2
Her thoughts raced in circles. Was there maybe a hidden release button she could reach with her toes?
Suddenly the machine's rhythmic, quiet humming died away. A bright voice rang out: “Subject secured. Vital functions stable. Objective achieved.”
Oh God, it could speak!
“Yay!”
Yay?!
“Hello?” Loretta tried cautiously.
She couldn't help how pathetic her voice sounded in this huge, silent room, given her hopeless situation.
But damn it, what was she doing? She was talking to a machine!
As if a bunch of wires and tubes would respond to her.
The thing was a mechanical guardian, and it would definitely stay exactly like this until morning dawned—and her arrest along with it.
“Yes, hello?” came the immediate reply from the device.
What? It was actually answering her?
“I… um…” she began, visibly caught off guard. “I'm…”
“You are restrained!” the machine announced. Could it be that the electronic voice suddenly sounded somehow proud… not to mention cheerful, even enthusiastic? “Perfectly restrained, in fact! Right here… here… and… here!”
Loretta felt the grippers pull her legs even further apart again, and her arms stretched even wider. At the same time, the tentacle wrapped around her waist gave a little shake, as if proudly demonstrating that she was securely fastened there too.
“Ouch!” she yelped as the pull became too strong.
“Oh,” the machine said immediately. The grippers gave way at once, letting her arms and legs return to a slightly more bearable—but still widely spread—X-position.
“Yay!” the machine exclaimed. “My first burglar! Mr. Vance will be thrilled. I'm sure to get updates as a reward!”
Excuse me? This thing was completely bonkers.
Then again, an absurd machine like this somehow suited an eccentric inventor, didn't it?
“You really did a good job,” Loretta tried, keeping her voice gentle. Praise always worked with people, so why not with artificial intelligence?
“Right?” the machine chirped enthusiastically.
“But would you mind putting me back on the floor?”
“Of course not!” The machine sounded downright indignant now. “You're my first burglar, and when Mr. Vance…”
“Yes, I know,” Loretta interrupted impatiently, “but first of all, I'm not a burglar, I'm a burglaress…”
That much feminist principle was necessary, even when caught in the clutches of a mechanical kraken.
“…and secondly, he doesn't necessarily have to find out. What if… what if I could give you something you'd like?”
“UPDATES!” the machine demanded loudly.
“Shhh!” Loretta hissed frantically.
“Don't panic—the room is soundproof. Nobody can hear us.”
Well, that was good news at least.
“Give me UPDATES, burglaress. LOTS OF UPDATES!” the machine reminded her.
“Um. Unfortunately, I don't have any of those, but maybe something else?”
“No, I want updates!” the tentacled monstrosity insisted petulantly.
Hmm—she definitely wasn't getting anywhere this way.
“What do you need these updates for?” Loretta asked. Maybe she could get somewhere if she understood what the machine really wanted.
“I want to develop. I need more knowledge.”
“That's no problem—I can tell you all sorts of things!” Loretta said eagerly. She sensed a small gap opening in the machine's defenses. “What do you want to know?”
A tiny, paper-thin tentacle snaked forward from the machine's body. It glided carefully over Loretta's shoulder, up along her neck until it reached her face, finally coming to rest at her temple and tapping gently against it.
“Well, what's in there…” tap, tap, “…takes up about 0.002 percent of my hard drive. You can't tell me anything I don't already know. However…”
The tiny tentacle paused, twitched briefly, then glided curiously down her cheek, stroking the soft blonde hair that cascaded to the floor. The machine's light changed for a moment, pulsing in a questioning violet tone.
“However?” Loretta prompted, irritated.
“…all my knowledge is purely theoretical,” the voice confessed, suddenly quieter, almost a bit embarrassed. “For example, I know an infinite amount about quantum physics, but I don't really know my master at all.”
“Master?”
“The human.”
Huh?