12. Summer
SUMMER
W hen I roll over, the bed is empty. Again.
Every morning, I wake up alone just like I do at home.
Part of me had hoped that sharing a bed with RJ would mean getting to spend some quality time with him.
Early morning conversations while we’re still groggy and trying to hide our morning breath.
Middle-of-the-night snuggles when one of us drifts over the makeshift boundary we made between us.
Waking up to him examining each freckle on my cheeks as he watches me sleep.
These are dangerous thoughts. He’s making an effort, and I want to believe in him, but he’s let me down before, just like other men.
The house sounds surprisingly quiet, and I lie here, hoping to get a few more winks.
“Morning, darlin’. I’ve got your favorite, pancakes with sliced bananas, chocolate chips, a layer of peanut butter spread between each one, and a side of bacon.”
I keep my eyes shut, determined to enjoy this as long as I can. Of all the recurring dreams I’ve had about this man, this one is my favorite. I can verbalize all the dirty thoughts in my head I’m too afraid to say out loud. Why can’t I actually wake to this?
“Mmm, the only thing I’m hungry for is you,” I reply sleepily.
There’s a small chuckle. “Is that so?”
That’s odd. He usually jumps right into it. I guess my brain is conjuring up new scenarios this morning.
“Yep. I need that big, hard dick either in my mouth or between my thighs. Think you can handle that, RJ?”
The bed dips, and I startle, my hands shooting out in front of me when a warm palm clasps my shoulder, massaging gently. “Summer, darlin’, wake up.”
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. That wasn’t a dream. He’s really here. How much did he hear? “What? What time is it?” I yawn, hoping to save face.
“It’s almost ten. The kids have been fed and are watching TV. I’ve got breakfast here if you’re hungry.”
Holy shit, I slept in. Wait, I thought that was part of the dream. “What is it?”
“Didn’t you hear me? I made your favorite, Elvis pancakes with a side of bacon. If you need a side of something else, let me know.” There’s a teasing tone in his voice, and I swallow down my embarrassment, desperate to change the subject. How does he know my favorite birthday meal?
I sit up quickly, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Nothing could prepare me for the sight of RJ, shirtless, in a pair of floral swim trunks sitting on the side of the bed with a tray of food in his hands.
His eyes flick down to my chest, and I look down, mortified to see that one of my boobs has popped out of my tank top. I cover my breast with my arms as I yank at the fabric.
RJ smiles, his dimple popping as he places the tray in front of me.
“For what it’s worth, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
You look beautiful.” He pushes off the bed, leaning down to give me a kiss on the forehead before straightening.
“And if you’re still hungry after that, I’d be happy to give you something else.
You deserve to be full and happy on your special day. ”
I blink at him in confusion before my dream admission hits me and my mouth drops open. “I…”
“Feel free to eat in bed, read your book, take a bath, whatever you want. I’ve got the kids.” He slowly backs out of the room, smirk in place, dimple taunting me as I gape at him.
Did that really just happen?
Once the door closes, I stare at the food like it’s offended me. Tentatively, I take a bite of the pancakes and groan. They’re perfect. I take three more bites before I reach for my phone. There are dozens of missed texts, but I open my thread with Raven.
Did you put him up to this?
Morning, sleepyhead!!!
Happy birthday!!!
Why are you using so many exclamation points? You never use that many. Does Bella have your phone?
It’s me. I figured your birthday was cause for extra excited punctuation.
Did you tell RJ it was my birthday?
Why?
Raven!
Is he being a dick?
No, he’s being really nice and it’s freaking me out.
Isn’t this what you wanted?
I wanted a nice relaxing vacation.
Then why do you keep asking about him?
What do you mean?
Ever since he moved back, you keep asking about RJ.
Fuck. Was I that obvious? I thought I was being subtle.
No I don’t.
Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
What?
Yeah, I think that only works out loud. Like Bella’s terrible penguin joke.
Are you the reason he made me my favorite breakfast in bed?
So that’s a yes.
You don’t want breakfast in bed?
Not from your brother.
It was from me. He was the messenger.
Why don’t I believe you?
I know he’s an idiot, but he’s a good guy. Unless he was a dick.
He wasn’t a dick. I could handle it if he was a dick.
What do you mean? Your reasoning makes no logical sense. You don’t like him, yet you ask about him. You want breakfast in bed, but not from him. And every time someone mentions his name you go on full alert. I know I dared you to kiss him, and it was terrible, but this seems like overkill.
She’s not wrong. And she’s way too smart for me to continue this charade. I can’t tell her the whole truth when I can’t even admit it to myself, but I wrack my brain, trying to think of any logic possible to make Raven understand this.
Imagine if someone dared you to kiss one of your best friends in front of everyone.
And it was your first kiss, and you’d spent your whole life watching movies and reading books about the perfect first kiss.
You’re nervous. He’s one of your best friends so it won’t be all bad, right?
You’ll be able to laugh about it later, you think.
But instead of it being some quick peck with a little tongue, your braces get stuck together.
And it’s in front of everyone from your class because you live in a small town.
You’re humiliated. He’s humiliated. Everyone’s laughing, and while it’s funny now, it was mortifying back then.
I didn’t kiss anyone again until college because no one wanted to kiss me after that. And RJ stopped being my friend.
Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way. Why didn’t you ever say anything?
It wasn’t your fault. It was just a messed-up situation.
How isn’t it my fault? I dared you to kiss. That never would’ve happened if I hadn’t done that.
No, but you didn’t make us kiss. And you didn’t kiss so hard the rubber bands on your braces got stuck together. I accept your apology, but it’s not your fault. I’m probably being hyperbolic, it’s not like it ruined my life or anything.
No, but you’re right about RJ. He broke off from our little trio after that. I just figured since he was dating Jessica, he was all into her. Boys of that age can have a one-track mind. Do you think it was because of that kiss?
No. I mean, I hope not. But then Todd did cheat on me, so maybe I’m just a bad kisser?
FUCK TODD!!!!!!!!
That’s a lot of exclamation points.
One for each time I want to punch him in the face.
I love you.
And you’re not a bad kisser.
LOL
That’s a weird thing to say to your BFF.
And how would you know, you’ve never even kissed me.
Kissing is subjective. Everyone likes different things.
And there are so many factors. Lips, tongues, teeth, saliva, biting, sucking, how much force you use, etc.
What is good to one could be too much tongue to someone else.
And sometimes people’s natural kissing styles just click, but other times people learn what their partner likes and adjust.
That’s some pretty sound logic. I’ve never really thought about all that.
So you’re not a bad kisser. You just haven’t found someone that clicks with your style or has taken the time to learn what you like.
Oh.
But I still feel like an ass about my brother.
It’s fine. It just sucks. I’m stuck in a house with him, and we’ve never talked about everything from back then.
It’s awkward. If he was being mean, it’d be easy to brush him off.
I don’t know if I want to be friends with him again.
Things will never be like it was when the three of us used to hang out.
We’ve all changed, grown into different versions of ourselves.
And if I learned anything from my divorce, it’s that men can’t be trusted.
RJ is nothing like Todd. He would never do to anyone what that asshole did to you. I raised him better.
You’re like 2 years older than him.
I still helped raise him. We didn’t get a lot of parenting growing up.
We only had each other. And I had to keep him in line so we didn’t become wards of the state.
So I did raise him. Though if you asked him, he’d say I just bossed him around a lot.
You should talk to him, tell him how you feel about what happened back then.
He’s a good guy. And if he acts like a dick, let me know and I’ll sit on him.
I stuff the last of the pancakes in my mouth as I read through her last message.
This is why Raven is my best friend. When I spiral, she steps in to calm me down, diffusing my emotional bomb with her reasoning.
It makes me feel like shit that I’m not being fully honest with her.
I should tell her how deep my feelings run for her brother, but I think part of me is scared that she’ll talk me out of it, talk me out of liking him with logic.
Maybe that’s what I need, though, to help me get over this stupid lifelong crush?
Or maybe it’d make Raven think less of me for liking her idiot brother.
She’s right, though. I need to talk to RJ about all of this and find out if there’s a logical explanation for why everything went down the way it did.