Chapter 8 #2
“I wouldn’t really be into that even if someone offered it. It would mean I was still around the game I don’t want to be around because it hurts. That’s fundamentally what all of it is about. I love it, and it also hurts. That’s why I’m even thinking about leaving. Is that crazy?”
“No. Grief is a powerful thing. And right now, you’re still riding the leading edge of it.
I’d love to tell you that it will fade. To some extent, it will.
But it’s not that you ever really get over it.
You just learn how to live with it. You’re the only one who can parse out whether this is a matter of the grief overshadowing everything else or if it’s permanently tainted the sport for you.
And that’s not likely an easy question to answer. ”
“No.” Brooks sat with that for a bit. “A big part of why it hurts is because much as I love hockey, it’s the thing that took me away from her.
It was the reason I wasn’t there. The reason she didn’t tell me she was sick.
She didn’t want to impact my career. So in a sense, I feel like hockey robbed me of my last possible time with her. ”
Aspen looked out over the lake, clearly considering.
“If you were something else—I don’t know…
a traveling salesman or corporate something or other who was frequently on the road for work—would you feel the same way?
Is it the job itself? Or is it that you feel guilty because you were doing something you love? ”
Damn, she wasn’t pulling punches. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Let’s shift gears into brainstorming, then. Do you have training to do anything else?”
“No. I didn’t go to college. I got into the AHL when I was a wet-behind-the-ears eighteen and never looked back.”
“Do you have any interest in college? Studying something else? Doing something completely different?”
“Honestly, I can’t imagine sitting still that long.”
“Fair. You lead a very active life, and there is a lot of butt-in-chairing involved in school.”
He studied her as she dipped her paddle smoothly into the water, gently propelling herself forward. “What do you do?” He realized this was the first time it had occurred to him to ask.
“I’ve got a degree in business, technically. But I have a little shop for planner stuff.”
“Planner stuff?”
“I design custom calendar and planner spreads, stickers, habit trackers, and other organizational tools.”
“Really? That’s a big thing?” Brooks couldn’t wrap his brain around that. “Don’t people just go down to Target and buy a pre-printed one?” As soon as the words were out, he wished he could bite his tongue. That had sounded incredibly dismissive.
But Aspen only laughed. “Yes, planners are big business.”
“Huh. I guess I’m not really a planner person. I don’t have to be. I have people to tell me where I’m supposed to be and when.”
She grinned. “It’s not for everyone. But for the people who are into it… yeah, they spend a lot to organize their lives.”
“I guess I can see that. Some people would pay a lot in the name of taking control of their lives.”
“True enough. I’m not making pro hockey money—whatever that is—but I make a living, and I enjoy what I do.”
He imagined she had some kind of little shop somewhere. Something neat and tidy, where she used all that Southern charm to lead customers to the thing that would best suit their needs. Even as the image bloomed in his mind, an odd disappointment filtered through him.
She had a business established. One she clearly loved. He couldn’t imagine asking her to even think of leaving that for him.
Startled at the thought, Brooks stopped paddling.
Shit. Was he actually thinking of asking her if she’d be willing to move?
For him? That was utterly ridiculous and selfish of him.
He couldn’t say they barely knew each other.
Not anymore. But it had only been a matter of days. It would be lunacy to ask that of her.
But… if he was considering retiring and doing something else… he could do that something else wherever she was. He hadn’t spent much time in Georgia, but surely he could find something to do. Wouldn’t it be worth trying it to find out if this thing between them was more than a mere distraction?
“Want to break for a swim?”
Aspen’s voice pulled him out of his contemplation.
“Sure.”
They beached their kayaks in a nearby cove, well down the shore from camp proper, then waded into the water again. As if magnetized, he automatically reached for her, tugging her close. Aspen cuddled in, running her hands over his chest and shoulders in obvious appreciation.
“So, you’re pretty strong.”
“Yeah.” Brooks didn’t miss the twinkle in her eyes. “What are you thinking?”
“Strong enough to prospectively do the lift from Dirty Dancing?”
Her hopeful expression had him laughing. “Why?”
She gestured expansively. “I mean, look at where we are! It feels like another one of those moral imperatives.”
“Wasn’t that movie set in the Catskills?”
“Yeah, but we’re close enough. So?”
“Well, that’s going to depend on your abs. I can lift your weight, no problem. But that particular move would require a lot of core strength. We can certainly try it here in the water, at least.”
The pursuit of fulfilling her latest fantasy took up all of his concentration as he worked to lift her over his head.
The process involved a lot of laughter and splashing and straight up fun.
That was something there’d been very little of in his life lately.
There’d been grief and there’d been hockey.
Which used to be fun, and probably would still be fun on some level.
But it was also work. Being with Aspen like this reminded him he needed more than that.
“Okay, okay. We’re gonna get it this time.” She braced herself, then took off running toward him through the water and leaping at the last second.
He caught her around the waist and lifted, and this time she didn’t over rotate and didn’t collapse.
Her arms spread wide and her body held stiff as he braced her over his head.
She sang a few off-key bars of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life.
” Then she took a nosedive into the water that toppled him as well.
Brooks came up sputtering to find her grinning in utter delight.
“We did it! Only for a few seconds, but it counts!”
“Hell yeah, we did!”
This woman made him happy. Pure and simple.
He knew his mom would love that and exactly what she’d say about what he should do.
Which meant he had a whole different problem. Because now that he’d been reminded of how much he loved being on the ice and how much he loved the game, he was thinking about going back.
But he was still thinking about leaving his career, not because of grief, but because of something that felt a whole lot like love.