Chapter 57
The sun was high in the sky as Eve drove with Dorothy towards the prison.
Eve had risen at five thirty, collected her from her house in Woking at seven thirty, and had then driven her all the way back to Oxfordshire – a three-and-a-half-hour round trip.
It was already feeling like mid-afternoon instead of mid-morning, but Eve didn’t mind.
She hadn’t wanted Dorothy to miss this moment.
It was going to be a lovely surprise for Joe.
She turned back to the road, not wanting to intrude on the older woman’s quiet contemplation, but she felt a lump in her throat as she thought about all this woman had been through.
Her excitement at seeing her son walk free must be tinged with sadness, and anger, too, when she thought about all the years she had lost, all the pain and heartache she had endured.
For Eve, it had been a matter of months.
For this woman beside her, it had been twenty long years.
They met Sarah in the car park and walked towards the prison gates, waiting outside a block near the back of the prison for Joe to be processed.
After several minutes, the door opened and he came out, holding a rucksack and a wad of papers in a plastic bag.
He looked tired and slightly bewildered and overwhelmed, but his face lit up as he spotted his mother.
He reached out and put his arms around her.
He shook Sarah’s hand before hugging her, too, then finally turned to Eve, took hold of her and folded her into his arms, holding her tight for several seconds, and Eve could tell he was unable to speak.
Eventually they broke away and he kissed the top of her head. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked her.
She nodded, trying not to cry. ‘I’m OK,’ she said. ‘But there’s someone who isn’t, someone who wants to see you.’
Bella waited in the kitchen at 21 Norham Gardens. She had arrived early, but Chas had made her a cup of tea and was being kind to her, asking about her life and her plans. She answered his questions as best she could, all the while feeling anxious inside and peering up at the clock.
Finally, the back door opened and Eve and Joe were there with Dorothy, the kitchen suddenly feeling full and busy with people.
Bella looked on as Chas gave Joe a warm hug and told him he could stay as long as he needed.
Joe thanked him and Chas grinned and said, ‘Well, you haven’t finished up on the loft yet, have you, mate? ’
‘Sorry—’ Joe began, instinctively, and Chas shook his head and said jokingly, ‘I don’t know, going off the job and leaving it half finished.’
Eve, Joe and Chas laughed, and then they started to chatter all at once, about who wanted what to drink and eat and where all of Joe’s things were.
Bella took a deep breath as she watched them together and wondered if she was already outstaying her welcome.
She couldn’t help thinking, suddenly, that she didn’t belong here, that she shouldn’t have come.
But then Dorothy came over and put an arm around her, seeing she was upset, and Joe sat down opposite her and said, ‘Hey, Bella. Good to see you. Are you OK?’
She shook her head, feeling the tears coming. ‘I wanted to say how sorry I am,’ she said. ‘For what I did to you.’
‘Hey,’ he said gently, reaching out across the table but not quite touching her. ‘I don’t blame you.’
‘How can you not?’ she sobbed, her voice cracking and the words falling apart. She looked up as Eve passed her a piece of kitchen roll and she took it. ‘I ruined your life,’ she continued. ‘I would hate me.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ he insisted. ‘I never have. You were just a child. I knew someone had influenced you. It’s what I’ve always believed.’
Bella wiped her eyes and gazed at him. ‘I thought it was just a nightmare. The stranger on the stairs. If I had only faced up to it sooner—’
‘Bella. Love,’ he reassured her. ‘You were just as much a pawn in all of it as me.’
‘Except that I didn’t spend the past twenty years in prison.’
This was unarguable, and he didn’t try to minimise it.
‘What was it like?’ she asked, uncertainly.
His gaze held hers. ‘Have you ever been sat on a bus and someone sits down next to you and you know instantly that they’re not quite right, mentally?’
‘Yes.’ Bella nodded.
‘Do you think up some reason why you need to change seats? Or do you get off at the next stop?’
‘Probably just get off the bus.’
He nodded. ‘Well, in prison, the majority of people are the scary person sitting next to you, except you can’t change seats or get off the bus.
Every day, you’re on high alert, never knowing if you’re going to look at someone the wrong way and have them come up behind you and slit your throat with a razor blade hidden inside a toothbrush. ’
Bella nodded.
His mouth tightened. ‘I somehow managed to dodge the razor blade, but nobody talks about the mental scars you’re left with, the ones that accumulate after you’re shut up in your cell each evening, having survived another day.
Before it happened to me, I used to hear people talk about prison as if it’s no great hardship because you get to have a TV in your cell, because you get three square meals and a roof over your head.
But it’s indescribable unless you’ve lived it.
The horror, the fear … and the boredom. It’s hard to imagine, I know, being bored and hypervigilant at the same time.
It’s not a good combination. It takes its toll over time. ’
‘I’m sorry,’ Bella said, swallowing hard to control her tears. ‘I’m so, so sorry. I can’t begin to tell you—’
‘It’s not your fault,’ he reassured her again. ‘And if you hadn’t listened to your instincts and found me, then Mitch would never have attacked you and he would never have gone on the run. You played your part in getting me out of there, Bella. For that, I will always be grateful.’
Bella really wasn’t sure she had done very much. But as she drove home, she felt a wave of relief and lightness pass through her. She was definitely feeling better within herself.
It was a few more months before she realised that her nightmares had gone, or at least that she hadn’t had one in months.
She occasionally dreamed about coming down the stairs, but the dream was different now.
It felt sad but not frightening, and when she woke up, she no longer felt rigid and petrified.
She talked about everything with Adele and realised that she had started to feel excited about the future.
She planned to go abroad – the first stop would be Nepal – and when she got back she was thinking of returning to art college to study illustration.
When she had told her dad, he had offered to support her financially – he had some money put aside, he said.
With Adele’s help, Bella had come to realise that there was more than one way to love someone and that he was doing his best. She realised that it was time to forgive him and accept him for the person he was.
She left on a sunny afternoon in mid-August. Justin took her to the airport. He told her he would wait for her, and Bella said that they shouldn’t make each other any promises. It was time for everyone to live their own, authentic life.