Seventeen Years Ago
Six weeks pregnant.
I fling my school bag off my shoulder onto the floor and plonk onto a kitchen chair. Mum has her back to me, washing up at the sink. I stare blankly as she scrubs several spotty mugs in white foamy water before placing them on the drainer.
‘Have you thought what you’re going to do?’ Her voice shatters the quiet.
‘About what?’ I know exactly what she’s talking about, but I haven’t even been able to talk about it with Jackson yet.
Mum swings around wiping her hands on a red-and-white stripey tea towel. ‘The sooner you make the decision, the sooner we can get it organised.’ She’s rubbing the yellow fabric of her T-shirt between her finger and thumb, something I know she does when Dad is shouting at her.
‘I don’t think, I mean, I haven’t decided.’ I try to swallow. ‘I need to talk to Jackson about it.’ I know the exact solution Mum’s talking about.
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She pulls out the chair opposite me to sit. ‘This is about your life. What’s best for you. It isn’t some fairy tale.’
Tears spring to the back of my eyes. It feels more nightmare than fairy tale.
She studies my face and then gives a hollow laugh. ‘Please tell me you haven’t been reading some ridiculous mother-and-baby magazines about how wonderful having a baby is?’
The heat scorches up the back of my neck and I kick my school bag further under the table as if Mum has X-ray vision and she’ll see the magazine Reeni gave me in maths this morning. Glossy pages of smiling babies in the arms of equally radiant mothers pop up in my head.
‘Do you have any idea how hard bringing up a baby is? Chained to a sink and washing machine. Smelling of sick, no time to shower, never mind wash your hair or put on make-up. Living on two hours’ sleep because your baby wants feeding constantly.
’ She sighs in frustration. ‘You don’t think for one minute Jackson is going to ruin his life to look after a baby, let alone stay with you, surely? ’
I want to stick up for Jackson, say that’s exactly what he’d do, but a worm of doubt is wriggling through me.
Mum has hardly taken a breather before she launches on.
‘There’s no way Jackson is going to want to give up being a normal teenager.
And even if he did, what’s he going to do?
Find a dead-end job on minimum pay?’ She glares at me now and I shrink away from her.
‘Is that the kind of life you really want? It’s not the one you deserve.
’ Her voice has softened now. ‘You’re worth so much more, Ellie. ’
‘He wouldn’t abandon me.’ My hand strays to my tummy. ‘Us. I know he’d stand by me.’
Mum’s eyes narrow again. ‘And where exactly are you going to live with this baby then? Your dad will never have a baby in the house. And that’s if he’s even speaking to us after we tell him.’ She’s rubbing the bottom of her T-shirt again.
‘We could live at Jackson’s?’
Mum looks like she’s swallowed a wasp. ‘Their house is tiny. And his mum isn’t going to want you and a baby there. Don’t be so thoughtless. You can’t foist your problems on someone else.’
I swipe at the single tear which has escaped my right eye. I knew this wasn’t going to be simple, but it’s now sounding impossible. Why on earth was I so stupid?
My emotion prompts Mum to reach for me. ‘Oh, Ellie love.’ Her touch is warm and comforting.
‘There will be plenty of time for a baby when you’re settled in life.
I’m sure your dad will be thrilled with a grandchild when it’s done properly.
You’re too young now, that’s all.’ Her thumb strokes the back of my hand.
‘You’re both kids yourselves. However well-intentioned Jackson seems to be, you both have lives to live, a whole world to see. ’
She smiles kindly at me, and I begin to think maybe she’s right. She’s the grown-up after all. She must know what she’s talking about. What the hell do I know?
A squiggle of relief begins to expand in my chest. Perhaps the right thing to do is not to have it. The baby. Then I wouldn’t even have to tell Dad. And he’ll never hate me for what I’ve done. And surely Jackson doesn’t really want a baby either?
The doorbell chimes, breaking my train of thought. ‘That’ll be Reeni,’ I say, getting up, glad of a reason to leave the kitchen.
Mum pats the table, where my hand has been. ‘Think about it, Ellie. For me. It’s your choice at the end of the day, but I don’t think having the baby is the answer.’
‘How are you feeling?’ asks Reeni as she sits cross-legged on my bed.
I bunch my shoulders up around my ears. ‘OK, I guess.’
‘Thought about what you’re going to do?’
I sigh. I thought I had. But then again, my thoughts and feelings seem to shift like fallen autumn leaves in the wind. And after Mum talking to me, I’m more confused than ever about what the right thing is.
‘Did your mum kill yer? Mine would have flipped her lid.’
I shift on the bed. ‘She doesn’t think I should have it.’
‘You’ll have to make a decision,’ says Reeni. ‘Especially if you’re going to have an abortion. There’s a time frame.’
I glance across at her.
‘I went to the library and looked it up. I didn’t want to check on the computer at home.
‘There are clinics you can go to. I don’t think you have to go to a hospital. No one at school would know. You could go to one miles away.’
The subject is sending my heartbeat racing. ‘I don’t think I can have a baby, Reens. Everything I was going to do and be goes out of the window. And I have no clue how to even change a nappy, never mind the thought of someone sucking the life out of these.’ I gesture to my boobs and shudder.
‘You can use a bottle. My aunt couldn’t breastfeed, it was too painful, she had bleeding cracked nipples and everything …’ I wince, but Reeni carries on oblivious, ‘… so she used a bottle. Well, lots actually. Every time we went around, she seemed to be forever sterilising them.’
‘Sterilising?’
‘To get rid of any germs, so you don’t make the baby ill. They’re more fragile than us.’
I run my fingers through my hair, digging my nails into my scalp. ‘God, see? I haven’t got the faintest idea.’ My voice becomes so quiet Reeni has to lean forwards to catch my words. ‘I don’t know if I can get rid of it though.’
She leans back into my headboard and neither of us speak because I think neither of us knows the right thing to say.
‘What does Jackson think?’ she says, pulling some pink lip gloss out of her pocket and smearing it over her lips.
‘I don’t really know.’ I grab the lip gloss off her and use it myself. ‘It’s been impossible to get him on his own to talk.’
‘He’s not dumped you, has he?’ she says sharply.
This is why Reeni is my best friend. We complement each other perfectly.
She is logical, no nonsense and forthright.
She has no problem sticking her head up above the parapet to be seen and counted and doesn’t give one hoot what anyone else thinks.
Which is a good job because some people are horrible to her because of how she looks.
I, on the other hand, am forever second-guessing myself, worried I’m letting everyone down and generally trying to solve everyone’s problems and make everyone feel good, so life will run as smoothly as possible.
Bit like Mum, really. I overreact at the slightest thing while Reeni takes everything in her stride.
So, there is no one I would rather have in my corner right now.
‘No, of course he hasn’t. I’m supposed to be meeting him after school, tomorrow.’
‘Why don’t you take him to Daisy?’
I know what a big deal it is for her to suggest it.
Daisy is our abandoned and paint-peeling beach hut.
Well, she’s not exactly ours. About six months ago when we’d been messing about, we’d discovered that if you twisted the doorknob in a certain way, it would open for you.
We hadn’t told anyone else about our discovery.
It was our place to hide away from the world in.
Over the weeks we’d brought bits and pieces to decorate it and although the outside is a wreck, the inside now looks cute and homey.
We’d made such an effort that even the other beach hut owners smile and say hi to us now when they’re around.
Quite by accident, we’ve become legitimate illegitimate owners of number eight the beat-up, tatty, peeling yellow beach hut that no one else wants.
My brow crinkles. ‘But we decided never to tell anyone.’
Reeni shrugs. ‘I know we did, but you two could do with the privacy. One condition though.’
‘What?’
‘No sex allowed in Daisy, please.’
‘Eww. Reeni!’
‘There’s no way I’m relaxing on my cushions if I have to think about you two getting naked on them.’ She chuckles and pushes me on the arm.
I grin. ‘I promise. No naked bodies. Anyway, I’ve had enough sex to last me a lifetime.’