Seventeen Years Ago
Thirteen weeks pregnant.
Jackson and I trail behind our mums along the school corridor towards the deputy head’s office. A group of girls from my English class walk past and Taz shoves me as she passes before the whole group collapse into sniggers. I thought she was a friend. Maybe it was an accident?
‘I heard Jackson’s left her.’
‘Slag.’
Heat stings my cheeks.
‘Ignore ’em.’ Reeni has slipped alongside me and she squeezes my arm. ‘They’re fucking clueless. Have you got to meet Denno now?’
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
‘At lease you’re missing double chemistry,’ she says, giving me a friendly nudge.
‘Ellie, keep up,’ Mum calls and I wish the ground would swallow me up whole.
The four of us are sitting outside Mr Denton’s office and it’s so quiet you can hear the second hand on the wall clock tick by. It’s like waiting for the firing squad. Suddenly the deputy sweeps into the corridor, his hands piled high with multicoloured folders.
‘So sorry to keep you waiting. Please do come in.’ He pushes open his door and stands to one side to let us enter the office.
The room’s been prepped and there are five chairs all placed evenly around a small square table squashed into the corner of the room.
I guess it’s supposed to be less formal than us sitting on either side of his desk, but it still feels awkward.
Jackson and I manage to manoeuvre ourselves so we are sitting next to each other with our mums on either side of us like bookends.
‘I’m so glad you could all make it in together. It’s lovely to see you.’ He’s interrupted by Joyce, the secretary, bringing in a tray with five mugs, an option of tea or coffee and a plate of plain or chocolate biscuits.
I’ve never heard of drinks and biscuits being on offer before. I glance at Jackson, but he’s biting his lip as he stares down at the table.
Once everyone has a drink in front of them, Mr Denton begins. ‘I know we’re here to talk about the situation Jackson and Ellie find themselves in.’
I’m a situation. I tune out.
I’m not sure what the point of listening will be, only that I’ll end up even more embarrassed than I am already.
What I really want to do more than anything is reach out and touch Jackson.
I want to feel his fingers curl around mine and feel his reassurance that everything will be OK, but there’s no way I’m reaching out for him in front of everyone here.
Instead, I roll my thighs from one side to the other and sit on my hands, my chin against my chest.
I listen vaguely as Denno goes on about being accommodating and understanding and that the school will do its best to support us.
My mum asks a question about time off for appointments and instead of hearing the answer, I feel a pressure on my ankle as Jackson moves his leg to meet mine.
I steal a look at him out of the corner of my eye.
He’s still staring down at the table, but his ankle makes tiny movements up and down and comfort floods into me.
There’s around fifteen more minutes of excruciating talk, with the occasional question directed at us, before it’s all over.
‘I hope that puts everyone’s mind at rest,’ Denno says as he pushes his chair back and stands. ‘We want to do everything for you, Jackson and Ellie, so you only have to ask.’
I try to swallow and nod, unable to meet his eyes. This whole thing has been humiliating and I can’t wait to get out of his office and into the open air.
We manage to get off the school premises without seeing anyone else as they’re all in lessons.
Jackson’s mum, Sophie, seems to get how awkward I feel.
She puts an arm around my shoulders and squeezes.
‘See, that wasn’t so bad. And it sounds like they’ll do all they can to help you carry on as normal, love,’ she says, her voice full of genuine concern.
I nearly snort at the ‘carry on as normal’, because I’m not sure anything will ever be normal again.
Jackson shoves his hands into his pockets, his eyes downcast. He’s obviously as uncomfortable as me.
‘Would you like to go for coffee, Moira? Unless you have to dash off?’
Mum pauses. Although Jackson and I have been together for ages, our parents have only ever said hello in passing. I think this whole thing is as weird for her as it is for me. ‘Do you know what, I think that’d be lovely.’
Great, another hour of grown-ups talking about us and not to us. For the second time today, we trudge along behind our mums. My shoulders relax as I let go of the tension I’ve been holding on to. ‘That meeting was horrendous.’
Jackson reaches across and takes my hand as we walk.
I sigh. ‘I hate being the centre of everyone’s focus. I’d rather be invisible.’
‘That might be impossible for a while.’ He squeezes my fingers.
‘Mmm,’ I say, in a less-than-convincing fashion.
We find a table in the corner of the café and I wonder how long we’ll have to sit here and listen to our mothers.
‘I’m glad we got that out of the way,’ Sophie says, sitting down opposite me. ‘It was like being a naughty kid being called in to see the head.’ She chuckles and it lightens the mood.
‘I found him scary,’ Mum says. ‘He seemed to be understanding though.’ She fiddles with her teaspoon. ‘I still think all this is ridiculous. What do you think about it all?’ She’s addressing Sophie directly. ‘I think they’re making a mistake.’ I’ve rarely heard my mum be so bold with a statement.
An icy feeling drips down my spine. Why does no one ever back me?
‘Surely you don’t think this is a good idea?’ Mum continues. ‘I’ve tried to talk to Ellie. Have you spoken to Jackson?’
Sophie takes a long drink from her coffee mug as if she’s deciding how to reply. ‘I talked with Jackson, yes.’
‘It’s obviously not something they can cope with. They’re kids. I don’t even know where they think they’re going to live.’
‘With me,’ is Sophie’s simple reply and it stalls Mum. ‘I think they know what they want to do and I’ll do everything to help them.’ She squeezes my arm and then turns her smile on Mum. ‘I’m sure we both will, won’t we?’
‘But how?’ Mum stutters. ‘I can’t have them over at ours. John won’t have it.’
‘Then you can spend time with them at mine if your husband wants nothing to do with his own grandchild.’ Sophie pauses before continuing.
‘I know it was a shock for everyone, but I’ve been so impressed with how they’ve both coped with what’s happened.
They’re lovely young people. This isn’t the end of their lives; it’s the beginning of a new chapter. ’
‘Do you think?’ Mum’s brow is scrunched.
‘Absolutely. I don’t see why they can’t carry on, do their exams and go to uni if that’s what they want. We might have to help them that’s all.’
For the first time since Mum found the bloody pregnancy test papers in the sink, the tension etched into her face lifts a little.
‘I could definitely help. Just away from my house.’
‘That’s not a problem.’ Sophie lifts her mug to clink it against Mum’s. ‘Team E and J.’
Mum’s face breaks into a smile as she looks straight at me. ‘To our little grandbaby, then.’
And for the first time in as long as I can remember I think maybe telling Dad will be OK because Mum will be at my side.