Chapter 14 #2
“Yeah. I had to see you.”
Over the sound system, Journey rolled into Thomas Rhett’s “Die A Happy Man.” Appropriate, if she’d forgive him. Hudson held out a hand. “Can I speak to you? Privately.”
She hesitated only a second before placing her hand in his. Sam took a step forward, but Charlie put a restraining hand on her arm. Audrey looked to her friend and gave a tiny shake of her head. Message received. Audrey still trusted him, at least a little. Sam clearly did not.
He wanted to wrap around Audrey, bury his face in her hair, and just hold her until his world righted again.
But he’d walked away from the right to do that.
So, Hudson led her outside to the pier instead.
It seemed appropriate to have this conversation here, where it had all started.
She’d been so hesitant that first time he saw her, when she’d followed him outside from the dance—so unsure of her reception.
She wasn’t hesitant now. Her stride was confident, her back straight.
This time he was the one who was uncertain.
Except, no, he realized. That hadn’t been the first time he saw her. He’d seen her across the lake that first afternoon. Even from that distance, he’d felt her sense of absolute peace. Envied it. He’d had that with her, for a time, and then he’d destroyed everything.
“I’m sorry.” He blurted it out, even knowing he was getting ahead of himself. “I know that doesn’t even begin to cover it. I was an asshole, and I hurt you.”
“Hudson, I get it. You were grieving.”
He didn’t deserve the understanding he saw in her face.
“Don’t make excuses for me. There is no excuse for how I treated you.
We both know why I did it, but I have to say it anyway.
” He had to get this right. Had to fix what he’d broken.
“You are the most compassionate person I have ever met. You completely overlooked the fact that I’m a surly, miserable bastard, and did everything you could to pull me out of the pit I’d fallen into.
And you did it. You brought me back to life in a very real way.
Then John died, and I just lost my shit. ”
“It’s okay. Really, I accept your apology.”
“No. No, it’s not okay. You offered yourself up to help me, to support me, and I hit at you in the worst possible way.
It’s not true. You don’t need rescuing all the time.
You’ve been rescuing yourself perfectly well without me.
” Hudson could feel himself losing control, hear the edge of it in his voice.
Because he realized, standing here, seeing her again, exactly what it was he’d thrown away.
He loved this woman, with her gigantic heart and fearless determination.
He wanted to reach for her but didn’t dare. Everything in him felt taut as a bowstring, ready to snap in two. He’d lost Steve. He’d lost John. Hudson didn’t think he could bear losing Audrey, too.
“The truth is, I’m the one who needed saving. I’ve been drowning. And I had to push you away because I wanted what you were offering so damned badly that if you didn’t back off, I was going to hold on and never let go.”
Audrey lost that carefully neutral expression, her eyes glimmering in the moonlight. “Hudson.” She stepped into him, wrapping her arms tight around his waist.
Thank God. Thank God.
He drew her against him, feeling something deep inside quiet as her body settled against his. He did wrap around her now, pressing his face to her hair, inhaling her scent, feeling the thud of her heart against his. Right and perfect. It felt like coming home.
As they stood in the quiet night, the sounds of the party a world away, Audrey held him and stroked his spine.
It was impossible not to think about the first time she’d seen him here—embraced him here—so aloof, holding himself back from life, from connection.
An island unto himself. Every step of drawing him out had been a journey of discovery.
And the real man had been so much more than her fantasies.
Before the call about John, he’d been a changed man, still caring and protective, but also fun and alive.
Vibrant. This Hudson was something else again.
He was hollow and wounded, and it was breaking her heart.
“I’m sorry. I’m so goddamned sorry.”
The remorse in his voice was so hard to hear. He hated himself for the things he’d said far more than she ever had—ever could—and that hurt her. God, he was so brittle. But he’d come back to her.
His words played over in her head.
I wanted what you were offering so damned badly that if you didn’t back off, I was going to hold on and never let go.
She didn’t want him to let go. Relief and elation burned away the misery of the past days, wiped out everything but the need to comfort him. So, Audrey held on and lifted her mouth to his.
He kissed her like a drowning man chasing a last breath of oxygen. His desperation, his fierceness, rocked her. She gave him everything she had, pouring out all the worry, all the tenderness she felt, until the tension slowly leeched out of him.
Breath not altogether steady, Audrey stood, her brow pressed to his. I love you. The words beat against her breast, desperate to get out, but she held them back. It was too soon, too…something. She’d pressed too fast before and he’d bolted. Instead, she said, “God, I missed you.”
“I missed you, too. More than I ever imagined. I’d have come back sooner but the funeral was today.” There was no mistaking the thread of pain underscoring his words.
She wanted to ask how it had gone, but that felt wrong, too. How did any funeral ever go? In any event, he’d survived it and come back to camp. For her. “I’ve been worried about you.”
“The whole time, I kept wishing you were there, wishing I’d said yes.” He cupped her face, rubbing a thumb along her cheek. “I wanted to call, but I—I never dreamed you’d forgive me.”
“Of course, I forgive you. I’d never hold your grief against you.”
Hudson stepped back, running his hands from her shoulders down her arms to take both her hands in his. “I know we said we wouldn’t talk about the end of camp. But I need to know you’ll give me another chance. A chance for something beyond camp, beyond these two weeks. A chance for something real.”
Beyond camp.
Reality came crashing back down on Audrey. Tomorrow it was back to the real world. The real world she’d made plans for without him. Plans that would take her to the other side of the country.
He rolled on, coming as near to babbling as she’d ever heard. “I know it’s fast. I know it’s crazy. But it was crazy that we found each other in the first place, crazy that we both came here. And I can’t just walk away after two weeks. It’s not enough.”
Her tongue wouldn’t work. Here he was offering her everything she’d been dreaming of since she’d met him—or at least the possibility of it. She wanted to take the leap, to grab on to this—to him—with both hands and not let go. And yet…
“Audrey?”
She hadn’t answered him.
“I got the job at Berkeley.” She said it automatically, because it impacted them, and he needed to know. But she knew at once that absolutely was not what he needed to hear right now.
Hudson pulled back. “Oh.”
“I haven’t accepted yet.” She rushed to say it, wishing she could reel the conversation back a few clicks and take back her announcement, at least until she had a chance to think about the details, the ramifications.
“But you’re planning to.” It wasn’t a question.
“I was. I’m supposed to fly back to California next week to meet with the department chair.” But she’d made the plans without him in the equation. She’d had no idea he would come back, no idea he would want to pursue things with her beyond camp.
“Congratulations.” Somehow, he managed to dig up a whisper of a smile, though his eyes were dark, devastated. It was like watching everything she’d built with him over the past weeks crumble.
“I can push it back. Take some more time for us to talk about this.” She was a fucking prodigy. Surely, she could come up with a way to make this work. “Maybe we can—”
“No.” There was no anger in his voice. Just a heart-wrenching resignation. “No, I think this is a sign.” He reached out to skim a hand over her cheek. “I’m grateful I got the chance to know you.”
Don’t do this. Don’t close this door.
But Audrey couldn’t see an alternative. She wanted to get back to her career, needed to get back to a true mental challenge.
That had been sorely missing in her life since the accident, and the prospect of having it back wasn’t something she could walk away from.
Even if money were no object, maintaining a long-distance relationship from one coast almost to the other was madness.
She couldn’t ask him to leave his family, his friends, his life for the prospect of what might be between them.
There was nothing she could say to give them any hope, and they both knew it.
Hudson held out his hand. “I want to dance with you.”
Heart squeezing, Audrey took it. They went back to the boathouse, back to the noise and the people.
As they stepped onto the dance floor, the music rolled into “The Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing.
How bittersweet and apropos. So many romantics watched that movie, convinced that Baby and Johnny stayed together.
But Johnny hadn’t come back to be with her.
He’d come back to make things right for her with her father, and to make things right between them before they said goodbye.
Because all that could ever be between those two people who lived in different worlds was that summer fling.