Chapter Eighteen
Noelle hesitated as she looked at Jeremiah. Last weekend she’d asked him a personal question about why he’d changed his lifestyle. She figured he was allowed to ask her a personal question in return. Plus, she was intrigued that he wanted to know something personal about her.
“Sure,” she said.
“Why did you drop out of college?”
His tone was genuinely curious. She didn’t detect any signs of judgment. But the story behind why she’d dropped out embarrassed her, and she didn’t love talking about it.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” he said quickly, noticing her strained expression. “I’m sorry if I’m being nosy.”
“You’re not being nosy,” she said. “It’s a reasonable question to ask.”
She could lie and come up with a nobler, less scandalous reason as to why she’d dropped out.
But he’d been open with her when she’d asked her personal question.
She wanted to be open with him too. Even though they were lying to other people about their relationship, she found that she didn’t want to lie to Jeremiah.
So, she told him the truth. She told about winning the essay contest and scholarship money her senior year of high school.
She told him about how she’d loved the camaraderie in the dorms at UMD, and how being surrounded by people was something she’d craved back then as an only child.
Jeremiah nodded, listening attentively. They walked by a house with wind chimes dangling outside the door, providing background music for their slow stroll.
Then she told him about meeting CJ her junior year and everything that happened after her RA found his alcohol in her dorm room.
Losing her scholarship and moving back home.
“Who the fuck is your stupid-ass ex?” Jeremiah asked fiercely when she finished talking.
She shouldn’t have found his anger so endearing, but she did, because he was angry on her behalf.
“Nobody,” she said. “He’s irrelevant now.”
“He’s an idiot, that’s what he is,” Jeremiah huffed. “I’m so sorry he did that to you, Noelle.”
“Yeah, me too,” Noelle said. “He was young and scared. I’d like to think that he’d make a different decision today, but who knows.
Anyway, I would have kept trying to find ways to come up with the money after it happened, but my mom got into a car accident that summer, and she was in the hospital for a while.
I thought it was more important to stay home and help her than going back to school.
And I realized that I didn’t have a real plan where college was concerned anyway.
I didn’t want to use my sociology degree toward a job.
I only knew that I wanted a fulfilling career that provided a stable salary.
It took me a long time to find out what I wanted to do. ”
Jeremiah gently brushed his hand against hers. “I’m really sorry about your mom. Is she better now?”
“Oh yeah.” Noelle smiled softly. “She still has back pain sometimes, but thankfully she’s doing okay.
She got married a couple years ago, and she and my stepdad live in South Carolina now.
They’re teachers, so they came up to visit me in June once the school year ended.
I miss her a lot but I’m happy that she’s happy. ”
They reached the corner of Hawthorne Street.
The Smith house was to their left. The beach was to their right.
Noelle could hear the ocean from here, like it was calling to her.
To them. Like the ocean didn’t want them to leave the vulnerable territory they’d crossed into.
Once she and Jeremiah returned to the house, they’d have to perform in front of his family again. Right now, they were being real.
“Do you want to sit on the beach?” Jeremiah asked.
She nodded, glad that he wanted to prolong this time with just the two of them too.
They walked to the beach, and they took off their shoes and walked barefoot on the cold sand. The beach was empty, and she and Jeremiah sat with their knees pulled up to their chests, facing the ocean.
“So when did you know that you wanted to be a librarian?” Jeremiah asked.
“I started reading a lot while my mom was in the hospital,” she said.
“I was stressed and scared, and a really nice librarian showed me around the library and recommended books to me. Reading saved my mental health. It changed everything for me, honestly. I realized that I wanted to help people like that librarian had helped me.”
“Is that why you do the bridesmaid jobs too?” he asked. “Because you like helping people?”
“Partially, yeah.” She glanced down as she ran her fingers through the sand.
“But I mainly do it for the money. Once I get my bachelor’s degree, I’ll have a stronger chance at finding a decent-paying full-time job.
And hopefully after I get my MLS and become a librarian, I’ll have a stable career that I love, and I won’t have to constantly worry about money.
Sometimes it frustrates me that I took so long to find out what I really wanted to do with my life, but I’m trying my best to just work toward the goal and not give up on myself.
It’s hard not to feel ashamed about what happened while I was at UMD, though. ”
“I don’t think you should feel ashamed,” Jeremiah said, taking hold of her hand.
“The reason that you lost your scholarship wasn’t even your fault.
Not finishing your degree doesn’t take away from your character.
You’re still you, Noelle. Trying to help your ex—who was undeserving of your help, by the way—was selfless.
Staying home to help your mom was selfless too.
You’ve had some setbacks, but that’s more to do with the fucked-up distribution of wealth in our country than anything.
The only reason I’m in the position that I’m in now is because my grandparents poured their blood, sweat, and tears into making Smith’s Sweets a success, despite every obstacle put in their way as Black business owners.
They were good people who wanted better for themselves and their family.
You’re the same, Noelle. You’re a good person.
I’ve met plenty of people who’ve graduated from the top universities in this country, and a lot of them are assholes.
I’d choose you over them any day. There’s nothing that you should be ashamed about. ”
She blinked, taken aback by the intensity of his tone. There was a lot that he’d said just now, but of course her brain snagged on, I’d choose you.
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it,” he said. “And I understand what you mean about not giving up on yourself too.”
She looked at him. “You do?”
“Yeah, my situation isn’t the same as yours, and I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to make a comparison there.
I’m very aware that my life has been easier, especially financially, because I was born into different circumstances.
But what I’m saying is that I understand how it feels to take longer to find your footing.
Amara and Percy always knew what they wanted.
Amara had her art, and as the oldest, Percy was expected to take over everything one day.
Growing up, to most people, I was Percy’s less smart brother.
” He laughed and looked down at his hand that was still pressed against hers.
“But I was personable. I made a lot of friends. People knew that if they chilled with me, they’d have fun.
Being the life of the party took my mind off thinking about where I stood in my family and whether or not I measured up to everyone else.
After college, my mom gave me a job at in the marketing department at Smith’s Sweets, but I didn’t take it seriously enough.
” He inhaled a deep breath. “Before my grandfather died, he encouraged me to make something of myself. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now, starting fresh.
Even when I was screwing up, I’d only ever wanted his approval.
I valued his opinion above anyone else’s. ”
He cleared his throat and averted his face. He pulled his hand away from Noelle’s in order to dust sand off his shins.
She had a feeling that this was the most Jeremiah had admitted to someone in a long time, if ever. She realized how important this admission was, how fragile.
“In my opinion, you’re just as impressive as your siblings,” she said softly. “You were brave enough to branch out on your own. I think your grandfather would be proud of you.”
He chewed on his bottom lip and huffed a quiet, humorless laugh. “I hope so.”
Noelle felt exposed as she looked at Jeremiah. Like the thin, opaque wall they’d erected in the name of their agreement was slowly lowering.
“Thank you for telling me about college and your mom,” he said. “I know you didn’t have to.”
She smiled, like it wasn’t a big deal. But the reality was that they’d made the choice to open up to each other and there was no turning back now. The realization made her heart beat faster and her skin tingle. She rubbed her arms.
“Are you cold?” Jeremiah asked, and she nodded, pretending that was the reason for her sudden chills. He stood and held his hand out toward her. “Ready to go home?”
“Yeah.” She grabbed his hand and let him pull her to her feet. Locking hands only made her skin tingle even more, like little lovebugs were crawling across her fingers. The butterflies were trying to make a comeback too, and she reminded them that Jeremiah wasn’t her real boyfriend.
It was quiet inside the house when they returned.
“Everybody’s probably asleep or in their rooms,” Jeremiah whispered.