rowena have will be welcomed,” Fyn interjected. A hint of a warning glimmered through his gaze.
“If you bring me the oregano Rowena—I may be able to make more.” I looked at the dirt beneath a nearby oak tree.
“Make more? How?” Lady Aura’s gaze softened.
“With my magic.” My voice was a low murmur.
“I’ll get some.” Rowena stood and darted back inside.
Fyn leaned over me until only I could hear his whisper. “Do not get me in trouble, please.”
Rowena returned moments later, a sprig in her hand—my fingers trailed it, I closed my eyes as I caressed the soft fuzzy leaves, the pungent smell lifted to my nostrils. I handed it back to her and ran my fingers in the soil beside the castle wall.
Magic awoke within me, my skin still carried the scent of the sprig and tingled as if the fuzz from the leaf still lingered there.
I felt the land call to me, a whisper that pulsed up through the ground.
The ground felt firm beneath my fingers, as my energy drifted away from me.
When I opened my eyes again, all those who came to help Othryl stood beside me.
They assessed the oregano as it came to life beneath my fingertips.
Fyn extended a hand to me. “Of course…You had to do that.” He winked as he raised me to stand. “He’s not going to love this,” he murmured under his breath.
Rowena ripped a sprig free from the soil, and inhaled. “You made them grow? How?”
“My magic sometimes helps flowers grow, I thought maybe it would help the oregano, too.”
Lady Aura placed her hand on my arm. “Thank you.” Her gaze greeted mine—I thought I saw a hint of acceptance behind it.
Rowena wiped back tears from her eyes. “Thank you, Aelira.”
“Your Highness,” Lady Aura called to Lioran as he walked out of the castle. “You didn’t tell us you had one with such interesting talents amongst us.” She gestured to me.
The stone castle wall felt cool against my back, settling me as my body trembled from the weight of willing the oregano to grow. My muscles pulsed with a dull ache.
“Aura, not everything needs a grand explanation,” Lord Orion interjected. “We’re grateful for your help, my lady.” He lowered his head to me.
“You did this?” Pride beamed in Lioran’s eyes as he looked back at me.
“There wasn’t enough to give the healer in Othryl.”
“Thank you. They will be delighted to see the full shipment.” Rowena’s eyes met mine.
I stumbled. Lioran caught me by the arm, but released me quickly.
“Are you alright? I’m sure that was exhausting. Your Highness, maybe you can take her inside—get her out of the sun for a while?” Rowena asked.
I quickly nodded.
Fyn crept in between Rowena and me. “You did good.” He placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “If he asks though, this was completely your idea. I am in no way responsible.”
“It was my idea, Fyn.” I laughed.
“Exactly.” He nodded.
Lioran rolled his eyes at Fyn as Rowena stepped away to gather more bottles for the oregano.