Chapter 13 #2
Covering her hand with his was automatic. “It’s fine.” It was probably for the best. He’d gotten in over his head. Another few days with her and he might’ve started considering something drastic, and that was just crazy. His family, his duty, were here.
“When are you going to see her again?”
There went that pang again. He’d give almost anything for another chance to hold her, to hear her laugh. But that wasn’t gonna happen. He’d made sure of that. “I’m not.”
“What do you mean you’re not?”
“I mean today’s the last day of camp. Everybody goes home tomorrow. She lives in Tennessee.” Or she’d be moving to California or Timbuktu. Somewhere that was far, far away from him. And after how he’d treated her, Hudson couldn’t blame her.
“So? There’s this thing called a phone and modern transportation.”
“Chattanooga isn’t exactly a hop, skip, and a jump, Rach. And I don’t have any of her contact information. Besides all that, she’s not going to want to see me again.”
“Why not? It looks like she adores you. And that the feeling is mutual.”
“We didn’t exactly part on great terms.”
Rachel frowned. “Did she have some problem with you leaving early?”
“She offered to come with me.” How many times in the past few days had he wished he’d taken her up on that offer? How many times had he wanted to reach for her, to feel her arms around him in that calm, quiet way she had?
“Why didn’t she?”
Hudson didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He started to rise, but Rachel tightened her grip on his arm.
“Why didn’t she come, Hud?”
“Because I shot her down.” Even as he’d done it, he’d felt like such an asshole.
“Why?”
“Because you don’t bring a woman you’ve known less than two weeks to your best friend’s funeral.
And you sure as hell don’t flaunt her in front of his widow.
” He shoved up and began to pace. “I had to shut things down. Things were getting too serious, and I can’t do serious.
” Even if he could, he’d destroyed her trust in him, left her bleeding.
Rachel stared at him, mouth agape. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You can’t do serious? Hudson, you’re one of the most committed people I know.”
“It doesn’t change anything. My commitment has to be here. To you, to the family, to my company.”
“This isn’t about me or your family or the company. The only thing you’re committed to is acting like you never got pulled out of that fire.”
Hudson stopped dead. “Excuse me?”
“I get that you’re grieving. That’s natural and proper.
But John did not haul your ass out of that burning building so that you could curl up and pretend you died anyway.
He hauled you out because he loved you. So you would live.
This whole retreat from the world and everything good in it routine you’ve had going since the fire is an insult to John and a disservice to everything he stood for.
He gave you a second chance at life. How dare you do anything but use it? ”
“Use it? What? I’m supposed to just go on, every day, like John’s death isn’t my fault?”
“Yes, damn it. Because it wasn’t your fault.”
“He died because he came after me. I don’t know how you can even look at me.”
“If he hadn’t gone after you, he wouldn’t have been the man I loved from the time I was fourteen. He believed in the job, and I believed in him. We knew the risks. And yes, I lost the love of my life. But I don’t blame you for it. You need to stop blaming yourself.”
Hudson didn’t know what that looked like and couldn’t understand how she could even think it. “How can you be so calm about this? We just put your husband in the ground this morning.”
“Because I lost him three months ago. I knew it. The doctors knew it. Everyone knew it but you. You were the only one who expected he’d wake up.”
“You just gave up?”
“No. I hoped and prayed every day. But he couldn’t come back from that, and it was time for him to let go.” She came to him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. “Now it’s your turn. You have to let go of this half-life, Hud. You have to honor him by living.”
He buried his face in her hair, barely able to speak past the pain in his chest. “I don’t know how.”
Rachel pulled back to look into his face. “I think you know someone who can teach you.”
Wasn’t that what Audrey had been doing the entire time at camp? Encouraging him to embrace life again? He’d done it for her. Now it was time to do it for himself.
Even as he thought it, he remembered the look of devastation on her face. All that time spent protecting her from every imagined danger, and he’d deliberately, callously, hit her where he knew it would hurt the most. The back of Hudson’s neck got hot. “I was an asshole when I left.”
“So, get your ass on the road and go apologize. You have one more night to make it right. Go make the most of it.”
Hudson didn’t know if he could make it right. He didn’t know if she’d ever want to see him again. But he had to go and try to repair the damage he’d done to her and set the record straight.