48. Emmy
One week later, we leave Snowflake in Chloe’s care and fly into Newark to get my condo ready for the movers. While I haven’t agreed to stay in Elliott Springs forever, I can see myself being in California for the next year, so I’m going to rent my condo out for a while and see how it goes.
I’m starting to not mind my old hometown quite as much as I once did. Jeannie has proven incapable of keeping her mouth shut, so an increasing number of residents know I helped both her and Liam—which means business owners are asking me for advice, and strangers smile at me as I walk down the street. The last bit seems like overkill, but I guess it’s all right. I once loved my anonymity in New York City, but I might actually enjoy my lack of anonymity even more.
Even Bradley smiles, in a half-assed Bradley sort of way. The angel she received from my dad only held a note of apology and a promise that he was going to try to make things right. She groused about it, but it also seemed to settle some anger she held toward him and me. I’m slowly getting over the anger I felt toward her too. If I had to choose one outcome, her life or mine, I’d definitely take mine.
Liam is the bright spot that makes everything else worthwhile—although he’s become progressively less chipper since the New York City skyline came into view.
“What’s up?” I ask. “It’s too late to decide helping people move sucks, you know.”
His returning smile is small. Forced. “I’m worried you’re going to miss it.”
“The majestic beauty of the New Jersey Turnpike makes you wonder if I’m going to miss the city?”
“I’ve been to New York City before, Em. There’s slightly more to it.”
What really worries him, I think, is that I’ve left this open-ended. I’ll still own the condo. I can always change my mind. And he’s right—there is more to it. I know that there will be quiet mornings when I walk the streets of Elliott Springs and long for slightly more chaos. There will be nights when I long for more opportunity—I never ate Thai food at three a.m., but I liked knowing I could.
But those joys are nothing compared to the joy of my life as it is now—of waking up next to Liam and describing how I’ll kill the rooster, mostly to make him laugh and in part because I want to kill the rooster. Or being home at night when he arrives and pulls me close, as if he’s missed me too.
For every single thing I liked about my life up here, there’s a counterpoint in Elliott Springs—Liam—and it’s always better. It’s one I don’t just like but love.
“I bet you missed home when you left for college, right?” I ask. I didn’t, but most people do. “But you were also so happy at school that you didn’t think about it much. Well, that’s New York for me. What I have in its place is so much better that there’s almost no space inside me to miss it. I had something I liked. Now I’ve got someone I love. And that’s entirely different.”
“It’s about fucking time you said it,” he grumbles, squeezing my hand tight.
I laugh, resting my head on his shoulder. “I sort of figured you already knew.”
“I did,” he says, his voice softening. “I just wasn’t sure you knew.”
We get to 76th Street. The driver double parks while cars honk at us because someone is already illegally parked in front of the building. I add honking to the list of things I won’t miss.
Giorgio does a double take—he’s never seen me in jeans and a ponytail. “Miss Hughes?” he asks, eyes wide. “You’re finally back?”
“Not for long,” I reply. “I’m moving to California. This is Liam, my…” I trail off because boyfriend sounds so dumb, so childlike.
“Boyfriend,” he supplies. It clearly doesn’t bother Liam. He turns to me and shakes his head, as if he’s trying to hold in a smile. “That shouldn’t have been such a hard one for you.”
“Well, we’re sure gonna miss you, Miss Hughes,” Giorgio says as he follows us inside.
I try to remember why I hated him so much back in the day and I don’t have much of an excuse. He’s a nice guy who enjoys small talk. I’ve really changed during the past few months, I guess.
He follows us all the way back to the elevator. “But I bet you won’t miss this weather up here, eh? I’m sweating the minute I walk outside in this suit, let me tell ya.”
Yes, I’ve really changed. Too bad Giorgio won’t be around to benefit from it.
The elevator door opens. Giorgio holds it, still talking, while Liam and I walk in. And then we’re both inside and he…continues to hold the door so he can finish his dumb story and then begin a new one.
“I was just telling my wife the other day…” he says, and something inside me starts to die. “I said, ‘Stacy, we need to get ourselves somewhere where it never gets above eighty.’ And she says, ‘Where’s that, Giorgio? Iceland?’”
He releases the door at last. Liam starts to laugh as we hit the second floor. “I bet that guy annoyed the living shit out of you.”
“He did. He still does, apparently. And I was starting to think I’d changed.”
He pulls me against him, nuzzling my neck. “You know what? We never talk about the weather. We should do that more. Every single day. At length.”
“I’ll kill you in your sleep. The rooster for practice, then you.”
He laughs. I’ve found the one man alive who will laugh when I threaten to kill him. How have I gotten so lucky?
We get to my apartment, and when the door opens, I try to see it through his eyes. For what I paid for this place, we could buy an entire block of houses in Elliott Springs. And yet…it’s empty. The gray travertine floors are cold, the light filtering through the floor-to-ceiling windows is dim, and inside there is not a single personal item—not even my degrees. No pictures or throw blankets or pillows. I’ve stayed in hotels that felt more personal.
I stripped my world bare so it would feel as if I were a new person, one without my past. But I remained who I was anyway, floating around in an empty life.
I wasn’t happy in this condo. I wasn’t happy when I was at work. The closest thing I ever felt to happiness was triumph, and it took being around Liam to realize they’re not the same thing.
Happiness is quieter, warmer. It spreads through your blood like water rising toward the banks of a river but never overflowing it. It’s more stable than triumph ever was and doesn’t have its sharp bite—the tang of blood that accompanies it.
I want to keep feeling happiness, but triumph—at least the way I’ve experienced it in the past—is something I’m done with.
“I’m going to sell,” I tell him.
His eyes widen. “You are? I thought you said it was a good investment.”
I shrug. “It is. But other things are good investments too. And…I like knowing this part of my life is over. Everything I want, I’ve already got.”
There’s not a bone in my body worried that I’ll end up regretting this decision. The world remains an uncertain place, but Liam…he’s the one thing I know I can count on.
I left here to destroy everything he loves.
Thank God I was so bad at it.