Chapter 10
Ten
Maria
Three Days Later
The last thing I want is for you to get hurt.
Those words keep echoing in my head over and over again, even now, and just like every other time, they threaten to knock me on my ass. Thankfully, I’m already on my bed, curled up among the mound of pillows and blankets, where I’ve been for the last three days.
Unfortunately, I am no closer to figuring out why Mark telling me that he was falling for me freaked me out so much than I was the day he told me.
Why it’s still freaking me out. I do know that I am not the kind of girl that guys fall for.
I’m the one who does the falling. Just… not usually by the second date.
And all those relationships ended in disaster when they abandoned me for something better, leaving me feeling less than and unworthy.
I’m told that’s why I’m so desperate for some kind of intimate connection.
It’s funny, I want love and intimacy more than anything, but I know better than anyone that I’m not worthy of it. Hence, my pity party.
The door to my room bangs open, making me cower deeper into my cocoon of sadness. I already know who it is, and I am in no mood to talk to him. Or anyone else, for that matter.
“Alright, enough of this mopey bullshit, Maria,” Darius demands. “Get up.”
“No,” I grumble into my pillow. “Go away, Darius. Leave me alone.”
“Bitch, you and I both know that’s not going to happen.”
I sigh when I hear him cross the floor, and the bed dips as he crawls in next to me. Knowing that I’m not getting rid of him, I yank the blanket off my head and roll onto my back, giving him the best glare I can muster through my puffy eyes. I have been crying off and on for days now.
“You’d better not have your shoes on my bed.”
He throws a look right back. “Oh, shut up. You need to wash your bedding anyway. Now, do you want to tell me why we are pulling the anti-social, bed gremlin routine?”
“No,” I pout.
“Let me rephrase,” he corrects. “You are going to tell me why we are pulling the anti-social, bed gremlin routine.”
I am about to tell him to shove it when he presses his finger against my lips, silencing me.
“And you are going to tell me the truth so I can help fix it.” He folds his arms across his chest, settling back against the headboard. “I’ve had to work with over-sharing Sherri for the last two days because you’ve called out.”
I try to suppress a laugh, though I don’t try too hard. “Come on, she’s not that bad.”
“You know I never kink shame,” he tells me. “It’s like a rule I have. Everyone likes what they like, and that’s great. But I can only listen to her talk about the kinds of things she steps on for the feet pictures she sells for so long before I want to shove a coffee spoon in my ear.”
I laugh loudly for the first time in days.
I love Sherri—we both do—but she does tend to overshare. A lot. Hence the nickname. Truthfully, though neither one of us will admit it, we are just jealous. She makes bank selling pictures of her feet, and the only reason she works at The Brew is that she gets bored during the day.
“I’m sorry,” I say after another fit of giggles.
“Yeah, you should be,” he retorts. A beat later, his face softens, and he takes my hand in his. “Enough avoiding the subject. What’s going on?”
I sigh. “It’s Mark.”
He nods, and I get the distinct impression that he already knew that. “I thought things were going well on that front.”
Slamming my arms on the comforter, I blow my now messy hair out of my face. “Oh yeah. It’s going great! So much so that he’s already falling for me.”
When Darius doesn’t say anything in response or freak out the way I am, I look over at him. However, I wish I hadn’t. He’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head or lost my mind, and maybe I have. No sane person would have a total breakdown over getting what they want.
“Okay.” He draws out the word. “And that’s mope worthy because?”
“I don’t know!” I exclaim, throwing my hands up in frustration.
“And that’s the problem! It’s exactly what I’ve wanted!
It’s everything I’ve wanted, and yet now that it actually happened, it scares the shit out of me.
” I groan, once again fighting off tears.
I’m honestly surprised that I have any left. “God, what’s wrong with me, Darius?”
“Oh, honey.” Darius brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. And you know I would tell you if there was.
Just like I have no problem telling you when a particular pair of pants makes your ass look huge.
Which is all of them because you have a naturally big ass, by the way.
But it’s a nice ass, so don’t start freaking out about that too. ”
I laugh again, this time through my tears, though I’m not sure how to take or unpack all of that.
“Look,” he continues. “You are always saying that I ‘act like I know you’, but I’m not acting.
I do know you. You are my best friend, Maria, the only person in this entire world whose view of me didn’t change when you found out that I like men.
You accepted me for who I am when my own parents couldn’t, and you asked me to be your roommate within two weeks of knowing me.
No one wanted to room with me in college, not even my so-called friends.
” With a sigh, he thumps his head back against the headboard, as if trying to clear the painful memories.
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, because you are my best friend, I cherish the relationship we have.
I pay attention. That’s how I know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are just scared.”
I blink, my brain trying to catch up with the emotional bomb he just dropped.
The part of me that wants to take care of everyone else wants to focus on the sappy, emotional part of his speech.
However, just as Darius claims to know me, I know him as well.
He doesn’t do ‘emotional’ well, and most of the time, it makes him shut down.
He’s still guarded and will let me in more when he’s ready.
“What makes you think I’m scared?” I ask instead.
He smiles gratefully, obviously realizing what’s going through my mind.
“You think very little of yourself, Maria, and you don’t think you are worthy of much.
Now, you are scared because you think it’s only a matter of time before he sees you that way, too.
You like him a lot, and you are afraid that it’s going to go up in flames and hurt more because of how much you like him. How am I doing so far?”
“How am I supposed to know?” I snap a little too defensively. “You are the one who claims to know me so well!”
He raises an eyebrow and folds his arms across his chest.
I try to ignore him, I really do, but his words resonate with me, and I think they might actually be true.
I’m worried that Mark would be settling for me when he could do so much better.
He already admitted to Sean pressuring him about dating, like Darius had been doing to me, so maybe that’s clouding his judgment?
Unfortunately, Darius’ words make sense. While this is everything I could have wanted, I don’t know that I can say the same about Mark.
“Alright,” I grumble. “You’re right. I’m scared.”
“And that’s totally normal!” He retorts. “Love is scary!”
My eyes suddenly go wide, and I sit up so fast that Darius flinches. I quickly shake my head. “Whoa, Darius. No. I’m not in love with—”
“Relax.” He waves me off with a roll of his eyes. “I know. But it is heading that way, and you can’t tell me it’s not. You wouldn’t be this scared otherwise.”
“Okay. So…so what do I do then?”
He shrugs. “Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. With love comes the risk of getting hurt. You just have to decide if it’s worth it or not. If he is worth it.”
I press my lips together in thought. “Well, I think he is. At least, I want him to be. But I also don’t want him to end up regretting his decision or resenting me.”
“Jesus, Maria. You are acting like I’m asking you to marry the man!”
“No, I—”
“There’s no other explanation for you freaking out like this,” he says confidently. “You need to slow down. Date the guy first, and get to know him a bit. The trust will come.”
“I don’t know, Darius,” I mutter sheepishly. “I think… I think I may have messed things up with him already. I really freaked when he told me he was falling for me, and I’ve ghosted him for the last three days.”
Darius pats my leg and then jumps out of my bed before going to my closet and starting to dig through my clothes.
“First of all, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.
If you explain things to him, I know he will understand.
Secondly…” He pauses for a moment too long.
“I may or may not have spoken to him earlier.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I screech, scrambling to get out of bed.
My best friend exits my closet with my lavender dress in his hands. “You shower; I talk. That’s how this is going to go.”
I scrunch my nose at him and stick out my tongue, but then stomp my way to my private, ensuite bathroom.
After turning on the water so it can start warming up, I strip out of my clothes, trying to ignore how badly I need to shower.
The warmth of the water makes me sigh as I step inside and close the shower door.
Darius enters a few moments later, setting my dress and a pair of clean underwear on the bathroom counter.
“So, talk, Darius,” I press, looking over at him through the frosted glass as he goes through some of my makeup. “What did you talk to Mark about? What did you tell him?”
“I didn’t really tell him anything,” he replies simply. “He came into The Brew today and asked if you were okay.”
Biting my lip, I pour a bit of shampoo onto my palm. “He did?”
“Yes. And before you ask, he looks just as miserable as you, which is why you are going over to his place when you are done. The two of you need to talk.”
“What?” I laugh. “I can’t just—”
“You can, and you will, even if I have to take you there myself.”
I scoff and shake my head. “Well, I don’t know his address.”
Imagine my surprise when Darius tells me that he, in fact, has Mark’s address.
He asked him for it when he visited the coffee shop.
Once I learn that, I try to change his mind before I’ve finished my shower and the entire time I’m getting ready, to no avail.
Darius seems to have it in his head that things between Mark and me are going to work out.
He speaks so confidently about it that, for a moment, I allow myself to believe it too.
Which is how I end up here, standing outside Mark’s apartment like a freaking idiot.
I didn’t even think to call and let Mark know that I was going to be showing up at his place to talk.
I think I was still in denial about Darius making me follow through.
Unfortunately, he also followed through on his threat to drive me here and then kicked me out of the car.
He told me he wasn’t going to come back for me until Mark and I worked things out, until we discussed our fears and expectations, all of it.
The problem is, Mark isn’t home, and my dumb ass forgot my cell phone on my nightstand. Darius is long gone, and I’m pretty sure Mark said that he likes to go to the gym after work. So, I’m officially stuck here until he’s done for the night or Darius gets worried about not hearing from me.
Shit.