Chapter 11
Eleven
“Are you okay?”
Aspen was most definitely nowhere in the vicinity of okay. But because Brooks seemed so miserable and had been essentially flagellating himself all afternoon, she tipped her head to his shoulder and lied through her teeth. “I’m fine.”
The in-depth article she’d read recounting her mother’s death had brought all the fear and grief she’d felt at eighteen back to the forefront.
Finding out that her mother was going to die.
That she wouldn’t be around for Aspen’s wedding or the birth of her children.
That she wouldn’t live to see Aspen graduate college.
Wouldn’t even make it to see her graduate high school.
They weren’t going to get any extra time.
No more tomorrows. No future of any kind.
Except this time, it wasn’t just the devastation of knowing she was losing the person she loved most in the world.
Now Aspen was living it all as if it was happening to her.
Because there was every chance that it was.
That the lump she’d found was a death sentence.
Over these past days with Brooks, she’d dared to have some kind of hope.
To believe that maybe… just maybe… there’d be a chance for more. That she’d get a reprieve.
But the reality was that even if this lump wasn’t the thing that would kill her, chances were, she’d end up with something worse later.
The genetic lottery was stacked against her, and she couldn’t lie to herself about it anymore.
How could she possibly be selfish enough to hurt Brooks like that?
How could she even consider asking him to be with her for the long term, with that risk hanging over her head?
She didn’t want to be someone else that he loved and lost. If he could even love her at all.
And she thought that maybe, after everything they’d been through, he could love her.
Eventually. It didn’t feel too arrogant to believe he was developing feelings for her as she was for him.
Which meant she had a choice to make. She could change her flight to go back on Sunday as she’d originally intended, getting home to Georgia in just enough time to make it to her biopsy on Monday.
Or she could go sooner, while things were still good between them.
Before she was forced to tell him the full truth.
There were no good options here. Either she hurt him with the reality of her situation, further traumatizing him in the wake of his mom’s death.
Or she hurt him by ghosting him and telling him nothing at all.
There was no means of getting out of this situation where either of them ended up unscathed.
But every day that passed, they got closer.
The kindest thing to do was leave before either of them got in any deeper emotionally.
The idea of it made her physically ill.
Why had she even agreed to all this in the first place?
She should’ve demanded her own cabin and hidden away.
Except she’d been selfish. Because this trip wasn’t about hiding.
It was about getting out there and embracing life to the fullest. Brooks had seemed to epitomize that.
He’d helped her break out of her comfort zone and really live in so many more ways than she’d anticipated.
“Respectfully, I think you’re full of shit. You’re not fine.”
Occasionally, it was very inconvenient to be seen.
Aspen straightened. “Okay, no, I’m not.” And as she pressed her brow to his, she didn’t know how she ever really would be again.
She couldn’t imagine not waking up to him in the morning.
Couldn’t fathom not having him in her life.
Didn’t know how the hell she was going to walk away.
“I wish there was something I could do.”
He’d said the same thing at least a dozen times since yesterday, and Aspen knew he’d do anything she asked. But it wasn’t like she could ask him to be less wonderful or to somehow give her more strength to get through what he didn’t even know was coming.
Except… maybe she could ask him for something that would get the same end result.
“You know what I would really love?”
“What?”
“Reese’s Cups. There’s that little service station and convenience store halfway to the next town. Boone’s? Maybe you could go pick some up?”
“That’s it? Some candy?”
“Eating my feelings seems kinda appealing just now. I haven’t actually had them in years.”
Brooks nodded once. “Mission accepted. Let’s go get you some Reese’s Cups.” He held out his hand.
“I don’t actually want to leave the cabin right now. It feels like everybody is looking at me.” Not a lie. Their foray out for lunch had made her feel as if she were under a microscope.
“Fair point. I shall brave the wilds beyond camp proper to satisfy your sweet tooth. Any second choices if they’re out of Reese’s?”
“Snickers is also a solid choice.”
“Got it.” He snagged his keys and hesitated. “Are you sure you’ll be okay here by yourself?”
“Yeah. I think I might just read a little. Or have a nap.”
“Okay. I’ll be back. And when I am, maybe we can Netflix and chill.”
Aspen arched a brow. “In which sense? The euphemistic kind or the literal?”
“Whichever your heart desires.”
She forced a smile and hoped he didn’t see the strain around the edges. “That’s a plan.”
He bent to brush a kiss over her lips, and Aspen couldn’t quite stop herself from framing his face and lingering just a few moments, doing her best to commit the taste and feel of him to memory.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
His smile was just a little crooked. “Anything for you.”
Then he was gone, trotting down the front steps and headed toward the parking lot.
Aspen waited until he was out of sight before hauling her suitcase out from under the bed.
Her hands shook as she yanked open drawers, gathering up clothes and dumping them into the bag.
She had to hurry. Had to get out of here before he got back because if she saw him again, she’d never actually be able to leave.
And she had to leave. It was what was best for him.
In less than fifteen minutes she was packed.
She made a call to the lodge to ask about transportation to the train station in Briarsted, explaining that she had an emergency and needed to leave early.
A staff member would be waiting at the parking lot in ten minutes.
After she hung up, she made one last sweep of the cabin to make sure she’d gotten everything.
At the door, she hesitated.
This was the right thing. It had to be.
Taking a firmer grip on her bag, she headed for the parking lot.
It took longer than Brooks wanted to find Reese’s Cups.
Boone’s had been out, so he’d trekked all the way to Briarsted to find somewhere still open that had some.
The dozen packs he’d bought were probably more than she’d be able to eat in one go, but he’d wanted so desperately to do something—anything—to make her feel better.
Because he knew exactly what it felt like to have a private grief splashed about for public consumption.
That had been his life for the past several months.
Understanding the desire to cocoon, he’d also bought popcorn and wine, in case she preferred to spend the remainder of their trip caved up in the cabin.
Hell, maybe he ought to look into booking them somewhere else.
Somewhere truly out of the public eye. There was bound to be somewhere she’d want to go where nobody knew who either of them was.
He was running through the options in his head as he carried his snack stash back to the cabin from the parking lot.
The best options were out of the country.
Maybe some tropical island or a country where hockey wasn’t even a sport.
Did she have a passport? It wasn’t like his was on him, so it would require a trip back to Denver to pick it up.
Unless he could get Colter or Grady to overnight it…
He trotted up the stairs and into the cabin. “Hey, Aspen, how do you feel about leaving the country?”
No answer.
At a glance, he could see the bathroom door was open.
Maybe she’d gotten stir crazy and decided to go for a run.
Except… Brooks didn’t see her e-reader on the nightstand. And her extra shoes weren’t lined up by the wall. Dropping his groceries on the bed, he checked the bathroom.
The counter was clear of her toiletries.
With a sick, sinking feeling, he dropped to one knee to check under the bed.
Her suitcase was gone.
“No. No, no, no, no, no.”
He’d thought they were okay. He’d believed they were in this together. Surely… Surely, she didn’t leave. Not again.
But what other explanation could there be?
She had no transportation. She hadn’t driven up here as he had, she’d ridden the camp bus from New York. So maybe she hadn’t actually managed to get off the property.
Yanking open the door, he started to bolt down the path, only to run into Heather Tully, the blonde who’d checked him in at the beginning of the week.
“Mr. Hennessy, I have something for you.” Her usually cheerful expression was worried as she extended an envelope.
His question of whether she’d seen Aspen died on his lips as he saw his name scrawled in her handwriting across the front. Numb, he mumbled, “Thanks,” and sank down on the top step to read.
Dear Brooks,
I know you’re angry right now. You have every right to be.
I almost didn’t leave this note, but that would have been too much like really ghosting you, and you’re too important to me to hurt like that.
The truth is that I had to go. We were both getting in too deep, too far in over our heads.
And the fact of the matter is that I’ve been keeping something from you.
You know that my mother died of a very aggressive form of breast cancer.
There is every chance that I am in the same boat.
Right before I planned this trip, I found a lump.
That was what precipitated this whole thing, because I realized that I hadn’t been living the life that I was given.
I know better than almost anyone how quickly that can be ripped away.
The idea that this is the only time that I’d get propelled me out of my comfort zone and my personal bubble to do all of these wonderful things.
It brought me to you.
I never set out to use you. I never set out to hurt you.
And I told myself that it would be okay because it was just for this week.
Then we’d separate, and you’d go on your merry way, never having to know if anything bad happened to me.
But I know you better now, and I don’t think I was alone in feeling like this could have gone somewhere.
Brooks, I can’t put you through that. I can’t hurt you that way.
I never planned to tell you any of this. I know this is going to hurt you. But knowing how devastated you were by the fact that your mom didn’t even tell you that she was sick, I couldn’t do the same. You deserve to know the reason.
I wish beyond anything you can imagine that things were different. That we could have had that chance. But I’m never so lucky, and you deserve better from someone who will be around for all the tomorrows.
Please know that these have been the best days of my life, and you are the best man I know.
Always,
Aspen
The bottom dropped out of Brooks’ world. If he hadn’t already been sitting, he’d have fallen to his knees.
Cancer. She was saying she had cancer. Or thought she did. And she’d run from him trying to protect him because she might be dying.
But it was too fucking late. He already loved her. That was what this brutal, tearing grief he felt meant. He loved her, and he hadn’t gotten the chance to tell her.
“Fuck this shit.”
He reached for his phone, determined to track her down. To talk about all of this. But he realized he still hadn’t gotten her contact information. It hadn’t been necessary because they’d been together almost every waking minute since they’d arrived at Camp Firefly Falls.
If Aspen was already gone—and since Heather had brought him this letter, chances were good that she was—he had absolutely no way to reach her.
She was alone. Maybe dying. And he couldn’t get to her. He buried his face in his hands.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Brooks looked up to find one of the women from the archery range standing on the path running past the cabin, looking concerned. “I… no.”
“Do you want me to go find your fiancée for you?”
His heart seized. “You can’t. She’s gone.”
“Gone?” She blinked in surprise. “Oh, Brooks, I’m so sorry.”
Confused, he looked back at her just in time to see her phone aimed in his direction, capturing his devastation for all to see.