Chapter 36 The Moth and the Flame
THE MOTH AND THE FLAME
The ballroom of the Carlton Towers had been decorated to look like a winter wonderland.
The people were dressed in evening gowns and tuxes.
Carter was standing next to me, smiling and greeting the donors and guests as they trickled in.
It was the hospital’s annual fundraiser.
The who’s who of Minnesota was in attendance.
Sports owners and players rubbed elbows with top execs and the wealthy.
Carter and the rest of the board were tasked with giving attendees an auction paddle and a seat card.
The rest of the partners and I were tasked with standing there and looking pretty.
Carter was better at that. Some of the women’s hands lingered a little longer.
They blushed when he smiled at them. Carter, like Tristan, knew how to use his looks.
Knew which smile to give to which person.
Where to place his hands on a woman. I realized at that moment I had traded Tristan in for a luxury model.
And if that was the case, then Carter and I could work.
“Will you be okay for a moment? I need to speak to Jim Ranger.”
“Yes. I’ll be fine.”
Carter leaned in closer, his voice low. “You know, my favorite part of that dress is when it’s on the floor.” He pressed a kiss to my cheek before he turned to leave.
The sound of his voice sent little shivers down my spine.
So did the thought of what would come after all the handshakes and smiles.
We had a very physical relationship, and even after almost two years, I still was sexually drawn to Carter.
I worried what would happen if we lost the sharpness of the physical part. Could he live with the softness?
“God, I hate these things,” the woman next to me gritted out through her smile. “Look at these people. And the women. They don’t even hide the looks. And they say men are bad. That one thinks she knows what Carter looks like naked. Or that he’ll get naked for her.”
The woman next to me was Tish. Her husband was on the board. We had dinner with them, and Carter played golf with Trenton, Tish’s husband. They were the only two on the board that weren’t old white people.
“We could take bets on who she wants more: Carter or Trenton. She’s eyeing up your man too,” I whispered.
“After the day I’ve had with him, she can have him and his damn kids.
” Tish rolled her eyes. “He promised as soon as he retired, he would help out. He retired three years ago, and I’m still cleaning piss off the toilets.
At least when he was on the road, I had a nanny.
But not anymore ‘cause we ain’t got Dolphin money anymore.
’” She mocked Trenton. “Yet that man just bought a boat. A boat. It isn’t even summer. Carter ever do anything that stupid?”
I was sure that was what Trenton was now showing Carter. “Carter hates the lake. In fact he hates lots of things about Minnesota. The outside being one of them.” I never had to worry about things like boats. Carter did other things, like take jobs in San Francisco and say, “I love you.”
I watched Carter and smiled at Tish, who told me about their twin boys.
Carter never doubted his value or his place in the world.
It was refreshing to be with someone like that.
He had two scars on his body. One above his left hip he got in college during a sailboat race.
The second one was on his right cheek. He got it when he was seven and was hit in the face with a cricket bat.
He had no siblings. No family baggage. He was perfect.
So why was it so hard to let go of the mess Tristan and I were?
“Evan?” A familiar voice tore me from my thoughts.
“Ian?” I hadn’t seen him in almost two years. He looked the same.
“You work at the hospital now?” Ian looked me up and down.
I wore a tight black Saint Laurent dress, heels, and the diamond earrings and necklace Carter had given me last Valentine’s Day.
The dress was one of Carter’s favorites—on and apparently off me.
I had thigh highs on, not because I needed to feel powerful but because Carter liked them.
He had on his Tom Ford suit, which was my favorite of his.
It hugged him in all the right places. I also liked it better on the floor of our bedroom. I liked Carter. Maybe even loved him.
“No. Carter does.” I nodded to Carter, who was talking to some men. He must have felt my eyes on him because he looked over and smiled. An I-know-what-you-look-like-naked smile. I liked that smile.
“Carter Jackson? You’re the Evan he talks about?” Ian seemed surprised.
Of course he talked about me. “Well, I assume so. People in relationships do that.” Ian had quit going to therapy soon after we started dating again, and he fell right back into his old ways.
Ian looked back at Carter and then me. “Right. Anyway, it’s good to see you. How have you been?”
“Good.” Ian and I never spoke after I broke the engagement. Callie and Craig had helped clean up that mess. And I really didn’t want to speak to him now. “How are you?”
“Still with White Oak. It’s been busy; we got a couple large accounts. You know, the same old, same old.”
“Yes. I do. How’s Olivia?” I hoped that Carter would come and rescue me.
“She’s good. She’s dating a marine biologist she met in Costa Rica.” Just then, the woman from the dinner party wandered over. She was very pregnant. “Oh yes, Helen, you remember Evan, right?”
I smiled at the poor woman who he hadn’t mentioned. The one who I assumed was carrying his child. She had a large diamond on her finger.
“Oh yes, that Evan.” Her smile didn’t make it to her eyes.
Thankfully, Carter walked over and put his hand on the small of my back.
“Mr. and Mrs. Erickson, how nice to see you. Helen, you look amazing.” Carter touched Helen’s arm.
“Evan, our table is ready. Will you please excuse us?” He led me away from Ian, who hadn’t changed.
He’d rather tell me about his job than the fact he had a wife and child on the way.
“You know him?” Carter pulled out my chair.
“You want the truth?” I looked over my shoulder as Helen stood next to Ian and smiled. Pretending she had won. “We were engaged.”
Carter choked out a laugh. “You and Ian Erickson? The tattoo guy I get. Ian, I don’t. You are so out of his league.”
I cocked my head. “The tattoo guy?” I never mentioned Tristan to Carter.
“Yeah, what’s his name, Tristan? Did all the artwork for Craig.”
I didn’t know if I should be impressed or concerned. “How did you know?”
“Craig mentioned it. Not on purpose. He slipped, saying he was worried you wouldn’t like The Moth and Flame.” Carter thanked the waiter who filled the glasses.
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to do with that information. I knew nothing about Carter’s past relationship. But I doubt his ex-girlfriend did the graphics for the hospital. “Does that upset you?”
Carter shook his head. “No, I’m here; he’s not.”
And that was where I left it. Dinner was served, and small talk flowed freely.
Normally at these things, I sat and looked pretty.
Carter did all the talking; I played my part.
But this time he included me. He touched my arm and my leg.
He pressed a kiss on the top of my head before he got up to make a speech.
Then when he sat back down, he put his arm around my chair or on the back of my neck.
We might look like a couple who was very much in love.
And that’s what happens when a person moves on.
They write new chapters with new people.
That is what healthy looks like. Healthy also felt a little like a panic attack.
The auction had started, and I excused myself.
I wandered around the hotel, looking for a bathroom away from the rest of the guests.
I found one at the end of a hall. I caught my reflection and told myself this was for the best. To move on.
For some reason I thought of my father. Maybe because it felt like Tristan was dying.
One night I had come from a football game, pissed that Tristan had been high and talking to another girl. He did dumb things when he was high. I slammed the door, forgetting my father now slept in the living room.
“What did that door do to you?” His voice was already fading.
I walked into the dark room. The couch was pushed away from the window, and my father’s hospital bed was now there. “Sorry. It’s not the door. It’s that stupid Tristan.”
“Come here, Blu. It’s time we talk.” He patted the bed.
I lay down next to him. He smelled like a hospital, not like my dad, who used to smell like summer mornings.
“I’m going to tell you something about Tristan.
He needs a special kind of love. One that is forgiving, patient, kind, and understanding.
Now I’m not saying that you should let Tristan treat you badly.
Because you, my little Blu, are special. ”
“I’m not ten, Dad.” I rolled my eyes. He used to tell me I was so special that the stars only gave him me. It had nothing to do with how selfish my mother was.
“You’ll always be my little girl.” He kissed my forehead. “Give Tristan a break, okay? That poor boy fell into manhood overnight. He didn’t have a chance to be a kid. I blame James for that. River was his best friend. But I don’t think James ever recovered from what River did to him. To Laura.”
“What did he do?” I had never heard this story. I knew that James wasn’t Tristan’s father. But no one ever talked about what happened to River.
“He shot himself right in front of James and Laura. Laura was five months pregnant. So I guess Tristan was there too. That’s not an excuse for what James does to that boy. In fact, it makes it worse. But Tristan already had two strikes against him. A dead daddy and sad mama.”
I snuggled closer to my dad, not wanting to think about what life must have been like for Tristan growing up. “Do you think Tristan is broken like his dad?”
“I think he will break. But I also think that’s why you two are together.
You are special, Blu, and the stars knew that.
That’s why they put you two together.” My dad paused, taking a shallow breath.
“I see the way he looks at you and you at him. That boy will always be just a heartbeat away from you. Like a moth to a flame. Even if one wing is tattered, he’ll always be there. ”
I stumbled to the padded bench and sat down hard, willing the tears not to come.
My dad must’ve known he was dying quicker than we thought.
So he crammed all the life advice into that moment.
All the things he would have told me if he had lived to see me and Tristan break.
Or the speech he would have given at our wedding.
That was the last time I ever heard my father’s voice.
He had a stroke that night and never recovered.
He died two weeks later. I told that story to Tristan.
The one about the moth and the flame. And now it was tattooed on his body and was the name of the restaurant.
He had left it there for me to find. A farewell. Like my dad’s.
I pulled my phone out and pushed the number.
“The Evan.” Craig’s voice was loud over the din of the kitchen.
“I need you to tell me the truth. He’s never coming back, is he?”
“What? Hang on. Robert, take the line,” Craig called. The din of the kitchen got quiet. “I don’t think so.”
I nodded, hoping it would keep the tears away.
“It’s probably for the best. Right?” After brunch with Callie, I looked at Tristan’s IG page.
He had moved on. There were photos with new friends, a new car, a beautiful condo with ocean views.
And I was happy for him. Happy that his mother wasn’t controlling him.
That Noah was okay enough for him to leave.
That he had found a place and people that loved him.
That was all I ever wanted for him. And if he was okay, I would be too.
“I’m sorry, Ev.” I could hear the pain in Craig’s voice. He had lost his best friend. “I hate that fucker as much as I love him.”
“He has that effect on people, doesn’t he? Why do we all break ourselves against the shore that is Tristan?” I asked softly. Tristan didn’t know he held that power. He had never seen his worth. And I couldn’t change that, no matter how hard I tried.
“I don’t know. The first time I met that fucker, he was drunk and high.
But people wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be his friend.
He makes you feel like there’s no one else in the room.
I think that’s why people want to be inked by him.
They want a moment of that. That, and because that fucker is pretty.
I’d date him if I was into that.” Craig paused.
“He’s like the flame and we are all moths. ”
I closed my eyes and swallowed down the sob.
“You’re not the only one who thought they could fix him. I’m still trying.” Craig breathed into the phone. “For what it’s worth, he does love you.”
“I used to believe that was enough.” I heard Carter enter the room. I was right where I was supposed to be. With the handsome man who leaned against the wall, concern etched across his face and in his dark eyes.
I closed my eyes and blew out the flame.