5. Summer #2
Sophie pops a broken cookie into her mouth and groans.
“Please don’t make noises like that when you’re eating something shaped like that. My dad heart can’t take it.”
“Such a prude.” She rolls her eyes.
I can’t help but smirk at their bantering. Normally I’m the one shushing my friends when they start talking about dicks, so it’s kind of nice being on the other side.
“How would you like it if I was licking something that shape in front of you and moaning about it?”
“Oh my God, Dad! I wasn’t moaning. But it would explain why you’ve been single for so long. Look, I’m not judging if that’s what you’re into.”
The flustered look on his face has me losing my composure, and I cover my mouth with my hand to hide my laughter.
“Come to think of it, I’ve never seen you with a girlfriend, or any woman for that matter.” Sophie raises an eyebrow in challenge.
“I just haven’t found the right woman.”
My head bounces back and forth between them as I take another bite of cookie.
“Have you ever even kissed a girl? Auntie Raven said I should ask you about your first kiss. I thought it was kinda weird, but I figured there’s a good story if she was telling me to ask you about it.”
Shit. I drop my eyes, suddenly unable to look at him.
“My first kiss…” he trails off, his eyes on me, but I keep my head down.
“Never happened?” she taunts.
Normally, I’d jump on the tease RJ bandwagon, but not about this particular topic. He exhales a deep sigh. The one all parents feel when they battle with the need to be right as a person, or be the bigger person as a parent.
“Oh, it happened.”
Fuck. He’s choosing the need to win this argument.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t need you to believe me.”
“Because it never happened? Or it was so awful that you scarred the poor girl for life?”
A deep sigh. “It wasn’t great.”
“Cuz you’re a bad kisser?”
“No.” His tone is firm.
“Was she a bad kisser?”
Head still down, my eyes peek up waiting for his answer.
“Hell no. It was the best kiss of my life.”
My heart beats loudly in my ears. This is not happening. I can’t listen to any more of this, and yet I’m desperate to hear him elaborate.
She scoffs. “You’re not making any sense. How was it not great but also the best kiss of your life?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.”
Dropping my shoulders, I look up, making eye contact with Sophie. “Our braces got stuck together.”
The silence that permeates the room is deafening.
Sophie’s mouth drops open as her eyes bounce between us.
I don’t know what kind of face RJ is making.
There’s no way I could handle looking at him right now.
And then Sophie breaks into laughter. Full body.
Arms flapping. Eyes watering. Doubled over, holding her stomach.
I can’t help it, I laugh too. And then I hear RJ’s deep chuckle, which somehow relaxes me. It shouldn’t, given the circumstances, but I’ve never been able to control my reactions around him.
After several breaths, Sophie composes herself. “Anyway… Skipping past that since we’re all stuck here for the week…” She picks up another cookie. “These are so good. How did you not know they were in your suitcase?”
“Bella must’ve slipped those in when I wasn’t looking.”
“Who’s Bella?” Sophie shoves what looks like a palm tree shaft into her mouth.
“She’s one of my best friends. And she knows Logan has an egg allergy, so she always makes an egg-free version of her cockies for me.”
Sophie giggles, a few cookie crumbs shooting out of her mouth. “Cockies! Like cock cookies?”
RJ groans, leaning his arms on the counter and my eyes track the movement. When did his forearms get so thick? And veiny?
“Bella? Hardy’s girl?” he asks.
I take another sip of my coffee. “That’s the one.”
“She makes your kids dick cookies?” He lifts an eyebrow.
It’s an effort not to roll my eyes at him. Of course he wouldn’t get it. “No, but she knows my kid has an allergy, so she makes them egg-free just in case the kids get into them. She’s thoughtful like that.”
“Maybe we could Frankenstein these cockies back together?” Sophie lays out all the pieces as she tries to line them up. “Okay, so I think the palm tree ones go with these giant coconuts. And the beachballs are with the surfboard.”
I lean over the counter, helping her assemble a few. “We should probably eat all the dicks.”
She bursts into laughter, and I cringe, realizing what I just said.
“I mean… their shape is the most obvious. There’s no way we can eat all of those, but if we eat the tips, we could share the rest with the kids, and they’d be none the wiser.”
Sophie smiles. “I like the way you think.”
“Trust me, I’ve had lots of practice shoving tips in my mouth.” I laugh, pointing at the cookies. Then my words hit me and Sophie, and we both lose it again.
RJ looks visibly annoyed as he pushes off the counter and sulks over to the sink where he starts washing pans.
Is he mad that I’m eating cookies instead of the breakfast he made or that I implied that I’ve sucked a lot of dick?
I haven’t. If it’d been up to me, his would’ve been the only dick ever in my mouth and we’d be spending a lifetime together eating pancakes.
But that’s not the hand life dealt me. And aside from him helping me with my top, putting aloe on me, and making breakfast, he’s being a dick right now.
I don’t know what his problem is, but I refuse to let him steal my joy. Again.
——————
Me : Did you sneak penis-shaped cookies into my luggage, Bella?
Raven : I was wondering when she’d notice.
Bella : You found them! Took you long enough.
Me : Lana found them!
Lucy : Oh shit.
Me : Yeah, oh shit. And they were all broken, so luckily it wasn’t obvious what they were. But then RJ told them they were poisoned so the kids wouldn’t eat them.
Bella : But I made them egg-free just in case.
Me : Yeah, but Logan can’t have too many sweets or it messes with his blood sugar.
Bella : I made them diabetes-friendly too. With almond flour.
Lucy : That’s so thoughtful.
Me : It is. I even said that to RJ.
Raven : How is making diabetic egg-free dick cookies for her ten-year-old thoughtful?
Bella : If he finds them, he can have one and not feel left out. I planned to throw in some kid friendly shapes, but I ran out of time.
Lucy : And Lucas is a sneaky one, just like my Levi, so there’s nowhere you could hide them well enough.
Me : True, but do we have to keep making them phallic-shaped?
Lucy : Penises are always funny.
Bella : Logan is a year or two away from joining Isaac’s ranks of “master dick hider.”
Raven : I need you to elaborate.
Bella : Teen boys are oddly obsessed with dicks. I’ll spare you the gross puberty stories, but they will draw dicks on everything. Especially when it makes their friends laugh. It’s best to let them get it out of their system or you’ll be driving around town in a wiener wagon.
Lucy : If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Bella : EXACTLY!
Me : Can we focus here? Not only am I trapped in this house with this man, with a box of broken dicks, but I’m pretty sure said dicks pissed him off more.
Lucy : How?
Me : Once the kids were distracted, Sophie went through the box piecing all the broken ones back together like some perverted jigsaw puzzle.
Except they must’ve gotten jostled a lot on the trip so none of them fit exactly and they all looked like Franken-weens!
I thought it was funny, but RJ stomped off after angry-washing the dishes.
Like, I get that you don’t want to hear your daughter talking about dicks, but we were just having fun.
Raven : He’s an idiot.
Lucy : BWAHAHAHAHA
Bella : THIS IS THE GREATEST STORY I’VE EVER HEARD
Me : It’s not funny! RJ looked pissed. He probably thinks I stole his daughter’s innocence.
Lucy : With broken cock cookies?
Raven : Better a Franken-cock stealing her innocence than an actual cock.
Me : Not you too. Don’t encourage them. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason amongst us.
Raven : Dicks are funny. They look funny. They make men act funny. Even the names for them are funny. Dong. Schlong. Johnson. Boner. Willy. Tally whacker.
Lucy : RAVEN. Stop. I’m gonna pee my pants!
Bella : I’VE BEEN TRAINING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS EXACT MOMENT
Lucy : We’re gonna regret this.
Raven : Fuck. I take it back.
Bella : *Cracks knuckles*
Bella : Pecker. Prick. Knob. Purple-headed yogurt slinger. Custard launcher. One-eyed monster. Trouser snake. Hairy hotdog. Meat stick. Baloney pony. Ham candle. Beaver basher. Disco stick. Lap rocket. Skin flute. Third leg. Taco warmer.
Lucy : Somebody stop her before she starts listing synonyms for balls.
Bella : And Prince Humperdink.
Me : That’s a character in The Princess Bride.
Bella : It’s also slang for dick! And that’s just off the top of my head. I’d have to open the notes app on my phone to keep going.
Raven : You have a note on your phone with slang words for penis?
Bella . Doesn’t everyone?
Lucy :
Raven : No, sweetie.
Me : NO!
Lucy : If our books used any of those terms, it would be an instant DNF for me.
Bella : Could you imagine? He thrust his baby batter blaster deep inside me…
Lucy :
Me : Can we focus? The broken penis cookies pissed off the overprotective dad. And I’m still stuck with him in this house for the rest of the week.
Raven : Tell him to stop being a grumpy idiot. Better yet, I’ll do it.
——————
I open the fridge and grab the chicken breasts, placing them on the counter.
“What’s all this?” Sophie asks, coming up behind me.
“I’m making homemade chicken nuggets.”
She leans against the counter. “Why not just buy them?”
“A lot of store-bought brands use egg in the breading. Some brands are egg-free, but the other two don’t like them, so I started making them.”
“Can I help?”
I look up at her and smile. “I would love that.”
Grabbing a cutting board, I show Sophie how to cut up the chicken. It’s nice having help like this. My kids are helpful, Lana more than her brothers, but even her attention span is short with some of this stuff. And I don’t let the boys cook without my supervision.
“Now what?” Sophie brushes her hair out of her face with her forearm.
“We dip them in buttermilk. Then toss them in the flour and spice mixture to coat them.”
I place the flour bowl in front of her, and we create an assembly line of nugget coating.
We’re making decent progress when RJ walks in the kitchen.
His presence overwhelming even though he’s nowhere near me.
It’s difficult, but I ignore him as I continue dipping chicken chunks into the buttermilk then drop them in the bowl for Sophie to toss in flour.
“Why did my sister tell me to stop being a tally whacker?” Sophie huffs out a laugh and flour flies up out of the bowl creating a cloud in front of her.
I can’t hold in my laughter, which only makes her laugh harder.
“Dad! You’re gonna make me pee my pants!”
He frowns, and I bite my lips as I try to control my giggles. “I think she meant ‘don’t be a dick.’”
“Is this about the cockies?” RJ asks right as Logan walks in.
“You owe me five dollars.” Logan frowns at RJ.
RJ scratches his neck. “What did I say?”
“You said a bad word.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You said a bad word for P-E-N-I-S.” Logan spells out the word as if his siblings don’t know how to spell. They do.
“Logan, it’s fine. The three of you were talking about butts and penises on the plane here, and no one was contributing to the swear jar then.
” I’m not sure why he’s being so hard on RJ for swearing.
I don’t swear a lot around the kids. But he’s the oldest and my rule follower, so I’ve always chalked it up to that.
The two of them stare at each other, almost having a silent conversation. Something flashes on RJ’s face. Guilt, maybe? Logan puts his hands on his hips, making it clear he’s not backing down.
“No, he’s right. I need to watch my language.” He grabs his phone and taps some buttons when mine buzzes in my pocket.
My hands are covered in batter, and I can’t look at it.
“Just Venmoed you,” RJ says.
I tilt my head in confusion. We had a whole conversation earlier about cockies and dicks. Why is he acting like it’s a swear now? “How do you have my Venmo?”
“Raven gave it to me. I owed Logan’s swear jar. For earlier.”
He’s texting Raven about me? I turn back to the nuggets, trying to ignore the way my heart is racing at his words. I won’t let this man in again. But he’s making it more difficult with each passing day.