Chapter Twenty-One
I thought things might be awkward when Jackson picks me up the next morning, but they’re not. We’re comfortable in each other’s company. It’s as if we fit together and have done forever.
‘I want to show you this. Milly sent it yesterday.’ Jackson hasn’t even waited until I’ve invited him in and there’s an enthusiasm in his voice which warms my soul.
He passes the phone to me. It’s an email which is short and to the point.
Hey dude,
Wait until you read the letter attached. And Surfbound got in touch. They want an interview and pictures for an article. Unreal!!!!!
When are you coming home? We all miss you. Hope things are OK and your mum is feeling better.
Love Mx
I click on the attachment. It’s a formal letter from the Byron Bay Chamber of Commerce in conjunction with the Local Tourism Association saying that the Jaffle Hut & Surf School has been shortlisted in the Entrepreneurial and Environmental Tourism category.
There’s also an invitation to attend the awards three months on from now.
‘Surfbound are huge influencers. It’s incredibly hard to get them to mention you.
I can’t believe they want to do an article on us.
And I never thought the establishment would look at us for an award.
They normally go to the big shiny business along the bay.
’ His eyes are shining with excitement and then they dull a little with a frown.
‘Not that I’ll get back for it, with Mum and everything. Still, Milly can handle it.’
As well as being excited because he is, I’m filled with guilt that my overriding emotion is relief that he won’t be going back to Australia just yet. I know he’ll have to go back at some point, and I’m sceptical about long-distance relationships. Could we really make it work?
Jackson has borrowed Milo’s Mini to take us to the pub where we’re all meeting up.
‘Are you sure this is OK?’ I ask, getting out of the passenger side. Jackson’s tall frame is squashed into the driver’s seat, his knees almost touching the steering wheel.
‘Absolutely. Mum’s looking forward to seeing you. Aaron’s going to be there too so it’s not only family.’
My hand stutters as I tuck my hair behind my ear. Does that mean Reeni is coming too?
We get drinks and then head out to the beer garden. It’s quiet and we have our pick of where to sit.
‘Over here.’ Jackson nods towards a table on the perimeter. ‘Mum loves to be able to see the sea.’
We sit down, side by side, and I take a sip of my lemonade. He’s twisting his pint glass of orange round and round on the beer mat.
‘What are you worried about?’
‘I’m trying hard to understand why Mum wants to do this.’ He won’t look at me.
‘Surely it makes sense to go and visit somewhere first?’
‘No, not that. Why doesn’t she want to stay at home?’
I can make plenty of guesses as to why Sophie might have decided a hospice was what she wanted, but I’m not about to speak for her. ‘Have you asked her why?’
Jackson shakes his head, his lips in a pinched straight line. ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing.’ His hand reaches out and takes mine as they rest on the table. ‘This is hard enough as it is without me putting my foot in it.’
‘Hello, you two,’ says Aaron, coming up behind us. ‘No Sophie yet?’
‘Milo’s bringing her. They should be here any time,’ says Jackson.
‘Do you want more drinks? Orange, and is that vodka and lemonade, Ellie?’
The word vodka spirals straight through me. It’s something I avoid at all costs. It’s stupid how the mention of the word sends my heart rate up a notch.
‘You know Ellie doesn’t drink.’ Reeni is standing next to her husband, looking at me with uncertainty in her eyes.
I flash her a look. I don’t want an altercation here, today. It’s tense enough as it is.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to speak for you,’ says Reeni, staring at the floor.
‘I’m fine, thanks,’ I say to Aaron, motioning towards my still half-full tumbler. The word vodka might have kick-started my heart rate, but it’s now continuing to thump wildly in my chest.
Aaron squeezes his wife’s hand and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek before sitting down opposite Jackson to start up a conversation with him. It looks like a definite tactic to leave Reeni and me alone.
‘I hate this, Ellie.’ Reeni’s voice is barely above a whisper. ‘I don’t know how not to be friends with you. I’m sorry. I should never have nagged you about talking to Jackson.’
I stand so we’re on the same level. I’m still wary. I want more than anything for this to be behind us, and it wasn’t only Reeni at fault that put us here. I’m going to have to open up too.
‘I was horrible to you, too. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in.’
Reeni’s hands jerk, her fingers splayed wide.
‘No, let me say this. You were right. I was self-obsessed and ruining my own family in the process. I didn’t want to see it.
’ Her eyes are full of tears and I want to fold her into a hug.
‘I’ve been even worse to live with since we fell out.
Aaron made me sit down and talk.’ She looks over gratefully at her husband, who is chatting away with Jackson.
‘He gave me some perspective on the whole thing and I actually listened to him this time. And then Milo came to ask him if he’d recommend the Lilypad, and it smacked me in the face how short life really is.
’ She shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other. ‘Can we put this behind us?’
‘Oh God, Reeni.’ I wrap my arms around her and cling to her like a limpet to a rock. I’m infinitely grateful when I feel her reciprocate.
‘It wasn’t just you. I was oversensitive and pig-headed and it never should have blown up the way it did.
I’d always be thrilled for you if you got pregnant.
I was doing anything to avoid listening to the sense you were talking, so I lashed out.
’ The tips of my ears are burning. ‘Can we agree that we were both idiots?’
She gives me a glimmer of a smile. ‘Yes, please.’
‘Hey, everyone. We’re here.’ Milo’s voice carries across the beer garden. He’s pushing Sophie in her wheelchair. ‘Is it hot or is it me?’ He’s almost panting when he comes to a stop and he rests his hand on his mum’s shoulder.
‘It is a bit muggy. We need a storm,’ I say.
‘Hi, Mum. How’s your chauffeur?’ says Jackson, shooting Milo a wry look.
Sophie laughs. ‘I think he found every pothole going.’ She reaches up and pats Milo on the hand in good humour.
‘Right. Drinks. Who’s having what?’ says Aaron, standing.
‘Iced water, thanks.’ Sophie reaches out a hand to me. ‘Ellie can keep me company while you all go and get them.’
I sit on the seat nearest to her and smile to myself as I see Aaron reach out and hold Reeni’s hand as they walk towards the pub.
Sophie’s watching her sons. ‘Great to see them getting on,’ she says. Jackson must be teasing Milo about something as he’s pushing him on the shoulder and they both laugh.
‘So.’ She turns her attention to me. She looks brighter than the last time I saw her. There’s colour in her face that’s not due to make-up and her eyes have a new lightness to them. ‘I hear your teaching evening was a success. My friends loved it.’
‘I’m so glad they did. It was good fun.’
A breeze washes across us and Sophie closes her eyes as if to savour the moment.
‘Are you cold?’ I make a move to reach for the blanket draped over the arm of her wheelchair.
‘No. All good.’ She stares straight at me as if she’s trying to work out how to say something. ‘You and Jackson.’
She stops again and tension winds its way through my chest. The next part of this conversation could go in a million different ways.
‘I’m grateful you’ve found your way back to each other. And I think the world of you, darling girl, but I don’t think either of you are being fair to each other. Do you want a future with him?’
I can feel my brow crinkle. ‘I … er …’
‘I know that’s blunt, but I don’t have time to skirt around things anymore.’
I’m still fumbling around for an answer.
‘Can I just say this? You need to talk through what happened to go forwards. Take it from someone who’s lived longer than you. Losing a baby is something that changes you.’
She says it with such empathy, I wonder for a split second if she’s talking from experience.
‘And as Jackson’s mum, I can tell you, it changed him too. This was something you both went through and struggled with.’
My nose prickles and I blink rapidly, trying to hold myself together.
‘There’s no blame here,’ Sophie says gently.
‘Everybody did what they had to do to survive. But if you are going to move forwards together, you must clear the air.’ She reaches for my hand.
‘You have to trust him enough to open up and trust he’ll do the same.
I think he will. You aren’t the only one I’ve been talking to.
’ Her thumb circles the back of my hand in much the same way as Jackson’s has done with me.
‘You two look cosy.’ Jackson’s teasing voice comes out of the blue and I pull my hand back.
‘Just saying how I’m looking forward to going to the Lilypad,’ says Sophie cheerfully.
‘Oh, good.’ There’s a hint of tension in his tone, but he’s trying to smile through it.
‘Food,’ says Milo, handing out menus. ‘Mum, their special is chickpea, tomato and lentil soup. It sounds delicious.’
Jackson bends to put his mouth to my ear. ‘I want to show you something later.’
I look up at him. ‘What?’
‘Something floral.’ His eyes sparkle. ‘You’ll have to wait and see.’
About an hour and a half later, Reeni and I are sitting on a bench at the front of the Lilypad while Aaron takes Sophie and the boys into the hospice.
Sophie had said we were welcome to go too, but it felt too personal so we left them to it.
We’re sitting side by side listening to the peace and quiet of the gentle waves rolling onto the beach and the odd seagull.
‘You had a drink over lunch,’ I say. It’s just clicked that Reeni had an alcoholic drink, something she’s avoided for months now in an effort to keep clean.
She gives a small shrug. ‘I still want, no, would like a baby. That longing didn’t disappear overnight. I’m trying to be rational about it, though. Live life normally.’
‘It still might happen, you know.’
She crosses her fingers and holds them to her chest. ‘And until then I’m going to live the life I have with the people I love to the fullest and be grateful for what I’ve got.
I fill in a gratitude diary every night now.
’ She rolls her eyes. ‘Happy clappy stuff, I know. But it seems to be helping.’ She nudges me.
‘Try it. Come up with three things you’re grateful for. ’
‘Oh. Right …’ I can think of three things I’m not grateful for straight away.
‘I’ll start. One. Aaron holding my hand at the pub. Two weeks ago, he’d never have done that.’
‘My photography evening being a success.’
‘Two. Olly loving spending the day and night with Aaron’s mum.’
I look at the large glass doors to our left. ‘Being healthy enough that I don’t have to contemplate a hospice.’
Reeni leans into me. ‘And three. Making peace with the best friend anyone could ever have.’
I grin. ‘Ditto.’
Reeni laughs. ‘That’s cheating. That’s my number three. Get your own.’
‘OK. Number three.’ I purse my lips together, thinking. ‘Finding Jackson again.’
We both lapse into silence again. I’m mulling over my words. I know Jackson and I are at the beginning of our journey and with Sophie’s words circling my head, I know there’s difficult terrain ahead. But that doesn’t take away from the fact I am genuinely grateful to have met him again.
‘How was it?’ I ask Jackson. We are all standing on the driveway at the front of the hospice.
He frowns. ‘It feels a bit strange to say this, but it was lovely. It’s really calm and peaceful and Mum loved the new garden and lily pond.
You can see and hear the sea from it too.
’ He stares down at his foot as he grinds it into the gravel.
‘Who’m I kidding? It’s not lovely. But I am trying to see it from Mum’s point of view. ’ He loops an arm around my shoulders.
‘I’ll give Sophie a lift home,’ says Aaron. ‘The wheelchair fits easily into the boot of my car. Are you coming or staying with Ellie?’ he asks Reeni.
‘Why doesn’t everyone come back to The Beach House?’ I say, an idea forming. ‘The fire pit’s still there. Drinks and toasted marshmallows, anyone?’
‘Sounds good,’ says Reeni. ‘We have an Olly-free evening. I’ll go with Ellie and meet you there?’ She looks over to her husband for confirmation of our plan.
‘I’ll stay with Mum,’ says Milo to his brother. ‘You lot go. We’ll be good.’
Reeni and I decide to walk back to mine, while Milo drives his Mini home and Jackson and Sophie travel back in Aaron’s car.
It’s early evening now, and the weather is still close and sticky.
Reeni links her arm through mine and I’m incredibly thankful that there’s not one smidge of frostiness between us anymore.