Chapter 19 Faolan
NINETEEN
FAOLAN
“What are they keeping down here? Dead fish?” Kol’s mood had been becoming increasingly more foul since we left the Light Kingdom.
Maybe it was just the tight confines of the hold putting him back in a dark place, or maybe it was the fact that Nyx was slipping back into protective overseer habits and treating him like he was broken.
It was difficult to tell. But it was getting to a point where I feared one of them might blow.
“It’s probably worse.” I don’t know if I’d blocked out the smells, having spent so many months at sea, or gotten used to them. “I think I burned the inside of my nostrils. I may never be able to smell anything again.”
“I wish I was there.” Kol adjusted the bandana he had tied over his face.
“Pack some of the herbs in it and be done with it,” Nyx grunted from the far corner.
“And have cloves in my sinuses for the rest of my life after one wrong sneeze?” Kol hissed, shoving to his feet.
“Where are you going?” Nyx asked.
“Anywhere else.”
“You can’t leave.” Nyx stood too, and we were about to have a bigger problem.
I glanced between them and slowly got to my feet. “You two need to figure your shit out. I’m not letting whatever your problem is cause a bigger one.”
“You think I’d do that?” Nyx said through his teeth.
“I think you’re both hot heads, and right now, yeah, I think that will fuck all of us.
I know you’re used to being the voice of reason in the room, but you’re clouded, and none of us are doing well in this hold.
” I exhaled, knowing I was part of the problem.
I needed to get out of this space as much as Kol did.
Nyx knew I was right and sat right back down.
We were all on edge, so the further away from the Light Kingdom we got, the better.
But at the same time, the more distance we put between us and them, the more alone we became.
We were isolated and vulnerable, and the only thing keeping us safe was that no one knew we were out of the palace.
We were sitting targets, and we all knew it.
Tension built by the hour, and it was only made worse by our lovely interpersonal conflicts.
The sisters slept for now, but even in sleep, she tormented me. Every heartbeat sounded like a drum in my head. She probably couldn’t hear me the way I could her, but could she sense it? Was the connection strong enough already, even with me avoiding it? Did she suspect it? I just needed distance.
“We’re going for a walk.” I grabbed Kol by the arm.
“You can’t do—”
I cut Nyx off. “It’s either we go for a walk or we blow our cover by all exploding.”
Kol didn’t object as I dragged him from the hold, leading him to an empty part of the deck.
The crew was all asleep below, except the captain’s young son, his first mate.
Who was asleep at the helm. A rope was hooked over the wheel to keep our course.
A typical young sailor’s arrogance to think that he didn’t need to keep watch all night and that a lazily tied rope would hold course accurately.
We’d be miles off if he slept all night, but I wouldn’t let him.
I’d slap some sense into him when we came back, but for now, his laziness worked to our advantage.
“What are we doing?” Kol demanded
I pulled off my shirt, giving him a smirk. “I need to stretch my wings.”
“We can’t,” Kol hissed, looking around the deck.
“It’s fine. Only the first mate is above, and he’s sleeping.”
Kol threw the deck one last look and then quickly pulled off his own shirt, revealing his battered and scarred body.
He wasn’t still emaciated like he’d been when they found him, but he was at least a couple stone under what Nyx was, and it showed.
The tattoos they’d given him while he was held were faded but still prominent.
He never got away from it. Every time he undressed or looked in the mirror, the memory of it was there.
I stashed our shirts out of the way, not allowing my gaze to linger on him. “Let’s go.”
We dove off the ship together. Anyone who saw us would think that we’d lost our minds, but not that we’d be able to return. I waited nearly too long before closing my eyes and letting just my wings unfurl, and the water brushed my fingertips, splashing my bare skin.
I shivered, beating my wings to lift off the water level. Since I didn’t hear a splash, I assumed Kol handled the partial shift just fine, too.
I rose over the water. Neither of the moons was up yet, leaving us cast in all darkness. The sea air cleared the stench out of my sinuses and cooled my skin while my muscles finally worked out two straight days of sitting in the cramped hold.
We flew around one of the small islands dotting the coast of the Middle Sea, and Kol landed on some of the massive rocks barely rising out of the waves. I hesitated because there wasn’t much room next to him, but when he waved me forward, I circled around and landed.
Instantly, the spray dusted our skin, cooling it in the wind. Goose flesh rose, and I resisted a shiver, but I didn’t say anything. He needed this, and I could endure a shiver or two to see that he got it.
I waited for Kol to say something, but he was quiet—lost in his thoughts, I assumed. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back to the stars, and I started to think maybe I shouldn’t be here to witness this moment.
“Are you okay?” I asked involuntarily, blundering straight into his moment. What a stupid question. Clearly, he was far from okay.
“Most days?” Kol whispered. “No. I’m not even a fraction of what I used to be. I barely feel like I’m alive. I’m going through the motions.”
What did I even fucking say to that? I wasn’t sure. “And he still wants you to be who you were?” I asked, referring to Kol’s ever-present protector.
Kol nodded, then his shoulders dropped. “It’s not his fault.
We had a bond—we shared a mind, kind of.
I don’t really know what to call it. But it’s like a soulmate bond.
It’s rare for twins, but we always have seemed to defy all convention.
” He paused. “I shouldn’t be telling you or anyone else this.
Only a few people know. My father insisted on it.
We could hear each other, speak to each other, feel each other, and it wasn’t affected by distance or anything.
He had to hear and feel me die. And I don’t know what that did to him.
They used Dragon's Bane to cut me off from my magic, and that severed our bond as if I was gone. A severed bond is worse than death, they say. And they’re right.
But he had her. He and Zaria are mates, so he still had that kind of bond with her.
When I was cut off, I was completely alone, for the first time in my life.
Alone and in the dark, waiting for whatever they would do to me next.
It’s just me in here now, and even though they didn’t really kill me, they killed a part of me.
” Things clicked into place as he spoke.
“I can’t imagine what that was like. What it’s still like.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “And he wants it all to go back to how it was.”
Kol closed his eyes. “Of course he does. He’s not the one who changed.” He grunted. “I’m not saying what he went through wasn’t awful. I’m sure thinking I died ruined him, but he had her, and he wasn’t—” He hadn’t told anyone everything he went through, and maybe no one really needed to know.
“He misses you, and it’s not an excuse, but Nyx does want more than just the old you.” I didn’t love the guy, but I knew that. I could see it in him. “He fought for you. Never gave up looking for you, even when everyone called him crazy.”
“I love him, but I don’t know how to be what he wants.”
“Maybe you need to tell him you can’t be.”
“How? He just believes it can all go back. He has so much faith in the healers to restore me and return me back to him good as new.” Kol exhaled harshly.
“I don’t know if our bond can be healed somehow, but he is never going to stop babying me while he can’t connect with me in that way. What if it’s dead for good?
“Does he know you worry about that?”
Kol shrugged. “I can’t talk to him.”
“I get it.” I’d had some of the same with my own family.
“What’s your deal anyway? Why are you so fucking miserable?” Kol changed the subject and apparently wasn’t about to mince words.
“She’s my mate, Kol.” I sighed. Knowing that now I’d said it out loud, it was never going away. I had to make him know why this would never work. It was more than me just being her flyer.
Kol blinked. “What?”
“Calytrix.”
He laughed, and I didn’t even blame him. “You’re kidding.”
“I wish I was.”
“I haven’t sensed that,” Kol frowned, obviously doubting himself for not noticing.
“I have gone out of my way to not touch her. I figure as long as there is distance, it can’t develop. Maybe that’s why you haven’t scented it between us yet?”
“Yeah, maybe.” He looked at me skeptically. “How long do you think you’ll be able to keep that up? Eventually, the bonds—because yes, you have two of those now, you poor sod—are going to develop, no matter how hard you try and slow down that disastrous inevitability.”
“I’ll be long gone by then,” I said with as much false confidence as I could muster.
“Goddess, we really are a mess, aren't we?” Kol drew in a deep lungful of the cool, salty air. “Do you ever wonder if She is just toying with us?” he asked.
“Who?”
“Kalilah. You know, the Goddess, the Mother, the all-knowing, all-powerful… Zaria says she has a plan. That this sudden rise in dragons being called to their ryders is a message to us that change is coming or some shit. But I wonder if maybe she’s just grown bored, and she’s fucking with us. Do you think?”
“All the time.”
Silence stretched out between us, and we both watched the pitch-black horizon. I knew his eyes could see as well as mine that our ship was a dot in the distance, but I was in no hurry to catch it up. “You realize Nova was giving you dreamy eyes when you told her to keep that stone, don’t you?”
“Dreamy eyes?” Kol laughed.
“Yeah, all blinky.” I shot him a smirk. “Don’t you think we have enough problems without you getting tangled up with the other sister?”
Kol shook his head, still chuckling. “Don’t you worry about that, I am in no fit state to get tangled with anyone until I can get untangled from myself, and that isn’t happening any time soon. Trust me.”
“Lucky bastard.”
“I’m a lucky bastard because I’m too fucked up to get involved with anyone—romantically or otherwise?”
“Well, I’m mated to the future Queen of the Twelve Kingdoms, and I’m not the future King. Want to trade?”
Kol slapped my back lightly. “Nope, I’m good, thanks.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thought so.”
“Should we get back?” he asked, looking into the distance.
I squinted. “Ugh! If we must. Someone needs to wake the first mate and put that boat back on course.”