Chapter 16
Still Safe
Jade
This. Was. Insane!
I momentarily wondered if I’d lost my damn mind—agreeing to something like this.
Taking slow steps back into the bedroom, I held onto Alex’s hand, and he followed me without question.
The last time we were in the bedroom like this was that first night—when he pulled my hair and called me a whore. When I bit him and spat in his face.
He stood in front of me the same way, but both of us were different people. And this was okay. I was okay. I was free, no longer under anyone's control, no longer living in fear, and he was the perfect man to do this with.
I could live how I wanted.
"This doesn't have to be weird or awkward,” Alex assured me with his deep voice, his eyes mere inches away from mine. “Just do what you've done before, and I will simply be there for you.”
I sighed, thinking it would help me calm down, but instead, it did the opposite. Something came over me and I reached up, running my fingers on his cheek. Alex tried to hide it, but I saw it—I saw the way his eyes fluttered closed for a brief moment.
"Will you...help? If I ask for it?" Shivers, tremors, shakes were rattling my insides at my own question.
“Of course, Malyshka. I’ll do anything you ask,” he murmured, all his attention on me.
It was time to jump off the cliff. I pointed to the bed behind me, trying to steady my trembling finger. “Can I lean on you?”
It would be easier if I didn’t face him. If I could just close my eyes and pretend that nothing in my past had happened. Pretend that whatever we were doing was always the way it was—under my control.
Alex nodded slowly. “You can do anything you want.”
I nodded too, and he stepped around me and climbed onto the bed, taking a seat right in the middle and against the headboard.
Jesus. There was a six-foot-five tattooed man in my bed. One who made me coffee in the mornings and took me on motorcycle rides.
I looked him over, doing my absolute best not to climb on top of him and smash my lips with his.
Because that would be too much. Too impulsive and too fast, and I knew I wasn’t ready.
But I’d thought things. Many things. How his arms would wrap around me while he held me in his lap. How gentle and soft his lips would feel on my neck. What he would say.
“May I turn the lights off?” he asked, ripping me out of my dirty fantasy.
Yes, that was a great idea—it would all be easier without it. It would be safer in the dark.
I nodded and Alex reached for the lamp, plunging the room into darkness with a soft click. But I could still see him—the man in my bed. The man who was about to whisper dirty things into my ear while I…
Touched.
Myself.
Dear Lord, I was delusional. I had fucking issues. I…I didn’t want to be the only one who shed a piece of clothing.
Quickly, I reached underneath my dress and hooked my fingers in the band of my panties, shutting my eyes. If I didn’t look at him when I did it, I was safe.
And then slowly, I pulled them down my legs, discarding the scrunched-up material on the floor. Alex watched. Watched the way I stood at the foot of the bed, still uncertain.
“Um…”
Really, this was too much to ask. Really, this was pushing it, but then—
Of course, Malyshka. I’ll do anything you ask.
“Can you take your shirt off?” I asked. “I don’t want to be the only one…” I trailed off, but Alex didn’t even hesitate.
The T-shirt flew over his head in one swift motion, and there he was, now half-naked on my bed.
My gaze roamed his naked chest, like I’d never seen a man in my existence.
It was dim and I couldn’t see any details, but one thing was clear—Alex had damn muscle.
It didn’t really look like that while he was wearing T-shirts and hoodies, but his shoulders were defined.
His abs too. His skin was smooth, the tattoos bleeding onto his shoulders and down his arms, making me wonder—
“Like this?” he asked, and I shot my gaze to his eyes, interrupting the runaway thoughts once more.
I nodded, and Alex spread his legs, making space for me.
To lean on him.
I forced my legs to move. Like a baby deer, I stumbled to the side of the bed and climbed on, having no idea where to look because he was so close.
He held out his hand, ready to help me get comfortable. “I'm here for you, Jade." Dear fuck, he was going to make me cry with how eager he was to please.
I squeezed my eyes shut and twisted on the bed, settling between his legs and sinking back into him with a sigh.
He was so strong. He was so soft. He was so fucking gentle and understanding. We sat in the darkness, touching, but also not. Admitting it all, but also not. Doing things, but also…not.
And that was the important part—that we weren’t really doing anything—Alex certainly wasn’t. And with that thought, I took a deep breath in and out, chasing away all the rotten anxiety.
Your own hand is the master. You have all the power. You decide what you want.
“Are you comfortable, Jade?” he asked, keeping his voice low.
“Yes.”
This man obliterated all my previous assumptions about right and wrong. He dismantled paradigms and reorganized my moral code. He ripped me away from my dark reality and forcefully showed me how simple and calm life could be.
And I drowned in his scent. Cigarettes, cologne, and something else. Something just him. Dark and quiet. Warm and safe.
“I want you to…” Alex began, kickstarting my heartbeat.
This was it.
I was doing this.
With him.
“I want you to think about…which part feels the most need right now.” I swallowed hard, scanning my body for any tension. All of it—I was all tense, and he noticed. “We’ll do this only if you want to, Jade. There’s no pressure. No expectations.”
No pressure.
I didn’t want pressure; he was right. I wanted light, easy, fun. I was light, easy, and fun deep down, I knew I was. I must have been at some point!
I took a deep breath in and so did he. And then one more. “I want to do this,” I whispered, the fear slowly floating away with my words. “I want to do this with you.”
My fingers reached for my neck and I paused, noticing how that felt. Good. It didn’t feel unpleasant, or violating, or like I wanted to stop. I dragged my hand down my chest and pulled down the neckline of my dress.
I heard it—his almost imperceptible gasp when I exposed myself.
I did the same on the side, cupping both my breasts, applying just slight pressure. Just to remember what it could feel like. I swirled my fingers over my nipples, pinching just a tad, just a bit, just…just….
“Just like that.”
His voice sounded right in my ear, and as if on cue, I spread my legs. The soft material of the dress slid on my thighs, and I wondered…what would his hands feel like on my thighs?
Not bad. Not suffocating. It was exciting to imagine.
Quiet, slow, dark; whatever was happening was a secret, only between us. In the comfort of this secluded and hidden house, on a plush and warm bed, in his embrace. Raindrops lightly grazed the large window, protecting us from the violent world outside.
“Take your time,” he murmured. “Find where it feels good.”
Tiny beads of sweat collected on my forehead from the heat of his body and the illicit nature of our act. I ran my hand down my dress, between my legs, but right before I touched anything, I wanted something.
Something for myself.
I turned back to him and caught the lustful shine in his eyes. Without having to say a word, I knew he understood. He opened his mouth just as my fingers reached for his lips.
His tongue swirled around my fingers, so fucking soft, so damn slow and languid. His saliva dripped down to my knuckles, and that’s what I wanted.
What a good boy.
With this new treasure, I plunged my hand between my legs, my fingers swiping up my pussy, getting it all wet. My wet mixing with his wet.
Just like I wanted. Just slowly.
Delicate.
"That’s it. Spread your legs just like that and tell me. Tell me if you like it."
"Y-yes,” I stuttered, trying to catch my breath. “I like it. Don't stop."
I closed my eyes, delving further into the sensation. My fingers slid inside, just at the entrance, but I imagined it was his finger. His fingers were strong and tattooed, and his entire hand was huge. I wanted it—I wanted to know what it would feel like.
“You’re doing so good, Malyshka,” he praised me, and fuck, yes. Yes, I was doing a good job. "When you’re ready…ease one finger inside. You don’t have to rush. Feel every touch.”
I followed his instructions, slowly noticing how unfocused my mind became, but I could still feel the way his skin burned against me. I was attuned to his deep voice and every one of his words. Heat ignited low in my belly, the sensation relaxing, yet abandoned.
It…it had been a long time. A long time since I felt good.
"Now...pull out and touch…just that spot that makes you feel good. Do it just the way you like it. Just the way you want to be touched."
Fuck, Alex should have been one of those phone sex guys—he could make a girl come just with the sound of his voice.
Something hot and sparkly lit up inside my inner thighs. “That’s it.” His lips brushed my ear, and I flinched from how intimate that was. He noticed. Alex pulled back slightly, his voice gentle like always. “Talk to me, Malyshka. Are you still okay?”
“Yes, yes!” I blurted out, afraid to lose the feeling. “I-I’m fine, I…” I sighed, soothing myself. I was safe. He was safe. You have all the power. You decide what you want. “Give me your hand.”
Tenderly, Alex intertwined his fingers with mine and our left hands clasped together. His touch—I wanted it. With his hand in mine, I dropped my head on his shoulder and restarted the motion, bringing it all back. “Fuck,” I whispered, and he latched onto that.
"That feels good. Enjoy it...just the way you want it, the right pressure. Slip the finger inside yourself again and pull out...and play with your clit again."
Dark, illicit, forbidden. With him, it was all magnificent. I imagined his fingers, his lips, on me just like this.
It didn’t feel wrong anymore.