Chapter Thirty-Two
The Funeral Fiasco
Wilder
I’ve never been to a funeral before. I didn’t even own black socks until two hours ago. I’m unprepared.
But I’m here.
Ingrid holds my hand as we walk up the damp concrete walkway to the church.
It’s a small brick building on the edge of town lined with red rosebushes.
On the outside, it doesn’t look so intimidating, but inside?
That’s a whole different story.
There’s a picture of Margot sitting at the front, her charcoal black urn displayed on a small, makeshift stage. There’s lots of flowers. All different colors and varieties. If I had to guess, I’d say Elowyn chose every flower possible.
And then I wonder if our father was there to pick with her.
Or did he leave her to carry all of this alone?
Did I?
“We should say hello to your sister,” Ingrid suggests somberly.
There’s a crowd that’s gathered in the far corner. They look like Margot. Probably her family.
Other than me, I don’t see anyone from my father’s side of the family. Not any of his brothers, their wives, or my cousins.
When he wrote me off, it looks like they wrote him off, too.
But Elowyn.
Another thing we both missed out on because of his choices.
“Yeah,” I finally answer. “We should.”
There’s an older woman talking with Elowyn when we approach. But she notices and tells Elowyn she’ll find her later.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Ingrid tells her as she hugs her.
Elowyn’s eyes fill with tears as she looks up at me.
I don’t know what to say. Or do.
Ingrid lets her go and Elowyn moves toward me. I give her an awkward hug and we quickly part ways.
“I wish we were seeing each other under different circumstances,” Elowyn says, shifting from one foot to the other.
“I should have helped you with all of this,” I exhale. Why didn’t I help her?
“I, um, figured it out,” she says cryptically.
Ingrid gives me a confused look, but I ignore the urge to ask how.
“Would you two mind sitting with me?” Elowyn asks us.
Her eyes land on the door and her eyebrows shoot up. I turn to look and see Cash wandering in, a bouquet of pink flowers in his hand.
Weird.
“Do you mind if Cash sits with us, too?” I ask her.
Elowyn shakes her head. “I don’t mind.”
The pastor of the church appears at the front. “Please take your seats. We’re going to get started.”
I glance around as Cash gets closer. No sign of our sperm donor. Huh. This is his wife’s funeral. The woman he chose.
Then, in a twist of events I definitely don’t see coming, my mother and grandparents walk in.
Ingrid squeezes my hand gently.
“Um…” I begin as Elowyn finally notices them. “I didn’t know they were coming.”
“I invited them,” Elowyn explains, then looks a little guilty. “I know they’re not my family, but they’re your family. And I…” She gnaws on the inside of her cheek and I think my chest cracks wide open.
She just lost her mom and she’s thinking about my family? My mom? My grandparents?
“Come on,” I say as I motion toward them. “I want to formally introduce you.”
“Yeah?” Elowyn’s face lights up.
Ingrid lets my hand go and stays back with Cash.
“Mom,” I say when I reach her.
She gives me a sad smile. “I hope this is okay,” she whispers.
I nod. “This is Elowyn,” I introduce her. “Elowyn, this is my mom, Taya.”
Elowyn holds out her hand, but Mom shoves me aside and gives her a hug.
For a long second, she just holds onto Elowyn, like years of anger and grief are slowly leaving her body and she’s holding onto the only thing that makes sense of it all.
Grandma and Grandpa sneak past us. Grandpa murmurs that they’ll take their seats near the front.
Then, Mom finally lets Elowyn go.
Tears are falling down both their faces.
And for the first time since I decided to move to New York, I wonder if Elowyn will be okay.
“Would you like to sit with us?” Elowyn asks Mom.
“I don’t want to make your dad uncomfortable,” Mom replies.
Elowyn exhales. Hard. “He’s probably not going to make it.”
Mom clears her throat. “He’s never been good at this kind of stuff.”
“You mean life?” Elowyn bitterly replies.
“It doesn’t matter how anyone else shows up,” Mom says firmly. “Only how you do.”
Elowyn nods.
“You’re not responsible for his choices,” Mom continues. “Whether he’s here or not, that’s not on you.”
“Where have you been all my life?” Elowyn sniffles.
Mom looks to me. “I’m here now.”
We walk up to the front row with Elowyn as the choir begins singing.
Everything is a blur as a few people give speeches about how great Margot was. I wish I could say I knew her well enough to figure out if they’re telling the truth or not.
Elowyn speaks next. Just a short story about getting lost at the mall when she was five and screaming for her mom at the top of her lungs until she was found.
She can’t scream for her anymore, and it hits me how different our lives have been.
I learned early on that people come and go. Elowyn is learning that a little later in life. And I can tell it’s not a lesson that’s easy for anyone.
But a necessary one.
“You’re staying for refreshments, right?” Elowyn asks us.
“Of course,” Mom answers. Then, she turns to me. “Did she do all of this by herself?”
“I think so.”
“I hate that lying, piece of shi—”
“Mom,” I quietly interrupt. “We’re in a church.”
Mom rolls her eyes. “God’s heard worse.”
“Maybe we can just say it outside,” I suggest. “Far away from…” I trail off as my gaze lands on the Jesus stained-glass window.
“Fine,” Mom caves.
We make our way to the little reception room off to the left.
Ingrid stays on one side of me, and Cash on the other.
Together, we form a semi-circle around Elowyn as Mom stands next to her with an arm wrapped around her.
“It’s funny,” Ingrid murmurs as she nudges me with her elbow. “All this time, you thought you were missing out. But… you weren’t.” She gazes up at me lovingly. “Half the people here for Elowyn are yours,” she whispers. “They didn’t even know her, Wilder. But they showed up anyway.”
I lean down and kiss Ingrid.
Because she’s right.
I’ve spent years thinking that I wasn’t worthy of good things because of my dad, the Allreds, even Olivia-Sophia.
But that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
My semi-circle might be small, but it’s stronger than most people’s.
We eat little cucumber sandwiches and snack on an array of veggies and dips. Ingrid tells Elowyn at least a dozen times how sweet and thoughtful she is. And Mom does the same.
People stay for a little while, but then they slowly all file out until it’s just us left with Elowyn.
That’s the exact moment he decides to show up. Drunk.
“What did I miss?” Dad yells as he stumbles into the reception hall.
Mom steps in front of Elowyn. “The whole thing. We’re cleaning up. Maybe you should do the same.”
“Taya,” he slurs her name. “How many years has it been?”
“Not long enough,” Mom mutters as Ingrid grabs Elowyn’s hand.
“I’ve come to pay my respects!” Dad announces as he throws both his arms out. He has a stain on the white dress shirt beneath his black coat jacket.
I can’t believe I was upset this guy left us. What a clown.
“Take Elowyn and Ingrid back to the house,” I mutter to Cash as I had him my truck keys.
“What about clean up?” Cash whispers back.
“We can handle it,” I tell him.
He gives me a curt nod, then relays the message to my sister.
They leave as Dad pulls out an empty chair and sinks into it.
Thankfully, Grandma and Grandpa are still here helping. They start packing up all the food while I grab a glass and fill it with water.
“Order him a car,” I say to Mom.
She immediately pulls out her phone as I hand the sperm donor the glass of water.
“Why are you here?” he asks me.
“Elowyn invited me.”
“You don’t show up for one goddamn family vacation but you’ll show for a funeral?” he spits.
I chuckle harshly. “You show up for the fun stuff. And me? I show up for the hard stuff.”
“Don’t use that tone with me,” he grumbles before taking a sip of water. “I just lost my wife.”
“You aren’t acting like it,” I snap. “And you’re not acting like a father either. Though, we both know you’re a shitty one at best.”
“You have a lot of nerve—”
“No,” I interject. “You do. I was here for Elowyn. Where were you? Huh? Getting drunk at the bar?”
“I lost my wife,” he argues weakly.
“Yeah, so do a lot of other people. But they’re not using it as an excuse to check out of their lives or abandon another child.”
“I didn’t abandon you.”
“I’m glad you did,” I retort. “You disappointing me so early in life made me who I am.”
“A smartass.”
“If you’re done,” Mom interrupts. “His car is here.”
“Taya,” Dad sighs, “you’re looking good.”
“Go home,” Mom groans.
Somehow, I manage to get him in a car, make sure the address is correct, and send him on his way.
Then, I stand out on the sidewalk, rubbing my chest.
For years, there was this empty hole. A dad-shaped one.
Today, it hurts differently.
Not fresh. Healing.
I can’t explain it exactly, but I feel it.
“That was intense,” Mom says, startling me.
“You could say that again,” I laugh, though it feels fake.
“Elowyn is going to need us,” she says.
“I’m going to New York,” I remind her.
“I was talking about your grandparents and me,” she returns with an eye roll.
“I can stay—”
“You are not staying,” Mom roars. “You’re going to New York. I will take care of things here.”
“Aren’t you tired of taking care of the things Dad has abandoned?”
She sighs and wraps her arms around herself.
“Your father is a complicated man. Incapable of loving anyone other than himself. You and Elowyn are not things, Wilder. You’re people—human and real.
” She pauses and steps forward. “She is your sister. She’s half you.
How in the world could I let her be alone now? ”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re the best mom in the world?”
“Stop sucking up,” she playfully teases.
“I would never.”
She hugs me, and for once, I let the day loosen its grip.
“Elowyn can stay with us, right?” I ask when Mom pulls away.
“We’re turning into a hostel,” she says pointedly.
“Only for a few months.”
“Elowyn can have my room for now,” Mom offers. “I’ve been picking up some extra hours at the hospital lately.”
She blushes.
“You mean you’ve been staying late to eat dinner with that doctor you’re seeing?” I challenge.
“Who told you?” Mom whisper-yells.
No one told me. But Mom has been smiling more and working longer hours.
I put two and two together.
“Come on,” I say to her. “Let’s go help Grandma and Grandpa finish up cleaning.”
“You’re a good big brother, you know that?” Mom says.
I don’t know if I agree with her. I should have helped Elowyn plan the funeral.
Maybe I didn’t do that.
But I’m going to clean up the mess.
That’s a good start.