Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
E stelle braced her knees before knocking on Harper’s door. She wasn’t quite sure what had made her come over here, but she needed to talk to someone and she needed that someone to have an outside perspective.
The door opened quickly, and Harper’s face widened into a smile. “Hey!” She stepped out to hug Estelle. “What brings you by?”
Estelle hugged her friend then stepped back, feeling suddenly awkward at the intrusion. “I, uh…I was hoping you had a moment to chat.”
Harper nodded. “Of course.” She stepped back, opening the door wider. “Mason and Layla are both gone, so we have the house to ourselves.” She laughed low and rubbed her stomach. “Unless you count this one, but I don’t think they’ll remember much so you’re safe.”
Estelle laughed as well, but the sound was slightly forced.
“Go on in.” Harper waved her away from the entryway. “Have a seat on the couch, and I’ll bring tea.”
“Don’t go to any trouble?—”
Harper shook her head. “Sit. I’ll be right there. ”
Estelle relaxed and walked into the family room, plopping on the soft couch. She bounced her foot, time passing more slowly than normal as she waited for Harper to come back. Why was life so awkward suddenly? Harper had been Estelle’s friend for ages, but now that Estelle was unsure of her future, she wasn’t sure how to behave.
“Here we go.” Harper came around the couch, handed a steaming mug to Estelle, then chose her own seat. “Now. While this cools enough for us to drink, tell me what’s going on.”
Estelle laughed sarcastically, wrapping her shaking hands around the mug. “What isn’t going on?”
“You and Crew,” Harper shot back, raising an eyebrow when Estelle jerked. “I’ve heard things are a little rough in that direction.”
Estelle sighed and leaned forward. “So you’re saying that you and Crew talk about me?”
Harper made a sheepish face. “Not really. I just ask questions and wait until he breaks.”
“And what have you forced out of him?” Estelle’s stomach was doing double backflips. This conversation had the potential to be very good or very bad, but considering how weird things had been with Crew lately, it was probably very bad.
Maybe, however, that was a good thing. Maybe talking it out with Harper meant that Estelle would know whether or not she had a chance at repairing the damage she’d done after her father died.
Harper huffed a laugh. “Stelle, are you asking me to gossip about my brother-in-law?”
“It sounds like you were already gossiping about me,” Estelle shot back.
“True enough.” Harper sighed and tucked her feet underneath her. “Honestly? We mostly talked about how we thought you were doing since your dad’s passing.” Harper’s lips curved down. “We’re all worried about you.” She sipped her tea, watching Estelle over the top of the cup .
Estelle sighed again and looked into the dark, swirling liquid. “I appreciate it,” she murmured. “But I’m fine.”
“You’re not,” Harper said. “But it’s okay not to be alright. None of us would be alright after what you went through.”
Pinching her lips, Estelle dropped her head back on the couch. “I’m tired of not being alright, though. I just want to move on.”
“And what’s stopping you?”
Estelle didn’t answer right away. With the way her stomach refused to settle, she was starting to fear that she’d never be able to eat again. “I…I’m not sure.”
“How’s your mom?”
Estelle brought her head up. “What?’
“Your mom,” Harper said again. “How’s she doing?”
Estelle ticked her head from side to side. “Okay, actually. She and I had a good talk this morning.”
“About?”
Estelle scowled. “Nosy.”
Harper grinned and shrugged one shoulder. “You came to me, Stelle. No shooting the messenger.”
“True enough.” Blowing out a breath, Estelle thought carefully about her words. “About my life moving forward.”
“And what do you want that life to look like?” Harper took another sip, looking entirely too innocent for someone doing a deep interrogation.
“I feel sorry for your children someday.”
Harper laughed. “Things change when you become an instant mom.”
Estelle joined her friend, more of her tension melting away. This was a safe place, even if Estelle felt like a fool having to admit what was going on. “I want to have a life,” she said softly, keeping an eye on Harper in her peripheral vision. “But I’m afraid that Crew won’t forgive me.” Estelle huffed. “I didn’t really mean to, but I kind of ghosted him since my dad’s funeral.”
Harper’s face said she was sympathetic, but she didn’t interrupt this time.
“I’m…I’m tired of living my life in a way that denies me any chance to have my own…” Estelle made a face. “My own…choices?” She shook her head. “No, that’s not it.”
“Happiness?” Harper offered.
“Sort of,” Estelle responded, “but I feel like happiness is a choice. I can choose to be happy no matter my circumstances, right?”
Harper took a sip of her drink. “Yes…” She stated slowly. “But I think there are things we all need in order to be fulfilled enough to be happy.” Harper dropped her legs and leaned forward. “Estelle, you’ve been so busy helping others that I think you’ve probably denied your own needs for too long.”
Estelle’s bottom lip quivered. “That’s what my mom said.” She took a deep breath. “Right before she kicked me out.”
Harper gasped. “What?”
Estelle laughed. “Right? I didn’t know she had it in her.”
“What are you going to do?”
Estelle took a moment to think before responding. “I think maybe she’s right. It’s time I start living on my own.” She shrugged one shoulder. “I’ll have to see if there’s anything available for rent. It never occurred to me I’d get out before I got married. And I’m sure mom will still need help with Antony, despite what she says, so it’s not like I need to go rushing into anything.”
“Well…” The way Harper drew out the word had a playful edge to it, and Estelle frowned suspiciously. “Unless, I miss my guess…”
The doorbell rang.
Harper pointed at the sound. “I think you should answer that.”
Crew looked back over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows. Mason gave him a cheesy thumbs up, which was quickly followed by one from Layla, who was grinning like a maniac from her spot on her dad’s lap.
They’d graciously waited in the car so Crew could talk to Estelle, but he’d rang the doorbell, and no one was answering, which was making him nervous. Did he ring it again? Did he just wait longer? Wasn’t Harper planning to send her to the door?
The door creaked, and Crew spun around, trying to act as if he was cool and calm. Estelle’s golden brown eyes met his and widened. Her hair was pulled back in a plain ponytail and she was free from makeup, but nothing had looked so good to Crew in weeks. “Hey,” he said softly, rocking back on his heels to keep from grabbing her and kissing her right there in front of his brother and niece.
“Hey,” she said breathlessly. Her hand shook as she reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “What…what brings you to town?”
Crew stepped forward, crowding into her space. Her voice was trembling, her breath was shallow, and the pulse under her jaw was visibly racing. He was taking a chance that this was good excitement rather than bad, but he had to know.
“You.”
Those eyes flared again. “Me?”
Crew nodded and dared to reach out. He ran his knuckle along her jawline, loving the feel of her skin. His imagination hadn’t done a good job in remembering just how soft it was. “I love my brother and his family, Stelle,” Crew murmured. “But I’m here to see you.”
“You didn’t say anything,” she choked out, her eyes wide and her hands gripped tightly together.
“You haven’t been in the mood to chat lately, so I thought I’d come make it easier.” His breath stalled in his lungs until he heard the sound of tires behind him. Frowning, Crew looked over his shoulder to see Mason pulling out of the driveway. Harper was in the passenger seat with a sheepish smile on her face and Layla was tucked in the back.
Harper must have slipped through a side door, and now his brother was letting him have some time with Estelle. Apparently, even Sasquatch had a good idea now and again.
Crew turned back to Estelle who was silently crying, and his good mood shattered like dropped glass. “Stelle…what…” Crew swallowed, unsure what to say or do. Before all of this he would have grabbed her and hugged her, but things were different between them and he didn’t know where to draw the line.
“Sorry.” She wiped at her face, but the tears kept coming. “I’m…” Estelle sighed and threw up her hands. “I don’t know what I am.”
He couldn’t stand still. He just couldn't. If she wanted to slap him or something, Crew gave her full permission to do so. Stepping forward, Crew pulled on Estelle’s upper arms and jerked her into his chest. “I know what you are,” he whispered, his voice slightly hoarse from the heavy emotions clogging his throat.
“You do?” she sniffed.
Crew nodded, her hair tickling his face. “You’re an angel,” he began.
Estelle snorted, but Crew ignored her.
“You’re kind and duty driven. You’re beautiful and intelligent. You’re family oriented and morally strong. You’re perceptive and ambitious. You’re the right fit in my arms and the most delectable woman I’ve ever kissed.”
Her body began to shake, and Crew tightened his hold.
“In other words, you’re the perfect woman in the world to me, Estelle, and this last month has been horrible.”
Her arms wrapped around his back, and she gripped his shirt tightly. “I missed you so much,” she whispered thickly. “But I didn’t see it through the haze. I was so lost in my own mind, and I didn’t know how to get out.”
“I’m sorry I left you.” Crew closed his eyes, pressing back his own tears. “I’m sorry the timing was horrible, and I’m especially sorry that I didn’t tell you that I loved you before I left.” He blew out a breath. “I kept feeling like it wasn’t the right time, so instead of saying it, I tried to show you and…” His chest deflated, and Estelle looked up .
“I saw,” she said, shaking her head. “None of this was your fault. You have been here. You tried so much harder than I could ever deserve, and I feel like our relationship has been so one-sided I’m not sure how I could ever make it up to you. It makes no sense that you would ever still be interested in me.”
Crew dropped his forehead to hers. The desire to kiss her into submission was crushing, but he held out. They weren’t done talking yet, and they couldn’t keep pushing this back. This conversation had been put off long enough.
“Relationships aren’t about being even,” he said. “Whoever said it should be fifty-fifty is an idiot.”
Estelle barked an incredulous laugh, breaking their connection.
Crew straightened and smiled down, keeping his arms around her waist so she couldn’t go far. “I was raised, quite possibly, by the world’s worst parents,” he began.
Estelle’s face fell. “I’ve heard a few things from Harper and Mason. I’m so sorry?—”
Crew put a finger on her lips. “I’m not trying to ask for sympathy. I’m making a point.”
Estelle’s lips pressed together, twitching at the edge as she held back a smile.
“They wanted our relationship to be completely one-sided. One hundred from me, nothing from them.” Crew made a face. “All of us learned quickly how horrible that was, and we escaped as soon as we could. But Mason is a lot like you.”
Estelle grinned. “Are you saying he’s the most delectable woman you’ve ever kissed?”
Crew dropped his head to her shoulder with laughter. “Should I add that you’re hilarious to the list?” he asked through his guffaws.
“I should definitely add it to my resume,” Estelle responded, threading her hand through the back of his hair.
Crew relaxed, letting the feel of her thin fingers on his scalp calm him. How he’d ever left this place was currently beyond his comprehension. “To get back to my point,” he said, turning his face so his lips were against her neck. He grinned when a shiver ran down through her. “Mason likes to take care of people, which was helpful, since his parenting made my childhood tolerable. But once we were adults and we were searching for our sister Aimee, I realized things had to change. I was older and had more to offer. Mason couldn’t keep doing it all on his own.”
Against his better judgment, Crew raised his head. He really liked that spot right under her ear, but again…they needed to get this out.
“So the relationship and the search became more even,” Crew explained, studying every line and angle of her stunning face. “Until he was taking care of Layla. While I wasn’t physically present, I helped in other ways to try and offset my part of our relationship, but it wasn’t enough. Harper helped even it out again.”
Estelle’s brow furrowed just slightly, and Crew decided it was time to get to the point.
“What I’m trying to say is…our relationship might be fifty-fifty once in a while, when things are going well and we’re both healthy and happy, but life doesn’t sit in that mode. When you only have thirty, I’ll make up the seventy. When a kid bites my fingers at work and I only have ten, I know I can trust you to have the ninety we need.” He cupped her cheek and brought them close again. “We’ll enjoy the easy part when it comes, but Stelle…together we can enjoy every part, no matter who’s carrying the heavier load. Right now, I want to help carry your load. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. You take the time to mourn and grieve as you need to. I’m here. Sometimes I’m helping from California, but I’m still willing to help. I’m willing to carry the heavier load until you’re ready to pick it up again.”
He closed his eyes, leaving a soft kiss on her warm forehead. “I know you’re hurting,” he continued, his voice softer than before. “I know this is hard. I’m not asking you to get over it or pretend all’s well. I’m simply asking for you to not shut me out. Together, we can survive this. But you have to be willing to let me in, Estelle. I can’t force my way through your barriers.”
Her hands once again clutched his shirt, and she leaned back just enough to look him in the eyes, her brown eyes swimming in tears. “I seem to have had several frank discussions this morning, but this one might be the most important of all.” Her fingers straightened, and she pressed her palm against his heart, which pounded harder in his chest as if trying to reach her through his ribs.
“I need you to know that I love you,” she said seriously. “I honestly don’t know how I'd have gotten through these last few months without you. When you went home…” Estelle swallowed audibly, her eyes dropped down. “When you weren’t here, I lost my focus. My dad was gone, you were gone, my mom was lost, Antony’s still stuck in his own head, and my sisters have their new families.” She shook her head, her lips pursing as she looked up to him again. “I know we’ll survive this, Crew. I know my family will eventually get back on their feet, and I’ll eventually find my way. But I want you to go through this with me.” She blew out a breath. “I hugged my mother today for the first time in a month, and although it was wonderful, I realized it wasn’t her arms I wanted any more.” She leaned into his chest. “I wanted yours. If you’ll have me, broken pieces and all, I desperately want to be your girlfriend, no matter how far apart we are or how long it takes for us to get things running smoothly. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize it.”
He couldn’t wait any longer. Leaning down, he paused just before touching her mouth. “I’m going to kiss you now,” Crew rasped. “I’m not necessarily good with words, but I’m hoping I can show you how I feel instead.” Before she could respond, Crew brought them together.
He pulled her tighter, giving everything he had into the kiss, willing her to feel what he was trying to convey. He’d waited. They’d talked enough. No more apologies, no more explanations. It was time for action, and Crew’s time was short. And he planned to use every second of it to its best advantage.