Chapter Twenty-One
Avari
Another day of trekking through the wilderness passed quickly, and the search proved fruitless before we decided it wasn’t the right place.
Neither of us knew what to look for. However, this land seemed too sleepy and peaceful for somebody as formidable as one of the Crones. A part of me wondered whether River chose it on purpose to spend some time alone with me, but I tried to get past it.
He was helping me, even after I told him we were platonic and that whatever we used to have between us would likely never happen again.
I didn’t think he believed that, and with every second in his proximity, I struggled to see how I could muster enough willpower to stay away until the end of time—but the hurt from his betrayal lingered.
Such hurt couldn’t be doused by a few short, sweet moments. No matter how much I wanted it to.
We drove through long, winding roads I recognised from the time I woke up on the way there and actually paid attention.
‘When do you want to go to the next destination? You probably need some rest,’ River said, visibly more relaxed behind the wheel than two days ago.
‘Rest isn’t the issue, but I have other commitments.’ I didn’t go into detail. ‘Maybe in two days, I’ll let you know.’
His brows drew together as he looked at me. ‘There’s hollowness under your eyes that wasn’t there before. You need rest, Ava. If you can’t get it there and don’t want to go back to the castle, can I at least find you somewhere else in Fogoya to sleep?’
‘No, it’s fine. That’s Willow for you. That apple didn’t fall far from the tree.’ I sighed, reaching up to touch the supposed bags beneath my eyes. ‘Miriam is getting us earplugs anyway.’
Like they could help. The sleep I found beside him was unlike anything else, as though my body recognised his presence on some deep molecular or magical level and refused to surrender to true rest unless he was close enough for me to breathe in the scent of his skin and listen to the low timbre of his voice that always seemed to soothe me…
As hurt as I was, it was as though my body hadn’t received the memo, and he could never know just how deeply he affected me.
‘The offer stands,’ he said under his breath. Then he stared ahead and grew tenser by the second until the words blurted out of him, ‘Do you have a man in the Isles?’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
River swallowed hard. He was making me nervous. Platonic comrades didn’t get to peek into each other’s beds, even if the accusation was so ridiculous that a quiet laugh slipped free before I could stop it. He didn’t appreciate it.
The usual calming warmth that enveloped me whenever we were close had begun to turn uncomfortable.
Whatever he was imagining had him on edge, yet all I could focus on was the audacity of him not only accusing me of sleeping around, but doing so after we’d already accepted that whatever had once bloomed between us was done and dusted.
‘You smell of a fae male, Ava. It’s harsh and acidic and clings to you.
’ The words burned more than they should have.
His patience thinned audibly. ‘It’s okay if you do; I’m not in a position to judge or expect anything else…
It’s just that my stupid fucking brain won’t let me get any rest either until I at least have that answer. ’
I turned to him and met his piercing look with one of my own. ‘I live with two fae males, River. And there are several working at the estate, not that I owe you an explanation.’
Sweat dripped down my neck as the car grew insanely hot. I opened the window with magic, unwilling to drop my eyes. I wouldn’t let him win this.
‘You don’t, but I’m going to ask anyway,’ his voice lowered as his hands kept tightening on the steering wheel, like one wrong move might snap it in half. ‘Are you having relations with someone?’
Nosy, entitled bastard. I couldn't believe my ears. ‘How will my answer help you rest exactly? If I were to fess up to any flings, wouldn’t that just wreck you even more?’
He shook his head, his eyes distant as he turned his attention back to the road. He was at war with himself, and for both our sakes, I hoped he reined his flames in. ‘Knowing lets me deal. Otherwise, I’ll just keep imagining it.’
There was no logic in his reasoning. I watched him, making no attempt to hide how harshly I was judging him.
‘I think the second I fessed up, your imagination would run wild,’ I said, my words coming out angrier than I intended because that was exactly how I felt.
How dare he? He was crossing the line.
‘Are you tormenting me on purpose?’ His voice sounded tired, and the pathetic person I am, I started to feel sorry for him. ‘Tell me. Please.’
Anger wrapped in flames built inside my chest, as though the allegation had offended the very magic that thirsted for him enough to leave me breathless. It was as if the fire itself had taken offence.
‘I’m not having any relations,’ I seethed, clenching my fists. ‘Do you even believe me?’
A long sigh tore out of him. ‘Of course I believe you.’ He paused, blinking slowly like he needed to calm himself down too. ‘And I’m sorry, it’s a mate thing.’
‘What is?’
Keeping quiet for several seconds while assessing how agitated I was, River eventually explained, ‘I already told you fae are possessive of their mates. You have no idea the restraint it takes not to keep you in Fogoya to make sure you’re safe… and with me.’
How easily he spoke of trapping me scared me. I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s prisoner anytime soon. ‘That would be kidnapping, River.’
‘You think my instincts care?’ he snickered, a flush creeping across his face as he looked away.
The conversation tired me; I wanted home. ‘Why are you telling me this?’
Voice soft, he asked barely above a whisper, ‘Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?’
Not this again.
‘River, I thought we agreed to be platonic?’ I whined.
‘I will agree to be anything you want me to be if it means you won’t shut me out completely,’ he said, shutting down.
‘Okay.’
‘Fine.’
We exited the portal in the Fogoyan castle, and River kept me company for countless minutes until Alec showed up to take me home.
The silence between us felt wrong, like a fog trying to collapse our lungs. It replaced oxygen with suffering, and anything positive we had built or recovered during the search faded beneath its sinister implications.
Ever since we stopped talking after he accused me of sleeping around, whenever I allowed myself to glance his way, the lively embers in his eyes looked dull, as though the light within them had dimmed. And I hated that I was the reason.
The distance between us made him paranoid. That it was partially my fault drowned me in guilt. Before it showed, I fixed my posture and carried on putting on a brave face.
‘Thank you for helping me,’ I said to him when it was time to go.
Averting his gaze, he looked too ashamed to speak. He took a moment to blink the emotions away. ‘Ava, the things I said—’
I couldn’t bear this. ‘It’s fine, River. Can we just forget the whole conversation?’
My offer hung between us as he looked sideways to where Alec stood and watched us with a serious expression. Whatever he saw in River’s face made him turn away.
‘Will you text me?’ he asked, angling his head down towards me.
The hope shining in his gaze just about killed me. ‘I will. Bye, River.’
His soft gaze never strayed. ‘Get some rest, Ava.’