Chapter 4 Faolan
FOUR
FAOLAN
Everything in me told me to leave. Spread my wings and never look back, as we set sail for the port of Durran in the Light Kingdom. But my feet stayed rooted in place.
I couldn’t quite explain the feeling, but nothing about this voyage felt like a good idea.
I knew Nyx hadn’t exactly planned to charter the ship I worked on, but all of this felt a bit contrived and, more than that, a bad idea.
It felt like I had achieved nothing by leaving the capital, and I had a sinking feeling that I’d spend my life trying to extricate myself from one authority or another and never achieve freedom.
I should be listening to that warning from within. Once my gut told me to leave, I skipped. It had saved my neck far too many times for me to ignore. So why was I ignoring it now? I couldn’t say.
The ship was unrecognizable. State rooms had been hastily constructed for the prince and his princesses.
Nyx, Zaria, and Kol had more modest accommodations, but they still far surpassed the normal level of comfort aboard the ship.
I had shunned the offer of quarters alongside them and instead took my usual lower deck cabin, with a hammock and the bare necessities.
I would not get sucked into being part of their party. If I accepted their perks, I would soon be working for them and not Captain Veles, and I could not have that. I wanted to keep the lines clear. I was crew, and when needed, auxiliary guard, nothing more.
With only myself and the skeleton crew aboard to run the deck, plus a cook to feed us all, there was much to do.
I made my rounds, ensuring all was well and pitched in where needed.
The journey would fly by with so much to do, and with no cargo drops to be made, we would make good time.
I was only disappointed we were not sailing for further shores.
I longed to be as far from the threat of discovery as possible.
Our guests were no trouble. We hardly saw the prince out of his quarters, bar his daily evening stroll around the deck, and even less of Kol.
I made sure to deliver food and other necessary items to their quarters myself to keep the crew far away.
Word had spread in the lower quarters about who we were carrying, but that didn’t mean they should all be allowed to gawk.
Muffled voices broke my train of thought as I went about my work, and I stepped closer to the mouth of the corridor to listen, knowing I probably shouldn’t.
They weren’t raised voices, but the tone sounded combative, and with my heightened hearing, I picked them up easily.
They were coming out of Nyx’s quarters. This was precisely why I kept the crew away, and yet still I listened.
“Why the fuck am I here?” Kol’s voice reached my ears, exasperation lacing his tone.
“We went through this before we left,” Nyx sighed. “I thought the sea air would be good for you. You can’t hold up in the castle for the rest of your days.”
“Does it fucking matter what I do?” Kol snapped.
“It matters to me.” I could hear the emotion in Nyx’s voice. I felt for him. He had lost his brother once, and it was easy to tell he was terrified that he hadn’t truly gotten him back. But even from the outside, I could see he was stifling Kol with his need to keep him close.
Love was suffocating. Not that I had ever suffered from the malady, nor ever would.
“You can’t magically turn me back into the fae you want me to be.” Kol’s tone didn’t leave room for argument. He probably wanted to be here less than I did.
“You’re still him.”
“No, you want me to still be him.” Kol’s lips pulled back, and in that moment, he looked more dragon than fae.
Nyx remained shockingly calm. “You’re still my brother.”
“And I’m different now. Still your brother, but not the same fae you knew. Can you just accept that?” Kol snapped.
“So what does that mean?”
Kol’s expression turned from anger to sorrow, and there was a long pause before he spoke. “I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
Before I realized the conversation was over, the cabin door was wrenched open, and Kol strode from the room into the hallway.
His eyes met mine a few feet away and held them.
I knew I was caught eavesdropping and I couldn’t cover it up, but I wasn’t sure what the dragon would do about it.
He held my stare for a long moment, then turned and walked the other way.
The sun was just considering it’s appearance and most of the crew would be asleep for another hour at least. I was walking the deck, ensuring the rigging was tight and the course was correct.
I enjoyed these moments in the early dawn.
It would be the perfect time to fly, but that luxury was not available to me.
I loved that there was even less crew than usual, though, and I had the deck to myself.
Well, almost.
“What are you doing up?” I asked the figure sulking around in the shadows.
Kol revealed himself, stepping into the lamplight. He looked much better than he had when he boarded the ship a week ago, but he was still ghostly pale and half-dead looking. “Restless,” he grunted, like speech was hard for him, and maybe it was.
“Don’t like ships?” I asked, treating him like I would any other passenger.
“Ships are fine.” His nostrils flared. He knew what I was, but did he know I was the dragon who hauled him out of that hell? “Living is hard wherever I am.”
I studied him. He looked a wreck. Like I imagined one of those undead creatures they talk all about looks.
I’ve been lucky enough not to have actually seen one myself, but I could be convinced I was in the presence of one, the way he was alive and yet somehow, not.
I wasn’t as sure as the rest of them that Kol hadn’t been turned, but it wasn’t my call, so I'd left it alone.
“Then what has you restless?” I asked. “If I looked as bad as you do, I’d stay in bed for a month.”
Kol shrugged. “I’ve been laid up at least that long, with my brother babying me to boot. I’m sick of it.”
“Is pacing around the deck better?”
He lifted his shoulders. “Who the fuck knows? Half the time I want to peel my skin off, at least when I’m not in bed, I can distract myself from it for a minute or two.”
“I’d offer to help you, but I’m fresh out of peelers. I might have an ice pick. I could offer you a lobotomy.”
Kol laughed, and it was the first time I’d seen him make anything but that tormented, distant expression. “I’d accept, but I think my brother would kill you, and I can’t have that on my conscience. Not on top of everything else.”
“Bit heavy, is it?”
“Have you seen him?” Kol scoffed.
“Nyx?”
“Yeah,” Kol confirms. “He’s not himself.”
“So he’s not normally a stick in the mud?” My words earned another laugh.
“Well, no. Serious, yes, all of that—” He gestures in the general direction of their cabin. “But no. He used to be something beyond his grief.”
“It’s consumed him.” I didn’t know him any other way, but I could see the hold it had on him.
“It’s real fun. Especially since I’m still alive or whatever this version of hell is.” He rolled his eyes, and I felt bad for him. I didn’t like to deal with Nyx on a normal day, and he only half paid attention to me. Kol was probably near suffocation.
“Have you told him to knock it off?” I side-eyed him.
“Can I?” he asked.
“Why not?”
“I did put him through quite a lot.” Guilt weighed heavily in his voice.
“You didn’t. Unless you kidnapped yourself, and if you did, bravo. I couldn’t have done all that to myself.” I shuddered, even if I wished I had disappeared myself before this voyage.
He looked at me sideways, as if working out how I knew so much about his condition. His nostrils flared again, scenting me. I wouldn’t know if he’d been aware enough to register my scent when we got him out, and it’s not like we had been properly introduced since.
“While kinky…” He paused and cracked a smile. “I’m not that much of a masochist.”
“So you’re saying you are a bit of a masochist?” I lifted a brow.
His smile widened as he looked me over. “I was… I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m not sure if I even exist some days, or who I used to be. I can’t connect to any of it.”
“Well, if you need to test it out…” A good fuck would make anyone feel better, and I’d take the distraction.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” He stepped forward, pressing his hands into the rail as he leaned over to look at the dark water. “I guess I have you to thank for getting me out.” He looked over his shoulder, and I couldn’t tell if he meant it.
Was living so hard for him now that he didn’t even know if thanks were the correct sentiment? I hated the idea.
I took a moment to enjoy the view of his backside before joining him at the rail. “You don’t have to thank me. I was just there, and Luka recognized you.”
“Hazel’s mate, right?”
“The one and only,” I confirmed.
Kol nodded, looking back out to sea. “I’m happy for her.
She deserved to find her ryder, and getting a mate in the bargain…
Seems like a trend has started, what with Kiera and her mate finding one another, too.
Just some of the many things I missed while I was gone.
” He said wistfully, dropping his eyes to the dark waters beneath us.
“You know, jumping is a pretty awful way to go,” I cautioned, “The water is cold, and there’s nothing this far south to eat you, so you’d just drown, and that sucks.”
He gave me a flat look. “Hadn’t even crossed my mind, but now that you mention it…” Before I could stop him, he got a leg hooked over the side and leapt.
“Kol!” I reached for him, but he was already out of my grasp.
“Fucking shit.” I hissed, swinging my foot over the rail to go after him, because I was not about to take the wrath of Nyx, who would surely murder me for losing the twin he had only just got back.
I was about to leap when I spotted wings.
“Motherfucker,” I said under my breath, knowing he’d still hear me.
Watching the darkness, expecting the bulk of a dragon to soar into view, I was surprised to see Kol had only shifted his wings.
I couldn’t help but feel he was wasting an opportunity.
I would not be able to resist fully shifting if I were able to, but I had appearances to keep up.
He flew several loops around the ship before coming back to drop down onto the deck, wings vanishing as he landed before me. His shirt had ripped where he’d hastily let his wings free, and now hung from his pants in shreds.
I may have enjoyed his figure a little harder than was polite, but it wasn’t entirely untoward. He was the spitting image of Nyx, but thin, too thin. He’d lost a lot of weight through his sickness, making every lean muscle stand out.
“I needed that.” He stretched and rolled his shoulders.
I didn’t bother to hide my inspection, taking my time to drop my gaze. By the time I found words, my voice was low and barely more than a growl. “Did you?”
He snapped his teeth. “You don’t ever just feel the need to stretch your wings?”
So he definitely knew what I was then. Which wasn’t surprising. We could smell it on each other.
“I do, but I’m less free to do so.”
He studied me. “I’ve noticed. But why?”
“Because my life took a different path than yours.”
“One where you avoided—” he paused, selecting his words. “Service?”
“Yes,” I said between my teeth, not sure if I’d get the third degree from him. I wasn’t even sure if he knew about where Jaxus and I came from. If he didn’t, it would be impossible for me to explain all of it to him, and honestly, who would believe me?
“How?” He wasn’t angry, more confused, which was better. I wouldn’t have to justify myself.
“I’m not from the Twelve Kingdoms. We aren’t like you.” It was the easiest way to explain things. It would raise a lot of questions, but it was the truth.
“But you’re here now?”
“Yes.”
“And hiding so you don’t have to serve.”
“More or less.”
He rolled that around for a few moments before speaking. “And if you’re found out, will you go back to where you came from to escape?”
I couldn’t quite figure out where the line of questions was going, so I answered honestly. “I can’t. I didn’t like their rules either, so I didn’t quite leave on the best of terms.”
“So what are you going to do when they find out?”
“When?” I shook my head. I wouldn’t accept the inevitability of it.
“Well, my brother must know.”
I nodded once in confirmation.
“Anyone else?” he hedged.
“Your brother’s ‘circle’ knows,” I admitted.
“Ah, yes, quite the family he has around him now.” Bitterness laced Kol’s words, and I understood.
That feeling of being on the outside looking in while everyone else around you seemed able to connect and love.
I’d known it all my life. It was the very thing I was escaping from.
I was a captive in the literal sense, but I was locked out emotionally, too.
In this, Kol and I were kindred spirits.
But I knew Kol could be helped if he just let them in.
“I believe they are your family too,” I tried. “I heard they scoured the kingdoms looking for you.”
Kol shrugged. “Nah, half of them are strangers. They were just looking out for Nyx. Everyone has moved on, got mated, and I don’t fit anymore.”
“What about you? No mate?” My stomach flipped even as the words were leaving my lips. “Shit, I’m sorry. I heard you lost your mate when you were captured. I wasn’t thinking, Goddess.
Kol waved me off. “He wasn’t my mate. He was my ryder and a good friend…and a decent fuck when we were both in the mood. But nothing more.”
“Still, you must miss him.”
“I do but—” Kol closed one eye and scrunched his face. “Goddess damn me. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking he was lucky.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “Lucky?”
“At least his death was final.” Kol looked out to sea, his mind far away as he continued. “Mine is the death that just keeps on giving, and I can’t escape it.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out. He really was a fae after my own heart.
“Well, if it helps, I’m on the outside of it all, too.”
“And if you’re caught on the outside?” Kol persisted.
“If they find out, I’ll leave again. I won’t be shackled to something I don’t believe in.”
“I wish I had that choice.”
“Do you?” I asked him seriously. Nyx seemed so invested in the fucking idea of it all, it was rather interesting he wasn’t.
“I’m not who I used to be, and no matter how much everyone wishes I’d be that person, I think he died in that dungeon.”