Chapter 11 #2
Hours passed as she wandered, looking for…
what? Answers to why she felt so utterly wretched?
It wasn’t about Beckett. Or at least, it wasn’t all about him.
They’d more or less sorted the details of the long distance thing.
It would suck, as long distance always sucked.
But she believed they could survive it. What she wasn’t at all certain of any longer was whether she could survive being back here, in this life.
It was as if she’d been forced into an ill-fitting hair suit.
What had been familiar and normal now felt itchy and wrong. Like someone else’s skin.
She’d experienced a different side of herself at camp while she’d been acting, ironically, more like her sister.
It was tough to admit there’d been anything positive in that, but had she stuck purely to her own stubborn path, she never would’ve met Beckett.
But was she so changed by the experience that she truly couldn’t come back?
Or was this simply an epic case of post-vacation blues because she hadn’t taken true time off in longer than she could remember?
Exhausted and no closer to any sort of answer, Sarah dragged herself back to her apartment.
The music spilling from behind her closed door had her bracing, not out of fear but of temper.
She knew that playlist. She let herself inside and found Taryn stretched out on the corduroy sofa, bare feet twitching to Tracy Chapman, completely at home in a space that wasn’t even hers.
When Sarah had given her a key years ago, she hadn’t truly expected her to use it.
Taryn took one look at her and swiveled her feet to the floor, stopping the music mid chorus. “You’re still mad.”
Suddenly all the frustration, all the angst she’d been wrestling came boiling out.
“Of course I’m still mad! Yet again, you have disrupted my perfectly ordered life with all your chaos and irresponsibility.
Not only didn’t I get a single word written on my thesis while I was up there, I met the perfect guy.
And then I had to leave him to come back here because you ruined any chance that I might be able to make something work up there because you couldn’t even follow through on your own lunatic plan.
Which, by the way, would never have worked.
Not to mention I was fucking terrified when I didn’t hear from you when I was supposed to. I don’t want this.”
“Want what, exactly?”
“This stress. These incompatible wants. My life was fine before I put it on hold to help you out—again—and now I don’t know if I can go back to it!”
Taryn’s brows arched toward her hairline. “First off, I’m sorry I worried you. Truly. I had no idea my boss hadn’t notified you like I asked. Second, was your life really fine if you don’t want to go back to it?”
Because that was too close to the question she’d been asking herself all afternoon, Sarah just glared at her twin.
“I saw how you looked at Beckett. More, I saw how he looked at you. I think you need to do something you’ve never done in your life.”
Still riding on temper, Sarah couldn’t quite hold back the sarcastic sneer. “And what’s that?”
“I think you should quit.”
The mere suggestion of it had her back going up. “Excuse me?”
“All our lives, you’ve put the expectations and happiness of everyone else ahead of you.
You’ve stuck out a million and one things you don’t actually like, that don’t make you happy or fill you with joy or purpose, because you didn’t want to upset someone.
When are you going to realize that you are the one who matters most in your life?
I know you think I’m irresponsible and flighty, and no question, I’ve made some dumb decisions.
But it’s led me to a life I honestly love.
And maybe it doesn’t have the degree of stability that you’d prefer, or the prestige to satisfy that sense of competition, but it’s mine.
“It’s more than obvious that you care for Beckett.
You want time with him… then make that time.
Take a risk on him. If it doesn’t work out, school will still be there on the other side.
With your credentials, there’s no way they won’t let you back in.
But what if it does work out? What if he’s your perfect match, and you’re prioritizing a degree you’re apathetic about in a city you’ve grown to hate to appease…
who? Give yourself permission to fail and not have all the answers for once.
Sometimes the right answer is one you’d never have considered at all. ”
It so much echoed what Beckett had been trying to tell her, but somehow it was harder coming from her sister, and that just pissed Sarah off. It was so easy for Taryn to say “Just quit.” It wasn’t her life. But Sarah couldn’t deny she’d made some good points.
Taryn rose to her feet and moved toward the athletic sandals she’d kicked off. “Look, I went back to talk to the Tullys before I left.”
Sarah frowned, wondering where she was going with this. “Did you sweet talk them into hiring you anyway?” That was pretty much on brand for Taryn. And it usually worked out for her.
“No. I talked them into hiring you.”
“What?” She couldn’t have heard that right.
“If you want the job, the one that you just did the orientation for, the one that I was supposed to have, it’s yours.
They’re willing to hire you. So the option is on the table for you to do exactly what I think you want to do and spend the summer at Camp Firefly Falls with Beckett, while you figure out what the hell comes next. ”
Flabbergasted, Sarah could only stare. Taryn had gone out on a limb and made this effort… for her. And she’d pulled it off. The band that had been constricting Sarah’s chest since she’d left loosened a little. Because it was what she wanted.
Her phone vibrated with a text.
Compulsively, she flipped it over, in case it was Beckett. But it was her thesis advisor.
Dr. Osborne: Hope you made it safely back. Looking forward to meeting with you tomorrow. Lots of exciting things to discuss!
Her normal life was calling, and one way or the other, she had to give it an answer.
Taryn scooped up the bags she’d piled in the corner and moved toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
Her twin flashed a smile. “I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet. But it’s long past time for me to manage my own life and stop depending on you to help me fix my mistakes. You need to be more like me right now, and I need to be more like you.”
Crossing the room, she wrapped Sarah in a hug. “I love you, sis. And I’ve not said it enough that I appreciate everything you’ve done to help save me from myself all these years.”
With one last squeeze, she was gone, leaving Sarah alone with her thoughts.