Epilogue
It’s been three weeks and five days since I last saw Jackson in person and six weeks since Sophie died.
She had a happy, or maybe peaceful is a better word, four months in the Lilypad before she passed away on a morning when the sun flooded into her room, bathing it in a soft golden light. Jackson had stayed around the whole time and he and Milo spent as much time as they could with their mum.
After the funeral he’d gone back home to Australia and his business. We’ve spoken or FaceTimed every day, but it’s not the same.
Today is the day I get to see him again and my tummy is swirling with excitement.
‘Don’t scratch my car.’ Reeni’s jokey words are at the forefront of my mind as I ease her Volvo into the first parking space I can find in the Heathrow Airport short-term parking car park.
Arrivals has a quiet hum of anticipation about it.
A variety of people are standing around waiting.
Two young children with their parents, clinging to floating metallic helium balloons with welcome written on them, drivers dressed smartly holding name cards, single people mostly staring at their phones and a young guy in denim shorts and a black ripped T-shirt holding a single red rose.
I’d thought about bringing flowers or a balloon, but the excitement at seeing Jackson again is tinged with a hint of sombreness.
In two days, we’re getting together to scatter Sophie’s ashes on the beach.
He’s told me he’s OK about it, but until I hear him say it for real, I don’t think I’ll fully believe him.
I glance towards the arrivals TV and butterflies begin to flutter in my tummy.
According to the screen, his plane landed twenty-four minutes ago.
Every time the doors in front of me open with a hiss, my chest tightens a notch.
More and more people are coming through now instead of the odd individual. Groups and couples and then Jackson.
My heart skips a couple of beats. I can see him searching the sea of people for me.
He’s in straight-legged indigo jeans and a fitted navy T-shirt and the block of colour accentuates how tall and lean he is.
As he comes closer, I can see the yellow-and-white friendship bracelet I made him still encircling his wrist. His eyes find mine and he stops.
My surroundings fade as his face breaks into a wide smile and he jogs the last few strides to meet me, rolling his suitcase and carry-on with him.
He picks me up, lifting me clean off my feet, and hugs me close, burying his face in the crook of my neck. His breath tickles and sends my butterflies scattering.
‘God, I’ve missed you.’ He pulls back to stare straight into my eyes.
I lean towards him and press my lips to his. They’re firm and warm and he smells of him. His arms tighten around me and for a second, I forget I’m in the middle of an airport and being in his arms is the only thing that matters. When we break apart, he takes my hand and we walk back to Reeni’s car.
‘I could have got the train you know. You didn’t have to come all the way to get me.’
‘That would have taken over three hours. I couldn’t wait that long.’ I give him a grin. ‘It’s good to have you back.’
He squeezes my hand tight. ‘It’s good to be back.’
I stare at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing navy tailored trousers and a yellow blouse with a notched collar covered in white polka dots.
We’re heading into winter although it’s one of those rare days when the sun is out in earnest. In case the weather turns I’ve added a beautiful scarf in a multitude of soft rainbow colours.
Sophie didn’t want anyone wearing black to her funeral, so we figured she wouldn’t want it when we’re scattering her ashes either.
‘Are you ready to go?’ Jackson comes out of my bathroom and a lump appears at the back of my throat. He’s in navy suit trousers and a light blue shirt with the top two buttons undone and his sleeves rolled up to below his elbows. ‘Are you bringing your new camera?’
He’s looking at an open box on the kitchen side. It’s a peace offering Dad sent me last week. I’ve had a couple of texts from Mum, but the parcel was Dad’s way of reaching out, I think. I haven’t worked out how to thank him yet, although I know I will.
I shake my head. ‘I’ve not tried it out yet. Be safer to bring my trusty old one.’
‘You look lovely,’ he says, hooking an arm around my waist and kissing me gently on the cheek.
I cradle his jaw, it’s smooth and clean-shaven. He has dark circles under his eyes and a vulnerability to his expression which pulls at my heart. ‘Are you OK?’
He gives me a simple nod. ‘I’ll be better when it’s over.’
We head outside to find everyone is already milling around The Beach House’s picnic tables.
Sally has Tippi on a lead and she and Roz are chatting to Aaron and Reeni.
Milo, who is also in a formal shirt and trousers with a tote bag slung over his shoulder, is standing on the outside of the group chatting to Dillon.
‘Everybody ready?’ asks Jackson as he searches out my hand.
We make our way down onto the beach. The hum of conversation which met us when we walked out of my house has evaporated and everyone is walking quietly, all lost in our own thoughts and memories.
There’s a spot along from Daisy where we stop.
It’s early enough that the beach is quiet and we’re on our own.
Milo gets two small cardboard tubes out of the tote bag. I hear Jackson take in a breath and my chest tightens knowing they contain Sophie’s ashes.
‘Does anyone want to say something?’ asks Milo.
There’s quiet and then Sally clears her throat and looks towards Jackson and Milo.
‘Your mum was one in a million and I don’t think anyone that ever met her will forget her.
She was kind and caring and had a brilliant sense of humour.
And I know I am, but I’m sure you’ll all agree …
’ she pauses to look at Roz, ‘… we’re all better people for having known her.
I know it’s a cliché, but it’s something Sophie said to me herself.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
My heart hurts right now, but there are lots of things to smile about.
And she lived her life to the full right up to the end. ’
‘I wonder if anyone else has ever been threatened with being evicted from a hospice for being too rowdy?’ says Roz, with a smile.
‘We weren’t even that loud,’ says Milo with a small laugh. ‘They’re lucky I didn’t bring in the karaoke machine like Mum requested!’
‘And the day she insisted she had to attend your photography evening,’ says Aaron, looking at me. ‘Her wheelchair got stuck and sunk in the sand with the tide coming in. If that passer-by hadn’t helped me lift her and the chair to safety she’d have floated away.’
‘And she laughed the whole time,’ says Reeni, her face tilting into a smile. ‘I didn’t know her long, but her verve for life rubbed off on me too, and in some ways even saved me.’
Dillon shifts his weight, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Sophie once told me I needed to “grow up just a smidge” – then two minutes later dared me to race Milo into the sea. Fully clothed.’
There are a few quiet laughs and Milo’s face wears a sad smile.
‘She didn’t just make life brighter. She made it fun. And she made people feel … at ease in themselves. I hope she knew how much that meant,’ finishes Dillon.
I take a breath. ‘I think she did. I’ll never forget the way she knew who I truly was and how she was in my …’ I glance at Jackson, ‘… our corner every step of the way.’
Milo and Jackson look at each other.
‘You can do this. I don’t know if I …’ Milo’s voice cracks and he turns to look out to sea.
Jackson runs his hand through his hair and then reaches for Milo’s hand to hold it while he speaks.
‘Well, Mum, you were the queen at organising things and I hope we’ve all done you proud.
’ He looks to the sky as he says this, then looks back at us.
‘You are all the people Mum thought the world of. She was many things. A wife, although I think she’d have quite liked to have forgotten that at times.
A mother, a grandma …’ he squeezes my hand, ‘… and a friend and neighbour.’ He twists a foot into the sand.
‘She was someone you could depend on and always delivered hard truths even when you didn’t want to hear them.
But she believed in people and always saw the best in them.
You’re right, Sally. Mine and Milo’s life will be better for having been her sons and I hope in the future when you’re looking down on us, Mum, you’ll be proud.
You left too soon, with too much life still left to live, and I love you with all my heart and will miss you always.
’ He pauses to compose himself. ‘And to carry on in the way I know you’d expect us to, we thought we’d scatter your ashes out in the sea where you loved to be. ’
He nods to Milo.
‘And we knew we weren’t allowed to wear black,’ says Milo. ‘So, we didn’t.’
They both take off their trousers and have the brightest swimming shorts imaginable on underneath. I chuckle and Roz gives a bark of laughter.
‘Well, no one’s losing you two on the beach today,’ Dillon says, grinning. ‘Your mum’d approve.’
‘That is so Sophie, boys,’ says Sally with a wide smile.
Milo hands Jackson one of the tubes and they wade out into the sea until they’re knee deep.
I suck in a breath. After my encounter trying to save Tippi, the water still scares me.
Reeni moves to my side and links her arm through mine.
It starts a chain reaction and Aaron links his arm to Reeni while Roz links to me and Sally to her and Tippi sits at the end of the line.
We stand quietly as the boys say something to each other. It’s as if the sea knows what they’re doing and there’s a lull in the waves as the surface settles into a smooth mirror-like pool. Together they tip their mum’s ashes onto the surface and a wave rolls in, dispersing them as it moves.
Once it’s done there’s a shift in mood between everyone. Jackson and Milo dry off with the towel Milo brought and the rest of us begin to chat.
‘I might have some news,’ whispers Reeni into my ear, her arm still linked through mine. ‘I’m late.’
‘Reeni! Are you …?’
‘I don’t know yet. I’m only five days late and I’m not doing tests at the drop of a hat anymore. Aaron and I have said we’ll do one together if I get to a week late.’ Her eyes are sparkling as she speaks. ‘It’ll be OK if I’m not, but I’ve got everything crossed.’
I hold up my own crossed fingers. ‘I want to know the minute you do.’
‘We’ve got food back at my beach hut if you want to join us,’ Jackson announces and there’s a murmur of agreement from the group.
As we walk up to Daisy, Jackson hands over the key to Milo then turns to me. ‘Do you want to go for a wander? Milo can open up and I know Reeni set it all up earlier with the food, so they don’t need us.’
‘Sounds good.’
He interlinks his fingers in between mine and our hands sway gently to the rhythm of our steps. There’s barely a breeze and the waves washing up are small and almost silent compared to how noisy the sea can actually be.
‘Do you think Milo’s OK?’ Jackson asks quietly. ‘He doesn’t quite seem himself.’
‘I think losing your mum has knocked the wind out of him. She made him feel seen.’ I lean into his arm. ‘He tries to hide it, but without her, it’s like he’s not sure where he fits in.’
Jackson swallows hard. ‘He shouldn’t have to feel like he’s on his own.’
I look up at him. ‘We won’t let that happen.’
His hand tightens around mine in agreement.
We walk on for a bit then Jackson bends to take his shoes and socks off. ‘Come on, let’s paddle.’
I follow suit. We leave our socks and shoes out of the reach of the waves and I grip his hand as I let my feet get wet in the water.
‘I know you said you were going to come to Byron Bay for a holiday but what do you think about coming for a bit longer?’ He’s kicking the water out, droplets spraying out in front of us. ‘You don’t have to if you don’t want. You can visit and I’ll still come back here and …’
‘No. I think I’d like that.’
Jackson stops and pulls me around so I’m facing him. ‘Would you?’ His hazel eyes are anxious as they scan my face.
‘Milo’s been touring the festivals for the summer season, but we’ve already talked about him using The Beach House for private events and that takes care of the rent.
And then I can teach him how to make a decent coffee.
’ It’s my turn to kick the water only this time it lands on Jackson. ‘I don’t want to be without you.’
‘Really?’ I can hear the smile in his voice. He pulls me to him. ‘I don’t want to be without you either. I also think the Jaffle Hut is the perfect place to run photography nights from and Milly agrees.’
‘I’ll have to save for my ticket and get a visa.’
He pulls something from his shirt pocket. It’s an envelope folded in half. ‘I might have something to help with part of that.’ He hands me an envelope with my name in Sophie’s handwriting. ‘She made me promise I’d give it to you after everything was done.’
I slip a finger under the flap and ease it open. It contains a single sheet of folded paper and I can feel him watching me as I read.
‘Your mum really did have a solution to everything, didn’t she?’ I say with a grin, holding a voucher for a ticket to Australia on Cathay Pacific airlines.
‘I think she knew way before even we did what was in our future,’ he says as his eyes flash briefly skyward. ‘Do you think one day you might want to try again?’
I know exactly what he’s talking about and my hand briefly brushes my tummy.
I could go into how that thought frightens me and what happens if history repeats itself.
But all those fears are for another day.
One thing I am certain about is that I’d love to have a family with him. ‘With you? Yes, I’d like that.’
I pull him to me and go up on tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck. ‘I love you, Jackson Meers. And for once I think we’d better listen to our elders and go forwards with the rest of our lives together. Whatever that looks like.’
‘I think you might be right, Ellie Pittens.’ He runs his finger down my profile and my whole chest explodes.
‘Together, for all our tomorrows whatever is thrown at us.’ Then he leans in and kisses me and I know whatever the future holds from here on in, we’ll be together and I can’t think of a better way to face it.