Chapter 41
“Hey,” Caden called out, drawing me out of my rather foreboding thoughts. “What are you thinking? Don’t say ‘nothing.’ I can tell you went somewhere.”
I didn’t know how to tell him what I was thinking because I had no idea. As his gaze searched mine intently, it occurred to me that he wasn’t so much questioning what I was thinking, but more if my mind had taken a vacay and left the building. I returned to staring at the bandage. “I’m still here.”
“Bri—”
“Anyway, this is good news for you, right? The threat with the Queen basically being over?” I asked.
“You can get to doing whatever a King of fae does. You can get married to your Queen.” The words tasted like ash on my tongue, but they also brought forth an odd sense of deja vu.
Like there was something more to that. “I’m sure Tatiana is ready to be Queen. Or maybe you’ve already done that.”
“I haven’t.”
The flash of relief couldn’t be stopped, and I didn’t even want to acknowledge that.
Accepting that I still loved Caden was one thing.
Being happy to hear that he hadn’t gotten married was a whole other level of WTFery.
“Then you should probably get on that. ‘The Court wants their King and Queen united,’” I parroted back what I knew he’d said to me.
Bizarre how I could remember that but still not remember Ren’s last name.
“We’ll talk about all of that later.”
My brows furrowed, and the dull flare of pain smoothed it right back out. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“There’s a whole lot to talk about.” He rose from the chair. “But you need to get some rest and get better before Tink gets back and realizes that we all lied to him about you.”
“You did?”
“We didn’t tell him that you were missing.
Ivy knew that if we told him, he would be out there looking for you.
Him falling into the hands of a Winter fae is too much of a risk,” Caden explained, and that made sense.
For someone as goofy as Tink, he was incredibly powerful.
“We told him that you’d been sent on assignment with the Order. ”
“Really?” I replied dryly.
“It was Ivy’s idea. Tink believed it.”
“He’s…he’s going to be so mad when he finds out you all lied.”
“Yes, he is.”
“Going to be mad at you.” My gaze shifted to him.
A small, lopsided grin appeared. “I’m the King.”
“Doesn’t that make you an even bigger target for people to be mad?”
“Not in my world.”
I sighed.
“Plus, he loves me. So, I figure he will direct his anger at Ivy and Ren.”
“Nice.”
His gaze flickered over me, lingering on the left side of my face. I had a feeling that side looked particularly messy. Sadness crept into his warm eyes, along with what I easily recognized as guilt.
“This wasn’t your fault,” I told him.
“We’re going to have to disagree on that.”
“No, we don’t. You…” I blinked rapidly as an image of Aric formed. “You didn’t do this to me. Aric said…he said he knew I’d been looking for him.”
“This wasn’t your fault either.” Caden sat on the bed, planting a hand on either side of my hips, startling me.
I tensed as my heart turned over. He pulled back, lifting his hands.
“Nothing that was done to you was your fault, Brighton. It wouldn’t matter if you walked right up to him. He did this.”
“And it’s not your fault either.”
Caden turned his head. A muscle flexed along his jaw. “I know why he took you. I knew why before I saw you in that tomb, in that…” He trailed off, releasing a rough breath. “I wish he was still alive so I could rip him apart, finger by finger, limb from limb.”
Part of me thought I knew why, too. That Aric had told me, and it was important. All of it.
“There is something… I can’t remember.” I moved my head from side to side like it would somehow jar the memories loose. Of course, that didn’t work. Frustration rose. “I can remember things that don’t matter, but I know there is more.”
“As you begin to heal, your memory should also mend itself.”
I barked out a short laugh. “I know that’s not always the case.
My mom…” I pressed my lips together, ignoring the pain.
“She had good days, and then days where it was like she wasn’t there.
She didn’t really know who I was or that she was at home.
And her memory? It was never the same. Whole years were forgotten, and they only had her for a few days.
Aric fed on me…” I swallowed at the blast of heat that rolled off the King.
“It was a lot, and there were times in that chamber where I…I had no idea where I was, how I got there, and I’d have to remember who I was.
That could happen again, and there’ll be nothing I can do.
Even if it’s just a couple of hours, I’m going to lose parts of myself. ”
“That’s not going to happen to you,” Caden swore.
My gaze shifted back to him. His face blurred. “You can’t say that. You don’t know that.”
“You’re right.” Caden slowly reached for my hand, and when I didn’t react, he picked it up, holding it loosely in his warm grasp. “But I was wrong.”
“Really? You’re admitting that you’re wrong? About what exactly?”
That small smile returned. “I doubted your strength. Instead of forcing you out of the hunt for Aric, I should’ve included you.
I was…it doesn’t matter right now what I was trying to do, but none of us should’ve forced you out.
That includes Ivy and Ren, and the Order, and any of our warriors. We were wrong.”
Hearing that meant a lot. It really did.
“I don’t know everything you suffered, but I know enough to confidently say that very few people could’ve gone through what you did and be here right now.
Not only that, to kill him…your only source of potential freedom without believing anyone was coming for you?
That was not only strong, but also incredibly brave.
The latter is something all of us need to face,” he said, and I opened my mouth, but he continued, his voice rough.
“You were willing to sacrifice yourself. In a way, you did. I believe you will heal far better than you fear, but even if you don’t, you will be okay. I will ensure it.”
He would ensure it? How? He was the King, one I imagined had duties beyond taking care of me if or when I roamed off in a state of confusion. And besides, he was about to get married.
MARRIED.
I doubted his soon-to-be Queen would be thrilled about that, and the last thing I needed in my life was one more pissed-off fae becoming psychotic and gunning for me.
And I really didn’t need to be reminded days, weeks, or even years from now of why Caden felt he needed to ensure that I was okay.
Staring at our hands, I welcomed the burn in the center of my chest only because that sensation was a dose of reality.
Caden wasn’t here because he felt for me what I did for him.
He wasn’t promising to be there for me while I dealt with the consequences of…
of what Aric had done. We weren’t partners in the way that made people stick together through sickness and health and all that jazz.
What I felt for him wasn’t returned, at least not to the same degree.
That much was obvious since he was engaged to someone else.
He was here because he felt guilt, because he felt pity.
And he felt responsible for me.
It took nothing to see his expression when I freaked out over the glass of water. I squirmed a little, embarrassed.
Out of all the things I was having trouble remembering, I hadn’t forgotten how he had looked at me before. Even when he was angry with me or we were arguing, he stared at me like he could barely restrain himself from leaping on me and taking me to the ground—or against a wall. I shivered.
Now, he looked at me with a mixture of pity and horror, guilt and regret, and seeing that sat like a lead ball in the pit of my stomach.
And that was the worst part about everything that had become of us. I’d gone from respected and desired, even if reluctantly, to someone Caden pitied. I didn’t need time to recover to see that clearly.
I already saw it.
Uncomfortable in my own skin, I pulled at my hand, and he let go. I clenched the blanket. “I really am tired. I think I need some sleep.”
Caden was quiet for several moments. “I’ll be back with something to eat in a few hours after the healer sees you.”
“You don’t have to. “
“I know.” He placed his hand over mine, gently prying my fingers loose. “I want to.”
My gaze shot to his. “More like you need to.”
“That, too.”
“I’m sure someone else can bring me something. You have to be busy, and Tatiana—”
“We will talk about that later,” Caden interrupted. “I’ll be back.” Lifting my hand, he kissed the top of it, surprising me once more. “Get some rest.”
Caden was standing and already at the door before I had the chance to process what he’d done.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder at me.
“I was wrong about a lot of things, Brighton. Things I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for, but things we will discuss when you’re better. When you’re ready.”
I really had no idea what Caden thought we needed to talk about. What kind of paper he and his soon-to-be Queen were going to use for their wedding announcements?
Did fae even send invites?
I had no idea, but about five minutes after Caden had left, there was a knock on the door, and Ivy poked her head in.
“Hey,” she said, stepping inside. “It’s Ivy—”
“I know who you are.” My cheeks flushed as I toyed with the blanket.
“Sorry.” She cringed.
“It’s okay.”
Her face smoothed out. “We ran into Caden, and he said you were awake. You up for a quick visit with me and the doc? She wants to check you over.”
I nodded. “Sure.”