Chapter 20
I finally got the door open and Cooper followed me inside, quickly closing the door behind us.
Outside the rain was falling steadily now and I was fairly certain that between the rain on the windscreen and Cooper disappearing into his jacket, the person in the car couldn’t have recognised him.
I guessed he was thinking the same, because he visibly relaxed once we were inside.
‘Bloody weather, eh?’ he said, jerking a thumb towards the windows. It was too performatively casual, the way he said it. It was all wrong and my insides twisted uncomfortably. A moment ago I’d been desperate to kiss him, now I was doused in the cold realisation that I still barely knew him.
‘Yeah,’ I muttered, twisting one of my hands into my scarf anxiously. Was I really going to say something? But, in the end, it just sort of slipped out. ‘So… what was that about?’
‘What?’ His expression was open and innocent, those brown puppy eyes big and confused. But underneath it there was a sliver of tension in his jaw. He knew I’d noticed something going on. I think we were both surprised I’d actually called him on it.
‘You sort of freaked out a bit when that car came past. Like you were worried someone was going to jump out and grab you,’ I said, trying to keep my voice light.
Rain rattled off the windows in the silence and Cooper was the first to look away, glancing down at the floor and shifting his boots around.
I waited, and inside I could feel my good mood fading away.
The temperature was dropping rapidly and it wasn’t just the rain behind it.
So it wasn’t just Richard who’d lied to me. Were there any honest men at all?
What hurt the most was that I didn’t even really have any right to feel upset or angry.
Who was Cooper to me, really? I’d met him a handful of times and chatted a bit and yes, I’d felt a pull towards him.
A spark there that I’d tried to ignore but maybe that had all been delusion.
A weird aftershock of my break-up. Literally the day after I caught Richard cheating, I’d happened upon Cooper, and it was hard to ignore the implications of that.
First the break-up, then the mysterious stranger – it was like a film. I’d let myself get carried away.
‘Look, you don’t have to tell me,’ I said, as neutrally as possible.
‘I know I don’t have any right to know about your life, and it’s none of my business, but…
it’s sort of obvious that you’re worried about something, or someone.
That you’re running away or hiding… and if you want to talk about it, I’d like to help.
If I can. You don’t have to deal with it all by yourself. ’
Cooper’s jaw worked for a second and I watched the way his lip moved as he ran his tongue over his teeth, chasing words as he looked for something to say.
I stood there, watching him and listening to the rain lashing down outside, and told myself that whatever he said next, I would try to be supportive and not let shock get the better of me.
Even if he said he was on the run from a drug dealer, or that he’d stolen money from his last employer, or he had a wife and child somewhere.
I could be a good friend. He clearly needed one.
Then he cleared his throat. ‘You know what, you’re right…’
I took a steadying breath.
‘… it is none of your business.’
The words stung like a slap, not just because they were unexpected and mean, but because he was right.
I didn’t have any right to probe into Cooper’s secrets.
We were basically strangers. In fact, I felt it more so in that moment than I had when we’d first met.
He was so cold and sharp, looking at me as if he’d caught me going through his things.
I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself.
Before I could think of anything to say to that, he’d turned and let himself out into the pouring rain.
‘Cooper!’ It burst out of me in shock. I ran to the door and threw it open, ignoring the jingling of the bell, which was quickly swallowed up by the downpour outside. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, it’s pouring!’
But he was already running down the street, a blur in the rain, his hair plastered to his scalp. The shadows of the oncoming evening gobbled him up and I was left with just the rain and the hissing of a passing car. Damn it.
I shut the door and leant against it. It wasn’t just the weather that had me trembling.
I hadn’t been afraid of Cooper at all – not when he’d shouted at me when we met, or when I was getting changed on his boat, not even when he randomly showed up while I was shopping.
I wasn’t afraid of him even now I knew he had a secret.
But, at the same time, I did feel really, really stupid.
Who was he really? He was just a random man that chance had thrown in my path.
I didn’t even know his first name. Yet I’d just trusted him immediately – borrowed his clothes and let him into my car, my home, into my shop after hours.
I’d offered him the use of my business address only a half-hour ago.
Just me being a na?ve, trusting little fool all over again.
Exactly as I’d been with Richard. I sat down behind the counter, ashamed and angry with myself.
Given all the risks I’d taken, I was lucky all I’d got was a scathing remark.
He could easily have gone through my handbag while I was changing on the boat, or used my address to commit fraud.
Whatever Cooper’s secrets were, they were nothing I wanted to get involved with.
Really, he’d done me a favour by throwing my concern in my face.
With my umbrella in hand, I left the shop and was careful to lock up properly.
The time to be open and trusting was over.
I’d let myself be taken advantage of twice now, by Richard and then by Cooper.
Mum had always told me I was too idealistic, that I expected too much of people. Maybe she was right.
I knew where I needed to go.
Back at the flat I got into my car and drove over to my parents’ house.
It was still raining buckets and the stick-on butterflies on the front of the house were flapping wildly in the onslaught.
I rushed to the front door and rang the bell.
The distinctive sound of Mum’s marabou-trimmed indoor wedges came slapping down the hallway.
She was wearing a bright pink sweatshirt and offensively floral leggings, as if she was still clinging to summer.
She took one look at me and her face fell.
‘Oh… sweetie.’
I didn’t quite throw myself into her arms, but it was close.
Because she was so much shorter and slighter than me, she rocked backwards on her heels.
Within a minute she’d hustled me into the living room and we were curled up on the blindingly cyan leather sofa she’d had specially made when I was a teenager.
She picked up a white furry pillow and threw it at my dad in his armchair.
‘Make us some tea, love.’
Dad fled to the kitchen and I heard him rattling spoons and mugs with purpose.
I knew from experience that he would bring the tea and then vanish again, either to the pub or to the shed, his two safe zones whenever emotional upsets were detected.
As long as there was someone else there to offer support, he was eager to duck out.
‘What’s up, sweetie? Is it work?’ Mum asked, slowly stroking my back.
I shook my head against her shoulder. Even though the shop was struggling and I had no idea how to fix it, or how I was going to even afford the rent on it in a few months.
The awful feeling in my chest was not about pending financial ruin.
‘… Richard?’ Mum seemed reluctant to bring him up and I wondered if she was thinking of my hasty departure from her garden party. Maybe she did feel bad about that after all.
Dad returned with two cups of tea and moments later I heard his keys jingling as he left the house. It was probably too wet out for him to go down the garden to the shed. He’d have driven to the pub. Mum would text him the all-clear later once things were resolved.
I sat back and wiped at my face with my sleeve. Mum tutted and whisked a tissue from the bedazzled box on the table. I dabbed at my eyes and blew my nose.
‘It’s so stupid,’ I muttered. ‘I just… I feel like I’ve been a complete idiot, trusting all the wrong people and getting let down…’
‘Oh, honey, it’s not your fault for trusting him. He just made a mistake, that’s all. It’s nothing to do with you.’ Mum rubbed my arm and looked at me ruefully. ‘You mustn’t blame yourself.’
I nearly let out a wet little laugh at that.
Of course, now it wasn’t my fault – now that I was literally sobbing on her sofa.
Why did it take me breaking down to earn a bit of genuine concern?
It was as if she couldn’t tell I was upset without me bawling right in front of her.
My own mother, who’d known me from birth, who’d raised me, couldn’t tell when I was hurting.
I sucked in a stuttering breath. ‘But there must have been red flags and I didn’t see them.
Didn’t want to see them. Like an idiot,’ I sighed.
‘And then you asked me if I was sure I wanted to break up with him and now I’m…
maybe I’m not sure and I’m just rethinking a lot of my choices lately and wondering if I should even be allowed to make my own decisions, because I keep making things worse. ’
‘Like what?’ Mum asked, confused. ‘Other than Richard…’
‘Oh just…’ I didn’t want to talk about Cooper, it would take too much explaining.
I’d feel like even more of an idiot telling Mum I’d been crushing on a stranger.
‘With the shop. Like maybe starting a business wasn’t the best idea.
Like you said, I’m too idealistic. I went into it with a dream and now the reality is so much different. Just like with Richard.’