Chapter 32 Aurora
AURORA
It’s quiet in the car on the drive back to the house, and I keep my eyes out the dark window, watching the night woosh past.
I can’t quit picking at my thumbs. I can’t calm the racing of my heart.
I can’t be still, and I know it’s annoying my uncle, because, for the third time in ten minutes, he places his palm on my knee to halt my bouncing.
I send him an apologetic smile, then ask him the same question I’ve already asked him multiple times since we left Brady’s hotel this morning.
“Did I do the right thing?”
He arches a brow. “Do you think you did the right thing?”
“Yes.”
“Then it’s the right thing.”
I sigh. He’s been giving me the same answer every time I ask, and I’m tired of it.
“Uncle Wade. I want to know what you think.”
“Why?”
“Because. It’s important to me.”
He pauses, scanning my face with eyes that are so much like my father’s that my chest aches. Then he takes my hand and folds it between both of his, and my eyes well with tears. My father used to do this exact thing, and in this moment, it’s like he’s here with me.
“I think it was the right decision,” my uncle says finally, giving my hand a squeeze, “and your parents would think so, too.”
I close my eyes and soak up his words, hoping they’re true.
I didn’t get married thinking I’d file for divorce eighteen months later, but I spent all day in a hotel board room video conferencing with divorce lawyers my uncle hired.
I didn’t agree to move in with the Sinclairs thinking I’d risk slipping into darkness, but here I am, four years later, fighting to claw myself back out of it.
It feels like it’s happening too fast, but not fast enough, and all I can do is go one step at a time.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I’m scared. Everything is going to change so drastically. I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“It’s okay to be scared. Change can be very scary. What you did took courage, and I’m so damn proud of you for being scared and doing it anyway. You can do this, Aurora Jade. You deserve to be happy, and I’m glad we’re going about it this way and not through a contract killer.”
I hiccup on a laugh as tears start to fall down my face. “You want me to be happy even if I have to move into your basement?”
He arches a brow. “Even if you fall for my degenerate drummer.”
I almost choke on my own spit with how violently my muscles freeze.
“What?”
My voice is barely a croak around the word, and a playful smile takes over my uncle’s face.
“It’s my job to know everything,” he says, as if it’s no big deal, and my jaw drops at his implication.
To know everything? What does that mean? Is he saying he knows I have feelings for Mabel, or is he saying he knows I had my face between her thighs a few nights ago? What exactly does he know? Should I ask? Do I want to know?
I shake my head to rattle away the thought. No, I definitely do not.
“Are you mad?”
“Rossi is a good kid.”
“She’s thirty, Uncle Wade.”
My uncle’s eyes flare. “Don’t remind me, or I will be mad.”
I fold my lips between my teeth to hide my smile and jerk out a nod. Then, just as we’re pulling into the circle driveway, he squeezes my hand once more.
“You deserve happiness, Aurora. Whatever that looks like.”
“Thank you. I love you, too.”
Red parks the car and leads us into the dark house, and after a quick good night to both him and my uncle, I make my way upstairs to my bedroom. I change out of my clothes quickly, check myself in the mirror, and moments later, I let my feet carry me out onto the terrace.
I need to talk to Mabel, to tell her how I feel before it’s too late, because our last conversation has been weighing heavily on my mind.
She’s considering going back to Kat. I can’t let that happen. I lied to her. I told her it was fine. I said we wouldn’t work out. That I couldn’t make her happy. I didn’t mean it. I just needed to get my own problems under control, and now that I have, I need to set things right with Mabel.
It’s dark in her room, and I debate knocking, but she makes the decision for me when she opens the door and gives me a tired smile.
“Hey. When did you get back?”
She takes a seat at the little patio table, so I follow her lead.
“Just a couple of minutes ago. Were you sleeping?”
“No.”
“Oh. Well, I’m glad I didn’t wake you, then.”
She nods, casting her eyes out toward the ocean, and I can’t tell if the cool chill is from her or the night air. I fist my hands in my lap and shift in my seat.
“I told him I want a divorce,” I say, and she turns back to face me.
“How did that go?”
“Not good at first.” I wince when I replay it in my head.
“Thankfully Red and Uncle Wade were there. Brady got manipulative, pretended to be sad, he even cried a little. When that didn’t work, he started making threats.
I’ll be destitute. My brother would hate it.
I’ll never find a man who will want me. That sort of thing.
Which honestly is a little funny because I know the first two are lies, and I don’t particularly care about that last one. ”
I laugh awkwardly, and her lips curve into a small smile that heightens my nerves. It doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s closed off and distant. This isn’t how I saw this going.
“Anyway, Uncle Wade and Red were more intimidating, so Brady backed down pretty quick. Uncle Wade said he would sue him and file a restraining order, then threatened his job, which is probably the only thing Brady cares about. After that, he agreed to leave Australia immediately and accept my divorce filing uncontested.”
“You think he will keep his word?”
I frown, then shake my head. I’ve thought about this a lot since Brady left for the airport.
“No, not right away. I think he’ll go back to California and change his mind, and then Uncle Wade will have to make the threats all over again. Might even have to follow through on some of them, but...” I shrug. “In the end, he’ll do it. And then I’ll be free.”
I feel Mabel’s eyes on me, and I turn toward her. “I’m happy for you, Aurora. You deserve that freedom.”
Her tone of voice makes me wary, but I tell myself she’s just tired. That’s it. Things couldn’t have changed between us so drastically so quickly, right? But then I think of the card from Kat, and I start to doubt everything.
“Mabel, can I ask you a question?”
“Anything.”
“Are you going to choose Kat?”
Her brow creases, and she shakes her head.
“No, Aurora. I called her yesterday and told her that it was really over, and that I had no interest in going public with her.”
“Oh, good.”
I release a sigh of relief, my tense shoulders drooping slightly with the exhale, then I reach across the table and take her hand.
“I was so worried I’d be too late. I was worried you’d choose her, but now we can be together. We don’t have to hide or sneak around. I’m getting a divorce, and Kat knows you’re not interested, and we can be together for real. Right?”
She doesn’t answer right away, but she gently pulls her hand out of my gasp.
“Aurora, we need to talk.”
No. I slump back in my chair as dread washes over me.
“You don’t want me.”
“It’s not that. Trust me, it’s not. But...”
She closes her eyes and drops her chin to her chest. I can feel her sorrow, and it’s making this so much harder. I almost wish she’d be a bitch about it.
“But I think we need to take a little break from one another. Slow this down a bit.”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand. Why? Why do we need to slow down? I’m getting a divorce. That isn’t a problem anymore. I’m getting a divorce, Mabel.”
“I know, and I’m so happy for you. He was an asshole who treated you like shit, and I’m glad you’re divorcing him.”
“Then what’s the problem,” I ask, my voice raising slightly. “I just blew up my whole life so we could go full speed ahead and now you want to pump the breaks? Why? What did I do wrong?”
“Aurora.”
My name floats on a pained exhale as she finally opens her eyes and looks at me again.
“I told you not to make that decision based on anyone else. You have to divorce Brady for you, not for me.”
“It wasn’t for you! It was for me so I could be with you. I love you. I love you, Mabel. I want to be with you.”
“What if you don’t, though, Roar? What if you don’t love me? What if I’m just the first person to show you kindness in years, and you want to cling to that?”
My head jerks back like I’ve been slapped. “That’s not what this is.”
“You...”
She clamps her eyes shut, her voice quivering slightly like she’s trying not to cry.
“You deserve freedom and independence. You deserve to live your own lives and to be your own light. You need to breathe so you can bloom, and you don’t need another cage. I won’t be another cage.”
“You wouldn’t cage me. You wouldn’t.”
“Not intentionally, but my life is in LA. It’s established and structured. Are you just going to jump from Brady’s routines right into mine? Without any of your own experiences? Without anything—”
“I don’t want my own experiences! I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care.”
“But I do, Aurora. I do. I need you to have them. I need you to, because I can’t be another place holder. I can’t be another body to explore until you realize that what you want isn’t actually me. I couldn’t handle it again. Not with you. Not when I...”
She runs her hands through her hair and tugs, shaking her head as tears finally break through her lashes in a steady stream. I track them with my eyes as they roll down her cheek and over her lips, catching in the seam between them before she licks them away.
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.
“I can’t do it,” she repeats, and this time, her voice shatters me. “My heart wouldn’t survive it. Not unless I’m certain you’re sure, and right now, I’m not.”
I feel like I’m falling. Like I’m plummeting to the ground.
She’s getting rid of me. She doesn’t want me. I told her I love her, and she is pushing me away. Everything I saw, everything I hoped for, it’s all going up in flames, and I can feel myself burning with it.
“I wouldn’t do that. I’m not Kat.”
“I know. You’re you. You’re energy and creativity and passion and light, and I love you, but I can’t keep you.”
It’s a blissful high and a devastating low in the same breath. She loves me, but she can’t keep me. She loves me, but she doesn’t want me.
“Don’t say that. You don’t mean it. You don’t. You love me. You can keep me. I’m right here.”
I reach for her, but she leans away again, then she pushes up from her chair and crosses the terrace. Every step backward is a mile between us. A fracture, a crack, and the walls start to cave in around me.
“Come back,” I beg. “Please. Please don’t do this. I love you. You love me. Keep me. Please.”
Her face falls, and she rests her hand on the doorknob to her room. It’s over. I can tell it’s over. There’s nothing I can do or say to save us.
“Go try on some lives. Travel. Get lost in your gardens. Write poetry. Make mistakes. Kiss people. Be light. Do all the things you’ve wanted to do and couldn’t. Try on some lives, Aurora Jade, and when you find one that fits, if there is room for me in it, I’ll be waiting.”
My heart breaks and falls to my feet, and I can hardly see through the tears flooding my eyes. I stand so quickly that my chair clatters to the floor, and I fist my hands at my sides.
“I love you,” I say again, begging, pleading. “Please, please don’t do this.”
Her eyes flutter shut, her next inhale and exhale ragged, and she opens her mouth as if to speak. I hold my breath, waiting, hoping to God she’ll take it all back.
But she doesn’t.
Instead, she clamps her mouth shut again, caging her words behind clenched teeth, and I watch in slow motion as she opens her terrace door and disappears into her dark room without a sound.
I collapse to the ground and sob until the sky starts to pinken with the rising sun. Then I stand, stretch my aching muscles, and stare for several minutes at Mabel’s room. Without thinking too hard about it, I unclasp my necklace and hang it over the knob of her French door.
“Don’t forget me,” I whisper, and then I retreat to my room.
Within thirty minutes, I’ve packed my things, apologized to Sav, and buckled myself and my orchid into the SUV so Uncle Wade can take me to the airport.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
I don’t lift my head from the passenger window as I nod. “Yes.”
He pauses for a moment, and I can feel him looking at me, but I don’t look back. Finally, he breaks the silence, and I’m grateful his tone is all business.
“I’ll have a car at the airfield to pick you up when you land, and the penthouse will be prepared for you when you arrive.”
“Thanks.”
“And Jones will be coming with you.” I sit up to argue, but he holds out a hand. “Don’t even try.”
Reluctantly, I drop my head back to the cool window and bite my tongue.
“Since you’ll be back in the states, I’ll set up a time for you to meet with your divorce lawyers in person. Proximity should make it easier to speed things along.”
I nod again. “Kay.”
“And Aurora?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m still proud of you.”
I roll my eyes. “That makes one of us.”