INDY
SIXTY-SEVEN
I move in with Nick a few weeks after the talk with my mother. I say move in, but it’s more like I just never really leave his place. I float the idea of staying in my own apartment once.
He looks at me for the longest time with the most perplexed face I’ve ever seen on a person and asks just one word.
“Why?”
So I stay.
That night.
And every night after.
Until one Saturday, Dia and Bridge knock on our door and when I open, they shove a duffel and a suitcase at me.
“There’s more of your junk in the car,” Dia says as she walks past me into the apartment. “You should bring it upstairs. Is Nick making dinner? Because it smells really good.”
“What she said,” Bridget throws over her shoulder as she follows Dia inside. I’m left in the hallway holding my duffel with my suitcase at my feet. Nick peeks into the hallway from around the corner and raises his brows.
“Whatcha doing?” he asks as he steps into the hallway and leans his shoulder against the wall.
I eye my suitcase and scratch the back of my head while I push the duffel into the corner.
“I think I just got kicked out of my apartment,” I say.
He steps closer and takes my face in his hands, the pad of his thumb moving over my cheek. “When was the last time you even slept there?” he asks.
I don’t have an answer for that because I honestly don’t have a clue.
He laughs and gives me a quick kiss. “Let’s face it, you moved in with me a long time ago,” he says.
He turns and walks back toward the living area.
“Just like that?” I call after him.
He turns around in the doorway, grins, and shrugs.
“Welcome home, Blue.”
I don’t want to admit it, and I try to hide it as best I can, but I’m nervous. My fingers twitch and thrum against my thigh and twist the hem of my shirt, and then I realize I’m doing it and try to stop, only to then forget myself and start again.
“You know we don’t have to do it today,” I say.
He raises his brows at me. “I thought we were invited.”
“Well, yeah,” I say.
“But?” he prompts.
I cross my arms over my chest, slump into my seat, and sigh. “Can’t I just want you all to myself?”
“Blue,” he says as he takes my hand and pulls it toward him over the center console. He presses his lips against the back of my hand.
“I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”
I make a face. “That’s not…” I sigh and rub my palm over my face. “I’ve slept with Dylan.”
He glances toward me, fingers tightening on the steering wheel for a moment before he gives me a measured nod. “I know.”
I resist the urge to avoid his gaze. It’s not like I can undo the past.
“Does it make me an asshole that I like that it bothers you?” I ask.
“Because all the people you’ve slept with bother me, and I haven’t met any of them.
I think. If I have, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
See? I don’t know anything about them, and I want to punch them anyway.
” I blow out a breath. “I like that you’re jealous, but I also don’t want you to have to feel this way.
But I also want you to like Dylan. He’s important to me.
” I drop my head back against the seat. “Ignore me,” I mutter.
I open my eyes when he squeezes my thigh.
“I promise I’ll be good.”
“I know you will. I’m just saying…”
He looks like he’s about to laugh. “You’re just saying what, Blue?”
I sigh. “I won’t return the favor, okay? If it ever turns out you’re friends with any of your exes? I’ll be a dick. I won’t even promise I’ll try not to be one.”
“Blue,” he says and squeezes my thigh again.
“I hate the thought of you with somebody else,” I blurt and immediately make a face. “I wasn’t planning on saying that. Can we pretend I didn’t?”
“No,” he says.
“We should. Generally, as a courtesy, I think when somebody says something really dumb you should pretend they didn’t until they say something else that’s really dumb. Just in case the first time was a fluke, you know? Just… try not to burn any bridges.”
He makes a sudden right and pulls into a rest stop. I blink and look around when he parks.
“Are we getting a snack?” I ask.
He turns, facing me.
“Blue,” he says. “Look—”
“Personally, I think a snack is a great idea,” I say. “Can we get chips? Who do you think th—”
He leans forward and kisses me, cutting off my words, and I immediately lose my train of thought. When he pulls away, I chase him for a moment before I crash back down to earth.
“You want to make out?” I say. “I’m down. You have the best ideas.”
I lean forward again.
“I want to talk,” he says.
“Or make out?” I offer hopefully. “I could say I’m a proper gentleman, and anybody could see us, so we shouldn’t go for hand stuff, but then who are we kidding? We should definitely do hand stuff. And just a word of warning, there will be mouth stuff.”
“Blue,” he says.
I slump into the seat and hide my face in the crook of my elbow. His warm fingers wrap around my wrist and pull my arm away. His hand covers my cheek, and he gently pulls my face toward him until I’m looking at him.
“Are you listening?” he asks.
I nod. He’s very serious now.
“You’re being ridiculous,” he says. His thumb caresses my cheek and travels down my jawline.
“I know,” I say. “I can’t help it.”
“You don’t know,” he says. “You’re being ridiculous for no reason at all, Blue,” he says softly. “There hasn’t been anybody else in those six years.”
It takes a moment for those words to register and even then I don’t really understand what those exact words put in that exact order even mean.
“What?” I ask.
“Six years. Just you,” he says. “Ever since the first time I kissed you, it’s only ever been you. Nobody else.”
I don’t think I even really breathe while I try to process what I’ve just learned.
“But…” I shake my head to try and make sense of it. “How?”
He shrugs, his lips twitching. “It turns out it’s possible to not want to have sex with somebody that isn’t you.”
“But…” I say again, my brow furrowing as I swallow hard. A lead weight sinks into my stomach. I clutch the back of my neck.
“Blue.”
I clench my teeth, a lump in my throat making it difficult to breathe.
“I didn’t wait for you,” I say. “I didn’t…” I give a helpless, desperate shrug. “I didn’t wait for you.”
“I didn’t tell you this so you would think you should have,” he says.
“You waited,” I say.
“Yes, but I also left. You didn’t. We can spend a lot of time pointlessly comparing our actions, and how we dealt with the last six years.
It doesn’t matter.” He drags his fingers through his hair.
When he looks at me, it’s with the kind of intensity that I feel circulating my bloodstream.
“It’s the past. And I don’t care about the past. As long as I get to be your future. ”
“Why?” I ask.
He raises his brows. “Why do I want to be your future?”
“Why hasn’t there been anybody else? You hated me.”
“I didn’t. I tried,” he says.
“But?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t like most people. And I love you, even if it was reluctantly. Take a guess what happens when I try to replace you.”
I draw in a deep breath, and a small smile tilts the corners of my lips. “No hand stuff?”
He laughs, and it sounds easy. It pushes off some of the weight that has sunk in my stomach.
“Mostly I was afraid,” he says. “That moment I saw you on the subway again? It was…”
He looks for words but doesn’t seem to come up with any.
“A storm?” I guess.
He tilts his head to the side for a moment before he nods. “Yeah,” he says softly. “A storm. A violent, destructive one. And I was straight in its path once again.”
“You didn’t think to run?” I ask.
His dark eyes catch mine and hold me captive like they always do. “I’ve never been able to resist a storm.”
“Me neither,” I say quietly.
We don’t say anything else for a long while, just look at each other and remember and understand without words.
I think somewhere deep inside me there was still that fear that I could say something or do something, and he would disappear again.
That voice is gone now. He holds my hand, thumb caressing the inside of my wrist.
I think about loving him and I think about the future and the past. I think about sex. I think about our home. I think in terms of forever.
Forever, I think.
All my thoughts come in the form of forever.
He tips his forehead against mine, and I breathe him in. It all feels inevitable. Like this was how we were always meant to end up.
This is how we’re meant to be.
Forever.