Chapter Twenty-Two
By the time Aaron and Jackson arrive back with supplies, Reeni and I have a roaring fire going in the fire pit. We take the bags from them and head into the kitchen. I’m on automatic pilot, robotic almost, as I pull an entire array of crisps and biscuits and marshmallows out of the carrier bags.
I’m fighting with myself. I don’t want to have to tell him about that night.
I want to hide the guilt and selfishly keep it all to myself.
For a start off, I don’t want to have to relive it out loud.
Until he came back into my life, I’d managed to bury my actions so deep that it rarely, if ever, reared its head.
With Jackson back in my life, it’s fought its way to the surface and I’ve woken in tears more than once from revisiting that damned party.
Drinking that garish pink drink from the plastic cup that crackled in my hand as I held it.
I’m scared he’ll hate me, but part of me thinks that’s no more than I deserve, and he couldn’t hate me any more than I already hate myself.
However terrifying it is, I don’t think I have a choice if I want a future with him. And I do want that future.
‘I’m going to talk to him,’ I say, reaching up into the cupboard for some plates.
I hadn’t intended to talk to him tonight.
I was going to wait until we were on our own, but I feel like if Reeni is in the background, she’s my safety blanket if it all goes pear-shaped.
If Jackson is going to hate me, I’ll need her.
Reeni stays quiet, knowing I haven’t finished talking.
‘Do you think he’ll be OK if I tell him about that night?’ I need her to tell me it’s going to be fine. Nothing is going to go disastrously wrong and I’m not going to ruin everything.
She twists the top off a bottle of white wine.
‘I don’t have a crystal ball, but he’s a good guy and it was stupid teenage shit.
And whatever the outcome, it is something you need to do.
’ She leans her hip against the counter to face me.
‘If it’s any help, opening up to Aaron feels like the best thing I’ve done in ages.
It’s changed our relationship for the better.
Jackson will understand. It was a hard time for both of you. ’
I turn back to the mound of goodies, picking up several and hugging them to my chest, praying she’s right. ‘Will you stay around if I do it?’ I hold my breath, waiting for her to answer.
‘If you want me to, yes,’ she says, simply, as if it’s not the big deal I think it is.
I nod and we take plates full of snacks and glasses for the drinks already out by the fire pit.
The rest of the evening passes slowly. I stay quiet for most of it and conversation rolls around me as my insides thrash in turmoil.
In contrast, Aaron and Reeni are at peace with each other in a way they haven’t been for a while.
The conversation ebbs and flows, marshmallows are toasted, and we keep piling driftwood onto the fire to keep it dancing as the sunlight fades.
With the fire finally dying down, Reeni drags Aaron up off the bench. ‘Come on, let’s get everyone refills.’ As she pushes him towards the kitchen, she raises her eyebrows at me, giving me the signal that she’s giving me space.
‘Didn’t you want to show me something?’ I ask Jackson, postponing what I really need to say to him for a little longer.
‘Not in the dark. You need to see it in the daylight. Tomorrow?’
I nod.
‘I don’t know where they’ve got to.’ He’s talking about the fact Reeni and Aaron haven’t reappeared.
‘They’ve obviously found something more interesting to do,’ says Jackson with a wink.
We’re sitting facing outwards on one of the picnic table benches and he leans back on the table, stretching out his long legs in front of him.
I’m perched on the very edge of the bench, my back stiff and straight as I stare into orange glowing embers.
The colours glow and fade as if they’re alive.
Jackson is talking about his mum and today, and I should be listening and being supportive, but I only half hear the details.
Instead, the memory of Sophie’s words is going around on a loop in my head and I’m trying to work up the courage to begin the most difficult conversation I think I’ll ever have to have.
He touches my arm and I start. He can tell there’s something eating at me.
‘What’s up?’
I’m going to have to speak, and I’m not sure what to say. What’s the best way to start a conversation where you’re about to tell the man you love it was your fault our baby died? That if you’d done things differently, she’d be here now.
‘I …’ I stay staring into the fire.
‘Ellie?’ He reaches out to take my hand and his gentle touch sears through my chest. ‘What’s wrong?’
It feels like there’s a large boulder lodged in the back of my throat and it’s choking me.
‘I have something I need to tell you.’ My torso is rocking with the effort of simply breathing.
‘OK.’
I shuffle even further towards the edge of the bench so I’m barely sitting on it and keep my eyes away from his. ‘Do you remember that day?’
‘What day?’
I’ve thought about it often since I bumped into him, I’m taken aback when he doesn’t instantly know what I’m talking about.
‘When you and Reeni had set up that mini baby shower and I had my last scan.’
‘Yes.’ His one word is prolonged and guarded.
‘The night before, at the party.’ I scrape my fingernails down the seam of my trousers, trying to hold my nerve.
‘I wanted to feel like a normal fifteen-year-old. Not be the girl everyone was talking about.’ My whole body feels like it’s at breaking point and my right eye overflows and sends a single tear trickling down my cheek.
His fingers are a constant pressure around my hand. In any other circumstances, I’d be reassured. ‘We don’t have to talk about this, Ellie, if it’s too painful. We can take our time.’
I shake my head violently. ‘No. I need to do this.’ I take another shaky breath and continue. ‘I didn’t think it would hurt the baby.’
‘What would?’
My tears are a constant silent stream now and my nose is running.
I pull my hand out of his. It shakes and I can’t make it stop, so I hook my fingers through my friendship bracelet to still them.
‘I kept drinking. I wanted to fit in. I thought it’d be OK.
I didn’t know, I swear.’ A sharp pain pierces my chest and I grab at it instinctively, but I need to finish what I want to say because I’ll never do this a second time.
‘It was me. I’d had so much alcohol, so it was all my fault.
I was so ill. If I hadn’t been so self-centred, I’d never have been there in the first place.
Reeni told me not to go.’ My heart is thudding so hard now it feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. ‘I’m so sorry.
I killed our baby. It was all my fault.’
No more words will come now because I can’t breathe. I double over, gasping, painful sobs ricocheting through me.
Jackson holds both of my arms. ‘Ellie?’ He kneels so he can look up into my face. ‘Ellie, what do you mean? Look at me. What are you talking about?’
‘I can’t,’ I whisper. My vision is fuzzy and I’m too ashamed to meet his eyes.
‘Ellie, what do I do? What do you need?’ His voice is both gentle and urgent.
I want to answer him, but I don’t know what to say. Every intake of air is a tiny gasp of nothing.
‘Ellie, honey.’ Reeni is down by his side now, kneeling at my feet. Her hands are on my knees, her fingers digging into my flesh. ‘Breathe. Ellie. Breathe.’
I try, but the tightness in my chest is so bad it feels like it’s going to split me in two. I raise my head to look at her because I can’t look at him. I can’t bear to see the look in his eyes after what I’ve confessed to.
‘Ellie.’ Reeni’s voice is slow and deliberate. ‘Breathe in.’
On automatic pilot, I try to do as I’m told.
‘Now out. Slowly.’ She counts with her in and out instructions, but I can’t keep up.
The sharp pain spikes and I moan and grab at my chest again. ‘I can’t,’ I splutter.
Reeni puts her palm up to cup my cheek. ‘You can. Concentrate on in and out. Nothing else.’
My head is racing with memories I want to forget and when they become too intense, Reeni prompts me to breathe again.
Slowly, the world around me comes back into focus.
I’m still hyper aware of the thud of each heartbeat and I’m exhausted.
Jackson is still kneeling at Reeni’s side, his hand cradling my arm.
‘I’m so sorry, Ellie. I never knew …’
A phone ringtone sounds, interrupting him.
‘Shit,’ he hisses.
Even through a haze of pain, I know he needs to answer it.
‘Get it.’ My voice croaks. ‘I’m OK.’ I’m not, but he doesn’t need to know that.
Reeni moves to sit next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into her. My arms are still clutching my chest and I turn to press myself to her.
Jackson is on his feet, his back to us as he answers the call.
‘It’s going to be OK,’ Reeni murmurs into my ear. ‘It’s all going to be OK.’ She’s rocking me back and forth in tiny movements which match the shallow breaths I’m taking, but at least they’re even now. I turn my head and bury it in her neck.
‘Everything OK?’ she asks.
I’m trying to find the words to answer when I hear Jackson.
‘No. Mum’s not well. Milo’s called 999.’ The anguish in his voice is clear.
‘Go to her. I’m with Ellie,’ says Reeni.
‘I can’t just leave.’ He drops to his knees again and puts a gentle hand on my thigh. ‘Ellie. Are you OK? I don’t want to leave you like this.’
It’s taking me all my effort to breathe in and out. I want to tell him I am OK, but I think if I speak again, I’m going to fall apart.
‘Honestly, you go to your mum. She needs you. We’re good here.’ Reeni’s arm tightens around me.
‘I’ll take us. I’ve got the car,’ says Aaron.
‘Go with Aaron. He’ll be there to see your mum quicker than the ambulance,’ says Reeni.
Jackson turns to go and then twists back. ‘As soon as I know Mum’s OK, I’m coming back, Ellie. We need to talk. But it’ll be OK.’ He leans over to press a kiss into the top of my head.
Aaron puts an arm on Jackson’s shoulder. ‘Come on, let’s get going.’
When they’ve gone, Reeni takes me through the café and into my house.
She sits me on the sofa and takes the blanket from the arm of the chair and wraps it around me.
I clutch it and sink as far into the cushions as I can.
She sits next to me and strokes my hair.
It’s rhythmic and soothing. Like something Mum would have done when I was a child and off school, feeling ill.
‘What happened?’ I ask, my chest still aching as if I’ve been punched hard and winded.
‘I think you had a panic attack. Something like that. How do you feel now?’
I stare up at the ceiling. ‘I messed everything up. He’s never going to talk to me again.’ I gulp in a lungful of air. ‘He hates me, doesn’t he?’
‘No, he doesn’t. He had to go to his mum, that’s all. He would have stayed, but if anything happened to her, he’d never have forgiven himself. I made him go.’ She looks uncertain. ‘Should I have let him stay?’
I close my eyes. The thought of Jackson looking at me with stony eyes cracks my heart in two and suddenly I’m glad he’s not here. ‘No, you did the right thing.’
The cushions move as Reeni repositions herself. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I’m trying to dredge my mind to recall what I said to him. All I keep hearing are the words … I killed our baby … amplified in my head. The rest is just noise.
‘Did you hear what I said to him?’
‘No. We were at the counter in the café. I came over as soon as I saw you in distress, but we weren’t close enough to hear you.’
I begin to cry and for the first time that evening, there are sounds to go with my waterfall of tears. Reeni holds me and my whole body shakes from the sobs racking through it and I don’t even want to try to stop them.
Reeni’s arms are a constant until I’ve nothing left. No tears, no energy, just exhaustion and shame and a sudden need to be on my own.
‘I need to go to bed,’ I say, wiping my nose on my sleeve. ‘Is Aaron coming back for you? Do you know how Sophie is?’
‘I haven’t heard from him. He’ll ring as soon as he has news.’ She pats the cushion. ‘The sofa looks comfy and I’ll be here if you need me. I’ll get Aaron’s mum to stay over at ours with Olly. She was babysitting anyway.’
‘Thank you.’ My voice is wobbly and I can feel the tears welling up again. I get to my feet with a jerk. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘Call me for anything,’ she calls after me as I head to the bedroom.
I kick my shoes off and climb under the duvet, still fully clothed, and pull the covers up to partially cover my face and sob. For me and more importantly for her and for all the wrong choices that I made, which means she’s not here with us now.