Chapter 31 #3
He was looking at me with such a soft-eyed openness that it almost hurt to look at.
But, at the same time, I didn’t want to look away, even as it made my heart ache in my chest. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but right there, on that boat, with that man.
I reached over the table and he took my hand.
‘To be fair, at first I did think you were slightly mad,’ Cooper said, mouth twitching cheekily.
‘But as soon as you started talking about the jumper and the crochet… how much it obviously hurt you to give it away, it reminded me of how I felt when I was painting. How special a thing it was to make that portrait for my parents and give it to them, to share something I was so proud of…’ He squeezed my hand, looking down at our interlaced fingers.
‘You sort of made me see the point in trying again. In valuing my own skills.’
‘You’d already painted the boat, though,’ I pointed out. ‘You don’t need to give me credit…’
‘Yeah, well… that was me freaking out on the first day I spent on here. Painting that made me feel more in control, and it…’ He laughed at himself drily.
‘It sounds stupid but it took me right back to when I learned watercolours at school. To when it all just clicked for me and I was happy and it felt like I had my whole future ahead of me.’
Warmth flooded my chest. ‘That’s not stupid… that’s how crochet makes me feel. When I’m sad, it’s like having my aunt there with me. And it helps.’
Our eyes met and the warm weight of understanding travelled between us.
Even though his eyes were reddened and he was unshaven and tired-looking, I’d never been more attracted to anyone than the way I was to him at that moment.
I wanted to put my arms around him and be close to him.
It just felt easy, like reaching the end of a row with a perfect stitch count, the right tension, everything aligned to make the pattern turn out exactly right.
I watched his throat bob as he swallowed, a tiny frown creasing his forehead. ‘Why didn’t you pay in the cheque?’
‘The… oh, that… was that not a joke?’ I asked, my heart skipping over itself.
Cooper’s frown became more playful. ‘I don’t tend to write many “joke cheques” because that’s a really stupid way to lose a lot of money.
I wanted you to have it because your work was worth it – it’s really good, I have no idea how you do it and, from what you said, it seemed like what’s-his-face didn’t really appreciate it any more than my dad did my painting so… hence the cheque.’
I giggled. ‘Hence?’
‘Verily,’ Copper snorted. ‘Christ, I don’t know. It made sense at the time. As you can probably tell, I’m not exactly doing great in the decision-making department.’
I groaned. ‘Same… I, um, I got back together with “what’s-his-face” after… when we stopped speaking.’
Cooper’s eyes were as dark and curious as Charlie’s. ‘When we stopped speaking,’ he echoed.
My cheeks burned. ‘It wasn’t like you drove me back into his arms or anything. I just, it was a low point and I went to my mum for what turned out to be some well-intentioned, but ultimately not that applicable, advice.’
‘Ah,’ Cooper nodded, though I could see he still had a lot of questions. ‘So you’ve broken up with him again?’
‘Um… sort of but not really?’ I said, feeling awkward. ‘I decided I wanted to break up with him, but then he stayed out late and left early, so it’s sort of a “when I see him next” thing. I thought doing it over text or the phone would be a bit insensitive.’
Cooper nodded. ‘And, obviously, you want to be sensitive towards the guy who brought another woman into your home,’ he said, pulling a face.
I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a long sigh. ‘I know… but, for my sake at least, I want to keep it civil.’
‘That’s because you’re a good person – much better than me,’ Cooper pointed out. ‘If I’d walked in on someone cheating on me, I’d… probably buy a boat and run away.’
‘Sounds like a better strategy, if I’m being honest,’ I sighed.
‘It has its moments but, I wouldn’t recommend it.
’ Cooper looked around the kitchen and then down at our joined hands.
‘Since coming here, I’ve been struck with the realisation that most of what was making me miserable wasn’t the job or my family, it was the stuff I carry around in my head.
All the regrets and wasted time. I can’t outrun those. ’
‘But that doesn’t mean they’re going to be there forever,’ I said, thinking of my own epiphany in the woods. ‘There’s always time to change and try again, now you’ve had some room to think. You can go back and talk to your family and start over the right way this time.’
Cooper’s thumb traced over mine, the whisper of a new callus against my skin. My breath stuttered. ‘I’m not sure I want to go back, not physically anyway. There’s… I think I’d regret going before I found out what could happen here.’
‘Here?’ I echoed, and leant in a little at the same time as he did, over the pile of Leaford sketches.
‘Mmm,’ Cooper hummed in agreement, and his mouth brushed mine, autumn-chapped lips and stubble taking my breath away.
Both of us jumped as someone started pounding on the outer door.