Chapter 49
Were We Still Us?
Jade
The vanity was freezing beneath my thighs, but the whole bathroom was enveloped in warm steam. Facing away from the mirror, I sat wrapped in a towel and watched Alex rummage underneath the sink. A white towel hung low on his hips, but that’s not what I couldn’t stop looking at.
There were scars—all over his body. He’d lost so much weight that his ribs protruded through his skin.
He was alive, but barely.
I swallowed the fresh set of tears, having just dried my cheeks, and refocused on the box of Band-Aids in his hands. He moved slowly, standing right in front of me, his towel almost brushing my knees.
“Does it hurt?” Alex asked, ripping open an alcohol swab that looked miniature in his large fingers. I looked down at the tiny cut on my knee, laughing through my sadness.
He was so worried about my scratch when all of him had to be pieced back together. I shook my head, letting my wet hair fall down my shoulders and chest.
Tenderly, he placed the alcohol swab on my skin, holding it there for a mere second.
I’d forgotten how gentle he could be. I’d forgotten how careful he always was. The Band-Aid, too—he stuck it to my skin, pressing on it with reverence.
“Alex…” My voice shook, but his attention was on me at once. “Is something wrong with me?” I rasped, afraid of my own question. Alex’s eyes blazed up in worry at once, and I gulped, hurrying the explanation. “I…I don’t feel any guilt. For what I just did.”
Bloodied Xavier floated to the top of my mind again; the word rapist carved in his flesh. Alex had good handwriting.
“Malyshka,” Alex whispered, but I had no strength to open my eyes. No strength to notice another scar on him, so instead, I cried with my eyes closed.
My chest, my heart, my soul…it all ached inside me and it was like he knew. His warm hands cradled my cheeks, and he lifted my face to him, my eyes still closed. Still unsure of what was real.
“He hurt you. He deserved everything.” Alex’s lips ghosted over mine, the feeling…foreign. “You went easy on him.”
Those words were probably true because it didn’t feel like enough, and yet…it was more than any woman could ever hope for.
It was so quiet between us, but I dared to peek my eyes open, remembering something—his piercings.
They were gone.
I looked him over, afraid to know the answer. “What happened to the…um…your piercings?”
Alex tilted his head, forcing a small smile on his face. “They didn’t make it.”
I swallowed my tears and nodded, instead focusing on that red, angry scar on his chest, which I inspected in the shower. With shaking fingers…I touched it. Was he cut open?
Alex stepped closer, and I pulled back. “What’s this from?” I whispered, ignoring the tear rolling down my cheek.
“It will heal before our wedding, Malyshka.” My gaze shot up to his—to his beautiful, dark eyes. His eyes that saw me.
And then his finger grazed my thigh. Accidentally. Purely by chance. Unintentionally.
But so right.
Was this allowed?
I looked down, all the blood rushing to the spot where he settled his hand. On my thigh. Right where the towel ended.
I was naked under the towel. I was stripped of everything I had, everything I was.
But I was once all his.
And just like before, his arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me into him. Hesitant. Unsure. Tender.
Like we didn't know each other. Like the three months of separation had turned us into strangers. Like we didn’t spend every night in this house. First swapping whipped cream, then swapping stories, then…swapping our souls.
Were we still us?
“Are you…afraid you’ll hurt me?” Alex voiced my thoughts, and I nodded quickly, looking anywhere but at his eyes.
“Y-yes. Are you…are you in pain?”
He inched me closer to him, the heat of his body seeping into me. I was hoping he’d reassure me that he wasn’t in pain. That his scars were just decoration, that he was the same old Alex—a little unhinged, strong as fuck, and indestructible.
Instead, Alex’s lips touched my cheeks, breathing in deep, and telling me the truth. “Every time you touch me—” his fingers tightened on my thigh and my heart clenched, “—every time you look at me…the pain disappears.”
He paused. Just for a second, just to catch my gaze.
Just to check in and—
He kissed.
At first, slowly and unsure, his lips puckered right on the edge of my lips, the softness reminding me what it was like with him. The air stalled in my lungs, but Alex wasted no time, pressing his lips to mine and zapping my mind alive.
“Mmm,” he groaned, and I recognized that voice. His pleasure.
I remembered every time he’d bury his face in my neck and moan against me, drowning me in his energy.
And it all bloomed inside me. This was him, and this was us. Emaciated, broken, ripped apart, and in pain, but alive.
“A-Alex, I—”
But I had nothing to truly say. I threw my arms around his neck and spread my legs to drag him closer. He responded without hesitation, drowning me in his body.
Three seconds later, I was already in his arms, my lips attached to his, his legs walking us to the bed.
Yet it was nothing like before. It wasn’t urgent or impatient, no. It was…delicate.
Alex held me in the tightest grip when he slumped back onto the bed, and I fell onto him—
But I heard it. I heard that muffled sound of pain that he tried to hide so well.
So I sat up and took in the sight of him beneath me—still broad, still big, and mine again.
“I-I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”
“No, no,” Alex shook his head quickly, but kept his eyes closed. “Please…come back.”
Straddling him, I lay down on his chest, but barely. I touched his skin, but gently. I kissed his neck, but…lightly.
“I know how to be gentle,” I whispered into the crook of his neck, noticing another scar. My lips trailed over his jaw just as his hands slid the towel off my body. “We don’t have to rush.”
Alex chuckled darkly, tangling his fingers in my hair.
“I’m fine, baby, really, I—”
But the words died on his tongue when he caught the look in my eyes and remembered that he had said those exact words to me once. His eyes sparkled in the darkness, and he whispered, “I…” he trailed off, searching my gaze. “I just…I was broken, but…”
“But I can keep all the pieces in my hands, Alex.” I completed his broken thought and sighed into his ear, giving him the freedom to grieve without a spectator. “I will hold you,” I promised, all of me covered by goosebumps. “I can—”
But his lips met mine once more, and that was all I could say. His body radiated heat again, slowly twisting me underneath him, like this was a dream.
It was dark and quiet, just like that night when he touched me on this bed. The slight pressure of his fingers on my inner thighs blazed up my insides, but he didn’t stop, knowing exactly what I liked. His tongue made its slow and decadent journey down my neck, over my protruding ribs, down, down—
I miss your bouncy ass cheeks, baby. You’re all skin and bones now. A vile voice intruded into the moment, and I squeezed my eyes shut, shooing it away.
Alex loved my bouncy ass cheeks too, so how would he feel now? When I was half the woman I used to be?
“God, you taste so mmfucking good,” Alex mumbled against my skin, his eyes closed and his hands holding my waist. “I fucking missed you so m-much, mmm—” I giggled when his tongue swirled around my belly button, but he moved lower. “Just like this. Just you. You’re so fucking beautiful.”
I listened to every single sound he made. I tuned into his touch—the way his fingers gripped my thighs and he spread my legs. I fell into the moment when he licked—God, I—
“Mine, you taste like mine.” My back arched on the bed, the tender touch shocking me like live electricity. “Mine.”
His.
His.
His.
In the darkness, it was easier to exist. To move slowly. Hesitantly. Easier to be unsure of everything except one thing: we were us again.