Chapter Twenty Five
notes
I’m laying with my head on Logan's chest with my eyes closed, my leg draped over his, tracing idle circles on his stomach.
It’s close to 1 in the morning now, but I don’t see sleep coming just yet. I'm high on him, and I want to memorize every detail of his body.
I feel Logan shift under me, then he says, “What made you ask if I ever want to start over?”
Sighing I say, “I’ve felt so...at peace; every time I’ve been in Sage Valley. I just feel this calm wash over me.” I pause, not wanting to say this out loud.
“What if my time here has expired?” I ask, instantly feeling horrible for even thinking that. Logan stays quiet, and I know he’s letting me process.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Charlie. People grow. People change. There's nothing wrong with needing something new.”
I know he’s right, but that doesn't help me feel any better.
“Are you thinking about moving? Or?” he asks me, and I feel my heart tighten.
This apartment has been my home for a year now, and I don't have any deep attachment to it.
Sam never saw it. He never stepped foot in here.
In fact no man has.
Until Logan.
“I don't know what I’m thinking.” I admit. Then add, “I just feel like this isn't my home anymore. And I hate that I’m feeling this way.”
I look up at Logan, and find his eyes full of understanding.
I know he knows what I’m going through, because he doesn't have a place of his own, which I know bothers him, too..
“Don't feel guilty about wanting something new. Home is not a place, or a building. Home is wherever your heart feels the most at peace.”
He smiles, showing those dimples, and my chest aches.
He plants a soft kiss on my lips, and I feel myself melt into him, giving myself over completely.
Our bodies mold into one, tangled in each other's arms and legs and tongues, until we both fall asleep.
I wake to the smell of something heavenly coming from the kitchen, and the sound of rain hitting my windows.
Rolling over, my hand hits the pillow, and I frown at the emptiness of it. But then my hand hits something crinkly.
A note.
I smile, and blink my eyes into focus.
You looked too beautiful to wake up, Charlie girl. Breakfast is ready, and there's coffee when you’re up.
I smile into my pillow, clutching the note to my heart.
I’m not sure how we got to this point, this closeness. It just kind of came naturally once I started to let him in.
I roll over, then see the note from Sam sitting on my nightstand, and guilt hits me like a truck all over again. I wonder if Logan saw it. But at the same time, I know he’s not the type to go through my things.
Grabbing Sam’s note, I read it over again, and can't help the tears that fall.
God I miss him. I miss him so much, every single day. And I know that isn't going to change, but somehow..Logan is helping me heal.
Maybe the guilt wouldn't be so bad if I was only attracted to Logan, and he wasn't as nice as he is.
But that's not the case; there’s a connection here that I can't let go of.
“Charlie?” I hear Logan say from the kitchen, then hear his footsteps coming towards me. I don’t bother trying to hide the fact that I’m crying, or try to hide Sam’s note. I just sit there, staring at the two notes, from the two men I care about the most.
“Are you awa..” he stops short when he sees me. “What's wrong?”
I sniffle, continuing to cry, but shake my head.
“I just miss him, and it’s so hard.” I whisper after a minute.
Logan sits down next to me, and pulls me into him.
“I know. What can I do?”
“Why do I have to like you?” I ask, but look up at him and smile so he knows I’m not being too serious.
I feel him chuckle, then sigh.
“Sometimes people come into your life when you aren't looking. I know I wasnt. But when I saw you in your antique shop..” he pauses, “you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. And I just had to know you.”
I blink tears away, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Why is this so hard for me? Shouldn't I be happy, and be able to move on? Shouldn't I be able to have you, and not feel guilty about it?”
I watch something in Logan's eyes shift, and what I see hurts my heart.
I can feel him slipping through my fingers, simply because I can’t put my past behind me, and let myself be happy.
I feel my heart start to beat faster, and look down at Sam’s note, then at Logan’s. Seeing their handwriting next to each just makes the pain worse.
“Logan..” I start to say, but he holds a hand up, stopping me.
“You don't have to say it.” he whispers, “I’m here Charlie. In whatever way you can give me. I’m here.”
I sniffle, and wipe at my face.
“I think..I think I just need some time to process and think about all of this.” A tear falls from my eye, and Logan wipes it away with his thumb, caressing my cheek as he goes.
I don't want to do this. I don't want him to leave. But I need time to process what’s going through my mind. I need time to think and figure this out without his presence here because I am complete putty in his hands.
Logan smiles softly, but I can see the pain in his eyes.
“I made you a promise that I won't leave you, and I meant that, Charlie girl. If time is something you need, I can give you that. I’ll be here when you're ready.”
He leans in and kisses my forehead, then he leaves; and I’m left feeling even more empty than before.
After I take a breath, I walk into the kitchen and see that he made pancakes and coffee, but I don't even feel like eating now.
There’s a new Logan shaped hole in my heart, and he hasn't even been gone for 20 minutes.
I lay back in my bed, just wanting to let myself be sad. I hold both of their notes in my hands.
I know Logan’s isn't much, and I know he doesn’t know this, but notes are my favorite.
Sam used to leave them lying around everywhere throughout the day.
I wipe at my face, take a deep breath, then crawl out of bed, making my way to my closet where I pull out an old shoe box.
As I lift the top, I see old faded papers.
Some have tears, some have coffee stains. I pull one out.
You looked stunning today, Charlie girl.
A sob escapes me.
I pull another one out.
My soul is tired, but it is wholly yours, Charlie girl.
My hands shake as I go through the notes, and then I get to the bottom of the box.
There's one note left, and I know exactly which one it is.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I open it up.
The writing is harder to read. His hands were shaking badly that day.
Marry me, Charlie girl.
Another sob escapes me, and I curl into a ball on the floor with his notes in my lap.
I miss him. I know I couldn't keep him, and now he’s not in pain.
But dammit, it's unfair.
It’s unfair that he had to get cancer.
It’s unfair that he lost his battle to cancer.
It's unfair that Logan has been nothing but amazing, and I just keep pushing him away.
Finally, my crying slows enough; and I sit up and wipe my face.
I hear a knock at the door, then my phone dings.
Let me in. I have a package. -Cassie.
“It's unlocked.” I yell, not bothering to get up.
“Where are you at?” Cassie yells from the kitchen.
I hear her set a box down, then hear her footsteps.
“What are you doing back here?” she asks, then stops when she sees me.
“Oh no. Charlie?”
She sits down in front of me, crossing her legs.
We both sit quietly, and I know she’s waiting for me to speak first.
“I asked Logan to leave.” I whisper, and her eyebrows pinch in confusion.
“It's only 10am.” she says, then adds, “OH. He stayed the night?”
I nod my head.
“Why did you have him leave?”
I hold out the note he left on my pillow, “He left a note on my pillow.”
Her eyes soften as she grabs the note.
After she reads it, she looks up at me. “He called you Charlie girl?”
“Yes. He has been and every time he does it my heart feels like it’s cracking.”
“Babe.” she frowns at me.
“I don’t know what to do, Cass.”
I watch her contemplate her words, then finally she says, “You like him, right?”
“I do. A lot, and it kind of freaks me out.”
“How has he taken the Sam thing? Like how has he acted about it all?”
I blow out a shaky breath, “Amazingly. He’s been so nice about it. He even brought me to a marigold field.”
Her eyes go wide.
“If I were to move on, he’s the perfect person to move on with. I just don’t know if I’m ready.”
Cassie leans in and puts a hand on my shoulder, “Maybe take these next few days to think, and really figure out how you feel.”
Suddenly I remember that I have actual work to do. I can't just sit here and wallow. “Shit, I have to get the shop set up.”
“Yeah, you do. But Garrett and I are here to help, and Nathaniel. Even though he’s been busy with his man.”
I smile, “Thank you. I need to get on the phone and get some shelving and hardware and things delivered. I can't really move things until I get that done.”
“Well, when you're ready, just let me know.”
“I will.”
“Don’t completely push him away? Ok?”
I nod, then remember the package.
“Oh, what was the package you had?”
Cassie stands, holding a hand out and helping me up.
“The UPS guy was on his way up at the same time I was, so I just grabbed it from him. I’m not sure what it is.”
We walk out to my kitchen and I see a large box sitting on my table.
“What in the world? I haven't ordered anything?”
Cassie shrugs, and I grab a knife from the drawer.
There's no name on it or anything giving any hints as to what it is.
I pull the box open, and packing peanuts start flying out. I pull out bubble wrap, and uncover a thick styrofoam packaging.
“What is this?” I ask, more to myself, but Cassie shrugs.
I slide the styrofoam out, and it's a decent weight. I have zero clue what this could be.
I pull the top off, and my jaw drops.
“Oh my god.” I say, tears springing my eyes.
God dammit, I'm tired of crying so much.
“What is it?” Cassie asks, trying to catch a glimpse.
“A tea set..” I whisper.
“Oh.” Cassie says.
I pull the delicate teapot out, and set it on my table, then the matching cups.
Cassie's hand flies up to her mouth. “Are those..”
“Marigolds..” I whisper, my voice cracking. “It's a tea set with marigolds on it.”
Tears pour down my face, and I can't stop them.
He had to have known this was coming today, and he let me tell him to leave. He left with zero arguments. And I let him.
“Charlie?”
“Logan.” I say, as if that's an answer. “He sent me this and I just let him leave."
Cassie watches me for a minute, “What are you going to do?”
I start pacing. “I dont know.” it comes out as a sob, and I feel my heart breaking. But I need to take the time and process all of this. I need time with my thoughts, to figure out what I should do.
“The hole Sam left is still fresh, and I need time to process these new feelings. Feelings that are for a different man. And I know, I know Sam would want me to be happy, but I just..” I pause, taking in a deep breath, “I need to process it all without Logan's presence.”
Cassie frowns, but nods her head and says, “Ok babe. You know I support whatever decision you make. If this is what you need.”
“Thank you.” I say as I wipe my face, “I’m just going to focus on my shop, and getting it back up and running.”
“Do you need anything from me?” She asks
I sigh, trying to remember everything I have to do.
“Could you get the shelves and cases ordered? I’ll give you my card.”
“Absolutely.” she answers without hesitation.
“Thank you, I have to send out the new address to all my vendors and everyone so they know I’ve moved.”
“You should print a sign and put it at the old shop with the new address, so locals know.”
“That's actually a good idea. I’ll do that today.”
I walk over to my purse, grabbing my card out and handing it to her, along with the measurements and info for the shelves I want.
“Make sure you tell them delivery, I have no way to pick all of these up.”
“You got it.” she says, grabbing the card from my hand.
“What would I do without you?” I ask her, putting on a light smile on my face.
“You’d be lost without me.”
She laughs, and pulls me in for a hug, “Don’t stress too much about things today, ok? Everything that's supposed to happen will fall into place.”
“I know. I’ll try.”
Cassie leaves, and I go to my computer, typing up a quick poster stating that I’ve moved, and add my new address so people know where to find me.
I grab my keys and Pudding, deciding to bring him with me, then head out.
Just as I come around the corner, and see my shop come into view, I see Mr. Reeves standing on the sidewalk in front, staring up at the burnt building.
“Mr. Reeves, what are you doing out here?” I ask him as I get closer.
“What happened to your shop?” he asks with a voice so sad.
“Oh, it caught on fire..I’m moving.” I tell him, and he frowns.
“Moving where? Hopefully not far.” he says, and I feel instantly sad.
“Sage Valley.” I say with a small smile and a shrug.
His frown deepens, “How will I get my clowns?”
“How about I bring them to you. That way you don’t have to travel. I’ll bring you one a week.”
He smiles slightly, then pats my shoulder, “I’m sorry, about your shop. I know how much it meant to you.”
I look down at Pudding, who’s minding his own business sniffing the ground, blinking trying not to get emotional again.
“Thank you. It does mean a lot to me.”
“I loved coming here and chatting with you and Sam in the beginning. He was such an amazing young man. You got lucky with that one.”
I feel tears burn my eyes, and quickly blink them away.
“He was, wasn't he?”
“That Logan fellow reminds me of him in a way.”
I pinch my brows together in confusion, “You know Logan?”
“Oh, I only met him once, while he was grabbing coffee. But I did see the way he looked at you. Hold on to that one.” he winks at me, then bends to pat Pudding on the head.
“I should get going. I was just trying to get a walk in before the rain comes.”
Before he walks off, I stop him.
“Mr. Reeves?”
“Yes dear?”
“Why clowns?” I ask.
He smiles, and looks up at the sky.
“My Margaret loved them. I never really understood why, but she did.” he pauses, smiling, “Whenever we went out in town, I’d buy her a clown. It didn't feel right to stop after I lost her.”
His eyes start to glisten as he talks about her, and it breaks my heart a little bit.
“That’s very sweet of you. I’m sure she appreciates it.”
“I sure hope so. Anyways, I better get going. Those clouds are getting darker by the second. You take care, Charlie.”
He waves a hand goodbye, but I stay silent, and just look at my broken shop.
Why is everything of mine breaking?
After stapling the sign to a wood beam that's somehow still standing, I walk to the coffee shop, and order my usual.
My phone dings as I stand and wait for my order.
Shelves and cases ordered. They’ll be delivered on friday. -Cassie
It’s Tuesday now, so that's not too long of a wait. I text her thank you, and grab my coffee, then head home to my lonely apartment.